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  1. #1
    Senior Member iNtrovert's Avatar
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    Default Do you ever find INFJ's to be a bit cold at first?

    I know I can come across as cold. Most of the time it's intentional. When meeting new people or in new social situations I can be willfully distant . I normally just sit listen to everyone else talk. I really don't want to be bothered. I'm content just watching. I won't speak unless I have something meaningful to say. I really don't enjoy getting to know people unless I have already established through observation that they are worth getting to know. People always tell me how they didn't think I was as nice as I am until they got to know me. No one ever thinks I'm unapproachable or outright mean but just generally reserved. If I have already established that this person is worth getting to know I can be inviting. I guess i'd break it down like this.

    • With strangers I don't wan't to get to know I'm very distant. I'm nice enough not to make them feel uncomfortable but distant enough for them to know not to talk to me.
    • With strangers I haven't made my mind up about I'm quiet and observant. I'm careful not to make them feel uncomfortable but I don't let them get too close.
    • With stranger that I want to get to know I'll probe them to see if we can work our way up to friendship. I still keep them at a distance but I make more of an effort to be inviting.



    Is this normal INFJ behavior ? If so,wouldn't it make INFJ's appear rather cold compared to other NF's. I'm having trouble sorting this out. All of the descriptions I've read about INFJ's gush over how warm and empathetic they are. I know i'm not always that way and intentionally so. I know I have a great depth of emotion and feeling but I'm not comfortable projecting that to strangers. I put up a hard shell and when I start to get too emotional I will withdrawal. It's not that i'm uncomfortable with my emotions or emotion in general. I'm just not comfortable flaunting them in front of strangers like some kind of emotional peacock. For me to reveal that to you I have to know you pretty well. I'm more of an emotional turtle in that respect. Not overly flamboyant, kinda distant, coming out to engage if i'm comfortable but always ready to retreat at a moments notice. That sounds INFJ-ish to me but It's not the warmest first impression.
    Last edited by iNtrovert; 05-25-2013 at 11:20 PM.
    "Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul."_Walt Whitman

  2. #2
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    ...Don't you think you're enneagram has a bit to do with it?

  3. #3
    Senior Member iNtrovert's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    ...Don't you think you're enneagram has a bit to do with it?
    I have yet to entertain the significance of my enneagram in the matter...feel free to give your initial thoughts on it. I'd actually really appreciate it if you did .
    "Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul."_Walt Whitman

  4. #4
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iNtrovert View Post
    I have yet to entertain the significance of my enneagram in the matter...feel free to give your initial thoughts on it. I'd actually really appreciate it if you did .
    *in my sports commentator voice* ...WELL ALRIGHTY THEN!
    I'll tell you my thoughts, seeing that I do consider myself to be an NF of some kind =/

    Anyway, you identify partially with E5 it seems. It's not to say that they can't be friendly, but I tend to get the feeling that they intellectualize a lot of things, including interacting with others (this is just my opinion so if it's wrong... then ...*meep* sorry). If they don't really see a point in talking to a person then why should then even pretend to be interested. They can still be polite, though.

    I doubt that being an INFJ really dictates how you treat people. I see it more as a enneagram/other theory thing.

    ....um, I don't know all that much about enneagram 5 to be honest, but from the little I've seen that is what I've come to understand.

    edit:: Why do you think that being cold is something an INFJ wouldn't do? What is your "definition" of an Ni-dom who may also use Fe?

  5. #5
    Senior Member iNtrovert's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    *in my sports commentator voice* ...WELL ALRIGHTY THEN!

    If they don't really see a point in talking to a person then why should then even pretend to be interested. They can still be polite, though.
    I know for a fact I am guilty of that. I don't know much about enneagram either. I've done some surface level reading about it. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate 4w5 vs 5w4. Correct me if i'm wrong but I do believe that INFJ's have a tendency to be 4w5 over the latter. Hummm whelp this is an exciting development ....never really paid much attention to ennagram but i'm beginning to see the use for it.

    p.s I couldn't help but to read this in the standard announcer voice so thanks for that
    "Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul."_Walt Whitman

  6. #6
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iNtrovert View Post
    I know for a fact I am guilty of that. I don't know much about enneagram either. I've done some surface level reading about it. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate 4w5 vs 5w4. Correct me if i'm wrong but I do believe that INFJ's have a tendency to be 4w5 over the latter. Hummm whelp this is an exciting development ....never really paid much attention to ennagram but i'm beginning to see the use for it.

    p.s I couldn't help but to read this in the standard announcer voice so thanks for that
    Actually, I am trying to spend a bit more time with enneagram because thee ideas are a bit more concrete. It can be (not all of the time) really obvious to tell the difference between people of different enneagram types in comparison MBTI. The only thing I am 100% certain on is the difference between T and F (...or at least I hope I am 100% certain about that ...never mind -_-").

    ....Thanks. I tend to do silly things when I talk (even in real life). ...I think it's because I have an empty void in my heart that I fill up with immaturity...

  7. #7
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I come off as cold a fair amount of the time unless I'm very comfortable or consciously working it. I've learned that being chattery and spacey is much more advantageous in most situations than being reserved and aloof so I usually flip between the two depending on my mood and the situation.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #8
    Senior Member iNtrovert's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    ]

    ....Thanks. I tend to do silly things when I talk (even in real life). ...I think it's because I have an empty void in my heart that I fill up with immaturity...
    I don't know if I should laugh or give you a hug.Your sense of humor is kind of twisted and dark....I like it. If you don't mind me asking what ennagram do you identify with. I know you said your new to it so if your not sure what do you suppose you are?
    "Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul."_Walt Whitman

  9. #9
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iNtrovert View Post
    I don't know if I should laugh or give you a hug.Your sense of humor is kind of twisted and dark....I like it. If you don't mind me asking what ennagram do you identify with. I know you said your new to it so if your not sure what do you suppose you are?
    uumm... you don't... have to do... anything. Sometimes being twisted helps me out. For example, I am about to ride on a plane in a few days and enjoy a different city for two months. Instead of being happy about it, I'll just imagine that there's a possibility that I could die on the way there or that I'll feel uncomfortable (cough*hate everyone*cough) with the new people I meet. I find that it helps me manage happy emotions and prevents me from being disappointed.

    Um, I don't really know what enneagram I am ...If you can see my blog, then that might give you a better idea of who I am.

  10. #10
    Senior Member iNtrovert's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I come off as cold a fair amount of the time unless I'm very comfortable or consciously working it. I've learned that being chattery and spacey is much more advantageous in most situations than being reserved and aloof so I usually flip between the two depending on my mood and the situation.
    Good to know. I've just always thought of Fe as this warm fuzzy external aura. Perhaps Ni accounts for the lack of warmth? Idk I just always expected Fe aux to be more outwardly inviting you know? Being introverted in general would probably dilute the warmth a bit. Then having Ni as a dom function giving you the tendency to want to observe and Ti needing to withdraw to function...... Infj's probably aren't all that openly warm at all. I must have just been disillusioned bout the whole Fe aux thing making INFJ's warm an fuzzy. I think they are probably the least warm of all the NF's... Thought's?
    "Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul."_Walt Whitman

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