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  1. #21
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I come off as cold a fair amount of the time unless I'm very comfortable or consciously working it. I've learned that being chattery and spacey is much more advantageous in most situations than being reserved and aloof so I usually flip between the two depending on my mood and the situation.
    This is similar to myself. Although i'm loath to give MBTI type too much credit.

    Certainly I can appear cold and aloof in unfamiliar company, or even situations, but ive worked hard on creating a mentality to make the effort to reach out and engage others when I can.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  2. #22

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    Nawh, I dont, there's a difference between being introverted and being cold, its possible to be cold and be a really outgoing person.

  3. #23
    Senior Member iNtrovert's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lark View Post
    Nawh, I dont, there's a difference between being introverted and being cold, its possible to be cold and be a really outgoing person.
    Interesting, What would the difference be between being introverted and coming across as cold is in your opinion?
    "Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul."_Walt Whitman

  4. #24
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I read the original post and skipped the rest, so this is just to say that how you described yourself is exactly the same way I am, and I have had many people say they were surprised at all the warm gooey goodness inside once they got past what they saw as a fairly crusty exterior. One person said I should let more people get to know me, because I would enjoy more love, because I'm lovable once I'm comfortable. The thing she didn't realize is my values just don't point me in that direction. Life is not a popularity contest and I don't value the approval of everybody around me. I only value the approval of the people I admire -- or sometimes the people I just can't help being drawn to, even if I don't admire them. But either way, whether somebody likes me or not doesn't make much difference in my world unless I feel a kinship with them and have an instinct to want to share with them, which is not everybody. So it could be an INFJ thing, and it could be an INFJ 4w5 thing, I don't know. But yes, I have the exact same experience.

    If I may give you some advice on how to handle it when people want to start involving you in activities -- thank them for the invitation and just say the truth -- something like, "I really appreciate the invitation, but the truth is, I'm a bit of a recluse, actually. So rather than say yes and then back out, I'm going to say no thank you and hope you understand." And the next time you run into that person you could even ask them how it went, just to show you have a casual friendly passing interest but no wish to be involved directly.

    The only problem with that is it creates this air of mystery and makes you seem hard to get, which for some people just increases their wish to get you on their guest list ... but there are worse problems to have. :-D

  5. #25
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Yeah, I don't like that thing when people think just because I'm nice to them or whatever, it means I like them and/or want to be friends. A lot of what I do I don't do because of how I feel about other people individually, but is rather a reflection of my values, my obligation to my species, and how I would feel if I were in their shoes, what I would want someone to do for me. IOW, it's just the right thing to do regardless of how I feel about someone. I do it because of who I want to be, not who they are. I believe in civility and cooperation and I try to act accordingly when I feel I can.

    And it's not like I dislike them or anything, I'm just not really in a place in my life right now where I'm trying to expand my social life. I don't want the obligation that goes along with that. It'll probably be different later on and I'm not absolutely closed to the idea, but it's not a priority. The time I spend alone is almost always enjoyable while the time I spend with other people is hit and miss.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  6. #26
    Member RoadPaveMent's Avatar
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    Hm, I'm not sure if I come off as cold, painfully shy, disconnected, forgettable, polite, or?? I just try to contribute interesting tidbits to conversations when I can!
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  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by iNtrovert View Post
    No, I was referring to first impressions in general. The initial vibe they give off to strangers.
    hmm.. subjectively i might not be qualified to answer: both of the INFJs i've being close too (close friend and exwife) have expressed being surprised that i did not find them cold on initial impressions, finding it a common feedback they get from others, while i didn't see it.
    essentially i think that much like an infant sometimes won't be able to tell the difference between feeling sick and feeling hungry, i can't quite tell the difference between feeling warmth from someone and feeling excited about someone, in either cases all i consciously experience is the "warmth of potential" in another person making me exuberant.

    i also experience understanding someone analytically or through observation as a much deeper level of "getting to know someone" as them expressing themselves openly or what they say about themselves, which adds to why i might not experience the socalled "coldness" in INFJs that others talk about. see, i think the distinction lays in comfort: people experience warmth when they feel comfortable and comforted.

    in terms of comfort, maybe its because if you are very reserved, you will give precedent around you for others to be reserved. it's sort of like.. hrm... nudity - people tend to be more comfortable being nude in a nude beach then they are in a doctor's office, right? so the same might be true to emotional and intellectual clothing, if you cover up what you feel and what you think, others aren't going to feel comfortable uncovering themselves, so that discomfort is experienced as "coldness", a.k.a. distance, separation, divide, while both being expressive and genuine about where you stand while finding common grounds can be experienced as "warmth" - oneness, unity in common grounds. in terms of being comforting, exposing common grounds enable self-reinforcing loops reassurance "my flaws are ok because others have flaws too", "my beliefs are true because other people share them", etc.

  8. #28
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    I can seem distant, and have specifically been called that. I've also been called an enigma. There is a way that I can feel exceedingly awkward socially, and it can even happen with people I've at times been comfortable with, and this happens if I'm feeling underlying pressure to respond in some way and I'm just too tired or distracted to comply. Then there is something of an attempt to comply, but it feels really awkward. The best comparison I can give is the awkwardness one feels when having a picture taken. People have come to strange and contradictory conclusions about me because I can be rather quiet, but I don't think "cold" is a primary descriptor. This is partly because I have an expressive face - or so I've been told. I use a lot of non-verbal communication.

    Even though I get lost in thought and can have rather strong Ni, I would say that empathy tends to be my defining characteristic as an INFJ. When younger I used to be extremely private and still have that impulse, but after years of expressing myself artistically I have come to admire those who can completely let go of their inner filters and have a transparency (much like Bjork actually). I have become much more this way now as a way to let go to a more free Fe. It helps in connecting to others, so the reinforcement is positive for me most of the time.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  9. #29
    Senior Member Chiharu's Avatar
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    Oh sweet Jesus yes. My best friend (INFJ) seem so cold and distant and fueled by pure, unadulterated, silent hatred that I thought she lived off the souls of unborn pandas when we first met. She was sweet as pie the next day.
    Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness." ― Kurt Vonnegut

    ENFP. 7w6 – 4w3 – 1w9 sx/so. Aries. Dilettante. Overly anxious optimist.

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chiharu View Post
    I thought she lived off the souls of unborn pandas when we first met.
    oh you were right the first time:
    nothing wrong with that, its just really how you cook for them: unborn panda souls and baked goods.

    "a spoonful of panda makes the Ni go down, the Ni go down..."

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