User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 36

  1. #1
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    MBTI
    ESTJ
    Enneagram
    3w2 so
    Posts
    1,671

    Default Ending Friendships With ESFJs

    How do you tell an ESFJ that the friendship is over without them going crazy on you? I'm posting this in the general forum because I want to open it up to responses from all types (including ESFJs whose insight is especially welcome).

    You guys, I am really confused. So, this story has happened to me on two separate occasions now. Through mutual friends, I met an ESFJ. We hung out a lot and did stuff together, and I always thought the relationship was fine. They would always try to invade my space too much (prying too much into my life, expecting me to be way more sensitive to social consensus than I am, the usual complaints people have about ESFJs, you know), and I would kind of beat them back and ignore them when they would sulk about it. From my perspective, we were friends but not super-close-best-friends-forever type of stuff.

    So anyway, eventually they would invite me to something way too intimate for my level of friendship with them (i.e. let's take a trip to the mountains!), and I would politely decline. Then, they went crazy on me. Acting like I had just committed a felony or something, trying to rope lots of people in to be aghast at my "unacceptable" behavior, and when they realized our mutual friends didn't think I did anything wrong, they'd sulk even more. In each case, we were separated by some event (i.e. graduating from college, moving, etc), and when I didn't show enough interest in maintaining the friendship, they would demand an explanation for why. And I would tell them that we were incompatible as friends, but they would want very literal examples of incompatibility and then, would try to refute those examples.

    I'm sorry, but I find this to be bizarre. When people don't want to be friends with me, it sometimes makes me sad for a while, but I would never demand to be friends with them. The vast majority of friends I have, we go through time periods when we're close and some when we're distant...and sometimes they end. It's usually not a big issue. So, what's the deal here? How do you convey to an ESFJ that they didn't do anything "wrong" and you didn't do anything "wrong" but that you're not BFFLs and they should learn how to conduct friendships of different levels of intimacy?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Survive & Stay Free's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    ESTJ
    Enneagram
    9 so/sx
    Posts
    21,675

    Default

    This is a bit odd, it sounds more like unrequited love than mere friendship, I'm not sure that its type related but then again it does sound familiar to some of my more extrovert fail episodes.

    Time usually sorts these things out, doesnt it?

  3. #3
    Glycerine
    Guest

    Default

    Chances are they have issues way beyond the scope of just being Fe dom. Sounds more like they have abandonment issues or some shit which exaggerates the Fe. The behavior isn't "normal" regardless of type. If need be, just tell the person straight out and then detach. Js tend to like closure. "You are expecting more out of this friendship than I am willing to give. It's best if we part ways."

    How old is the person?

  4. #4
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    MBTI
    INfj
    Enneagram
    451 sx/so
    Socionics
    ENFj Ni
    Posts
    5,651

    Default

    One person's nsa sex is another's relationship foundation.

    Keep it in your pants and you won't have these issues so much perhaps?
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
    4w5 5w4 1w9
    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
    Life Path 11

    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

    songofmary.wordpress.com


  5. #5
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    5,810

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AphroditeGoneAwry View Post
    One person's nsa sex is another's relationship foundation.

    Keep it in your pants and you won't have these issues so much perhaps?
    You're just one big walking projection machine, aren't you? Lets hope someone doesn't forget to heed the warning of "Ignore the man behind the curtain!" and switch you off.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  6. #6
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    MBTI
    INfj
    Enneagram
    451 sx/so
    Socionics
    ENFj Ni
    Posts
    5,651

    Default

    I'm not afraid of being exposed though. I want the curtain removed. I want to be seen.


    Just sayin. It sounds familiar, I've heard you do it before: Gets disgruntled because someone infers more 'friendship' than him/her, and becomes indignant at that person. Leaving out a major (the major?) part of the story which is that you basically were no-holds barred at the beginning...



    Take it. And own it. You can be friends with the esfj or anyone else. You just need to communicate more effectively.
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
    4w5 5w4 1w9
    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
    Life Path 11

    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

    songofmary.wordpress.com


  7. #7
    WALMART
    Guest

    Default

    I cannot help but find everything lovely this morning.


    Even your lovely, strange connotations, aphrodite.


    Edit: this thread kinda sucks, though.

  8. #8
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    MBTI
    INfj
    Enneagram
    451 sx/so
    Socionics
    ENFj Ni
    Posts
    5,651

    Default

    ^ and I think you are very lovely, Jon.
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
    4w5 5w4 1w9
    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
    Life Path 11

    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

    songofmary.wordpress.com


  9. #9
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    468 sx/sp
    Socionics
    EII None
    Posts
    4,383

    Default

    I read all this and only afterwards went back to check your type. ENFP! This totally resonates to me, that you would have this experience. I have only known a couple, and I shut it down almost immediately. It's like ENFP walks right into your heart and you don't even realize you left the door open. You turn around and there's this person in your living room and they look just like they belong there and you're so delighted and you think you're special and something really magical is happening ... and then you realize they are like that with everybody and it's nothing to them. I've been lucky so far to realize what was going on before I got hurt, but -- and this is even with women friends -- the potential is really there for me to get hooked, get hurt, and be furious to realize it wasn't what I thought it was. No advice for you there, just ... maybe this is just part of your journey as an ENFP?

  10. #10
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    MBTI
    ESTJ
    Enneagram
    3w2 so
    Posts
    1,671

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Glycerine View Post
    Chances are they have issues way beyond the scope of just being Fe dom. Sounds more like they have abandonment issues or some shit which exaggerates the Fe. The behavior isn't "normal" regardless of type. If need be, just tell the person straight out and then detach. Js tend to like closure. "You are expecting more out of this friendship than I am willing to give. It's best if we part ways."

    How old is the person?
    Thanks Glycerine. I think both of these people may have had other issues, indeed. They are 23.

Similar Threads

  1. [ESFJ] How to deal with esfj employee?
    By Anew Leaf in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 08-27-2012, 04:54 AM
  2. [INFJ] How to end a friendship with an INFJ
    By Udog in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 37
    Last Post: 04-07-2009, 12:06 PM
  3. [ESFJ] Problems with ESFJ mother
    By Leysing in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 09-20-2008, 11:40 PM
  4. [MBTItm] ESFJ's help an INTJ out, please. (INTJ female needs help with ESFJ male)
    By Harlow_Jem in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 07-25-2008, 07:41 AM
  5. [NT] Friendships with NTs
    By proteanmix in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 71
    Last Post: 07-13-2007, 03:45 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO