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  1. #11
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    I read all this and only afterwards went back to check your type. ENFP! This totally resonates to me, that you would have this experience. I have only known a couple, and I shut it down almost immediately. It's like ENFP walks right into your heart and you don't even realize you left the door open. You turn around and there's this person in your living room and they look just like they belong there and you're so delighted and you think you're special and something really magical is happening ... and then you realize they are like that with everybody and it's nothing to them. I've been lucky so far to realize what was going on before I got hurt, but -- and this is even with women friends -- the potential is really there for me to get hooked, get hurt, and be furious to realize it wasn't what I thought it was. No advice for you there, just ... maybe this is just part of your journey as an ENFP?
    Thanks Tilty, it probably is. I want to apologize on behalf of anyone who has misled you into thinking you were more intimate friends than you really were. It's helpful to hear the opposite side of the story from you because I imagine that is an unpleasant experience. It certainly was NOT my intention with either of these girls to make them think that we were close friends and then disappoint them or cause them any unhappiness of any kind. I mean, I feel really frustrated that I can't be true to myself and give them the clean ending that they want. I always thought it was pretty evident that the quality of the relationship was very poor (which they didn't pick up on, apparently), and I have historically been exceedingly loyal to people who I have been comfortable with. The "magical" experience I orchestrate for people I care about (hahaha, I know exactly what you're talking about) does mean something to me, even if I provide that environment to more than one friend at a time. I don't just fill people up with care and acceptance one day and then turn on my heel the next.

  2. #12
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jontherobot View Post

    Edit: this thread kinda sucks, though.
    Sorry to disappoint Elaborating on why you don't like it would be helpful if you want me to disappoint you less in the future.

  3. #13
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AphroditeGoneAwry View Post
    One person's nsa sex is another's relationship foundation.

    Keep it in your pants and you won't have these issues so much perhaps?
    Um, intuition fail. Perhaps just leave the "reading between the lines" to the NPs? I am a heterosexual 23 year old woman, and both of these women are heterosexual 23 year olds as well. They both have boyfriends, and I myself am madly in love with mine.


    Quote Originally Posted by AphroditeGoneAwry View Post
    You just need to communicate more effectively.
    Well, duh! The point of the thread was to ask for ideas about what I can say to these women to help the situation.

  4. #14
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lark View Post
    This is a bit odd, it sounds more like unrequited love than mere friendship, I'm not sure that its type related but then again it does sound familiar to some of my more extrovert fail episodes.

    Time usually sorts these things out, doesnt it?
    Thank you, Lark! It's not love, I promise you. I'm starting to think these girls were just weird.

  5. #15
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    WTF?

  6. #16
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Say



    I'm kidding. Just keep being you. It takes time for some people to get used to each other.
    Either that or it's best to go their separate ways because there's nothing you can do.

  7. #17
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Say



    I'm kidding. Just keep being you. It takes time for some people to get used to each other.
    Either that or it's best to go their separate ways because there's nothing you can do.
    lol! thx giggly

    Quote Originally Posted by Il Morto Che Parla View Post
    WTF?
    Insightful. Thx.

  8. #18
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    To be honest, I've never been in any situation like this, and I have a hard time picturing the handful of close ESFJ friends I have acting like that. One time I did decline a weekend roadtrip with my 3 closest friends from school, ESFJ, ENFJ, and ESFP, and while the ExFJs both bugged me before and after it, they never tried to gang anyone up against me, nor was their teasing anything beyond letting me know they missed me and were disappointed that I wasn't there.

    The best I can understand it is perhaps because ENFPs tend to unintentionally make others feel like we are more "attached" to them than we really are, and FJs tend to expect certain exchanges based on type of relationship, an FJ who believes it is a closer friendship than the ENFP believes may feel hurt, let down, or taken advantage of if the ENFP acts in a way that seems to betray the level of relationship the FJ believed we shared.

    That said, I feel like this may have more to do with instinctual variant or just personal quirks than MBTI type. I could understand this better if both happened to be Sx doms, and you were one of their "people". Myself, I'm usually the one complaining when I don't hear from a friend for a long time, or if once-close friendships go by the wayside.

    In any case, I think that slowly and quietly cutting off contact is the best way to let go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Honor View Post
    The "magical" experience I orchestrate for people I care about (hahaha, I know exactly what you're talking about) does mean something to me, even if I provide that environment to more than one friend at a time. I don't just fill people up with care and acceptance one day and then turn on my heel the next.
    It's true. I care deeply about every person I bestow warmth and openness upon, too. It took me a long time to understand that some people took it for more than it was, though. It doesn't mean we don't care if we do the same for others. In fact, those I come to care about the most are often those who have either pushed for more attention or pushed me away - the ones who have a unique response, one that makes me feel like the situation is different than the usual - that they are taking special interest in me.

  9. #19
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    The best I can understand it is in this sense: ENFPs tend to unintentionally make others feel like we are more "attached" to them than we really are. ExFJs tend to expect certain exchanges based on the relationship "role", so an ExFJ who believes it is a closer friendship than the ENFP feels will unsurprisingly feel let down when the ENFP acts in a way that is not in line with the level of relationship the ExFJ believed we shared.

    To be honest, I've never been in any situation like this, and I have a hard time picturing the handful of close ESFJ friends I have acting like that. One time I did decline a weekend roadtrip with my 3 closest friends from school, ESFJ, ENFJ, and ESFP, and while the ExFJs bugged me before and after it, they never tried to gang anyone up against me, nor was their teasing anything beyond letting me know they missed me and were disappointed that I wasn't there.

    I feel like this may have more to do with instinctual variant or just personal quirks than MBTI type. I could understand this better if both happened to be Sx doms, and you were one of their "people". Myself, I'm usually the one complaining when a friend drops off the face of the earth.



    It's true. I care deeply about every person I bestow warmth and openness upon, too. It took me a long time to understand that some people took it for more than it was, though. It doesn't mean we don't care if we do the same for others. In fact, those I come to care about the most are often those who have either pushed for more attention or pushed me away - the ones who have a unique response, one that makes me feel like the situation is different than the usual - that they are taking special interest in me.
    Thanks! They are definitely both SX primaries, and I'm definitely an SO primary. Yeah, I can definitely see how instinctual variant could explain a lot of this. Maybe they did consider me one of their inner circle. I don't really have an inner circle; I treat every person I meet on the street like they're my best friend.

  10. #20
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Honor View Post
    Thanks! They are definitely both SX primaries, and I'm definitely an SO primary.
    Ahhhh. That's probably your answer, then. We bond really tightly with people, more tightly than they often do, and almost always more quickly. It's hard for me to describe the feeling of having one of your "people" you've bonded with not want to be with you as much as you want to be with them, but it's very painful. That's why they freaked out - the whole trip or whatever endeavor is essentially worthless without one of their "people" along to enjoy it with. That explains the prying into your life, then, too. We like to go in depth and learn everything, every facet of you. Sorry that this sounds a little stalkerish, lmao. Anyway, even after separating events, letting go is painful.

    A lot of my friends from high school seem So dominant and they've kind of just drifted away, but I don't really understand it, because I still feel a strong attachment to them, even if we haven't interacted in a long time. I do understand distance and time moving us apart, of course, and I don't think there's any necessity to pretend like we're close. But I guess in my head, I feel like there's something very special about being close, and it's something that's permanent - once you've heard the intimate details of someone's life for a certain period of time, it's strange to think that you're no longer welcome. I do think what Sx-doms cling to is the possibility of being close again, so breaking that friendship tie completely is very painful for us.

    I don't think you have to be beholden to them, but if they complain, I think it could be useful to try explaining that while you still enjoy time with them, you're very busy, and would really love to maintain a lower-key friendship with them.

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