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  1. #1
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Default Control and power

    I'm just curious about how different people/types feel about issues of power and control and how they play out in your lives.

    Are you particularly resistant to the idea of being controlled by others? Do you know why you feel this way? How do you think this plays out with your type (or other types, that you've observed) generally?

    What kind of role do you think power and control play in your interpersonal relationships - family, friendships, romantic, work?

    Do you think you're a controlling person? Why or why not?

    Any or all thoughts on the subject welcome
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  2. #2
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    In all aspects of my life, it's very important for me to know that the right person has power, in the areas that suit them. If I think I am the one who most deserves power in a given situation, then I want that power, and it will frustrate me if someone less deserving has it. Conversely, if I have power over a situation that I don't think I'm best qualified to handle, I'm either going to want to give that power to the most deserving person, or I'm going to constantly be asking the most deserving people for advice, so that I can become more deserving of my power.

    In other words: I'm not into having power for the sake of having power, being in control for the sake of being in control, or avoiding being controlled out of the principle of the thing. When I resist being controlled, it's because I think being controlled is unfair and/or unjustified in the given situation. When I'm "controlling", it's because I've carefully surveyed the situation and deduced that I'm the best fit for the job.
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    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
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  3. #3
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    It's weird. Like, I generally don't like people to tell me what to do or how to do it, I like to make my own choices. But I don't like to be in control of an entire situation with multiple people. That is typically more work and responsibility than I am interested in.

    In terms of relationships... it is sad but true, in our world, money is power, and I do not want to give a man in a relationship that kind of power over me. This is why having my own money and income is tremendously important to me. I have seen too many women relinquish their control in this way, some manage fine in that kind of situation, but some do not, and I do not want that to be me.

  4. #4
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    I'm not consciously aware of being interested in controlling or having power over others, though I wonder if it might be there and manifesting itself in some way I'm not aware of.

    I think I'm quite willing to give someone a certain degree of power/control over me if I feel it is rightfully theirs and they wouldn't abuse it. I know for a fact that if benevolently exercised it can even make me feel safe. However, people who seem to need power and control to sooth their own insecurities, especially in relationships, frankly make me screamingly mad and blazingly contemptuous.

    At this point I don't think there are many things I dislike more than the abuse of power. It's definitely the source of a lot of different kinds of evil.

    I might have more thoughts on this later - if anyone else wants to weigh in please do
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  5. #5
    Senior Member Pseudo's Avatar
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    I don't like to be controlled but I also don't really like being in control. For instance in group projects I prefer when duties are doled out and we all can individually towards as shared goal. I don't want to hovered over and I don't want to have to hover. I like feeling like I can do my own thing and trust others to complete their tasks. I will take controll if things appear to be functioning poorly. But generally it means I'll totally takeover and do all the work myself.

    In relationship I don't really likE being in control of the social schedule. I much prefer to let someone else do all the planning. But that's as far as it goes. I have a very hard time accepting the idea that their is a dominant and submissive partner whereas I know others who feel that that is unavoidible and natural. I think partners should two individuals in agreement.

    I think I have this attitude because I'm very introverted. It doesn't bother me much what goes on outside as long as it doesn't intrude on my inner world ( on a micro scale not in regards to world events but just my day To day surroundings). I prefer someone else dEal with the burden of leadership so I have free reign to run. I like to be useful but on my own terms.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Pseudo's Avatar
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    I also hate emotional control the most. I have a friend whose husband is very sensitive and get offended easily. At first it was " poor Peter he has so many feelings" now reccently I'm having hard time not getting angry with him. To my mind her shouldn't be allowed to have his feelings hurt by things that are true. He'll say some very idealistic arty things and then when I or our ESTP friend tease him a bit he has a tantrum and say everyone hates him and thing hes stupid. And then he just broods and makes it so no one can have fun. He is controlling the situation by being upset by what is true and makes look like bad guys. Hurt feelings trumping facts and it makes me very angry.

    For instance he said something about people not showering regularly up until fourty
    Y years ago. Me and the ESTP make some jokes about the medieval seventies not to be mean but because it was funny. He got all upset and bitched to his wife that everyone just looks for him to slip up and doesn't listen. If I were to say " look you were wrong quit crying" I look like an asshole. So we all has to appease him so he'll quit sulking. It's an emotional dictatorship by constantly playing the victim. And because my best friend is his wife and the ESTP his brother in law I feel like i can't expect much support. Can't say anything. No control. I think more than control I like feelin like I have a certain unchanged status within a group or with my partner. As long as I still have sway and freedom I don't mind what the other party does so much. But when I can't freely give input then I feel "controlled".

    Not being able to point out flaws in the system hurts me. I wan to quit my job. Ecause all the corporate rules designed to make thing " look" good and keep down costs actually prevent me from doing my job. That's when the rebel comes out. I feel like so kind of bounty hunter. I'll get what you want but you dont get to tell me how to do it. Give me rye objective then get out of my way.

  7. #7
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pseudo View Post
    I also hate emotional control the most. I have a friend whose husband is very sensitive and get offended easily. At first it was " poor Peter he has so many feelings" now reccently I'm having hard time not getting angry with him. To my mind her shouldn't be allowed to have his feelings hurt by things that are true. He'll say some very idealistic arty things and then when I or our ESTP friend tease him a bit he has a tantrum and say everyone hates him and thing hes stupid. And then he just broods and makes it so no one can have fun. He is controlling the situation by being upset by what is true and makes look like bad guys. Hurt feelings trumping facts and it makes me very angry.
    I hear you on this. Constant guilt-tripping, and raising your own feelings above those of everyone else, is a form of controlling which is particularly hard to fight against and particularly insidious. It's almost like you just have to ignore it... It's hard though depending on the nature of your relationship with the other person.
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  8. #8
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I'm just curious about how different people/types feel about issues of power and control and how they play out in your lives.

    Are you particularly resistant to the idea of being controlled by others? Do you know why you feel this way? How do you think this plays out with your type (or other types, that you've observed) generally?

    What kind of role do you think power and control play in your interpersonal relationships - family, friendships, romantic, work?

    Do you think you're a controlling person? Why or why not?

    Any or all thoughts on the subject welcome

    I'm particularly resistant to the idea of being controlled by others, yes, but I have become a little more comfortable with allotting control to others in certain situations and with certain people. I've always been this way and I'm sure type plays a role (INTJ, and very likely an enneagram 8). In personal relationships I have found it's mostly a welcome trait (because shit gets done and done efficiently). I'm not a controlling, domineering person but if a person starts impacting my environment, we'll have a problem.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  9. #9
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    I am pretty good at delegating, but it's not something I enjoy doing. Generally prefer if things go to plan without me needing to control the situation, and I always seek methods or create systems where my workers do not require me to be delegating by giving them whatever they need to do so themselves. With good people it works well enough, but sometimes I still have to intervene.

    I myself am pretty impossible to be controlled. If someone wants me to do something and I am of opinion I don't need to do it (I'd need a good reason though), I won't do it. I may suggest alternative options that I believe are better and I'm not the kind of person to throw my head against something without good reason. If what is asked of me is something that I'd ask from myself I have no issues with such commands. Although i do prefer those things to be 'asked' instead of 'ordered'.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  10. #10
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    Control and power are the ultimate virtues, the means by which creation can be transformed into alternate shapes, shifted into being by the strength of our will.

    Those walk the way of moderation and are too weak to follow this almighty path will fail, dragged down by their own weakness.

    There can be no compromise as the strong are meant to rule and the weak are meant to serve.

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