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  1. #1
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Default When any type other than INFJ doorslams you/cuts you out of their life

    So...do types other than INFJ EVER cut off contact with other people? Or does everyone else of every other type maintain every relationship in their life forever and ever, even if one or both parties just wants out?

    What would make a non-INFJ doorslam and how?

    Seriously, I know the extreme improbability of ANY other type doing this, as INFJs apparently have a monopoly on it.
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  2. #2
    Member WheresRocket's Avatar
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    If I'm correctly understanding what's meant by "doorslamming" here, I've done it.

    Generally it's a strategy I reserve for people I am not close with. If a person brings much more negative energy into my life than positive energy, and I don't see anything to be gained from maintaining the relationship, sometimes the thing has run its course and I will move to distance myself, usually by not returning casual contact and putting them on a more secure Facebook friends setting. If someone I had done this with were to contact me and ask me straight-up what was going on, I would probably answer honestly, but usually I just sort of... facilitate our drifting apart, I guess. Sometimes pretty quickly. I just stop being interested in investing energy into a relationship that's sucking me dry.

    There have been a few people in my life who have just been crass and offensive repeatedly, and I have firmly cut them off and not felt bad about it. I don't think either of us missed the other, in these situations. I knew they didn't care about me, and I decided to stop caring about them.

    I don't think, though, I have ever cut off anyone who has at some point meant a lot to me, or anyone who would be deeply hurt by my absence. Usually it's just that the relationship is not healthy or helpful to begin with, and I'm the one who rips off the band-aid.

    Is that "doorslamming," or am I misunderstanding?
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  3. #3
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WheresRocket View Post
    If I'm correctly understanding what's meant by "doorslamming" here, I've done it.

    Generally it's a strategy I reserve for people I am not close with. If a person brings much more negative energy into my life than positive energy, and I don't see anything to be gained from maintaining the relationship, sometimes the thing has run its course and I will move to distance myself, usually by not returning casual contact and putting them on a more secure Facebook friends setting. If someone I had done this with were to contact me and ask me straight-up what was going on, I would probably answer honestly, but usually I just sort of... facilitate our drifting apart, I guess. Sometimes pretty quickly. I just stop being interested in investing energy into a relationship that's sucking me dry.

    There have been a few people in my life who have just been crass and offensive repeatedly, and I have firmly cut them off and not felt bad about it. I don't think either of us missed the other, in these situations. I knew they didn't care about me, and I decided to stop caring about them.

    I don't think, though, I have ever cut off anyone who has at some point meant a lot to me, or anyone who would be deeply hurt by my absence. Usually it's just that the relationship is not healthy or helpful to begin with, and I'm the one who rips off the band-aid.

    Is that "doorslamming," or am I misunderstanding?
    That's more or less it. Pardon the sarcastic tone of the OP - I am actually interested in serious responses to this thread. It's due to the infamous INFJ doorslam thread. A lot of people seem to think that only INFJs ever do it, or that we do it 100% more than other types.

    Would you open the door again at some point if you'd closed it, if the person was sorry, or had changed a lot, or whatever?
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  4. #4
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WheresRocket View Post
    If I'm correctly understanding what's meant by "doorslamming" here, I've done it.

    Generally it's a strategy I reserve for people I am not close with. If a person brings much more negative energy into my life than positive energy, and I don't see anything to be gained from maintaining the relationship, sometimes the thing has run its course and I will move to distance myself, usually by not returning casual contact and putting them on a more secure Facebook friends setting. If someone I had done this with were to contact me and ask me straight-up what was going on, I would probably answer honestly, but usually I just sort of... facilitate our drifting apart, I guess. Sometimes pretty quickly. I just stop being interested in investing energy into a relationship that's sucking me dry.

    There have been a few people in my life who have just been crass and offensive repeatedly, and I have firmly cut them off and not felt bad about it. I don't think either of us missed the other, in these situations. I knew they didn't care about me, and I decided to stop caring about them.

    I don't think, though, I have ever cut off anyone who has at some point meant a lot to me, or anyone who would be deeply hurt by my absence. Usually it's just that the relationship is not healthy or helpful to begin with, and I'm the one who rips off the band-aid.

    Is that "doorslamming," or am I misunderstanding?
    That's more or less it. Pardon the sarcastic tone of the OP - I am actually interested in serious responses to this thread. It's due to the infamous INFJ doorslam thread. A lot of people seem to think that only INFJs ever do it, or that we do it 100% more than other types.

    Would you open the door again at some point if you'd closed it, if the person was sorry, or had changed a lot, or whatever?
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  5. #5
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    I don't think I've ever done it. I've drifted away from people all the time, but never had some dramatic event which turned a close friend into an enemy. It's more my style to just stop talking to someone if they're bothering me. Chances might be very low that we'd talk again, but I can't see myself making an announcement about it.

    However, I have heavily considered it for one family member (but haven't cut contact so far). But even there, I don't know if I would ever say "never" (). I would probably just not contact him, or at most say that I'm not comfortable with being in contact "for now/for the foreseeable future".

    I guess what would make me, or presumably other people, doorslam someone is if they have a very negative impact on my life which is not likely to ever change, and if simply drifting away isn't feasible for whatever reason (they can't take a hint, mutual friends involved, etc).

    I would definitely reconsider if new information comes up. I don't really believe in imposing rules for myself, especially to decide future actions. Because I'm not able to see the future, I'd rather decide in the future based on the information I had then.
    -end of thread-

  6. #6
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    If type is a valid construct at all then it stands to reason that similar types will have certain tendencies as to how they manage stresses; for INFJs it seems doorslamming is what people notice. Or more importantly, how they read the behavior. Ni doms are notoriously sort of obscure so you can't be all surprised when people read you incorrectly.

    Personally, I don't really have enough experience with INFJs to really know if this is something common or if it's a valid description at all. At the very least, you can just do what the ENFPs do and turn something negative into self-glorification.



  7. #7
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    If type is a valid construct at all then it stands to reason that certain types will have similar tendencies as to how they manage stresses; for INFJs it seems doorslamming is what people notice. Or more importantly, how they read the behavior. Ni doms are notoriously sort of obscure so you can't be all surprised when people read you incorrectly.

    Personally, I don't really have enough experience with INFJs to really know if this is something common or if it's a valid description at all. At the very least, you can just do what the ENFPs do and turn something negative into self-glorification.
    I'll let someone else comment on the logical fallacies portrayed here
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  8. #8
    Member WheresRocket's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post
    I've drifted away from people all the time, but never had some dramatic event which turned a close friend into an enemy. It's more my style to just stop talking to someone if they're bothering me. Chances might be very low that we'd talk again, but I can't see myself making an announcement about it.
    We might be talking about close to the same thing here - this is what I do, or at least what it looks like from the outside. I guess it's sort of a "soft doorslam." I doubt that many, or any, or the people I have cut out of my life in this way have noticed that I was being intentional. They probably think I'm busy or have just gone quiet for a while in the way INFPs sometimes do (like many, I'm notoriously bad at staying in touch).

    But in my mind, there is a definite line and a sense of closure to my soft doorslamming that distinguishes it from inadvertently drifting away. Only I can see the difference between the two, I think, but I do mean to close that door; it's not an accident.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Would you open the door again at some point if you'd closed it, if the person was sorry, or had changed a lot, or whatever?
    Yeah, I would. I haven't yet had a situation in which I've been hurt too badly to consider reopening the door. And sometimes it sort of casually reopens on its own months or years later, with very little fanfare.

    Now that you have me thinking about it, I think my doorslam move is a way of carving out space for myself in a situation that feels stifling. If I can just freeze everything that's too upsetting and overwhelming to deal with, I can get some breathing room and let the problem work itself out in the background while I get unstuck and get on with my life.

    This is sort of a stark way of putting it, but if someone is continuously causing me to feel like I'm in a situation I can neither cope with nor escape, I'm going to deal with it by getting rid of that person until the situation is sorted out or I've grown enough to cope with it. Sometimes that's a five-minute break from a discussion with my spouse; sometimes it's "sayonara, casual acquaintance, until I have a reason to reconsider this" (which may be in three months, or may be never).

    (Thanks for the clarification on the INFJ doorslamming thread - I had seen some of that, but got a little out of my newbie depth trying to follow along. )
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  9. #9
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    generally speaking i've drifted apart from many over the years - for me the opposite of positively maintaining a relationship isn't doorslamming them, its just not putting in the effort - if they are a low priority for me i am less likely to make time for them, but i don't generally reject people completely - if they call me i answer, if i find something more important to do i tell them i am busy. they have any chance they want to become a high priority, change, be someone i want to be around with, gain my interest, but its not like they can force me to do anything i dont want to do. this is extremely unlikely to happen with anyone i ever felt close with, and i don't see it ever happening with anyone i feel committed towards.

    i have "doorslammed" of sorts once, and i have done it very nicely i think, too nice to be fixed, but it wa a stupid immature mistake on my part. see, there was a guy who got drafted to the army before me, an ISTJ i think, and he was very very very whiny about it, which i dont mind - problems to solve can be fun- if he is willing to use my solutions... he never did anything i advised him to do, just went on whining about the same problems. i faced him about it, he went on doing it, i told him i am going to sush him whenever he brings up a problem i already gave him a solution, i ended up doing that repeatedly until he just set there on my porch silently.

    if i was a little wiser, i would have just left it at that, allowed him to come back to me when he resolves his own frustrations. but i was a stupid teenager thinking only about what was good for me in the now, and i didn't want to go the army with his negativity, so in order to get rid of him without him feeling rejected or that there's something wrong about himself, i described myself as the ultimate asshole, told him he was a psychological experiment of mine, that the friendship was never real, so that he'd hates me rather then feel bad about himself, and so that he'd doorslam me. it was a lie ofcourse, and a redicules one if he'd stop to think of it, but i didn't think he would and so far i've being right.

  10. #10
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    That's more or less it. Pardon the sarcastic tone of the OP - I am actually interested in serious responses to this thread. It's due to the infamous INFJ doorslam thread. A lot of people seem to think that only INFJs ever do it, or that we do it 100% more than other types.
    Exhibit A
    Would you open the door again at some point if you'd closed it, if the person was sorry, or had changed a lot, or whatever?
    Too many if's to consider. There isn't a one size fits all, IME.
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    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.

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