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Thread: When any type other than INFJ doorslams you/cuts you out of their life

  1. #41
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    May 2009
    1w2 so/sx


    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    so the first two where more or less mutual (they stopped contacting you and you didn't contact them), and in the last one he ignored your attempts to contact him (possibly blocked you off)? it actually sounds like the last one might have had a difficult time coming to peace with what was mainly a rational choice - thinking you should seperate and emotionally wanting otherwise - but that's just a guess... anyway it sounds like you valued them in your own way, so i'm sorry for your loss.
    The first two actually were the most distressing, as they were both very unexpected and especially in the first case totally inexplicable (he underwent a complete image change, started drinking and doing drugs, changed his belief system, and changed his friends etc, but insisted that nothing had prompted it!). In retrospect, both were about what were going on in those people's lives at the time, but because I was younger and quite invested, I thought it was something about me and just wanted to understand what was going on.

    The third case was something that I would have expected from the start and I also had come to terms with the fact that we were on two very different paths and our roads were diverging. I think I knew from the start that it wasn't a good idea to get involved, but I underestimated the power of proximity and emotion trumping rational understanding of the facts. I wasn't willing to change my belief system or life priorities, yet I didn't want to lose him either because by then I loved him. I was living in an isolated place and we had gotten close emotionally very quickly. Even though a greater part of the relationship was negative than positive, when things were good, they were really good. I had expected that after we left he wouldn't contact me again, especially since he hadn't even said good-bye, so it was a surprise when he did stay in touch, and another surprise when he quit.

    I can deal with rejection, but I find it hard when the person's behaviour is inconsistant, because it keeps roiling up my own feelings and keeping me feeling invested. Although us breaking up was something I could rationally see was for the best, I certainly wouldn't have initiated it and felt confused and deeply hurt that he acted to others as though it was no big deal. By the time he cut off contact, it helped that some time had gone by and that I was less involved, so it wasn't as difficult because it wasn't a big shock in the way that the other two situations were. I don't like emotional surprises.

  2. #42
    Member Array WheresRocket's Avatar
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    Apr 2012
    4w5 sp/sx


    Quote Originally Posted by Rasofy View Post
    I think trying to explain why I'm removing the person of my life just generates more drama and defensiveness. Also, I really hate being in a pitiful position. I can't see myself saying ''You did this and this to me, and it hurt me''.
    Why would I want to expose weaknesses to people I now barely care about? So I just avoid them and let their find their own reasons. I'd rather leave them thinking I'm a snobbish mofo than an oversensitive chicken-wuss.
    Yes. This. I don't like to have a big confrontation or Moment with someone I'm upset with, because all I see there is me giving them an opportunity to get their digs in. It's easier to just fade on them.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I think there are a lot of different ways to doorslam and I'm not sure they all count as "classic doorslam". I think of "classic doorslam" as a big speech where you tell them why you're done, and then walking off and refusing more contact. I've done that twice, and interestingly, both times they got back in after a few years.
    Sorry; I'm late to the discussion of this one - but I think this is an important distinction. I agree that there is a big difference between doorslam-with-big-speech and the sort of "stealthily fading from your world" doorslam that I mentioned earlier. It sounds like a lot of other INFPs here do the stealth-doorslam too. Not sure if that is an Official INFP Maneuver or not.

    I wonder if there is a flavor of doorslam that is most popular with each type? Of course that's a gross generalization, and maybe it's just us NFs who appreciate the finer points of a good doorslam anyway Do y'all think there are types that are just not prone toward doorslamming at all?
    Enneagram: 4w5, Sp/Sx
    Socionics: EII-INFj
    Life Path 11, Destiny Number 9
    Pisces Sun, Scorpio Moon, Libra Ascendant

  3. #43
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
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    May 2009
    6w5 sp/sx


    There are so many doorslam threads now that I am getting confused and need to figure out which one I have made which contribution to.
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


  4. #44


    I've gone really cold with people and stopped initiating contact after feeling disrespected and making negative emotional associations (over a period of time) with a particular person. I'm normally very warm so people pick up on this pretty quickly. I'm usually past caring though, at that point. When the person(s) in question approach me, as they frequently do, I'm usually quite honest. Contrary to what I may feel at the time I make the decision though, it's not irreversible and the connections have been eventually rekindled (even gotten stronger) after a combination of time for me to cool off and genuine remorse from the person involved. This has happened 3 or 4 times with friends.
    Last edited by Dali; 04-12-2012 at 09:06 AM.

  5. #45
    Senior Member Array statuesquechica's Avatar
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    Jul 2009
    9w8 sx/so


    The other doorslam thread about INFJs is a bit "prickly" at the moment so would prefer to post here, even though I am INFJ.

    In looking back over the years I have never had the ability or "heart" to doorslam someone. Once I love or care about someone I will want to keep in touch with them because that feeling of love isn't turned off simply because we are no longer together or seeing eye to eye. I am okay with setting boundaries and realizing I may have to set limits for my own peace of mind, but I would never be able to just end contact all together because I still care about that person, no matter what they have done. I have remained friends and in contact with all my exes because this is so important and is a value of mine.

    I have a good friend who is E?FP who went through a dark period of alcoholism and self-destruction so I went through that period not as close to her. Even while she was in jail I visited her just because I knew she was trying to get better and learn from the experience, and I appreciated that about her. I have made huge mistakes and she has been there for me, so I would like to do the same.

    To me, a doorslam, would be equally painful for me as for the person I doorslammed. Strange but true....

    edit: whoops! just realized this is an old thread
    I've looked at life from both sides now
    From up and down and still somehow
    It's life's illusions I recall
    I really don't know life at all

    Joni Mitchell

  6. #46
    Senior Member Array
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    Oct 2013
    4w5 sp/so
    INFj Ne


    I had friends all up until after 9th grade whom I cut all contact with because I just felt our friendship should end, we didn't really have a lot in common and I don't know why I went along with it so far. It was kind of a burden, they would always want to hang out one way or the other, I mostly just wanted to be alone lol. Breaking up with friends feels weird, so I just stopped responding to texts, calls and whatnot. Just up until recently after 6+ months they've finally stopped trying to contact me. I think one of them took it really hard (INFP 6w7 counterphobic emotional wreck with terribly unstable childhood), he really saw me as a true, loyal friend, always there when others weren't. For some reason I don't care about it at all, he was kind of a meanie. I have an awful lot of memories since our long-lasting friendship, some of them even make me laugh from time to time, but I attach no sadness to it nor do I wish do resurrect the friendship. I wanted a new start for starting a new school in a new town and now I don't have any (real-life) friends whatsoever because I'm INCREDIBLY shy... But I don't regret it. I don't need them.

  7. #47
    Seal Down Array Hard's Avatar
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    Jan 2014
    1w2 sp/so
    SLE Se


    I've done this loads of times in my life. I have the amazing ability to just snip the cord with anyone; even family. I generally try and watch it so I don't do that as I have hurt a few people in the past. I'll be honest, at the end of the day I really don't care. If I have done this to someone, it's because I have stopped caring about them, so there's no feeling attached.

    Anyway, when I am done with a person, I am done with them. I stop talking, cut contact, and hope they take a hint. If they don't take the hint and keep pressing, I get nasty. When I was younger I'd mess up who I reigned in as a friend and sometimes do it with people I didn't want to be close with in the first place, and I'd then snip them out quicky, and nearly all of them didn't take it right. Now I am just more choosy with people. If I am about to cut the cord with someone, I start giving up warning signs.
    MBTI: ExxJ tetramer
    Functions: Fe > Te > Ni > Se > Si > Ti > Fi > Ne
    Enneagram: 1w2 - 3w4 - 6w5 (The Taskmaster) | sp/so
    Socionics: β-E dimer | -
    Big 5: slOaI
    Temperament: Choleric/Melancholic
    Alignment: Lawful Neutral
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