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  1. #31
    Senior Member Porcelain Hearts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WheresRocket View Post
    If I'm correctly understanding what's meant by "doorslamming" here, I've done it.

    Generally it's a strategy I reserve for people I am not close with. If a person brings much more negative energy into my life than positive energy, and I don't see anything to be gained from maintaining the relationship, sometimes the thing has run its course and I will move to distance myself, usually by not returning casual contact and putting them on a more secure Facebook friends setting. If someone I had done this with were to contact me and ask me straight-up what was going on, I would probably answer honestly, but usually I just sort of... facilitate our drifting apart, I guess. Sometimes pretty quickly. I just stop being interested in investing energy into a relationship that's sucking me dry.
    Yeah! If it's someone I'm not exactly close with, I just ignore their texts/phone calls. Somehow it just feels hurtful telling them I think they're dumb or that they're a social leech that's sucking the life out of me. Some people thought I "doorslammed" them because I no longer have Facebook... kinda uncanny how Facebook has been such a social protocol for friendships now, but I digress.

    I admit I doorslammed two close people in my life. One, I thought of as a best friend and the second, is an ex. Both of whom were jealous types and incredibly manipulative. When I realised the people I respect did not respect me back, I walk.
    It took a while. With my best friend I stuck around for years hoping she'd change and it was painful to end the ties with her, but I knew I doorslammed with every piece of my dignity intact. Same story with my ex.

  2. #32
    Senior Member Porcelain Hearts's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Growing apart from an old friend doesn't really count here. This is the most common way I've ended friendships & the most common way others do it. You both understand why, because the changes that led to it are very evident, and it's a very gradual, natural thing.

    Being offended or hurt or annoyed by a casual acquaintance (or simply disliking them) & then deciding to avoid them doesn't really count here. This is more along the lines of choosing who to be friends with to begin with vs cutting someone off.

    Let's actually consider the metaphor of "door slamming" - it's shutting someone out mid-conflict instead of seeking a resolution. It's usually someone you're close to, because it's like the way a person would literally door slam a family member in an argument.
    Good clarification.

  3. #33
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think I've had three people in my life totally quit communication, much to my discomfort and consternation. In two cases, they were going through huge personal crises (They both appeared very extroverted, but the one was definitely INFP. Don't know about the other), coupled with overuse of drugs and alcohol. Cutting off contact was their way of avoiding awkward explanations and also of dealing and the drugs and the alcohol were helping them temporarily deal with their problems. In the other case, it was an ex whom I had remained in contact with (ESTJ). I assume that when he completely quit communicating, he met someone else or settled in to the new community he had moved to and no longer needed to keep in touch with me. I don't easily add people into my collection of those I am close to, so I hate giving them up, even when I recognize that it's not a great dynamic or the connection between us isn't really going anywhere productive.

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I think I've had three people in my life totally quit communication, much to my discomfort and consternation. In two cases, they were going through huge personal crises (They both appeared very extroverted, but the one was definitely INFP. Don't know about the other), coupled with overuse of drugs and alcohol. Cutting off contact was their way of avoiding awkward explanations and also of dealing and the drugs and the alcohol were helping them temporarily deal with their problems. In the other case, it was an ex whom I had remained in contact with (ESTJ). I assume that when he completely quit communicating, he met someone else or settled in to the new community he had moved to and no longer needed to keep in touch with me. I don't easily add people into my collection of those I am close to, so I hate giving them up, even when I recognize that it's not a great dynamic or the connection between us isn't really going anywhere productive.
    did they quit talking or did they block communication from you?

  5. #35
    ... Tyrinth's Avatar
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    I think I've done it before. Basically, as soon as someone passes a threshold of sorts where I believe they are bringing me more harm than good, I will rapidly and completely withdraw from them and cut off contact.

    Sometimes it's more drastic than others, it has ranged from me just ceasing to contact them yet not completely ignoring them, from me blocking them and refusing to talk/communicate basically leaving them in the dust wondering what the heck just happened.

    I think that is what's being discussed, not sure.
    ...

  6. #36
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tyrinth View Post
    I think I've done it before. Basically, as soon as someone passes a threshold of sorts where I believe they are bringing me more harm than good, I will rapidly and completely withdraw from them and cut off contact.

    Sometimes it's more drastic than others, it has ranged from me just ceasing to contact them yet not completely ignoring them, from me blocking them and refusing to talk/communicate basically leaving them in the dust wondering what the heck just happened.

    I think that is what's being discussed, not sure.
    I think there are a lot of different ways to doorslam and I'm not sure they all count as "classic doorslam". I think of "classic doorslam" as a big speech where you tell them why you're done, and then walking off and refusing more contact. I've done that twice, and interestingly, both times they got back in after a few years. Although in one case the person became just a distant acquaintance, and in the other case we're friends but not that compatible - but it was nice to resolve things.

    The ones which have been long-lasting/semi-permanent in my case, it was more like a door closing slowly and quietly. Or even, me realising one day that the door was closed and I didn't want to open it again. They might have attempted to make contact once or twice or three times, but when I refused to respond they didn't keep trying. Those were situations where it was an ex, or someone who I felt had led me on and he wanted to be friends (with jealous new girlfriend in tow!) and I just didn't want anything any more. In the latter case, I knew I had to close the door for a while at least. After letting a bit of time pass, and hearing a bit more second-hand about his attitude toward me, and toward his new relationship, and looking a bit more honestly at his behaviour generally - I decided I didn't want to open it again. And he hasn't exactly chased after me (he did chase after me a bit at the beginning, though.)

    Also, I think some people have referred to the kind of doorslam where it's almost like the doorslammer is "punishing" the other person, or being passive aggressive or something, and wanting to make a point, but not wanting it to be permanent. Like, frequently and repeatedly walking away and shutting someone out, and expecting them to chase after you. I don't relate to that at all and it does seem unhealthy and childish.

    I'm not sure why people think Facebook is the best way to end doorslams! I've also heard from someone I used to be involved with on FB, after years...that friend request went unaccepted.
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  7. #37
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Reply to @Mane

    Sudden whiteout on communication after daily contact. In the first instance, he disappeared for a week with no communication (after daily communication for a period of months), then totally changed his lifestyle (took up smoking and drinking), changed his religion (Christian to atheist), changed his style (preppy to grunge), and changed his friends. He also was busted for shoplifting. I think in some ways it was an attempt to get his dad to notice him. He was fairly young at the time (19).

    In the second instance, there was significant age difference, definite attraction to each other, but both of us recognized that a relationship was out of the question (he was battling depression and alcoholism, his fiancee had broken up with him only a few months before, he had a pretty lengthy past history that he hadn't sorted out, his business was failling, we were on different pages faithwise, and I was moving to the States in a matter of months). Had I stayed, I'm quite sure we would have ended up dating, even though I knew it wasn't a good idea. We spent most of our available time together for about 4 or five months (he ran a coffee shop that I used to hang out at to do marking). Although he certainly didn't seem like it on first glance, he said that he was desperately insecure and unsure of himself. At the time, I think he was looking to me for a sense of security or guidance and at 24, I was flattered. After I moved, I came back there once to visit and during the middle of the visit he disappeared and I never heard from him again until a Facebook request was sent 10 years later! He's married now with a couple of kids and we haven't talked since then.

    In the third case, he was the one I dated for 5 years. As time went on, it became apparent that we wanted different things out of life, but by then our social and professional lives were very entangled and we loved one another so we decided not to break up until we were both leaving to do the next thing somewhere else (we realized we couldn't make a go of it long term and so would probably go to separate places when we left the community). He did the push-pull thing all the way through the relationship (particularly before we were going to be apart for a holiday or something and increasingly as our relationship progressed), which made me feel hovery and reliant (normally not me at all), but it took me some time to recognize the pattern. In the February before we were leaving the isolated community where we lived (we were teachers going our separate ways in June), he told me out of nowhere that he he had purposely pushed me away emotionally because he knew it was going to be hard when we had to leave each other, realized it wasn't the best way to do things and asked if we could spend more time together. Two weeks later, he broke up with me without explanation or emotion. The next few months his behaviour was very inconsistant (polite neighbour, acting like a boyfriend, old friends, acquaintance etc) and his drinking was ridiculous (something he hadn't exhibited before, except when I was away). He left without saying goodbye, but asked before if we could keep in touch, then would email every month or two after for about 1 year and a half, but just distant polite acquaintance letters (which seemed odd to me - why bother?). Then nothing and no response if I wrote. By then, I was removed enough to not make a deal of it because ultimately it didn't matter, but it did make me feel bad that there was no sign off of any sort.

  8. #38
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    so the first two where more or less mutual (they stopped contacting you and you didn't contact them), and in the last one he ignored your attempts to contact him (possibly blocked you off)? it actually sounds like the last one might have had a difficult time coming to peace with what was mainly a rational choice - thinking you should seperate and emotionally wanting otherwise - but that's just a guess... anyway it sounds like you valued them in your own way, so i'm sorry for your loss.

  9. #39
    ⒺⓉⒷ Eric B's Avatar
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    "Doorslam" is such a broad term, so yes, any type can do that. The INFJ door slam would stand out because of both the cognitive and temperamental nature of the type. I don't know many (And Iwakar is the only one I know of who types herself that way. I have a second-cousin-in-law who seems to fit one, but she doesn't know type, so I can't be completely sure), but I can tell where it would bt a bigger thing with them, and on PerC's version of the INFJ doorslam topic, they really described it good.

    NFJ, as I have been saying here and over there, is one of the "enigmatic" types, who are high "responsive" in one area (corresponding to their F), and low responsive in another (appearing to contradict F). So they are directive, which is a kind of "task" (rather than people) focus, which basically doesn't like people unless they meet a strict criteria. The attitude is basically "don't call me; I'll call you". INJ is one of the Chart the Course groups, which basically is a Melancholy in Inclusion http://www.pastoral-counseling-cente...-inclusion.htm
    If someone meets the criteria, they will be allowed in, and then experience the higher responsive trait, in the area of Control, which, as NF, is likely Supine or at least Phlegmatic.
    http://www.pastoral-counseling-cente...ne-control.htm
    http://www.pastoral-counseling-cente...ic-control.htm
    Supines have a "servant's heart" (that's the F, in the Control area), but have a high need of appreciation and acknowledgment, and will react if they feel taken advantage of. (Think "the butler did it"). Coupled with the directive Melancholy, they can be very cold and cutting when angry. One of the FIRO theorists described the corresponding combo in that system as a “Foot-Stomping Dependant”, and I can see it in them, though I have not personally experienced it myself. (Those who are Phlegmatic in Control will be less dependant, but instead more stubborn and sarcastic instead).

    Cognitively, you have parental Fe, which will seek outer harmony. But if this is negated too much, it will degrade into Witch Fi, which will lash out against others, using universal moral/ethical judgments. The offender will become an "evil" person.
    ISFJ's have Witch Fi as well, but they are informative, and thus a but softer, and probably easier to woo out of it (As Supines in Inclusion). My wife, as ESFJ has said that there are circumstances under which she would close the door on friendships, but still, it would not be as sudden and explosive as what is described for INFJ's, again, from being an informative Sanguine in Inclusion.

    What they described on the PerC thread was a process ending in a nasty "tell you about yourself" episode, and then just no longer dealing with you anymore. They won't be enemies, but they just won't initiate any relationship/interaction (which Haas & Hunziker describe for Fi in general, but in the Witch position, it will be even more adamantly maintained).

    I had one person, posing as an INFJ, essentially do the door slam on me, but upon reading the PerC thread (in which I gave an anonymous synopsis of the whole affair), it was totally backwards (and the others agreed). First of all, I wasn't even in any sort of close relationship; it was just a passing online clash. (The doorslam is said to be for close relationships, mainly). They started out aggressive FIRST, then as I fought back, and we at one point tried to make amends, but then it was basically on their terms with them on top of things. So when they poked at the situation by essentially bragging about it, when I challenged again, then they did a silent treatment, getting their shots in through talking to other people, and when I kept responding (trying to move it privately) they then slammed the door. But I believe this person is really ENTJ, and from what I have seen in conflicts with other ENTJ's, that's how they tend to do the door slam. They of course start with the aggression first (often very subtle and calmly snarky). They too have the directive NJ preference, but since they're Thinkers and extraverts, you kind of expect it, so the actual door slam doesn't stand out as much as with the INFJ, because they appeared cold and aggressive the whole time. They just get to a point where they are tired of battling, and then aim to get the last word.

    ENFJ's will be a cross between the two, with the extraverted and more clearly critical "In Charge" (Choleric) Inclusion or Interaction Style, but having the Fe, and in the lead position, will probably change their counterpart to the door slam in some way. It probably won't stand out as much for them either, so they apparently don't get tagged with the trait like the INFJ's.
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  10. #40
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    I think that this doorslam theory originates in inferior Se. They want some control over what happens with their environment secretly, and due to the Fe preference (also due to extroverting Fe and Se) this is more geared toward people. Some types may be very up front about their dislike of another and stop talking, but I think that the INFJ flavor is so weird and sudden because they'd probably not want to deal with everything involved and just go ahead and cut them out.

    I personally do cut people out of my life. It's not sudden and without anything happening beforehand. Two instances stand out to me...

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