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  1. #11
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    I'm similar to Randomnity in that I'm more likely to just let the friendship fade into nothingness. But I've never really been in the situation where someone has treated me badly enough for me to completely cut contact with them. I'm the sort of person who can stay friends with their ex as well (if I had one).
    Part of me thinks the whole INFJ doorslamming business might be more noticeable due the formalness of it all. There's also the whole sensitivity thing in play where INFJs, to me, can come across as more tough-minded and decisive with the "This is making me uncomfortable. I'm not going to take this anymore." approach than say an ISFJ who might end up staying in an uncomfortable environment for way too long. Granted, this is not to say that the INFJ hurts less from the whole ordeal.

    When the cutting off happens, rather than it being explosive, it's much more likely to be formal and to the point which can come across as extremely cold. I'd imagine the stark difference between how close the person used to be, and how formal and distant they will become when door-slamming basically creates a massive impression in people's mind. It actually makes the whole cutting off business potentially more painful (as if they suddenly switched off all feelings) than if you had witnessed a person explode with high amount of emotions and so fourth.

    That's my take on it anyway. I think all people probably doorslam, but I think the whole formality aspect of it might be more unique to people who control their emotions (An Fe thing?) that is often observed in INFJs. My INFJ friend for the most part has cut me out of her life (It was semi-romantic at one point), and I can feel it. We're just on cordial terms these days. It's a little unfortunate really.

  2. #12
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Is it 'a bad thing' if INFJs utilize this strategy more than other types?

    I have cut a few people out of my life. I'm thinking the difference may be that the decisions to do so were basically mutual...explanations were provided...and good-byes were said. I have never made a decision like this all on my own without consulting the other person involved.

  3. #13
    violaine
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    I know an INTP who adopted a strategy he called "the fizzle". He was over a person and told her so. He told her that he wouldn't be continuing their association and just stopped interacting with her. He hoped she would get the message without a lot of drama. (It didn't work well, he ended up having to be pretty confrontational to get the other person to move on). I guess that could be like a doorslam though there wasn't a lot of emotion of any kind attached to it.

  4. #14
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  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Is it 'a bad thing' if INFJs utilize this strategy more than other types?
    the type can provide insight to an explenation and condition of why someone does something, but not the nature of the action itself.

    for me the moment you look into a source of information and say "no thanks, i would rather be blissfully ignorant in my choices on how i hurt people"...

    i just don't see a way that can be legitimate, you are still responsible for what you do with the information and what you allow yourself to understand from it, its not like they can actually control your choices... and if they have information that would make you change your mind, then it means its releavent information.

    unless ofcourse it's...

    yep, i'd totally doorslam Xavier.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    At the very least, you can just do what the ENFPs do and turn something negative into self-glorification.

  7. #17
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Growing apart from an old friend doesn't really count here. This is the most common way I've ended friendships & the most common way others do it. You both understand why, because the changes that led to it are very evident, and it's a very gradual, natural thing.

    Being offended or hurt or annoyed by a casual acquaintance (or simply disliking them) & then deciding to avoid them doesn't really count here. This is more along the lines of choosing who to be friends with to begin with vs cutting someone off.

    Let's actually consider the metaphor of "door slamming" - it's shutting someone out mid-conflict instead of seeking a resolution. It's usually someone you're close to, because it's like the way a person would literally door slam a family member in an argument. It also tends to be childish, because there's a refusal to communicate or to do anything on your part to make amends. Most of the time it seems like a demand for others to grovel to you....but you won't "open up" until they say just the right thing (read your mind & guess your demands, then give into them).

    Can any type do this? Of course, but when you read Ni + Fe descriptions, then you really see why that mentality is prone to it. The way of handing conflict is often to reject any reality that doesn't align with what you want it to be (this is how INFJs predict things - they almost subconsciously manipulate things - or the interpretation of them - to an "inevitable" end). Restoring peace is just to out a perceived violator of it. There's a tendency to not look inward in terms of evaluating their own role in things (no Fi, Ti is impersonal). They do the creepy Ni perspective shift, so they can come out smelling like roses in their own mind. They create a back story of being a victim, and they just don't understand why everyone is sooo mean to them! Etc...

    What also makes INFJ door slamming distinct is the level of hypocrisy. They can say & do the nastiest things to people, but if 1/10 the level of that is returned to them, they get all butthurt & cut people off. I've witnessed it so many times, from a distance as an observer & up close among family. Everyone else has to be perfect but these INFJs, because in their distorted views they are pretty much perfect. Their standards for others are completely unreasonable, but you must forgive them a multitude of violations. That's how these individuals come off anyway, and when you have an attitude like that, you're going to be cutting people off right & left because you can't handle self-evaluation, personal responsibility, etc. These people also constantly appear to be running away in life (mentally, rather than physically as others do) rather than dealing with problems. They don't just cut out people, but situations, experiences, etc. This is obviously not "healthy", and it's not characteristic of all INFJs so much as INFJs who door slam a lot (the way they tend to go about it & be in general).

    I've seen this done to my mom by her INFJ sister countless times, and I see the solution is never ever to grovel or meet their demands. They must be isolated, or effectively door slammed by mutual friends/family. They'll find themselves alone after a short time, and then they come back all meek, albeit rarely with an apology. You can't always call their bluff (because it seems to me that's often what it is, or a risk they're willing to take to get their way), but if you can, then you'll probably win.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  8. #18
    libtard SJW chickpea's Avatar
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    i've done it, i had a friend that i knew had been talking about me behind my back and had just been lying to me about a lot of stupid shit, so i completely cut her out of my life without really giving her a reason or anything. it made things kinda awkward because we were both part of a small group of friends that hung out with each other all the time, so they had to like split their time between us. she took it really badly and started insulting me a lot to mutual friends of ours, but i made sure i was the bigger person and didn't try to get anyone to take my side, i just said i didn't think maintaining a relationship with her was worth it anymore. and i think in the long run it made her look bad.

    i don't think i know any INFJs in real life so i've never observed the doorslam phenomenon with them.

  9. #19
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    for me the moment you look into a source of information and say "no thanks, i would rather be blissfully ignorant in my choices on how i hurt people"...
    I'm not exactly sure what you are saying. All types have ways in which they say...no thanks, i would rather be blissfully ignorant in my choices on how i hurt people. For example, ENPs are especially skilled at spinning stories...heck...actually convincing themselves that they are 'innocent of wrong-doing/blameless'.

    Adding on...

    We don't just shut-out all new incoming information. We actually create shit.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I've seen this done to my mom by her INFJ sister countless times, and I see the solution is never ever to grovel or meet their demands. They must be isolated, or effectively door slammed by mutual friends/family. They'll find themselves alone after a short time, and then they come back all meek, albeit rarely with an apology. You can't always call their bluff (because it seems to me that's often what it is, or a risk they're willing to take to get their way), but if you can, then you'll probably win.
    1. i identify with a lot of your description... actually all of it seems to match perfectly.

    2. what do you mean by winning?

    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I'm not exactly sure what you are saying. All types have ways in which they say...no thanks, i would rather be blissfully ignorant in my choices on how i hurt people
    i drifted apart from many over the years - most because i move a lot, but some of conflicts and stuff - but if a friend of mine from years gone by sends me an email or give me a call, i would answer. if they aren't good friends i might not go out of my way or reschedual something just to meet them, if there's still bad blood between us i might ask for it to be resolved, and if i never liked them to began with i just won't be very nice to them, i might even be cruel in how openly i express my dislike of them, which can be quite discouraging.

    but at no point do i block them out or say no to incoming information. if they want to explain themselves, tell me about their lives and realizations, share something about their perspective or how they feel, they always can. if it will change my opinion of them, then its pretty important information, and if it won't then no harm.

    doorslamming on the other hand - blocking someone out - actually blocking information from other people, is self-imposed ignorance regarding someone else's perspective.
    now usually self-imposed ignorance is just self-destructive, if your an alcoholic living in a social vacum and choose to never read a piece about how it can affect your liver and never face how it affects your behavior and mentality, then hey, your not hurting anyone else.
    but the moment you have anyone else in your life, the moment your choices influence anyone else, your not only imposing your willful ignorance on yourself, your imposing it on those around you. and that is what a doorslam is.

    and i know i sound condescending as hell when i do this, but honestly this seems so obvious to me that i can't believe it needs to be explained, it reminds of explaining to my toddler why to flush the toilet after himself or why you don't solve conflicts over a toy by hitting another kid...

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