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  1. #1
    You're fired. Lol. Antimony's Avatar
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    Default xNTP and deciphering non-communication

    Normally, I get people pretty easily. However, I am stumped. I have an xNTP (I think he is an INTP) friend. At least, I think he is my friend. To make a list:

    -He nearly never responds to me. I could be in great distress, and he wouldn't respond.
    -However, he did months ago when I was in moderate distress, and he was reassuring. Quick responses, very empathetic. Not faking.
    -During that conversation he said that after first meeting me he already liked me more than most of his close friends
    -That conversation lasted hours and hours.
    -My (now ex) and I ended up together, and after that, essentially no responses
    -He has stated that other people try as hard as I do to talk to him
    -He says he is known for not picking up his phone for days (reassuring me that it's him, maybe?)
    -Seems to enjoy my company when I have seen him. He has a difficult time engaging or wanted to engage until he actually does. You can see where that can cause problems. Doesn't want to hang out or talk until he actually does, it seems.
    -Has responded to phone calls, though I haven't tried any recently.

    These are just my perceptions. I keep trying to figure out his mind, and one of the biggest things I can't seem to figure out is: does he want to talk to me, and why or why not.
    Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

    Always reserve the right to become smarter at a future point in time, for only a fool limits themselves to all they knew in the past. -Alex

  2. #2
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    He's independent, and he probably talks to people when he wants to talk to them, and under no other circumstance. It's up to you as to whether you can deal with that or not, but it sounds like he certainly would not be good in a crisis. To me, he'd be one of those "I'll see you whenever I see you, I guess?" friends.

  3. #3
    You're fired. Lol. Antimony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    He's independent, and he probably talks to people when he wants to talk to them, and under no other circumstance. It's up to you as to whether you can deal with that or not, but it sounds like he certainly would not be good in a crisis. To me, he'd be one of those "I'll see you whenever I see you, I guess?" friends.
    How am I supposed to tell when people like that want to talk?
    Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

    Always reserve the right to become smarter at a future point in time, for only a fool limits themselves to all they knew in the past. -Alex

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antimony View Post
    How am I supposed to tell when people like that want to talk?
    No idea. The best way to know is for him to approach you, which probably won't happen a whole lot. The second best way is to keep trying whenever you want to talk, but without the expectation that he'll actually be there so that you don't get hurt when he's not.

  5. #5
    You're fired. Lol. Antimony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    No idea. The best way to know is for him to approach you, which probably won't happen a whole lot. The second best way is to keep trying whenever you want to talk, but without the expectation that he'll actually be there so that you don't get hurt when he's not.
    If I let him talk when he wants to, we will never talk. I'm not hurt over him not talking, I'm confused. I don't want to piss him off by trying to talk, which is where me trying to figure out if he wants to talk ever or not comes in.
    Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

    Always reserve the right to become smarter at a future point in time, for only a fool limits themselves to all they knew in the past. -Alex

  6. #6
    Senior Member Silveresque's Avatar
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    Try email, maybe? He may find it less intrusive, since it allows him to answer when he feels like it.

  7. #7
    royal member Rasofy's Avatar
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    I like the e-mail idea. He seems to like you, but young INTPs are usually clueless and very passive with these things. Shyness would make it worse.
    edit: Not sure if it is just me, but I think INTPs in general don't like phoning.
    -----------------

    A man builds. A parasite asks 'Where is my share?'
    A man creates. A parasite says, 'What will the neighbors think?'
    A man invents. A parasite says, 'Watch out, or you might tread on the toes of God... '


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  8. #8
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antimony View Post
    Normally, I get people pretty easily. However, I am stumped. I have an xNTP (I think he is an INTP) friend. At least, I think he is my friend. To make a list:

    -He nearly never responds to me. I could be in great distress, and he wouldn't respond.
    -However, he did months ago when I was in moderate distress, and he was reassuring. Quick responses, very empathetic. Not faking.
    -During that conversation he said that after first meeting me he already liked me more than most of his close friends
    -That conversation lasted hours and hours.
    -My (now ex) and I ended up together, and after that, essentially no responses
    -He has stated that other people try as hard as I do to talk to him
    -He says he is known for not picking up his phone for days (reassuring me that it's him, maybe?)
    -Seems to enjoy my company when I have seen him. He has a difficult time engaging or wanted to engage until he actually does. You can see where that can cause problems. Doesn't want to hang out or talk until he actually does, it seems.
    -Has responded to phone calls, though I haven't tried any recently.

    These are just my perceptions. I keep trying to figure out his mind, and one of the biggest things I can't seem to figure out is: does he want to talk to me, and why or why not.
    Yeah, that seems typical, and I think his interest in you is sincere. I remember having most of those same tendencies when I was younger, to that degree, before I was forced to extend my social/relational boundaries and got used to new ways to interact -- but I can still be pretty reclusive in the sense that, while I may like someone immensely, it's very very hard for me to commit to a long conversation because of the time block. If a close friend calls and we start talking, we can talk a few hours and I really enjoy the conversation, but afterward I can feel like I spent too long on the phone even if I like the person a lot. I hate being that way, but that's just what I'm feeling... it sucks for me, and I know it sucks for the other person when I have feelings like that, but I'm not sure how to change it.

    Also, you mentioned earlier about how when you finally do get him, he's very empathetic toward you and doesn't seem to be faking. I doubt he is. With me, I usually prioritize based on need; if I sense someone really needs me, then I'm totally there and can be of great help; however, if it's something where I feel the need is not as great and someone else is accessible and can fill the role, sometimes I just won't engage. Again, something I don't like about myself, but it's a hard thing to work out and change. Sometimes I work at it simply because I do value the other person(s) and do want to help, and I appreciate they reached out to me, and I also know the end result of not being there for someone is for them to eventually stop contacting me and that's not what I want...

    ... but anyway, it sounds kinda like it's him and then NTP thing, and not you.

    AS others have mentioned, a bit more indirect communication is actually much easier -- I know I don't have the same issues with PMs or emails or texting, as long as the other person doesn't expect me to respond immediately. As my PM numbers here suggest, I take written communication seriously and don't feel overwhelmed by it; I can fit in into my schedule as I go, but phone calls invade my space immediately and then I feel like I either need to answer or else not pick up and someone might be offended by that.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #9
    You're fired. Lol. Antimony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RevlisZero View Post
    Try email, maybe? He may find it less intrusive, since it allows him to answer when he feels like it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Rasofy View Post
    I like the e-mail idea. He seems to like you, but young INTPs are usually clueless and very passive with these things. Shyness would make it worse.
    edit: Not sure if it is just me, but I think INTPs in general don't like phoning.
    @Jennifer

    The idea of text was to make it less intrusive. When I call him, he purposefully sounds irritated and is like "What." but in a way that I can tell he doesn't actually care. We'll even have an Ne saturated banter for a few minutes that is anything but normal.

    I usually hate phoning people. Even picking up phone calls can make me nervous. Not sure why. But he has sparked my interest. It doesn't help that I feel a little shy around him. I intentionally have a sense of confidence when I talk to him.

    And again, not entirely sure he is an INTP. I can't figure it out. He has many acquaintances, but claims to have no one he is extremely close to. Though with me opening up, he opened up back.

    The other day I was in great distress and texted him, but I think he saw that as 'boy crying wolf' because I said I wouldn't back down from trying to talk unless he told me to. I think he may just be trying to challenge me right now.

    Maybe.
    Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

    Always reserve the right to become smarter at a future point in time, for only a fool limits themselves to all they knew in the past. -Alex

  10. #10
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    A little poke at INTPs. They want to communicate when they want to communicate but if you ignore them, they feel ignored.

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