I fial to understand why I have come here of all oplaces for advice. Perhaps it is that I consult every source of information I can but I need help and I need it now. I am pouring sweat as I write this.
I am INTJ and yes there are advantages to having this type but if I could I would trade it for ANY of the extroverted types. How I wish I could just forget higher level thought and go with the crowd. Alas INTJ seems to be my blessing or curse.
THis article is aimed at all extroverts. HOw do you do it?
Anytime I am in a social situation other then with my close personal friends I sweat extremly I cant speak I can only think of how much of a fuck up I am and how I cant handle something simple as conversation without embarresing myself. Due to this I have become reserved quiet distant and no one knows who I am. This quite bad as I have never had a seroius girlfriend and that is my goal. I don't care if she is hot or not Im not like the assholes im surrounded by. I have but one requirement of her and that is she must have a mind equal to my own. SHe must be someone I can talk to on my level.Also preferably ashe must be someone who likes me for who I am not who I dress like or what I pretend to be.
So for this reason I pursued INTJ girls I figured That would be easyiest to relate too. BUT to my shock I found they essentially do not exist (especialy in my comunity). THen I began to expand on that idea and started thinking "Well hey maby I can change myself instead of waiting for people to change" THis opened up a whole new can of worms. That being that for the first time in my life I truly realised that no one knows who I am. I am not hated nor am I loved. Thats the worst feeling ever. To be loved is to be known, To be hated is to be known, To be not known at all after years with the same people well that just hurts.
I actualy had some slight success with this one girl SHe was by no means cute and no one wants her (bad family life but thats another story)she was enfp and loved anime and gaming (both video and rpg)so that worked well. Infact it was perfect. HOwever she broke my heart. 3 days before our big first date she said she was no longer intrested and quote " the new wore off of the relastionship" upon further study I found out that enfp's do have notoriusly short attention spans. And you can immagine what that did to me with the hyper sensitivity to rejection that INTJS possses.In combination with the fact that I was now laughed at by the entire school not only for dating someone who didn't meet there standards of outward beauty but I also had the misforturne of being rejectted by her.
I shared something with her about my introverted condition I feel I must share with the good people of this website if you are to truly be able to understand my possition. And don't take this the wrong way as I am not mentaly insane disturbed or depresed. She was suicidal (and probbably still is) so one day she asks me " Ever considerd suicide?" TO which I respond "not seroiusly" what I meen by that is if I were to do that which I would never but if I were to end it all, It wouldn't evan matter becuase no one would notice the diffrence whether I was enternally absent or present.(other then my family I have a good family) I also whent on to expand on this note and say that sometimes it feels like I have allready killed myself and this is hell. To which she responds " AWW but you have me right" SO I say " yes it feels like you are that one bit of happiness which will just be snatched away from me as soon as I grow to love it" [which is what happend!]
I am trying as hard as I can to break the social barriers inherint with intj personality type. Its like I can form this awesome plan about how to do it but then I phyisically can't get up the nerve to step up and do it. It is like a physical disability for me. TO all the fellow INTJS out there have you yet figured out how to break theses barriers if so how?
I am so damn lonely, and I am sick of it.