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Types and social skills

Lily flower

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
930
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
I have had a total revelation in the last 2 days, thanks to some of the posts on here. It may be old news to all of you, but to me it's new. I used to think that social skills were on a continuum - you had a lot of them, or few of them, etc.

Now I am realizing that people can possess fantastic social skills in one area, but poor social skills in another. For instance, a sociopath can charm people, but does not have compassion. As an INFJ, I am great at listening to people's problems, but I am not good at initiating getting together or calling someone on the phone. An ENFJ friend of mine is wonderful at people's problems, at making you feel like a million dollars, but bad at follow up or close relationships.

So - tell me about your type and your social skills. How are you good and bad? Or tell me about a type you know well.
 

chickpea

perfect person
Joined
Sep 12, 2009
Messages
5,729
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
i'm kind to people, i don't pressure them to do anything they don't want to do or push my opinions on them, i'm accepting of people's differences and i can make people laugh.

like you i'm awful at initiating anything though. i'm shy and not a good planner so i feel like i'm usually just along for the ride in group situations.
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
5,903
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
7w8
I am good at:

- getting to know complete strangers
- making a very introverted person feel comfortable both one-on-one and in a group
- giving attention to a romantic interest
- taking the initiative with friends when they respond well

I am bad at:

- not arguing with people (being diplomatic)
- keeping in touch with friends whom i've gotten out of touch
- being friends with people when we have strongly diverging opinons
- anything that requires being passive, really.

In this realm I think I'm a stereotypical ExTx type.

A type I know well - ISFJ (both my mother and my girlfriend).

Good:

- being conversational with someone they know well
- giving practical help to friends-lovers-family members
- dissolving disagreements (when they feel like it)
- getting along / empathizing with "difficult" people (ill, mentally sick, etc.)

Bad:

- making an introverted person feel comfortable
- being comfortable in a group of people they don't know well
- understanding your POV when they don't feel like it
- making themselves look cool and great in the eyes of other people (which I find cute, but I know it has an adverse effect)
 
R

ReflecTcelfeR

Guest
I can read and control minds...

I can't keep friends for very long.
 

skylights

i love
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
7,756
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
good at:
- gathering people
- making people feel comfortable, being very accepting
- empowering people, cheering others up
- noticing and focusing on what is important to people
- leading groups for a short period of time
- keeping in touch
- flirting

bad at:
- dealing with interpersonal conflict
- staying on track in conversation, always being "appropriate"
- mobilizing others towards an undisclosed agenda
- dealing with people who are attracted to me who i am not attracted to
- being the primary leader for a sustained period of time
- dealing with anyone when i am angry
 

INTPness

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2009
Messages
2,157
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
In all seriousness, I think the social realm is a strange paradox for INTP's. On one hand, we have the ability to be very good at it with Fe and Ne. The ability is there and people see glimpses of it - even I surprise myself sometimes when I get glimpses of it. Those 2 functions combine to make a very, sort of "smooth" social ability. But, Ti and Si could literally get through an ice age without interacting with anyone. And Ti/Si (1st/3rd) tend to dominate Ne/Se (2nd/4th). And when we are in social settings around unfamiliar people, sometimes Ti and Si are trying to be in control and that doesn't work. If an INTP seems a bit awkward, he or she is probably listening to the Ti voice too much. Ti is good for when we're alone. But, when we seem more comfortable and smooth, it's because we've allowed Ne/Fe to take command of the spaceship - and the results are usually significantly better.
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
Social skills are easy. Just follow the crowd, be PC, be inauthentic.

Social skills are difficult. They don't align with my internal harmony needs.
 

INTPness

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2009
Messages
2,157
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
be inauthentic.

No can do. I find it nearly impossible to do this. It would be like getting up in front of a bunch of Midevil English and History scholars and trying to B.S. them as if I know what I'm talking about, when in fact I'm clueless. It just wouldn't work and I'd much rather just go up to the podium and say, "Sorry to disappoint you folks, but I know nothing about this subject so I'm going to sit back down and let one of you come up and talk. Thank you."
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
In all seriousness, I think the social realm is a strange paradox for INTP's. On one hand, we have the ability to be very good at it with Fe and Ne. The ability is there and people see glimpses of it - even I surprise myself sometimes when I get glimpses of it. Those 2 functions combine to make a very, sort of "smooth" social ability. But, Ti and Si could literally get through an ice age without interacting with anyone. And Ti/Si (1st/3rd) tend to dominate Ne/Se (2nd/4th). And when we are in social settings around unfamiliar people, sometimes Ti and Si are trying to be in control and that doesn't work. If an INTP seems a bit awkward, he or she is probably listening to the Ti voice too much. Ti is good for when we're alone. But, when we seem more comfortable and smooth, it's because we've allowed Ne/Fe to take command of the spaceship - and the results are usually significantly better.

i know a 40ish intp with great fe...he has been married to an esfj for 20+ years so i'm sure that helps...but i'm also thinking you just get better at it with age too...yeah?
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
No can do. I find it nearly impossible to do this. It would be like getting up in front of a bunch of Midevil English and History scholars and trying to B.S. them as if I know what I'm talking about, when in fact I'm clueless. It just wouldn't work and I'd much rather just go up to the podium and say, "Sorry to disappoint you folks, but I know nothing about this subject so I'm going to sit back down and let one of you come up and talk. Thank you."
I should clarify since the above is such a strong example. Not so much b/sing about knowledge when it's evident there's a lack of knowledge but if you disagree with someone, pretend to compromise or align, even if your point of view hasn't changed. It's a matter of ROI, where external harmony is valued more than internal harmony.
 

INTPness

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2009
Messages
2,157
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
i know a 40ish intp with great fe...he has been married to an esfj for 20+ years so i'm sure that helps...but i'm also thinking you just get better at it with age too...yeah?

Yeah, definitely! I've noticed, as the years go on, my Fe stock is on the rise. It's much more available to me at any given time and I'm able to tap into it much easier. 10 years ago, I still had it, but it was much more unrefined/raw and sometimes when I needed it I couldn't find it - like it was on vacation. Now, it's a mainstay in my arsenal.

I should clarify since the above is such a strong example. Not so much b/sing about knowledge when it's evident there's a lack of knowledge but if you disagree with someone, pretend to compromise or align, even if your point of view hasn't changed. It's a matter of ROI, where external harmony is valued more than internal harmony.

And that's why you ENTJ's maneuver so well through the social realm. Logically, I totally understand what you're saying - why it's beneficial to do. But, execution of it is another thing. Hard to explain - almost like changing lanes when you know you haven't checked your blind spot, or like you're getting into unchartered waters - because inside, you don't truly believe in what you are agreeing to.

I suppose I do it more often than I realize - like continuing to hold down a job where you don't agree with what goes on there, or even small scale things with friends. But, as you may know having been around INTP's, we're more likely to scratch and claw if we don't really believe in what's going on with the group. (Edit: or, just wallk away from the group altogether)
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
i'm good at talking to strangers and jumping right past the getting to know you stage.
i'm good at steering the conversation towards things i find interesting..
i'm good at coming up with ideas for things to do
and for initiating meet ups
i'm good at making everyone feel included which sometimes means interrupting someone who's monopolizing the conversation and asking the quieter ones their thoughts
i'm good at keeping the mood light...or taking it deeper and more personal but mediating personal conflicts
i'm good at keeping up and not getting tired...i's no killjoy! haha

bad at....feigning interest when there is none
bad at keeping a high level of energy around just one or two people with low energy
bad at remembering to think before i speak sometimes and sometimes accidentally offend people due to poor wording choice :/
i can be so excited about meeting new people that i forget to pay enough attention to other ones...sometimes
bad at caring enough to be appropriate
sort of bad at being reserved or treating people more formally
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
And that's why you ENTJ's maneuver so well through the social realm. Logically, I totally understand what you're saying - why it's beneficial to do. But, execution of it is another thing. Hard to explain - almost like changing lanes when you know you haven't checked your blind spot, or like you're getting into unchartered waters - because inside, you don't truly believe in what you are agreeing to.
We can do it but some of us don't bother much anymore. That said, it's okay to agree to disagree since there's rarely only one way to perceive anything.

(Edit: or, just wallk away from the group altogether)
:laugh: Good catch. I was just getting ready to suggest this and found it in the quote!
 

INTPness

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2009
Messages
2,157
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
I just want to conclude by saying that if anyone needs any serious advice on social skills, just hit up one of us INTP's and we'll be glad to give you some pointers. :kick me:
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
I have had a total revelation in the last 2 days, thanks to some of the posts on here. It may be old news to all of you, but to me it's new. I used to think that social skills were on a continuum - you had a lot of them, or few of them, etc.

Now I am realizing that people can possess fantastic social skills in one area, but poor social skills in another. For instance, a sociopath can charm people, but does not have compassion. As an INFJ, I am great at listening to people's problems, but I am not good at initiating getting together or calling someone on the phone. An ENFJ friend of mine is wonderful at people's problems, at making you feel like a million dollars, but bad at follow up or close relationships.

So - tell me about your type and your social skills. How are you good and bad? Or tell me about a type you know well.

THIS IS SO TRUE!!! I think a lot of IxFJs are great at counseling people and being very polite and appropriate and smoothing things over, and for whatever reason IRL I'm pretty good at getting people to like me. They just give me things and hug me and generally find me easy to get along with, except for certain people, because of my strong opinions about certain things, they can be a little taken aback about it. But I'm usually so nice that most people look past it, or even like that about me...plus I know to keep my mouth shut IRL around certain people, believe it or not. I can be EXCEEDINGLY DIRECT (I'm good at levelly but firmly telling people to stop their shit without raising my voice or using offensive language) but I actually save a lot of the opinionated ranting you see on-line for a particular audience that I know can handle it.

I guess I'm good at reading people that way.

So.

My skills are:

1) Charming people

2) Being direct

3) Knowing who I can be an opinionated jackass with and knowing who to keep my mouth shut around...it's how I've been able to charm both old ladies and teenaged boys.

4) But I know I definitely lack the uber-smoothness and total tact that I see in Fe types

I'm an ExFP fo' sho'. ENFP or ESFP.

EDIT: I'm also a procrastinator and I'm perpetually late, so that's another area where I socially fail, btw.
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
Good: making people comfortable, very complimentary, know how to get people to open up

Bad: I have a bad habit of zoning out socially when I am nervous/bored/uncertain (I am sure people have considered me a bitch because of this) a bit blunt
 

kissmyasthma

New member
Joined
Jul 29, 2010
Messages
98
MBTI Type
I???
Enneagram
huh
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I'm good at:
-Interacting with people one-on-one
-Enthusiastically conversing one-on-one with people I know well
-Sometimes mirroring others
-Written communication (ha)
-Making people laugh (well, my friends and family, anyway xP)
-Being considerate, no matter who I'm interacting with. I avoid saying or doing things that I know will hurt others.

I'm not so good at:
-Using the telephone (a.k.a. the bane of my existence)
-Talking to strangers
-Talking to strangers on the telephone (ugh, it's the stuff of nightmares)
-Speaking up in groups with two or more other people. I often have trouble finding a "place" in a conversation, especially if everyone in the group is oblivious to my non-involvement.
-Expressing sympathy, but not for a lack of trying. I'm one of those people who frequently says "I'm sorry" to try to express sympathy, and is then reprimanded with something along the lines of "it's not your fault."
-Sometimes, I'm too frank (my mom would say "brutally honest")
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I used to say I have bad social skills because I am quite shy & a bit of a loner, but I really just have bad (what I call) "party" social skills.

I'm not good at:
- Making good first impressions because I am shy & awkward a first
- Initiating conversations & contact (via phone or whatever)
- Indicating personal interest in others right away (I come off a bit aloof)
- Adapting to the "norms" of the atmosphere, often appearing as strange in an oft-putting way (this can be from how I dress to my absent-minded demeanor)
- Carrying a conversation with new people, especially in a group setting
- Keeping in frequent contact with friends
- Planning social events or initiating plans with individual friends
- Articulating myself in simple, small talk (I seem awkward & rather dull)

I am good at:
- Getting along with different people - at work/school & mostly at home ;)
- Not having drama in my life, staying conflict-free most of the time
- Gaining respect/admiration from others over time
- Making others feel comfortable if I sense they aren't
- Understanding how others feel & accommodating their feelings when reasonable
- Listening to others & offering advice without being pushy
- One-on-one conversations, especially in depth emotional discussion
- Articulating complicated ideas/feelings
- Being patient in teaching/waiting for requests to be met
- Showing personal interest in people I am comfortable with
- Not insisting on my own way or some other set of roles; staying flexible
- Basic manners (ie. please & thank you)

I guess most of that comes down to interactions beyond the initial ones. In short, I am not socially charming, but I'm pretty good with established relationships.
 

Eckhart

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2010
Messages
1,090
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
???
Good at:
-Making other people feel socially competent in comparison.

Bad at:
-Being socially competent.


Ok, that is an overexaggeration of course. I may have the typcial INFP traits that I don't pressure other people, am usually kind, I don't get into arguments much and I guess I can be a good listener; but the typical traits that seem to be commonly associated with social skills, like being confident and initiating, going towards other people, being encouraging to other people, form a social atmosphere, being good at small talk and such stuff, I totally fail at.
 
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