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  1. #41
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    NT:

    1 - Words of Affirmation
    2 - Physical Touch (Which is paradoxal because I loath being touched, usually.)

  2. #42
    Circus Maximus Sarcasticus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StrawMan View Post
    NT

    Quality time
    Physical touch
    Me too. I'm seeing a pattern in looking over this thread..

  3. #43
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    NT.

    To fit my squarish self into a roundish hole, I would have to say:

    1. Quality Time (which emcompasses very deep personal talk / exploration of world)

    followed by

    2. Physical Touch [not necessarily sex]

    Words of Affirmation only work in the right context.
    Gifts only work if your gift shows you know me uniquely.
    Gifts of Service are appreciated pragmatically but don't really stroke me.

    I wish those three things meant more to me, but typically they roll off my back, unless I am specifically asking for them.

    To be honest, I just want to talk meaningfully and feel like someone knows me, and delights in me and who I am.

    EDIT: I just skimmed the rest of the thread... ROFL
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #44
    ⒺⓉⒷ Eric B's Avatar
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    My wife and I read this years ago, and I had trouble deciding on what mine was. I do like physical touch, if it's nice and affectionate, though if I'm preoccupied on some mental task, it might be distracting. Quality time I would have thought would be high, but in practice, I end up in my own world on the computer. Service and gifts are nice, I guess. Not sure how much I particularly appreciate it in practice. Words of Affirmation was the likely preference, but it can't be contradicted by too much criticism at other times. So I felt "tolerance" would be my language, but that's not in there.

    As far as giving, I think it would be "commitment", but that's not in there either. I guess quality time, but it would have to be something I'm interested in, which is the problem. I would do service, gifts and physical touch, if I feel I am freely giving and it is not expected. Affrirmation I am horrible at.

    Because I have never fully determined my own clear preference, I ever bothered trying to correlate these with temperament or type. It does seem that some of what I mentioned is connected with being Supine in Inclusion and Affection. (Basically, the INP part of my type).
    APS Profile: Inclusion: e/w=1/6 (Supine) |Control: e/w=7/3 (Choleric) |Affection: e/w=1/9 (Supine)
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  5. #45
    Circus Maximus Sarcasticus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    NT.

    To fit my squarish self into a roundish hole, I would have to say:

    1. Quality Time (which emcompasses very deep personal talk / exploration of world)

    followed by

    2. Physical Touch [not necessarily sex]

    Words of Affirmation only work in the right context.
    Gifts only work if your gift shows you know me uniquely.
    Gifts of Service are appreciated pragmatically but don't really stroke me.

    I wish those three things meant more to me, but typically they roll off my back, unless I am specifically asking for them.

    To be honest, I just want to talk meaningfully and feel like someone knows me, and delights in me and who I am.

    EDIT: I just skimmed the rest of the thread... ROFL
    Heh, I think our orders of preference are identical. I just don't get the whole "Acts of Service" thing. That's dead last for me behind Gifts (which I appreciate but don't expect or demand).

  6. #46
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarcasticus View Post
    Heh, I think our orders of preference are identical. I just don't get the whole "Acts of Service" thing. That's dead last for me behind Gifts (which I appreciate but don't expect or demand).
    yeah. You can never give me a gift or try to affirm me with words, and yet we could still be close; but if you do not spend "deep time" with me, we'll never ever be really close at all.

    What was hard was that many family members of mine are Gifts/Acts of Service people. Total mismatch.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #47

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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    ...

    He identifies the 5 languages as these:

    Words of Affirmation
    Quality Time
    Receiving Gifts
    Acts of Service
    Physical Touch

    ...
    I like all of them. But which one conveys the most love? Pretty hard to quantify, and some things are a combination.

    Acts of service always makes me think of sexual favours. Though that would include physical touch and possibly words of affirmation too.

    Gifts are nice, it's the thought that counts. And the act of buying them. So are gifts an act of service?

    I like physical touch. Not too rushed, it's real quality time.

    I'm confused about my needs.

  8. #48
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    yeah. You can never give me a gift or try to affirm me with words, and yet we could still be close; but if you do not spend "deep time" with me, we'll never ever be really close at all.
    Yeah.. this is a good way to look at it. It's not like I don't get warm fuzzies with thoughtful gifts/surprises, or acts of service, but the absence of them wouldn't be indicative of a lack of love, to me. I wouldn't be concerned/worried about the relationship when those were lacking.

    Absence of Quality Time and Physical Touch, though? That would be epically bad - hence they're my top 2. I realized their importance in February, when my guy was pretty sick for over a week, and we didn't really see much of each other at all. With the absence of those two, that's where I noticed I really did need more of the Words of Affirmation (i.e. emails, or whatever), whereas under 'normal' circumstances I don't need the Words/reassurance in a big way.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  9. #49
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    NF

    Touch
    Words of Affirmation
    Quality time


    I appreciate gifts and acts of service a lot, but it's not something that I crave. The other three however, I do, especially being touched. I'm a tactile person.
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  10. #50
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    1. Quality time
    2. Physical touch
    3. Words of affirmation
    4. Acts of service
    5. Gifts

    Quality time absolutely trumps everything else. It can't be bought or traded, and it represents an investment in our relationship. It is providing opportunities for us to get to know each other through shared experiences and through meaningful, heart-felt discussion.


    On the other end of the spectrum, I've explicitly told people not to give me gifts in recent years. If I buy something myself, it will more closely approximate what I actually want. I can tell you exactly what I want, but then the process of buying me a gift becomes robotic and obligatory. Gift cards are worse than cash. In addition, there's very little that I actually do want, so most anything that gets bought for me has the potential to end up in a closet or at Goodwill.

    Many gifts come from a place of, "But I wanted to get you something!! " Sorry, I don't have an obligation to actually keep or use something that you get me. If you want to communicate love to me, you'll have to use another approach.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Gift-giving doesn't usually do much for me, since I usually dislike the gifts, don't need them, and prefer to choose things for myself. ... I consider this the best kind of gift, since it lets me spend more time on things I prefer to be doing, or to work on something with fewer interruptions. It also makes me just plain feel cared for.
    rants about gifts

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