Although we have had good interactions I have felt him vacillating this whole time we have been getting to know each other. I can feel him being needy and then feel him rejecting me and then feel his affection and optimism. I realize I was getting way ahead of myself in this friendship and if he reaches out to me again I will really try to tone down my vibes... Oh could some INFP with insight please help me. My heart is going, "OUCH!" I am going to go to the gym to work up some endorphins but I will check back later.
Last edited by Serafina; 02-16-2011 at 07:29 PM.
Reason: Took out some personal info
I can give some of my input, though I am leaning towards ENFP on my type.
I would say that NFP's in general, are rarely every truly done with someone.
If I'm not interested in someone, I will usually know after one interaction. I wish brush off all attempts they make, and even sometimes disappear. In your case, it seems like you've interacted with him a few times. So my guess is that he does infact like you. But INFP can be sooo sensitive, and struggle with confidence. So if he was a heavy guy before, never had a GF, he might be trying to talk himself out of getting close to someone.. fear of intimacy/rejection/ or a general no experience thing.
The thing is, it sounds like you've really left the ball in his court. At this point, I wouldnt initiate wtih him again if you think that you very clearly let him know you like him. You don't want to appear as a level4 clinger right?
I wouldn't get too upset about his disappearance. Every confirmed INFP I've had in my life will randomly pop up asking for coffee, long after I was sure I had pissed them off and would never hear from them again.
Even if he doesn't get back to you.. don't let yourself get too upset. I think INFJ's are about the coolest cats around.. and I rarely see them stay single for long. Try coming over to the dark side, ENFP for instance. I think we also make a great match. =)
Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts
Tell him exactly how you feel. open-ness and acceptance are important when someone (him) struggles with self-image and self-worth.
Huxley is right: He's probably not done with you. He just has few skills in this area, and feels frozen and unsure. be patient. If you feel that strongly for him, it's worth getting to the bottom of it, for yourself.
Here is the thing.. I cannot tell him. He would not understand. I could be wrong but if I told you we communicate telepathically would you believe me? The words said now would sound like an off pitch song accompanied by an out of tune guitar. Hideous... these are things that are felt and communicated emotionally. When the feeling is right... then the words can come..
I remember I telling him I always look people in the eye and he replied that he never did. He asked why I look into people's eyes and I said because I can see their souls.... INFP man... I saw your soul. He thought this was very funny and wanted to know what it looks like. That he had never even seen his soul! We have a great laugh together.
i'm ENFP, but maybe some of this can be helpful anyway!
Originally Posted by Huxley3112
I would say that NFP's in general, are rarely every truly done with someone.
in general, someone has to really offend us for us to shut them out completely. like down-to-the-bone offend. i very much doubt that you have gotten anywhere near this stage with him, though he probably is feeling a bit hurt and confused after your "jerk" comment and then avoiding him, and probably is unsure as to how to proceed.
We kept talking and flirting through text after that and a week later he called asked me out again. We decided on the following Friday night. [...] That Thursday he never confirmed our date and I began to get nervous. I tend to be a planner and had been invited to two outings which I declined because I made plans with him but now I was not sure if he was going to come through. On Friday at 2PM my phone broke and I got online and told him if he wanted to go out he would have to contact me through FB... I was super anxious at that point with my intuition telling me that he was backing away but me not wanting to believe it... he replied that he had to get packed for a fishing trip (which he had told me about) and couldn't go out and that he was sorry. I said, "oh wow you are a jerk." and logged out. Half an hour later I had cooled down and wrote to him apologizing for calling him a jerk but that I wish he would have told me this sooner. I said I understood and wished him a good trip and apologized again. I never heard back from him.
maybe i'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like you guys decided on the date, then you wrote him and said that if he wants to go out he'll need to message you? i think maybe there was more going on than this... but if you messaged me something like that after i thought we'd already set a date, that would make me feel like maybe you weren't taking me seriously and would make me kind of confused about how much you really wanted to go... and then to get called a jerk after that would be a bit startling (and dates are sometimes just less "set-in-stone" to Ps than Js... even with the people i REALLY REALLY love i run late sometimes because i am just lame like that...). unless, of course, you guys had previously agreed to confirm later in the week, in which case never mind.
either way, to me, it sounds like things are a little bit warm-and-cool on both ends... like you're both a little unsure and periods of warm close personal contact are followed by fairly long gaps of cooler downtime with just texting. it's not really a close close relationship, so i don't think i would be very worried about the time gap... on the other hand, he might be a little ambivalent towards calling - kind of awkward after leaving things off like that - but he might interpret your last message as you wanting him to call, but he might be hesitating because he might not really know what to say when he calls, you know?
my thought, and i have no idea if you will like this or not, is that perhaps you could leave him a little handwritten note and maybe a flower, and just say something like how you're sorry for the misunderstanding, and would really like to keep seeing him if he still wants to see you too, but would understand if he doesn't. that should elicit some response out of him - and if it doesn't, then you also have an answer.
my other thought is that perhaps you could make another cute comment on his facebook, and see if he responds.
i agree with huxley's point that you don't want to seem clingy, but i don't think the message on your end as it stands is necessarily 100% clear that you care for him as much as you do, and i think that you certainly still have a chance with him as long as you openly communicate, as nebbykoo said, that you do want to be with him.
so i think basically make it very clear that you want him as more than a friend and then leave the ball in his court.
INFP's don't handle insults well. You might think you are teasing when you talk about him dripping food on the floor or that he is a jerk, but he probably feels it like a knife wound to the chest. I had an INFP friend for 3 years who cut off the relationship after I made one (one!) joke about him that he didn't like. Even after I explained that he misunderstood that I was joking, not serious, he basically couldn't stand me.
If this guy was looking for you, you still have a chance, but you may have to do the pursuing.
Lily, Thank you for your response. I have tried reaching out to him once more but no such luck. It's not as if he has deleted me from his FB or anything, though. I certainly hope and pray that he will open up to me again. I have never met anyone who makes me feel the way that he does. When I met him I felt happy again like I was in kindergarten. Like our moods are similar.
Here is the thing, we often tease each other, but you are right I have made it a point not to tease him personally. My classic INFJ narcississtic door slam (calling him a jerk) when he didn't conform to my shedule certainly didn't help. I have read that once INFP's encounter conflict in a new relationship/goal they often discard the situation. I can understand that because once conflict arises, you must expend energy to resolve it. And expending that energy is tiresome and traumatizing at times. I am an INFJ but very light on the I. I am a very happy go lucky and cheerful person who loves being around others. On some tests I score as an ENFJ. So I do not fit the mold of your typical INFJ.
I am willing to give it time, yet I won't smother him in typical ENFJ fashion. I will wait for the right moment... Above all, I care for him a great deal and feel a lot of Love for him (not in love but Loved him the first time I saw him).
I miss him.
Skylights... thank you for your response as well. I do have hope that in the future we can come together again as friends. I hope that time can help us both to grow more so we can become better friends. I felt that we shared a mutual intimacy when we were together. Lightly touching, bumping each other. Being goofy... just being ourselves without having to impress each other. I will hope against hope that we can be friends again. I would be happy just to have a rare gem of a guy like him be my friend.