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  1. #81
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Eyebrows View Post
    This sounds pretty terrible. How could she expect that to not be perceived as a guilt trip!?

    If it really is about you rather than her, she should make it sound like it's about you rather than her. It sounds like the main point she's trying to make with her language, either consciously or not, is that she can't sleep (oh by the way, yeah your situation had something to do with it too).

    Or maybe that's how you're perceiving it and relaying it. Dunno. All I know is that, as you've said it here, it does sound fishy and selfish of her.
    Yeah, part of it is definitely my perception and part of it is her language. But the major point is that we are looking for different things under duress. ENFPs look for reassurance and comfort and ENTPs tend to look for solutions and advice. So our misunderstandings happened because she gave me what she would have wanted - sympathy and understanding. Whereas, when she had problems, I would rush to solve them - which is the kind of thing I would want. That made her feel like I was a cold robot, when really, all I wanted to do was make all her problems go away.

    With friends like that, I suppose I'd end up telling them about my problem after I've solved it. That way, they don't have to worry about me, and I get to talk.

    That defeats half the purpose of talking to them anyway, but maybe it's better than not sharing anything with them..
    I guess you're right. But if I wait until it's solved, then it's already forgotten about.

    I rarely turn to her with problems but when I do, she tends to send me emails now that start off with a lot of sympathetic language and end up with options for me to try. I get those emails and skip over the first 2 paragraphs and read only what is applicable to me and what I need to do.

    When she has problems and I send her emails, I start off with solution and problem solving and then end with a few lines about how brave or strong she is, and how she's not alone and blah blah blah. All that stuff is the truth, but if she needs to hear it, then I try to give it to her even though it feels unnatural to do so.

  2. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    Yeah, part of it is definitely my perception and part of it is her language. But the major point is that we are looking for different things under duress. ENFPs look for reassurance and comfort and ENTPs tend to look for solutions and advice. So our misunderstandings happened because she gave me what she would have wanted - sympathy and understanding. Whereas, when she had problems, I would rush to solve them - which is the kind of thing I would want. That made her feel like I was a cold robot, when really, all I wanted to do was make all her problems go away.
    ...
    When she has problems and I send her emails, I start off with solution and problem solving and then end with a few lines about how brave or strong she is, and how she's not alone and blah blah blah. All that stuff is the truth, but if she needs to hear it, then I try to give it to her even though it feels unnatural to do so.
    Hey, at least you understand her underlying messages and you know how to communicate with her. It's always hard to not read or to say things without our own biases affecting it, so good on you for being able to do that with her

    It's just.. yeah, I totally would've read that the same way that you did.

    But I suppose, deep down, it's as you say--you'd want solutions, and she'd want someone to have been 'bothered' by her problems out of a sense of empathy.

    Hmm.

  3. #83

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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    When she has problems and I send her emails, I start off with solution and problem solving and then end with a few lines about how brave or strong she is, and how she's not alone and blah blah blah. All that stuff is the truth, but if she needs to hear it, then I try to give it to her even though it feels unnatural to do so.
    I don't know about all ENFPs, but I actually prefer a rational discussion of the problem and the problem solving to the heart felt emo parts (unless its about love or something ). I can get a shock when ENTPs don't dress it up, but once I get over that I like the honesty. Only conflict I get is if the other person seems too directive about a personal choice. I'll take all the advice in the world, and love the feedback, but then I make up my mind and do whatever I think's best. There isn't really much loyalty in it, that makes some advice givers feel underselled when I dismiss what they thought was the best option.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  4. #84
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    Yeah, part of it is definitely my perception and part of it is her language. But the major point is that we are looking for different things under duress. ENFPs look for reassurance and comfort and ENTPs tend to look for solutions and advice. So our misunderstandings happened because she gave me what she would have wanted - sympathy and understanding. Whereas, when she had problems, I would rush to solve them - which is the kind of thing I would want. That made her feel like I was a cold robot, when really, all I wanted to do was make all her problems go away.
    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    I don't know about all ENFPs, but I actually prefer a rational discussion of the problem and the problem solving to the heart felt emo parts (unless its about love or something ). I can get a shock when ENTPs don't dress it up, but once I get over that I like the honesty. Only conflict I get is if the other person seems too directive about a personal choice. I'll take all the advice in the world, and love the feedback, but then I make up my mind and do whatever I think's best. There isn't really much loyalty in it, that makes some advice givers feel underselled when I dismiss what they thought was the best option.
    Yes, I'm with noigmn. I neeeeeed help with solutions. Sympathy is nice, but usually it's not what I want need in a problem situation. I sometimes start to get frustrated when all people offer me is sympathy (i.e. my two closest friends right now are INFP and ENFJ, and they don't really give advice). So I have to advise myself a lot of the time...

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