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  1. #1
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Default Introverts, how often to accomodate your extroverted friends?

    Disclaimer: I know Extroverts have to accomodate for introversion and the door swings both ways, etc. Anyways..

    Introverts, how often do you accomodate for your extroverted friends? When do you say, "Okay, yes, I'll do this even though it's not my cup of tea.." and when do you say, "No. I'm done."

    My ISTJ friend has no problem [read: after some convincing and running out of excuses] giving things a try. My Best friend though, INFP, will straight up say No. "C'mon, we can go to the beach!" No. I call her, no answer, no follow up call.

    Disclaimer: I know there are relationships where the extrovert bugs WAY too much. I understand that. Don't post complaining about that. Anyways..

    This is new grounds for me.. we're suppose to be best friends, but I'm starting to think she wants to hang with me every so often and that's it. She calls me when SHE wants to talk to me, but I can't ever get a hold of her when I have things I want to say. I've even caught her, a couple times, avoiding me at the door step when I knock. (Note: I didn't call her out on this.. but it made me feel like I was being a total creep somehow because of it.) I've gotten angry at her only 2 times in my life. Once over something dumb in high school, and I cried afterwards for yelling and apologized immediately. The other last year or so, when she was avoiding me way too much for comfort. I just wanted her to be honest with me, and she assured me it was definitely her and not me.

    I do a lot of accomodating of her extremely introverted way, even when I see her FB post about hanging out with other friends. But.. I keep thinking, she doesn't ever really accomodate my extroverted ways at all.

    So when do I cross the line and say something? When do I start to think she's not my best friend anymore? She knows everything about me.. but at the same time.. =( Im starting to feel like we're best friends out of time default.. instead of feeling that way because we're so close and connected.
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  2. #2
    That chalkboard guy Matthew_Z's Avatar
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    I lost all of my extroverted friends by not wanting to go out or anything, although I'm slowly gaining them back now.
    If a deaf INFP falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

  3. #3
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Could you elaborate on how you're getting them back? Did you want them back, or did they decide to just put up with you the way you are? Did you find the imbalance unfair somehow, or felt offended that they would become friends with you for who you are and then try to make you do things that weren't 'you'? Details plz.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

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  4. #4
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    I'll go almost anywhere.. I'm just not going to behave the same as extroverts. I'm always down for going to the beach or lake, but I might float off in the water, regardless if there's a big group thing going on.. or I'll kick back on the boat and listen to people bullshit. I'm not a shut-in, I go places, but I'm not involved or invested in people in the same way. Often I need to gtfo myself and offer to get everyone to go out to a restaurant or a movie or something...But I don't constantly engage and participate in the conversation at the table.

  5. #5
    Reptilian Snuggletron's Avatar
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    kyuuei, she probably doesn't mean any ill will towards you, although the status updates referring to her other friends might seem so. I will admit, however, that I generally only want to really hang out with like one or two friends in a given point in my life (exceptions being that other friends join us to congregate around an activity I like doing). Ones with similar interests that I know the time spent will be worth it for. Otherwise I'll avoid others or make excuses not to hang out if they only want to do something I wouldn't enjoy. Kind of dick-ish but whatever, just keeping it real.

    Quote Originally Posted by KDude View Post
    I'll go almost anywhere.. I'm just not going to behave the same as extroverts. I'm always down for going to the beach or lake, but I might float off in the water, regardless if there's a big group thing going on.. or I'll kick back on the boat and listen to people bullshit. I'm not a shut-in, I go places, but I'm not involved or invested in people in the same way. Often I need to gtfo myself and offer to get everyone to go out to a restaurant or a movie or something...But I don't constantly engage and participate in the conversation at the table.
    Your input sounds like an aux-Se thing. The only real shut in introverts I know seem to be IN's. Makes sense (I shut in too, feels good man). ISFP/ISTPs seem to like to be out and about even if they're not directly involved with what is going on.

  6. #6
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    yeah, i started thinking about that. i wouldn't know how to give advice about an IN. just give them good vibes i guess, maybe they'll come out

    hell, i might be one of the only Se's i know too. even in those situations at the lake or something, our boat might pass up some dudes jumping off a 30 ft cliff, and i'm like "stop the boat.." gotta do it myself. and everyone's worried and doesn't want to go with me that's when i feel like an extrovert.

  7. #7
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    Nobody asks anymore..
    And new people in my life will eventually stop asking as well.

    Of course if they offered something beside.. "let's get drunk"..
    I might be more accommodating.

    Ask me to go camping or canoeing.. Or bike riding , fishing.. anything but drinking and I might be game..

  8. #8
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    I don't calculate how often I need to "accommodate" my friends - if I feel like hanging out I do, if I don't, I don't. This is probably why I only have a few (2 really) real friends now and many acquaintances - I don't have enough social energy for more than that. And of those 2 friends, one I live with so I don't have to arrange to hang out, and the other I see maybe every few months, though we're still close.

    I think it's important to keep enough time for yourself, especially when you're busy with work and other obligations. From what you've said here, your friend sounds entirely reasonable to me, though it's sad that you aren't feeling as close. Perhaps you could try talking via email, so she can respond at her own pace? Or, arrange (with her) in advance a weekend or day trip somewhere fun.

    I don't really like "going out" and I will usually say No immediately if I don't feel social, especially if I'm tired or cranky. Sometimes I'll let myself be persuaded, which half the time I regret later. It tends to help if it's arranged far in advance, so I can mentally prepare for it and also so I can't back out. It's always easier to agree to something "next week" than "right now!"

    ...and I don't blame her at all for not answering the door if you weren't invited (read the thread here on that if you want some insight - the overwhelming consensus was that uninvited guests are dreaded for most introverts).
    -end of thread-

  9. #9
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Call me old fashioned, but when did you have to arrange an appointment to drop by someone's house? It's not like I do it all the time.. but every so often, I say, "Oh. This is hers, she forgot it. I'll drop it off." Or, how about when I got ignored because, "Hey she loves these! I'll buy them and drop them off on my way home!" It's not like I could get a hold of her via the telephone anyways to call ahead of time.

    I understand dropping by and Sticking around. but usually, I drop by, do what I needed to do, and leave. If I wanna hang out, it's usually somewhere else aside a house hold (going out to dinner is my favorite activity with her where we can try new food and catch up.) but I don't think it's such a horrendous thing to knock on someone's door. Why bother having one at all? Put a gate up if you don't like people knocking on your door. It's what people do. Is it really such a burden on introverts for someone to knock and say, "Hey! Can I borrow this game/movie?"
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

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  10. #10
    veteran attention whore Jeffster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    Of course if they offered something beside.. "let's get drunk"..
    I might be more accommodating.

    Ask me to go camping or canoeing.. Or bike riding , fishing.. anything but drinking and I might be game..
    I totally agree. If I wanted to go to bars or clubs or parties that are set up just for drinking, I would probably have lots more friends. But instead I'd say I really have only one main extroverted friend** and I'm the one who tries to get HIM to go out but he's too whipped and doesn't want his wife to moan about him going out without her. So if she's not interested in going, then we don't.

    ** Not counting you, kyuuei, but you're a little farther away.

    So, anyway, I would be happy to "accommodate" extroverted friends if I had them, but I really don't.
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