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  1. #1
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    Default Do any of you INTPs behave like ISFPs when you are under stress?

    Especially in connection to (romantic) relationships?

  2. #2
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    It'd be better if you could explain what behaviors you're associating with ISFPs in relationships.

    And is this in connection to stress within the relationship or outside of it?



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    Mh, maybe I'm mixing up some conceptions about ISFPs with INTPs....I am not sure...
    What I mean is the tendency of my INTP (supposed) boyfriend to draw back into his shell during conflict. I mean the tendency to NOT argue (which is not typical for him otherwise, he knows how to defend himself otherwise)....., NOT defend himself but just fall dead silent. I don't even know if this is really typical of ISFPs...... and the not being able to express yourself during conflict, because of some internal thinking process going on.... not finding the right words to defend oneself, and not saying anything until the right words are found or you are being pressured.... I know I wrote something like this in another thread already. I'm sorry.

  4. #4
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Well if it's within the relationship, it can start to seem like I'm emotionally checking out of the relationship. If the conflict has to do with emotions, and specifically yours, it could be likely he's not responding simply because he doesn't know how. If it has to do with his, he may not be able to articulate them very well, so he doesn't if he thinks he might be misunderstood.

    If my SO explains her feelings to me the only thing I can think of to say is "I'm sorry you feel that way?" in a robotic voice, which makes the whole thing worse [I've tried].

    :ouch:



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    Basically, if introverted flexy people don't like conflict, they can find it easy to just clam out and pull back into their shells. I've found ISFPs to not really like conflict at all... it unsettles them... and INTPs tend to go one of two ways -- either getting snarky/intellectually critical about it (as a defense mechanism) or just pulling back as well.

    As far as what is going on inside?
    - Might not understand why you're mad.
    - Might feel you are attacking unfairly, the situation seems far more complex.
    - Might not have yet worked through all his feelings and thoughts and doesn't want to commit them.
    - Feels overwhelmed and needs to maintain freedom... this is best done via silence, if the outside world won't retreat.
    - Might have a LOT of things he COULD say... but they would be very damaging to the relationship, so instead of cutting you down he is abstaining.

    just lots of reasons here, I think. I know it is frustrating to be on the outside and wonder "Why doesn't s/he TALK?" For me, it took me a long time to realize I could be safe enough in a relationship to let the work happen externally, as part of communication, than doing it all inside first and then only showing the safe parts.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Basically, if introverted flexy people don't like conflict, they can find it easy to just clam out and pull back into their shells. I've found ISFPs to not really like conflict at all... it unsettles them... and INTPs tend to go one of two ways -- either getting snarky/intellectually critical about it (as a defense mechanism) or just pulling back as well.

    As far as what is going on inside?
    - Might not understand why you're mad.
    - Might feel you are attacking unfairly, the situation seems far more complex.
    - Might not have yet worked through all his feelings and thoughts and doesn't want to commit them.
    - Feels overwhelmed and needs to maintain freedom... this is best done via silence, if the outside world won't retreat.
    - Might have a LOT of things he COULD say... but they would be very damaging to the relationship, so instead of cutting you down he is abstaining.

    just lots of reasons here, I think. I know it is frustrating to be on the outside and wonder "Why doesn't s/he TALK?" For me, it took me a long time to realize I could be safe enough in a relationship to let the work happen externally, as part of communication, than doing it all inside first and then only showing the safe parts.
    Thanks, it really helps a lot to know that..... I think the reason's you gave hit the nail on the head (if there is a saying like this)...... mh.....he always says he has a LOT going on inside that he doesn't say.... and he says he gets into some kind of meta-thinking (--> e.g.: what does she think when I say this? should I say this? what will happen when I say this? Oh I should be saying something, she gets more angry....etc).... I don't really know how to make him feel more secure :/...been together for quite a while (4 years), and he immediately retreats during conflict...makes me angry, and this quickly turns into a vicious circle....mh.......can't exclude the ISFP-behaviour completely, because I think he doesn't like conflict at all. and gets quiet always, never intellectually critical so much I think..... rather into this internal thinking mode......aah...don't know...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    ... he says he gets into some kind of meta-thinking (--> e.g.: what does she think when I say this? should I say this? what will happen when I say this? Oh I should be saying something, she gets more angry....etc)....
    yes, totally. INTPs (and maybe some other types) seem to meta instinctively and in fact have trouble NOT meta-ing.

    So while someone else asks me a simple question, I immediately step outside the situation and look at it from all different angles, trying to understand what is going on and how we ended up at this point; what the possibilities are; and where the mental flowchart says things will go next. If you can imagine how complicated this quickly gets, especially if you are a big-picture thinker and are pulling in past information, conversations, discussions, to inform you on what is happening now so you can figure out the best thing to do or say....? It becomes very complex very quickly, and confusing -- so silence is very likely.

    I don't really know how to make him feel more secure :/...been together for quite a while (4 years), and he immediately retreats during conflict...makes me angry, and this quickly turns into a vicious circle....mh.......can't exclude the ISFP-behaviour completely, because I think he doesn't like conflict at all. and gets quiet always, never intellectually critical so much I think..... rather into this internal thinking mode......aah...don't know...
    Do you pursue him aggressively when he retreats at this point?
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    I don't get stressed much at all, and when I do I don't stay stressed for very long. I've been known to be evasive when stressed, but only if I also think I can tolerate being evasive without any bad consequences. When I've got something important to do and it stresses me out I just bite through it.

    At the end of everyday I am without stress though.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    yes, totally. INTPs (and maybe some other types) seem to meta instinctively and in fact have trouble NOT meta-ing.

    So while someone else asks me a simple question, I immediately step outside the situation and look at it from all different angles, trying to understand what is going on and how we ended up at this point; what the possibilities are; and where the mental flowchart says things will go next. If you can imagine how complicated this quickly gets, especially if you are a big-picture thinker and are pulling in past information, conversations, discussions, to inform you on what is happening now so you can figure out the best thing to do or say....? It becomes very complex very quickly, and confusing -- so silence is very likely.



    Do you pursue him aggressively when he retreats at this point?
    I really see him thinking :confused:.... but find it so frustrating that he doesn't share what he is thinking....I guess it is really this confusion of too much going on inside, too many sides being looked at.... I usually adore this....but.... I feel really bad if I have the feeling of being ignored, which is what I often feel when he falls silent.......yes, I rather pursue him aggressively, because I get angrier when he doesn't say something....and I know I shouldn't, because that makes everything a LOT WORSE. I know the best would be to talk when I am calm, and to address the issue in a calm manner, I guess.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    I really see him thinking :confused:.... but find it so frustrating that he doesn't share what he is thinking....I guess it is really this confusion of too much going on inside, too many sides being looked at....
    Think of it as a huge web, because his thoughts are not linear at this point, they are radial -- moving out in all directions like a spiderweb, with some points connected in multiple places and others not.

    Now, how would you begin to articulate that web? Where would you start? Which path would you choose to pass through it, in order to make sense? Words are linear, like music -- you say one word or sing one note at a time, and time is a dimension, you move from beginning to end -- but what he sees in his head is likely a big visual web and just trying to work through it linearly will not convey it properly, he can only describe a bit of it at once.

    And he probably wants to be careful and credit everything correctly. It's very hard if one is also upset or emotionally not at rest at the time, or feels like a mistake/inaccuracy in describing what is going on will hurt or anger someone else.

    yes, I rather pursue him aggressively, because I get angrier when he doesn't say something....and I know I shouldn't, because that makes everything a LOT WORSE. I know the best would be to talk when I am calm, and to address the issue in a calm manner, I guess.....
    it is really a sort of "power lock" -- where one pursues harder and harder and the other retreats more and more, and if you ever get him in a corner, it will probably become ugly.

    Have you ever thought of specifically saying that you are willing to give him some time to think, but agree on a time together to reconvene? This might give him some space. The issue more is here his willingness to agree to discuss it, but you can make it clear that not talking about it doesn't work for you and will make it hard to maintain the relationship; it's just that, because you love him, you are willing to give him some space to think first, then meet at an agreed-upon time. Give him your expectations or basic thoughts up front, so he has time to think about them and process before being forced to share his own thoughts.

    (Because of his retreating nature, he needs to have ownership of this decision rather than having it imposed on him, though.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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