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  1. #1

    Default Personality Type that holds a grudge? and those who don´t.

    Which types are prone to be full of resentment? List 3.
    and the least prone? List 3.
    Last edited by curiousel; 01-05-2010 at 06:54 AM. Reason: correction

  2. #2
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    I read a number of articles on forgiveness, one of them being a study about happiness in relationships. I posted alot of it here and will try to find it later.

    In general, introverts take longer to forgive than extroverts.
    The justification in that statement is thatextroverts live through experiences, they happen in real time, whereas introverts are more prone to "remembering every frame of the experience as it unfolded in great detail." Take the example of a car wreck, and extrovert will want to go out and drive later that day, while an introvert will hold onto the experience a little more vividly and thus be less inclined to get behind the wheel until they process the car wreck.

    Now, substitute a hurtful experience for the car wreck. When people hurt you, it is possible to hold a grude against them, right? That is if you don't forgive them. Extroverts will be prone to wanting to bound off and have more experiences, and thus more prone to want to forgive so as to clean the slate and mover on, while introverts will hold onto the grudge a bit more.

    If I am not mistaken, INFJ holds onto grudges longest, and is hard to offer forgiveness once hurt. I'm not sure of the other introvert rankings.

    ESTP, ESTJ, and ENTP were the quickest to forgive someone.

    INFJs also were those that ranked as having the lowest sense of overall marital satisfaction. Maybe that's because they are holding onto too much of the bad experiences from yesteryear? I don't know. These are just stats from a study I read...

    -Halla
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    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

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  3. #3
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    I just want to quickly answer the INFJ holding a grudge idea. I realize that I'm only one person, and I'm not attempting to speak for more than myself. I was talking about this with someone a couple of months ago, and I can honestly say I do not hold grudges. I don't forget what happened (ever) but if I make the decision to forgive, it is an absolute. Once you forgive someone, it's beyond rude to bring up their wrongs over and over again.

    However, to answer the OP, I would think it may be more difficult to let go of a hurtful event if the persons Si were strong.
    Last edited by Lux; 01-05-2010 at 07:39 AM. Reason: Commas are my friends.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

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    thank you halla74, do you know where I can find that study? who published?

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    Senior Member GirlFromMars's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna View Post
    I just want to quickly answer the INFJ holding a grudge idea. I realize that I'm only one person, and I'm not attempting to speak for more than myself. I was talking about this with someone a couple of months ago, and I can honestly say I do not hold grudges. I don't forget what happened (ever) but if I make the decision to forgive, it is an absolute. Once you forgive someone, it's beyond rude to bring up their wrongs over and over again.

    However, to answer the OP, I would think it may be more difficult to let go of a hurtful event if the persons Si were strong.
    My INFJ mum doesn't hold grudges either. Infact, she's too much the other way most of the time.
    INFP~ 4w5 ~ sx/sp ~ IEI ~ Libra

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    I hold grudges sometimes.

    I can also dislike someone so much that I never want to be their "friend" in any sense. A person that I used to date is in this category. I am friendly to him whenever I bump into him on campus, I say hello to him, but I would never be his friend again. If he happened to try and start a conversation with me, for one, I would just ask him to leave. I feel that I have forgiven him but don't want to have anything to do with him. Can anyone relate to this?

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    Senior Member Lightyear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna View Post
    I just want to quickly answer the INFJ holding a grudge idea. I realize that I'm only one person, and I'm not attempting to speak for more than myself. I was talking about this with someone a couple of months ago, and I can honestly say I do not hold grudges. I don't forget what happened (ever) but if I make the decision to forgive, it is an absolute. Once you forgive someone, it's beyond rude to bring up their wrongs over and over again.

    However, to answer the OP, I would think it may be more difficult to let go of a hurtful event if the persons Si were strong.
    Same here. I am almost not enough of a grudge holder. If someone hurts me I will first try to justify it by putting myself in their shoes (maybe they had a bad day, should I have said things differently etc), if that doesn't work and I start developing a grudge that feeling can be completely neutralized as soon as I see any sort of goodwill from the other person, for example if they say they are sorry, they make an effort to strengthen our friendship again, I realize I have judged the situation wrongly etc.

    And if someone completely crosses the line they just get the "INFJ-doorslam" (which almost never happens), they have reached the point where I have come to the logical conclusion that I don't want them in my life anymore, but that doesn't mean that I have loads of angry thoughts about them or anything like this, at this point we are far beyond emotions, I have just made a rational choice to remove this person from my life.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaveri View Post
    I hold grudges sometimes.

    I can also dislike someone so much that I never want to be their "friend" in any sense. A person that I used to date is in this category. I am friendly to him whenever I bump into him on campus, I say hello to him, but I would never be his friend again. If he happened to try and start a conversation with me, for one, I would just ask him to leave. I feel that I have forgiven him but don't want to have anything to do with him. Can anyone relate to this?
    I get you; trample, really trample, on my Fi and this is where you'll find yourself. I'll be civil, even friendly, with you and I won't actively hold a grudge, but I'd just rather not be in your company again. I associate said person with a 'bad feeling'.

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    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenna View Post
    I just want to quickly answer the INFJ holding a grudge idea. I realize that I'm only one person, and I'm not attempting to speak for more than myself. I was talking about this with someone a couple of months ago, and I can honestly say I do not hold grudges. I don't forget what happened (ever) but if I make the decision to forgive, it is an absolute. Once you forgive someone, it's beyond rude to bring up their wrongs over and over again.
    An interesting distinction here:

    Are we counting "holding a grudge" as "acting on the bad feelings" (which might be the more practical definition) or as having enduring bad feelings in the first place?

    Maybe they are two separate things. What I find interesting is that some types seem prone to actually not FEELING bad about the incident after a certain length of time while others still do.

    For example, Si people are very apt to do what is appropriate in a situation, so if they have been taught to forgive and it is part of their value set, they will do their darndest to forgive.

    But inside, from talking to my Si-oriented friends, it still eats and eats at them. They can wrestle for years over something. And in fact, I've seen it happen with IxxJ's as a group, regardless of S/N or T/F. My INTJ boss is sort of funny in that he takes stupidity or carelessness on the job as a personal affront in how he responds and can hold anger against people he sees as "enemies" to his work for years. To those who he does not view as enemies, he is considerate and gracious.

    One of the worst grudge holders I've known has been my ESTP dad, oddly enough. He holds grudges for years; and if a friend or relative told him something he did not want to hear, he would stop speaking to or seeing them for long periods of time. (He has a brother he has not talked to or seen for at least a decade now, although the brother is open to it, based on things stemming from their early adulthood.)

    On the other hand, my ESFP kid gets REALLY angry sometimes in the moment and does very hurtful things but after the event is over and done with, he totally is fine and doesn't seem to hold a grudge at all. He lives in the moment.

    I don't know how P's in general feel or IxxP's, but I find I can't hold a grudge even when I really really want to and/or someone's hurt me badly. It just isn't in me; everything gets processed rationally in the end and whatever the conclusion is is what I have to follow in order to have peace. So it gets taken out of the realm of the personal into the realm of the impersonal. My energy gets pointed in other directions than holding grudges.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #10
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    An interesting distinction here:

    Are we counting "holding a grudge" as "acting on the bad feelings" (which might be the more practical definition) or as having enduring bad feelings in the first place?
    Yes, I think acting on it is a good solid definition. If you act differently toward the person because of said wrong(s) while telling them they've been forgiven. I'm hesitant to include trust/lack of trust in the acting different camp, because you can actively be not holding a grudge against someone, but self preservation may make you unable to trust them until they "earn" it back.

    Maybe they are two separate things. What I find interesting is that some types seem prone to actually not FEELING bad about the incident after a certain length of time while others still do.
    This interests me as well.

    One of the worst grudge holders I've known has been my ESTP dad, oddly enough. He holds grudges for years; and if a friend or relative told him something he did not want to hear, he would stop speaking to or seeing them for long periods of time. (He has a brother he has not talked to or seen for at least a decade now, although the brother is open to it, based on things stemming from their early adulthood.)
    I think it would be hard to be like that. No offense.

    I don't know how P's in general feel or IxxP's, but I find I can't hold a grudge even when I really really want to and/or someone's hurt me badly. It just isn't in me; everything gets processed rationally in the end and whatever the conclusion is is what I have to follow in order to have peace. So it gets taken out of the realm of the personal into the realm of the impersonal. My energy gets pointed in other directions than holding grudges.
    I'm similar to that. With myself it goes: Feeling bad, finding reason it feels bad, asses who was wrong, decide if it even matters who was wrong, forgive/end. Stay reasonably happy .
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

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