Personality Type that holds a grudge? and those who don´t.

[Saslou]

I am not sure which particular types hold grudges against others .. If i dare to speculate (Oh Nooooooo) .. I would think unhealthy people.

Personally, i don't hold grudges .. Life is far to short and i am far to busy having fun. Piss me off enough and i'll just vacate you from my life. Simple as.

 

[ColonelGadaafi]

My ESFP kid always boggled my mind, though. I could not understand how he could get SO angry with someone, then the next minute be totally fine again.

I guess when someone pisses off an ESFP we have such a low impulse control on our emotions that we externalize all the bottled up negativity in a short-term burst which engulfs the hated figure or object in a hail of hate and wrath. But i really see it as a therupetic, Once all the negative built emotions have been released there is a return to equilibrium, and a will to reconiliate with the person/thing.

our feeling's are usually incontrollable reactions of our aspect(this goes double for passionate ESFP's), as a result we rarely conciously internalize negative event's in our mind unless there is an long-term exposure which serves to remind us and return those negative feeling's. And it's a good thing that we have such a momentery conception of all of this, ESFP's could be inspired to do the most ridiculesly inappropriate things in order to satisfy the beast of rage. You should be glad you're boy does not have any anger problems.

 

[King sns]

I guess when someone pisses off an ESFP we have such a low impulse control on our emotions that we externalize all the bottled up negativity in a short-term burst which engulfs the hated figure or object in a hail of hate and wrath. But i really see it as a therupetic, Once all the negative built emotions have been released there is a return to equilibrium, and a will to reconiliate with the person/thing.

our feeling's are usually incontrollable reactions of our aspect(this goes double for passionate ESFP's), as a result we rarely conciously internalize negative event's in our mind unless there is an long-term exposure which serves to remind us and return those negative feeling's. And it's a good thing that we have such a momentery conception of all of this, ESFP's could be inspired to do the most ridiculesly inappropriate things in order to satisfy the beast of rage. You should be glad you're boy does not have any anger problems.

Well said!! I can relate. I don't go into fits of rage, but when i'm angry, you will sure as hell know it. I have this temper flare problem. But then stereotypically SP I will turn around about an hour later, apologize and try to make amends. I can't hold a grudge for longer than 2 seconds!

 

[incubustribute]

In general, introverts take longer to forgive than extroverts.
The justification in that statement is thatextroverts live through experiences, they happen in real time, whereas introverts are more prone to "remembering every frame of the experience as it unfolded in great detail." Take the example of a car wreck, and extrovert will want to go out and drive later that day, while an introvert will hold onto the experience a little more vividly and thus be less inclined to get behind the wheel until they process the car wreck.

Is this something you heard somewhere, or did you come up with this? I'm really just curious, because to be honest, I don't buy it. Both introverts and extroverts will certainly be in a bit of shock and replay the experiences in their heads in some way. Besides, "remembering every frame of the experience as it unfolded in great detail" sounds specifically Si. Ni wouldn't necessarily do that. An ESxJ will do that because Si will kick in in some form. It may not be as bad as an ISxJ though.

Now, substitute a hurtful experience for the car wreck. When people hurt you, it is possible to hold a grude against them, right? That is if you don't forgive them. Extroverts will be prone to wanting to bound off and have more experiences, and thus more prone to want to forgive so as to clean the slate and mover on, while introverts will hold onto the grudge a bit more.

I think perhaps Te is the most likely to hold onto grudges. That said, xxTJ's are going to be the most likely - this is from my personal experience. Te users tend to use their Te to try to control and coerce people, and the more principled ones will be very offended if the person doesn't buy into their value system. I think it's a fair guess that ENTJ's won't be as bad, simply because Ni typically needs different perspectives to consider and different viewpoints to look at things from. Si is the most likely of the perceptive functions to hold a grudge I think, just because it has a tendency to stick to what it knows. So I say the most likely types to hold grudges are ISTJ and ESTJ.

ESTP, ESTJ, and ENTP were the quickest to forgive someone.

Again, I doubt this, but it sounds like you're referencing some kind of poll or something; if so, I'd be curious to know what it was.

These are just stats from a study I read...

hahaha, just got to that. Can you link me or tell me which one it was?

 

[human101]

Is this something you heard somewhere, or did you come up with this? I'm really just curious, because to be honest, I don't buy it. Both introverts and extroverts will certainly be in a bit of shock and replay the experiences in their heads in some way. Besides, "remembering every frame of the experience as it unfolded in great detail" sounds specifically Si. Ni wouldn't necessarily do that. An ESxJ will do that because Si will kick in in some form. It may not be as bad as an ISxJ though.



I think perhaps Te is the most likely to hold onto grudges. That said, xxTJ's are going to be the most likely - this is from my personal experience. Te users tend to use their Te to try to control and coerce people, and the more principled ones will be very offended if the person doesn't buy into their value system. I think it's a fair guess that ENTJ's won't be as bad, simply because Ni typically needs different perspectives to consider and different viewpoints to look at things from. Si is the most likely of the perceptive functions to hold a grudge I think, just because it has a tendency to stick to what it knows. So I say the most likely types to hold grudges are ISTJ and ESTJ.



Again, I doubt this, but it sounds like you're referencing some kind of poll or something; if so, I'd be curious to know what it was.



hahaha, just got to that. Can you link me or tell me which one it was?

lol my dad is an istj he has a brother he hasnt spoken to in 15 years even though they live in the same city and see each other at family gatherings christmas etc

 

[d4mselfly]

I don't hold grudges because I'm skeptical and don't really hold others up to the same standards as myself, and so I can't really be disappointed. It'll set up a low standard for them, though, and I'll be very irritated for a short while following, but it can generally be made up with some work for unless they've done something really heinous. If I can understand why they did what they did, I'm probably not going to hold it against them even if it isn't rational or I don't agree with it. If I can't... I might hold a grudge very briefly, but more because I'd just be frustrated. Maybe for an hour, then I'll just dismiss it as them simply being unreasonable.

 

[FDG]

IJ are the most grudge-holding, then ExTx

 

[SilkRoad]

I mean to reply to this thread ages ago. Hope others will still be interested in its resurrection.

Holding grudges is definitely a problem for me. Not because it happens often – I usually keep my friends (or at worst we drift apart in a fairly amicable way). On the rare occasions when I’ve ended up holding a grudge, though, it has tended to be very bitter, interfering with my peace of mind, and long-lasting. Like, years.

There are a few factors that seem to contributing to me holding a grudge:

1) There has been a pattern of inconsiderate/bad behaviour from the person (before whatever the straw is that breaks the camel’s back), over a fairly extended period of time, and I have been letting a lot of stuff go without confronting the person.

2) It’s someone who I’m vulnerable to emotionally, like they’ve dumped me or have ignored or rejected my advances (or my non-advances, haha).

3) It’s a case where I feel that I have made a much greater investment emotionally/time-wise etc than they have, and I have not received much reciprocation.

4) The person hurt me badly and didn’t apologise. Or there was some sort of apology but I feel I have reason to doubt its sincerity.

5) Perhaps most importantly – some or all of the above has occurred and I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO TALK IT OUT WITH THEM. I think that is the worst thing of all. I can think of one or two occasions where I’ve received some sort of apology but still ended up holding a grudge because I was seriously hurt about stuff and for one reason or another (because of circumstances, because the other person refused to) I couldn’t talk it out with them.

It’s certainly true that some of this is my bad. I think I am slowly, slowly learning that making yourself a martyr to someone else (see points 2 and 3) is just going to end up making you resent them. And sometimes other people don’t know that I need to talk things out. Though there are other cases where they do know that, and they refuse to talk about it anyway…

Forgiveness is important for me for many reasons – as a Christian, in terms of having good relationships with others, for your own peace of mind, etc etc. So this is something I am working on resolving in my life, but it’s hard.

 

[illume]

In my experience the types with a memory like an elephant for perceived wrongs are:

ESTJ
ISFJ
ESFJ
ISTJ

In the order listed above.

The ESTJ's seem to be the quickest to rush to a negative judgement and the last to let go of one.

 

[SilkRoad]

The fact is...if you're in the position that you're the target of a grudge of mine...you will probably just never ever hear from me and I will avoid having you in my life to the best of my ability, but whenever I hear about anything good happening in your life, I'll resent it and feel pissed off that you hurt me and then went off on your merry way to enjoy your life. Like I said, it has only happened a tiny handful of times in my life, but it's that bad.

EDIT:

In my experience the types with a memory like an elephant for perceived wrongs are:

ESTJ
ISFJ
ESFJ
ISTJ

In the order listed above.

The ESTJ's seem to be the quickest to rush to a negative judgement and the last to let go of one.

Not sure about the others, but yeah, would have to agree about ESFJ. I have an ESFJ friend who has grudges against sooo many people that frankly I wonder sometimes how I've managed to stay in her good books. It often seems to be over little things, and the other person has found her too abrasive and stayed away and the ESFJ is still mad about them about whatever it was, years later.

I have a good ISFJ friend who avoids a small number of people she's fallen out with and is unlikely to ever make overtures to them, but I think she had good reason for it, and her attitude doesn't seem "grudgy." Even though it has happened to me so seldom, I'd say I'd be much more likely to maintain a "grudgy" attitude.

 

[JustHer]

IME, INFPs are the ones least likely to forgive someone when hurt.

 

[Aphex]

I'm an INFJ, and I never hold grudges. Ever. I find it ridiculous that you (or whoever wrote the study) would say that we do...

My (suspected) ISTP brother, however, is a heavy grudge holder. Hm.

 

[Shaunward]

It's hard to say, because it depends on what you mean by grudge.

Say I get into a heated argument with a family member - I typically forgive them fairly soon and leave the past behind me. We have an unconditional sort of love - I know this, I see that we'll be well again in the future (and probably argue again even) and knowing this, decide it's much better to minimize the time being bitter. Then I'm good again.

At the same time, if somebody I don't hold particular loyalty to pisses me off, I kind of simply end things with them and quickly forget they exist. Same with romantic relationships - I keep the past firmly behind me.

So I either forget and get along (I make a note to apologise but not forgive) or I simply forget. Terrible as it may be, I will sometimes pretend I have a grudge if it's a potential bargaining chip in the future.

 

[mwv6r]

I'm an INFJ, and I never hold grudges. Ever. I find it ridiculous that you (or whoever wrote the study) would say that we do...

My (suspected) ISTP brother, however, is a heavy grudge holder. Hm.

If the wrongdoing is serious enough, I will deeeeefinitely hold a grudge. I'm not confrontational, so I don't act on the grudge, other than to avoid the person who has irredeemably pissed me off. And it's very rare for me to need to form a grudge (it's happened maybe once in the last five years) because I'm pretty laidback in social settings (not that I'm a laidback person, as an INFJ I can't pretend to be that, but I am laidback in the sense that I'm accepting and affirming and nonjudgmental in my interactions with others). I seem to get along easily with a wide variety of people. It's also hard to really offend me; I've never been one to get bent out of shape over a social faux paus or a minor conflict. It may bother me on some level, but I'm able to brush it aside because I still think the other person is good and well-meaning overall. But once someone crosses a certain line with me (e.g., backstabbing, manipulation, etc.) they are pretty much dead to me. If I have to be at the same place they are, I'll pretend not to see them and completely ignore any of their attempts at eye contact, small talk, etc. I can do the small talk thing with people I don't know or people who I mildly dislike, but when something's happened that's serious enough to merit a grudge I just feel there's no point in even pretending. They get the good old INFJ door slam... So yeah, the aforementioned study doesn't surprise me at all.

 

[Eowyn]

On the other hand, my ESFP kid gets REALLY angry sometimes in the moment and does very hurtful things but after the event is over and done with, he totally is fine and doesn't seem to hold a grudge at all. He lives in the moment.

I'm an ESfP, and I don't generally hold grudges. I can be utterly incensed in the moment, but once the feelings are over, I'm good to go. Additionally, it's very, very hard to destroy my loyalty and friendship, but once it's gone, it's completely over, and I won't try again.


My INTJ husband? He's a completely different story. The man can hold a grudge like no one else. The Grudgery is impressive in its sheer Grudginess.

 

[magil]

Least likely prolly the FPs and most maybe the TPs? I just know that it's impossible for me to not forgive someone.