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  1. #1
    Senior Member sketchymcsketcherson's Avatar
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    Default People who just HAVE to be nice piss me off

    This is one of my pet peeves. Some people who are very close to me do this, and it secretly annoys me to no end. It might sound odd to complain about such a positive trait, but let's be honest here.

    For example, if you aren't feeling well or aren't in the most talkative of moods, this person will ask "Are you okay?" When you say that you're fine, the person repeats the question and tries to pry any information possible regarding your current state.

    While I appreciate the concern, in the end, what good does it do to ask? If I have the flu and feel horrible, no matter how many times you say you are sorry I feel bad, or ask what you can do to make me feel better, or ask if I need anything, it won't help. If I'm sick or depressed or feeling down, I usually like to sit quietly and deal with things on my own. If I need help in some way, shape, or form, I will ask for it.

    I would assume that this is somewhat of an FJ thing, for obvious reasons. Not to put anyone down.

    It's interesting, but if a T does something nice for me, it sometimes feels more genuine than if an F does it. If a T logically thinks through things and figures that I might benefit from something, I think that's a big deal. Don't get me wrong, many Fs are very good, heartfelt people. But sometimes it seems like they are acting on impulses that they can't help. Sure, they're just trying to be nice, but that's sometimes all they can think about. When someone who isn't driven by emotions does something nice for me there's an element of sincerity in it (of course, sometimes the T is just doing it because he or she realizes it's beneficial in the long run for himself ).

  2. #2
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    i don't get it

    are u just saying fake nice people annoy you?

    yeah, when they exude that plastic-ness when they are nice... there could be worse things though

    but yeah, maybe its cus they are wearing a gurdle or something

  3. #3
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I don't hover with sick people. I do what I can to make them as comfortable as possible, then I want them to shut up and leave me the heck alone. It's frustrating to feel so helpless and I get really impatient.

    My poor son had an ear infection a few weeks ago and after I'd done everything I could for him he kept moaning until I was about to go crazy. I finally told him to either stop it or go someplace where I couldn't hear him. I felt like a terrible person, but I just can't take that kind of thing.

    So how 'bout when someone who is driven by emotions tells you to STFU? LOL
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #4
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    The intrusive niceness sounds like kindness without understanding or empathy. Also, not taking someone at their word can feel like some kind of disrespect.

    I think that can come from people who feel responsible for the outcome of the other person. They are afraid of not helping and then being blamed for it. Probably people have either done that to them, or they are modeling their behavior after someone who was treated that way. Some people do push away help and then accuse the person of not helping. I usually try to reassure such people that they have already helped greatly, and it is appreciated. I might add that the alone time is an especially important help to me.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  5. #5
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    The intrusive niceness sounds like kindness without understanding or empathy. Also, not taking someone at their word can feel like some kind of disrespect.

    I think that can come from people who feel responsible for the outcome of the other person. They are afraid of not helping and then being blamed for it. Probably people have either done that to them, or they are modeling their behavior after someone who was treated that way. Some people do push away help and then accuse the person of not helping. I usually try to reassure such people that they have already helped greatly, and it is appreciated. I might add that the alone time is an especially important help to me.
    I don't know toonia...it's not necessarily untrue kindness. It depends on the person. Some people feel cared for by the inquiry and don't view it as inappropriate at all. TBH, I don't think many people inquire about others, or maybe that's just where I'm from. Most people will walk by someone obviously anguished and keep their eyes straight in front of them. In settings where you come into more regular contact with another person I don't think it's intrusive to politely inquire if someone's OK, but you do have to let it rest if they don't want to go into it. Most people don't realize how much they wear their feelings on their faces and in their body language and most people do notice it.

    But yes, I've found when some one is intrusively inquiring about my personhood I've found variations of this statement helpful:

    "Yes, I'm not feeling well but I'll be OK. Thanks for your concern, I appreciate it."

    In my experience, most people knock it off after that and if they're at all reasonable and it's done with minimal to no offense. By doing this you're acknowledging their concern about you and still maintaining your privacy. Extra bonus if you go up to them a few weeks after the fact and give them a light and breezy version of the outcome of their inquiry, i.e. "I'm feeling much better now."

    If you feel like the person is inquiring out of pure nosiness instead of true concern then no follow up is necessary. Since most of this has happened to me with my coworkers and I don't want damaged relationships with people I have to see on a daily basis (sorry, my motivations for this are more pragmatic in nature) I tend to do follow-up.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  6. #6
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    I dislike it when someone that I don't know very well asks me how I'm doing when I'm not feeling well. It feels like they're trying to irritate me by being intruding. It feels like they knowingly put me in an awkward situation where I either have to lie that I'm feeling fine or tell them-- a stranger to me-- that I'm not feeling well, or be impolite and not reply.

    Reminds me of a time when a man who had asked for my help in a computer class suddenly asked me how high my socks go up the thigh. And he asked it like it was ordinary small talk. *shivers*

  7. #7
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    I don't know toonia...it's not necessarily untrue kindness. It depends on the person. Some people feel cared for by the inquiry and don't view it as inappropriate at all. TBH, I don't think many people inquire about others, or maybe that's just where I'm from. Most people will walk by someone obviously anguished and keep their eyes straight in front of them. In settings where you come into more regular contact with another person I don't think it's intrusive to politely inquire if someone's OK, but you do have to let it rest if they don't want to go into it. Most people don't realize how much they wear their feelings on their faces and in their body language and most people do notice it.

    But yes, I've found when some one is intrusively inquiring about my personhood I've found variations of this statement helpful:

    "Yes, I'm not feeling well but I'll be OK. Thanks for your concern, I appreciate it."

    In my experience, most people knock it off after that and if they're at all reasonable and it's done with minimal to no offense. By doing this you're acknowledging their concern about you and still maintaining your privacy. Extra bonus if you go up to them a few weeks after the fact and give them a light and breezy version of the outcome of their inquiry, i.e. "I'm feeling much better now."

    If you feel like the person is inquiring out of pure nosiness instead of true concern then no follow up is necessary. Since most of this has happened to me with my coworkers and I don't want damaged relationships with people I have to see on a daily basis (sorry, my motivations for this are more pragmatic in nature) I tend to do follow-up.
    It wasn't my intention to imply it was untrue kindness. I think kindness can be entirely sincere and not perceive what the other person actually needs. There might also be cases where the person needs the expression of concern even if they reject it. I think the feeling of responsibility for the outcome is often sincere as well. I doubt one statement applies across the possibilities.

    I agree that being in a circumstance where there is too much concern expressed is a fortunate problem compared to what most people face.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  8. #8
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    It wasn't my intention to imply it was untrue kindness. I think kindness can be entirely sincere and not perceive what the other person actually needs. There might also be cases where the person needs the expression of concern even if they reject it. I think the feeling of responsibility for the outcome is often sincere as well. I doubt one statement applies across the possibilities.

    I agree that being in a circumstance where there is too much concern expressed is a fortunate problem compared to what most people face.
    In my current situation I've encountered people who:
    • Don't care/ask anyway
    • Ask out of genuine concern
    • Don't care/don't ask
    • Care/don't ask


    I've come to distinguish where people fall in the grouping over the last year.

    The people that care but don't ask will quietly and unobtrusively come up to every now and again inquire and back off but I think the concern is apparent in their eyes. They tend to let things be.

    The people that care and ask are more relational about it and try to show how they've been through similar circumstances. They tend to be more proactive in their concern, like giving you links to helpful websites or putting you in contact with people that may be able to help. It's not necessarily directly asking you about the details of the situation, but giving information because they've been through it.

    Don't ask/don't care are obvious and I'm cool with those types believe it or not.

    The don't really care but ask anyway are the opposite of the care and ask. They offer nothing, just want to know what's going on and feel somewhat parasitic. They're the type of take what you say and spread it around. An example from earlier this winter is one of my colleagues was out sick. Another colleague emailed her asking how she was doing. It was mentioned that she had the flu. The inquiring colleague then sent out an email to HR telling them the person had swine flu. That person didn't care really, they just wanted to know what they where sick with.

    For me, I'm pretty adept and dodging personal questions I don't want to answer and I've got various scripts ready for any questions. But then I don't necessarily get irritated with people asking. It's like someone bumping into you in a crowded subway car, it's bound to happen no need in getting mad about it.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  9. #9
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaveri View Post
    Reminds me of a time when a man who had asked for my help in a computer class suddenly asked me how high my socks go up the thigh. And he asked it like it was ordinary small talk. *shivers*
    I wonder where he hangs out on Friday nights.

    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    The don't really care but ask anyway are the opposite of the care and ask. They offer nothing, just want to know what's going on and feel somewhat parasitic. They're the type of take what you say and spread it around. An example from earlier this winter is one of my colleagues was out sick. Another colleague emailed her asking how she was doing. It was mentioned that she had the flu. The inquiring colleague then sent out an email to HR telling them the person had swine flu. That person didn't care really, they just wanted to know what they where sick with.
    I tend to like these people the least of the four.

    I am good with people who don't ask, regardless of whether they care or not, although I like the people who care but aren't pushy.

    I even appreciate people who care, ask, and give general help based on their experiences.

    However, the worst to me is what the OP noted: People who ask, who you give a cue to not pursue the matter further or not go deeper, and they insist on pushing into you anyway... usually because they have some sort of compulsion to help you in order to feel good/adequate about themselves. It's not really about me at all, it's about them.

    They leave me feeling dirty.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #10
    Senior Member sketchymcsketcherson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nomadic View Post
    i don't get it

    are u just saying fake nice people annoy you?

    yeah, when they exude that plastic-ness when they are nice... there could be worse things though

    but yeah, maybe its cus they are wearing a gurdle or something
    No. Not my point at all.

    Quote Originally Posted by toonia
    The intrusive niceness sounds like kindness without understanding or empathy. Also, not taking someone at their word can feel like some kind of disrespect.

    I think that can come from people who feel responsible for the outcome of the other person. They are afraid of not helping and then being blamed for it. Probably people have either done that to them, or they are modeling their behavior after someone who was treated that way. Some people do push away help and then accuse the person of not helping. I usually try to reassure such people that they have already helped greatly, and it is appreciated. I might add that the alone time is an especially important help to me.
    There are definitely people like this. But I'm specifically thinking of those with genuine empathy, but they have no limits to the extroversion of their feelings. They legitimately care and love, but insist upon helping.

    It's like if they see something wrong with someone they care about, all logic goes out the window and they have to offer comfort (sometimes 3 or 4 times) when it's not asked for, or offer little things that they feel would help.

    It's not that I question whether or not they care. It just gets flat-out annoying.

    Quote Originally Posted by toonia
    I agree that being in a circumstance where there is too much concern expressed is a fortunate problem compared to what most people face.
    Yes, it totally is. I agree, and sometimes I have to remind myself of this when I'm trapped with someone like the people I described.

    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix
    The don't really care but ask anyway are the opposite of the care and ask. They offer nothing, just want to know what's going on and feel somewhat parasitic. They're the type of take what you say and spread it around. An example from earlier this winter is one of my colleagues was out sick. Another colleague emailed her asking how she was doing. It was mentioned that she had the flu. The inquiring colleague then sent out an email to HR telling them the person had swine flu. That person didn't care really, they just wanted to know what they where sick with.
    Once I learn that someone is like this, I usually shoot a dirty look their way upon such an inquiry.

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