i can't figure out my type. i don't take risks in relationships, but in terms of how i tell myself my own story, i feel far more turbulent and desperately in need of intense connection.
i say i am in love with art but i might be more in love with the idea of art. sp/sx seems more zen and more mystical, which is me. but sx/sp seems more epic push-pull in relationships, which is maybe an exaggeration. i'm a 5w4. i don't aggressively pursue, and i become sharp and edgy somewhat frequently, showing my claws. but i don't cut ties easily. i will just disappear. but if i do not resurface i am simply not alive.
i want my story to be art. i feel ill if i imagine a straight and narrow life, yet i am afraid of getting stuck in something worse (more traditional). suffocating my hope and energy and vitality. i want to explore myself and master myself and master the universe. i want to absorb everything. i want to expand infinitely. i want to be challenged, but i feel like i must be the best at everything. this exhausts me and causes cognitive dissonance. i may not believe that any one person has my answers, my solution, or my salvation. i gave that up somewhere in my early twenties, i misplaced it or lost it under the pillow when the tooth fairy never came. the flame comes back but without the totalizing faith of unquestioned belief.
but i'm always wanting. and art has sustained me more than anything else. the significant relationships i have had have rebuilt me into a person, out of the fragmentary pieces of experience and thought i previously had been. they are like chemical elements and processes that evoke me out of myself, that materialize and actualize my latent potential. they help turn me into real and actual substance out of the ethereal mind/spirit which is me.
i don't identify myself as self-destructive in many ways. i feel strongly iconoclastic in that my vision is very important to me, i get really judgy when it comes to aesthetic choices. i am staunchly myself when it involves something i care about. yet i don't share my vision with very many people. i am not aggressive or assertive, but i have been told i am very intense and seem very focused. on that set i might be a total dictator. i never liked to share the toys in the toybox. if i am self-destructive it is total gluttony, high anxiety, and periodic nihilistic mornings and evenings. it is stress that becomes borderline incapacitating, yet never incapacitating. it is also a lack of much-needed responsibility.
my biggest fear is growing bored or being trapped in a situation that is no longer exciting. one in which the attitudes and ideas of the group drown out my own. fuck the group, i'd rather make my own mark by myself. i have a strong tendency to withdraw, but i have an intense desire for connection at all times. yet i do fear being overexposed and vulnerable. everything must be real to me, but i have obviously experienced stunted growth in aspects of social development. yet you could never tell, bc you would like me. i can be very charming. but, if not on my terms, and not with a bit of information gathering first, very nervously so (especially if i care what you think/feel about me).
i identify with the home-space of sp/sx in that whenever i've lived alone, visitors have always commented on how much the space felt like me, felt safe and inviting, etc. yet i have had ex's comment that they have had to look away bc my intensity made them become shy.
i have been in few relationships but when i have been alone, i sound like kierkegaard praying for divine intervention. yet i've been alone most of my life. altho a large part of this was untangling my fucked up ideals and an awful mish-mash of christian indoctrination and 5w4 (a la emily dickinson) trump card forays into total darkness, that took time to balance the scales (and tip them over, in my case).
i am so obviously one-to-one over any other form of interaction. when conversing i probe others with great intensity, trying to get to their essence. i want to know them and know what makes them tick. this is the entirety of their interest to me.