INTPs in conversations & relationships.

[Xander]

Okay so we probably have a lot of INTPs here or those that know one. Basically there's lots of talk about how INTPs find interaction sooo difficult and that we're all a bunch of geeks and should an adolescent male version be approached by a pretty female then we're stumbling for words.

However that's a ver simplistic and one sided view IMO. There's advantages to being an INTP and it doesn't just stop with being good at geeking.

So to all those who are INTPs, what do you find is your ace in the whole in conversations? What's good about being an INTP in a relationship?

For those who know INTPs, what do you think they bring to the table in a conversation or a relationship that's fairly unique to them and useful?

Basically I don't accept that INTPs are all negatives when it comes to interacting with others but the factors are never really discussed. Also I'm hoping that if people can point out why it's sometimes nice to talk to an INTP that they may drop the silly "I hate people" slogan and go develop their extroverted side a little.

 

[Totenkindly]

In conversations, INTPs are:

1. Able to understand easily the content of what others are saying.
2. Very funny (when they want to be). They can see the humor in everything and point it out in a funny way.
3. Very interesting/profound in terms of the actual ideas they bring up. They usually take a conversation to the "next level" rather than allowing it to remain stale and shallow (by their standards).
4. Can take a conversation in many different directions.
5. Can converse adequately on a variety of topics (if they allowed their Ne to develop) -- they tend to dabble in many different fields of knowledge, along with deeper focus on their favorites.
6. Good listeners, because they let others lead until they get comfortable.
7. Fair in their assessments.
8. Have few boundaries, so anyone can bring up any topic and have it be acceptable, without feeling embarrassed.

 

[Xander]

What about in a relationship?
Surely the preferences of an INTP have great bearing on a relationship and based on what most seem to think is a typical INTP I'd not exactly chase them down for a relationship, so why do some persevere?

Yes there are those facets of a person which are not related to type but I kinda figure that there's got to be some cross over.

 

[Totenkindly]

In a relationship, INTPs:

1. Usually keep conversations calm.
2. Good at seeing the big picture or underlying assumptions made by the other person.
3. Can see other points of view, or intuitively grasp what the other person probably thinks based on what they believe to be true; sometimes "gets there" before the other person has.
4. Flexible and responsive, if the other person vocalizes their needs.
5. Understanding/Accepting.
6. Can become critical of someone's logic, but usually not critical of them as a human being or for the personal decisions they make.
7. Good source for advice and perspective.
8. Not usually impulsive / will manage risk somewhat at least.

(Note: These traits also create corresponding weaknesses but I will let y'all discuss those. )

 

[Xander]

Jennifer, have you been thinking about this for a while or something? Those seem a little well thought out for just off the cuff (no offence intended).

 

[substitute]

A well-adjusted INTP can be very pleasant company, interesting to have discussions with, and full of useful and fascinating information. They're willing to talk about any subject and tend to know at least something about most things, and what they don't know they're willing to learn.

HOWEVER, sometimes when talking with INTP's, I've got the impression that they're not so much having a conversation, as trying to make sure everyone knows they're clever. I know one in particular who seems to be so worried that people won't realise how clever he is and how much he knows, that he just spews out trivia at the most inappropriate times, all the time. Like the guy I mentioned before who, at a dinner party, when people are making small talk and getting to know each other, responds to someone who says they're thinking of getting a nice, decorative chess board with a full etymology of the phrase "check mate", to the boredom and disinterest of everyone. And he also insists on using very flowery, formal language all of the time, as if he's more 'reading an essay' to us than casually talking.

I know that he doesn't mean to annoy people with any of this, but it's quite hard at times to keep this in mind because he can simply be just so damn annoying and boring. On the few occasions when I've got him to just chill the fuck out and stop trying to prove something all the time, he's been great fun and we've laughed our asses off playing each other at Mario Kart and stuff.

If there is anything I could recognise as a trait or pattern in my dealings with all the INTP's I've known then it'd be this: that I constantly feel like I'm having to restrain myself from saying to them "Dude, relax - we know you're clever, nobody disputes it. There's no need to keep trying to prove it."

It's either feast or famine - either they're sitting aloof and not speaking to anyone and keeping all their thoughts to themselves, or they're launching into boring and unsolicited monologues, oblivious to the disinterest of their listeners!!

It happens worse in group situations, far worse. It still happens sometimes in the one-on-one, but less often. So I've sometimes been in the position of having an INTP friend who, though I can enjoy spending time with them when it's just us, if I think of inviting him along with a group to something, I cringe inwardly at the potential for total embarrassment and awkwardness, and then the rest of the group complaining at me the next day for bringing that world class bore with me! lol

 

[The_Liquid_Laser]

I think INTP's make excellent friends (at least they do if you are an ENTP. ) Anyway here are some strengths I see in INTP's:

1. Calm and steady.
2. Stimulating conversation and is usually quite knowledgable in a variety of topics.
3. Emotionally loyal. I know that I can count on my INTP friends.
4. Very accepting of unusual behavior. A person who feels like an outcast toward most people will not get that reaction from an INTP.
5. Easy to befriend if you show an interest in them. INTP's generally do not have a long list of requirements for people to meet in order to be their friend.
6. Most tend to be good at calmly and objectively resolving conflict.

 

[Xander]

Subs, that sounds like my ISTJ friend.

Good point with the feast or famine though

 

[substitute]

3. Emotionally loyal. I know that I can count on my INTP friends.
4. Very accepting of unusual behavior. A person who feels like an outcast toward most people will not get that reaction from an INTP.

I agree with these two, especially no 3. Constancy is something I value highly in a friend, it really gets on my nerves when someone can blow hot or cold on me and change their mind totally about what they think of me or feel about me, according to what mood they're in or what so-and-so told them I said, etc etc.

 

[Totenkindly]

Jennifer, have you been thinking about this for a while or something? Those seem a little well thought out for just off the cuff (no offence intended).

No, I never think about things ahead of time or become absorbed in my thoughts.

(You think I'm one of those icky INTPs?)

It's either feast or famine - either they're sitting aloof and not speaking to anyone and keeping all their thoughts to themselves, or they're launching into boring and unsolicited monologues, oblivious to the disinterest of their listeners!!

Well, it's the anxiety that comes from feeling incompetent in a social setting, you know. Different types of introverts (at the very least) go through this -- they each simply full-throttle the things they do well and try to do it in a conversation where it is inappropriate, trying to show they're interested or at least worth including... but because they are insecure and their behavior inappropriate to the context of the discussion, then they end up looking even worse... so then they try even HARDER to justify their presence by continuing more strongly, and... ick.

Sometimes, to be fair, ENTPs seem the same way, though. I wish they would shut up and stop trying to be the funniest person in the group and always having to comment on every single line of dialogue or be the one to make every single joke. (It's like a "look at me" spotlight -- for a naughty ENTP. Good ENTPs are very warm and engaging and a little more sensitive to how others are perceiving them, so they ease up a little.)

 

[SolitaryWalker]

A well-adjusted INTP can be very pleasant company, interesting to have discussions with, and full of useful and fascinating information. They're willing to talk about any subject and tend to know at least something about most things, and what they don't know they're willing to learn.

HOWEVER, sometimes when talking with INTP's, I've got the impression that they're not so much having a conversation, as trying to make sure everyone knows they're clever. I know one in particular who seems to be so worried that people won't realise how clever he is and how much he knows, that he just spews out trivia at the most inappropriate times, all the time. Like the guy I mentioned before who, at a dinner party, when people are making small talk and getting to know each other, responds to someone who says they're thinking of getting a nice, decorative chess board with a full etymology of the phrase "check mate", to the boredom and disinterest of everyone. And he also insists on using very flowery, formal language all of the time, as if he's more 'reading an essay' to us than casually talking.

I know that he doesn't mean to annoy people with any of this, but it's quite hard at times to keep this in mind because he can simply be just so damn annoying and boring. On the few occasions when I've got him to just chill the fuck out and stop trying to prove something all the time, he's been great fun and we've laughed our asses off playing each other at Mario Kart and stuff.

If there is anything I could recognise as a trait or pattern in my dealings with all the INTP's I've known then it'd be this: that I constantly feel like I'm having to restrain myself from saying to them "Dude, relax - we know you're clever, nobody disputes it. There's no need to keep trying to prove it."

It's either feast or famine - either they're sitting aloof and not speaking to anyone and keeping all their thoughts to themselves, or they're launching into boring and unsolicited monologues, oblivious to the disinterest of their listeners!!

It happens worse in group situations, far worse. It still happens sometimes in the one-on-one, but less often. So I've sometimes been in the position of having an INTP friend who, though I can enjoy spending time with them when it's just us, if I think of inviting him along with a group to something, I cringe inwardly at the potential for total embarrassment and awkwardness, and then the rest of the group complaining at me the next day for bringing that world class bore with me! lol

INTPs tend not to be interested in proving anything to anyone because they are led by an internal standard. The problem with people that you describe is that they are so intensely focused on their thought experiments, that they are willing to go at whatever great lengths to carry them. This leads them to discount the external environment. I doubt such INTPs are even clearly aware of how others perceive them, even more I doubt that they are deliberately trying to convince others of their cleverness.

The latter is mostly ENT business, or whatever is associated with applying Thinking externally. INTJs are more likely to do this than INTPs because of their Extroverted Thinking factor.

 

[substitute]

INTPs tend not to be interested in proving anything to anyone because they are led by an internal standard. The problem with people that you describe is that they are so intensely focused on their thought experiments, that they are willing to go at whatever great lengths to carry them. This leads them to discount the external environment. I doubt such INTPs are even clearly aware of how others perceive them, even more I doubt that they are deliberately trying to convince others of their cleverness.

The latter is mostly ENT business, or whatever is associated with applying Thinking externally. INTJs are more likely to do this than INTPs because of their Extroverted Thinking factor.

Actually when Xander said it sounded like an ISTJ he knows, it got me thinking and I'm currently considering the possibility the the guy I was talking about most there might actually be ISTJ, though he's firmly convinced he's INTP.

 

[SolitaryWalker]

Actually when Xander said it sounded like an ISTJ he knows, it got me thinking and I'm currently considering the possibility the the guy I was talking about most there might actually be ISTJ, though he's firmly convinced he's INTP.

Hmm..

INTPs tend not to be boring. When I first read your post, I thought you were saying 'world-class boor', not bore..that would make a lot more sense if we're talking about a neurotic INTP with hardly any consideration for the feelings of others...

Though as for 'bore' ISJs definitely take the top there..as they are often the least imaginative. INTPs by contrast tend to be highly stimulating, not only in virtue of their N, but also with their ability to make good use of their Intuitions by applying proper judgment.

 

[SolitaryWalker]

In conversations, INTPs are:

1. Able to understand easily the content of what others are saying.
2. Very funny (when they want to be). They can see the humor in everything and point it out in a funny way.
3. Very interesting/profound in terms of the actual ideas they bring up. They usually take a conversation to the "next level" rather than allowing it to remain stale and shallow (by their standards).
4. Can take a conversation in many different directions.
5. Can converse adequately on a variety of topics (if they allowed their Ne to develop) -- they tend to dabble in many different fields of knowledge, along with deeper focus on their favorites.
6. Good listeners, because they let others lead until they get comfortable.
7. Fair in their assessments.
8. Have few boundaries, so anyone can bring up any topic and have it be acceptable, without feeling embarrassed.

9. Handle stress well. Ne-adaptability, and Ti detachment shelters them from maladies that deeply afflict others. I'd argue that not even the ENTP, but the INTP is the most adaptable type. ENTPs adjust better to external situations, yet INTPs require less of their external environment and are more judicious in their decisions. Hence, they can be satisfied with almost all kinds of external circumstances that befall them. As they need very little to be content, merely enough to be able to retreat to their thought experiments in peace.
So..

10. Reliable in highly stressful situations because of their ability to maintain inner calm.

 

[faith]

I agree with Xander--healthy INTPs, who care enough to make the effort, are enjoyable socially and very good at relationships.

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/relationships/2213-its-lie.html

 

[Xander]

I agree with Xander--healthy INTPs, who care enough to make the effort, are enjoyable socially and very good at relationships.

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/relationships/2213-its-lie.html

Your totally right Faith. I'm sorry I missed that one. No wonder responses were slow if it's a duplicate.

You know I'm not sure on this deliberate avoidance though or some INTP conspiracy to deny their true nature. My ENFJ mate said recently, in response to me saying that I don't like to be annoyed, "no of course you don't. It's an emotion and you don't like having an emotion". I tried in vain at the time to interject then with a full explanation as to why it seems that way but just isn't so and I think a similar element is present here too.

The way I see it is that I don't so much rid my self of emotion but I do turn down it's volume so that I can better hear the music of my thoughts, which is what is enticing me to listen in the first place. Sure I have emotion and sometimes I revel in it whilst taking a break from my music. However at the end of the day that IS my song they're playing and it's what I like to hear so back down goes the volume on emotions whilst I put my headphones back on.

The whole anger thing is more of a classic INTP where I get angry but then feel like I'm making a big display and so shut down the anger before I get stage fright or something.

You do however bring up on good point, that some INTPs try to deny anything outside of the music. That was a motivator in starting this thread. An INTP who tries to be without emotion is a boring individual unless used as a subject in psychoanalysis. In part it is the fluffy emotional side which bring the INTPs wonderful ideas to life and is also the gleam you see in their eyes when they are truly interested (I'm an eyes person overall).

 

[wildcat]

Okay so we probably have a lot of INTPs here or those that know one. Basically there's lots of talk about how INTPs find interaction sooo difficult and that we're all a bunch of geeks and should an adolescent male version be approached by a pretty female then we're stumbling for words.

However that's a ver simplistic and one sided view IMO. There's advantages to being an INTP and it doesn't just stop with being good at geeking.

So to all those who are INTPs, what do you find is your ace in the whole in conversations? What's good about being an INTP in a relationship?

For those who know INTPs, what do you think they bring to the table in a conversation or a relationship that's fairly unique to them and useful?

Basically I don't accept that INTPs are all negatives when it comes to interacting with others but the factors are never really discussed. Also I'm hoping that if people can point out why it's sometimes nice to talk to an INTP that they may drop the silly "I hate people" slogan and go develop their extroverted side a little.

Substitute said we are boring.
We have spoiled a couple of his parties.

He is embarrassed to have INTP friends.
Poor fellow.

Life is tough.

 

[Xander]

Substitute said we are boring.
We have spoiled a couple of his parties.

He is embarrassed to have INTP friends.
Poor fellow.

Life is tough.

Oh come on... INTPs at parties? We'd either not be there or MAKE the damn thing

 

[cafe]

Is my INTP the only one that really does not like change and does not adjust to it all that easily? Also, Don and I have both noticed that while he is great in a crisis because he can keep it together, it always takes a toll on him later on and if the crisis is an extended one, it really wears on him.

In comparison, I tend to take change in stride and though I may initially flip out when there is a crisis, soon I'm able to adjust with little ill effects and I can handle longer term crises better than he can.

I know Ps are supposed to be good with change and Js are not, but we just have not seen things work that way in our relationship.

 

[wildcat]

Oh come on... INTPs at parties? We'd either not be there or MAKE the damn thing

I do not know about parties.
Norma Jean did know about them.

Metro Goldwyn Mayer expected Norma to appear at the parties.
She did.

She used to sit at the staircase and wait the party to be over.

No one spoke to her.
You do not speak to a goddess.