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  1. #11
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    I've had some issues with my parents (mostly religious) but I think they really did a great job at the second one. They had high expectations, but they were not really reward-and-punish "we want you to succeed and if you do what we say, you will" expectations. They were more "You are a wonderful, bright, enthusiastic person and I know you can do whatever you set your mind to do." Thankfully they didn't really have a lot of ideas of what that ought to be- they responded to our individual strengths and encouraged us to pursue them as far as we wanted to go.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  2. #12
    Member Vicki's Avatar
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    #1 sounds like both of my parents.
    my mom is an INTJ and was forgiving when it wouldn't spoil me.
    my dad is INTJ and he seems to be #1 a lot. but he is so confusing.
    they're are a lot of values and if I have a thought against it. that's not cool.
    plus they're very surface, it doesn't really matter why you're mad or what made you mad and express it. you are supposed to act gentle and mannerly at all times.

    I am, I guess, balanced, I notice traits in myself that are from all the different preferences. the profile of ESFP seems to fit, except I'm a little more organized that they are profiled. and I don't talk my head off.
    INFP also seems to fit but I'm not passive.
    I got a lot of T since both of my parents are T. I know that I express emotions at times, but I don't like it when other people show a lot.
    I can't label a preference that seems natural for me except F.
    F is natural for me! I guess it also depends on who I'm with. I fill in the blanks.

    but I'm saying it's #1 because BOTH of my parents are TJ. (T_T) lol
    you know, lots of set standards and stuff like that.
    my parents are very similar.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I should be nice, good, polite, and pleasant. I should not raise any contrary opinions. I am an accessory and my presence is tolerated as long as I am a part of the entourage. If I am good, every once in awhile, my mother's attention will shine on me like the sun.
    This describes my childhood as well.

    And the sunshine would turn into a roaring thunderstorm of rage if I slipped up by, say, getting bored and fidgety at a never-ending party populated entirely by unfamiliar adults. How dare I! I was supposed to chatter prettily and enthusiatically with every passing person, just like my mother did.

    This really happened. I was nine years old. It would have been even worse had my ESTJ aunt not come to my defense and made my highly emotional mother realize that a restless child was not a blight upon her reputation.


    So in answer to the OP, #1.

  4. #14
    Senior Member reason's Avatar
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    I incubated in a pod for 18 years before emerging fully formed, and implanted with the knowledge of my ancestors. Y'know, like the first Star Trek episode with the Borg, before they decided it would be scarier if they assimilated everyone instead.

    Growing people is just so last season.
    A criticism that can be brought against everything ought not to be brought against anything.

  5. #15
    Pareo cattus Natrushka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Metamorphosis View Post
    .

    1.) Were you raised by the idea that bad behaviour should be punished and good behaviour should be rewarded...always pushed to excel, succeed, survive, etc.
    I identify with this one most. However I also grew up with the belief that I could do or be anything I wanted. I was never pushed to be something or someone specific. I suspect that my drive to excel and succeed was my own, because my sister was raised in the same environment and we're very different people today.

    I never felt judged by my parents, they never meddled or interfered - they still don't to this day. I used to think all parents were like this. Doh.

    This signature left intentionally blank.

    Really.

  6. #16
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Metamorphosis View Post
    1.) Were you raised by the idea that bad behaviour should be punished and good behaviour should be rewarded...always pushed to excel, succeed, survive, etc.

    or

    2.) Were you raised by the idea that you should try to have as fulfilling of a life as possible and help others to also have this?
    Out of those two choices, I really feel like I was raised in a #1 environment, even though it seems so harsh. Even if in my parents eyes they were raising me like the #2 option, they did not clearly deliver the #2 message. #2 was unspoken, if it was present. I perceived #1 a lot more.

    I personally think I would have thrived a lot more w/ #2, because that is my personal belief system.

    **Note: the below is just all the 'negatives' in my parents. They definitely have a lot of positives that I'm not writing about. But, I do love my parents, and I don't have any outstanding issues with them. I've pretty much come to terms with all of the below. They do try, they just have evident problem areas -- but, so do we all. :-)

    My Dad is most likely an INTJ and my mom is a rather highstrung ISxJ (although as a kid, she hid the highstrung part fairly well, most of the time). The thing is, is my brother and I weren't really problem children, so the punishment part didn't really apply. Although, I also learned at a young age that my Dad could be quite scary when you disappointed him -- he gets a condescending, impatient 'tone' to his voice (which he clearly got from his very intense INTJ father, who did the same thing -- so I can't really 'blame' my Dad for much, because he was raised in actually a much 'harsher' environment than we were, so my Dad was probably more balanced than his father was). The 'tone' is something all of us get annoyed with, and try to avoid. When I got older I'd sometimes snap back when he got 'the tone', just because 'the tone' to me demonstrated such a lack of...emotional maturity, or something. So I stopped being affected by 'the tone' - it simply made me angry instead. But when you don't disappoint him, he's quite the happy guy.

    I also in general felt that my opinions didn't matter a whole lot. For example, I was quite good at the piano growing up, but 5 yrs into it, I really wanted to quit. The parents didn't let me quit, *because I was good*, so I had to keep playing another 6 yrs or so, and they finally let me quit at the end of my junior yr in high school. There was some resentment there. ;-)

    And, I must have learned at a young age not really to express my opinions, because I never really did it, growing up. The times I remember expressing myself - in high school, in college, and a few times recently - I was told I was selfish, or was kinda patronized, like 'Oh, you don't know better yet...when you get older, you'll change your mind'.

    Basically, I think my Dad finds me humorous/silly at times, but I know he loves me a lot. He takes pride in my accomplishments. He values my intelligence and achievements. But he gets very put out when I try to talk more about self-growth/personality stuff. When I was in a job rut about 3 yrs ago, and was really trying to seek honest feedback from my parents regarding my strengths, my Dad couldn't answer - he simply got his angry, impatient 'tone' and said: 'Well, you're not using your strengths in your current job!!'. Which made me upset, which made my mom upset. And he was so bothered by my soul-searching. I obviously touched a part of him that he doesn't have much easy access to, which is why he reacted so poorly. I don't think he ever even answered my question.

    One could say my parents were never warm and overly affirming in my good *qualities* (although my mom had her moments, so of the two she was a little more demonstrative and sensitive) -- however, they were affirming in my accomplishments. So that is probably why to this day I have a confused notion of what my good qualities are, outside of intelligence.

    My mom's role is to question nearly every single thing I do - and this started when I was young. So, I think I got a lot of my self-doubt from her constantly questioning me, and she has a way of guilt-tripping my brother and I about the stupidest things.

    My brother has been hard for both of them to deal with and understand, because he was the opposite of me in many ways. I was the high-achiever, and he just kind of rode the undercurrents, although he's potentially much more capable than I am. They don't understand his lack of desire to 'achieve' anything..although have come to terms with it and are ok with it.

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Metamorphosis View Post
    I was watching a video about the cognitive science behind political ideology and started to wonder about something.

    1.) Were you raised by the idea that bad behaviour should be punished and good behaviour should be rewarded...always pushed to excel, succeed, survive, etc.

    or

    2.) Were you raised by the idea that you should try to have as fulfilling of a life as possible and help others to also have this?

    Please think before you answer.

    and put your type if it doesn't show up under your name
    It seems an odd way to set up the options; I don't see them as mutually exclusive.

    Good behavior was expected as the norm and undeserving of rewards; bad behavior was punished. As a good person, I should try to help others have as fulfilling a life as possible; my own fulfillment was secondary. (That's what good people do, of course, and what is expected of all of us.)
    Last edited by faith; 10-25-2007 at 12:15 PM.

  8. #18
    Senior Member htb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lee View Post
    Y'know, like the first Star Trek episode with the Borg, before they decided it would be scarier if they assimilated everyone instead.
    Borg babies in crispers. I remember!

    My upbringing was similar to Faith's. I was encouraged, while accordingly praised and punished. There was, however, a wooden paddle reserved in a kitchen drawer -- illustrations on the paddle denoting it as the "board of education."

  9. #19
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    They've always let me do my own thing. I always knew instinctually what was "bad" and "good", and I naturally did quite well at school and other things so I didn't need any push. So I raised myself, kind of? I reacted very badly to any standard placed upon me or any expectations to behave in a certain way and I didn't have any problem telling my parents that I knew better how I should have lived my life (yes, my mother says I've said this sentence when I was 4)

  10. #20
    almost nekkid scantilyclad's Avatar
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    I was taught that bad behavior should be punished, but i was never rewarded for good behavior, and i was usually a pretty good kid. I hated getting in trouble, so i never did anything bad.

    My dad rewarded me for good grades for awhile, but then he decided that i should be making good grades with or without the rewards.
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