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  1. #1
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Default Teach this Fe-tard the ways of being nice

    I've recently come to the conclusion that I suck at being nice and considerate. I'm well adept at extraverted judgment and external ideals, but only those that align with my extraverted thinking. I only take into consideration how people might feel when I think about what I'm going to say and the potential response I might get. I then filter myself if the potential response is something I do not want to deal with.

    I just don't see the point in socializing in person just for the sake of socializing. It's much easier online to just talk to people, but it's so much more difficult in real life because I think of it in terms of cause and effect, thinking strategically rather than personally. I've confirmed with a handful of people at work recently that they think I'm mean, mainly because I'm either too blunt, sarcastic or unwilling to help people if they don't necessarily need the help.

    Do other Te users face this problem? How do you fix it? Any advice from you FJs?


  2. #2
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    Raz, the scary thing is... I was about to make a thread just like this today. Except I was thinking of entitling it "How can I get more Fe?"

  3. #3
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Absolutely. I have the exact problem... and a SFJ family.

    Here are some tips that work for me without having to sacrifice my personality.

    + Always ask them about their concerns. This way, you're less likely to make a wrong move. (Several people complained about my insensitive demands. The problem was they Never spoke up about it in the first place, leaving me to depend on my measly Te-to-Fe translator.)

    + Do not attempt to actively debunk their reasons for being concerned. You will immediately loose all arguments.

    + If you're confused, ask them a question in the least competitive tone you can muster. Keep everything calm, neutral and non-forceful. They often recognize your frustration in a heart-beat. Guide them to your understanding, don't force it. Bottomline: Change the information. They'll come to the conclusion on their own.

    + Think strategically, then use the intelligence gathered on the present Fe-ers to filter out any strongly disagreeable choice. You won't feel like you have to sacrifice a limb to cooperate. (As previously mentioned. )

    + Apologize when you upset them. You don't need to hold responsibility for an unjust blame, but make it clear it was not your intention and you plan to fix it next time. This will keep their Fe pitch-forks down.

    Quote Originally Posted by raz
    [...]I just don't see the point in socializing in person just for the sake of socializing.[...]

    [...] unwilling to help people if they don't necessarily need the help.
    I fail these two tests all the time. I'm downright out of ideas because they make no sense to me whatsoever.

    But I might be able to work in something for your case, if you give me a specific situation.
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  4. #4
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lethe View Post
    blah blah blah
    Well, I have a similar case. In my family, I have an INTJ father, ESFJ mother, ESFJ sister, ENFJ sister and ESFP brother. Of the children, I'm the lone introverted thinker that they just don't get and I don't get them either.

    I'll expand later in a bit. I need time to think about it.


  5. #5
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    One thing that comes to mind: if someone lets you know that something is bothering them, coming up with all the reasons why it shouldn't bother them is not the way to go if you want to make friends and influence people.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  6. #6
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    One thing that comes to mind: if someone lets you know that something is bothering them, coming up with all the reasons why it shouldn't bother them is not the way to go if you want to make friends and influence people.


  7. #7
    Senior Member Rhapsody's Avatar
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    I remember seeing a thread similar to this a while back (it was about developing general F in ENTJs), and someone pointed out that for TJs, it's probably easier to develop Fi than Fe. I don't know if that would solve all of your problems, since having strong Fi doesn't eliminate all Fe-tard moments (I would know, lol). But maybe strengthening/working from Fi would be a more natural way for you to learn how to "be nice" as opposed to trying to force Fe. I don't know ... what do other people think?

  8. #8
    veteran attention whore Jeffster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhapsody View Post
    I remember seeing a thread similar to this a while back (it was about developing general F in ENTJs), and someone pointed out that for TJs, it's probably easier to develop Fi than Fe. I don't know if that would solve all of your problems, since having strong Fi doesn't eliminate all Fe-tard moments (I would know, lol). But maybe strengthening/working from Fi would be a more natural way for you to learn how to "be nice" as opposed to trying to force Fe. I don't know ... what do other people think?
    Yeeeeah..see, the only problem with THAT is that you can't develop Fi, you can only be supermegawallapounded by it, repeatedly, until you give it your lunch money and stop walking that way to school.
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  9. #9
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Perhaps the simplest and most direct approach is to mirror back the "nice" things other people do. If someone gives you a compliment, this likely means that they enjoy receiving compliments. If they offer helpfulness, then that person probably likes it when someone returns a helpful act.

    If niceties aren't your natural mode, then I don't see a reason to over-attempt it, but filter your Fe moments to those most important to you. Start with your most important relationships.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  10. #10
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhapsody View Post
    I remember seeing a thread similar to this a while back (it was about developing general F in ENTJs), and someone pointed out that for TJs, it's probably easier to develop Fi than Fe. I don't know if that would solve all of your problems, since having strong Fi doesn't eliminate all Fe-tard moments (I would know, lol). But maybe strengthening/working from Fi would be a more natural way for you to learn how to "be nice" as opposed to trying to force Fe. I don't know ... what do other people think?
    I've been delving into Fi lately, but it's giving weird responses. I just feel fucked up and incompetent that I'm incapable of maintaining meaningful friendships. In the end, I end up thinking, "I can keep to myself and do what I want, but I apparently can't do this relating stuff as easily as the average joe, so wtf is wrong with me? I feel like my worth as a human being has thus been lowered."


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