more ..
-I'm trying hard to make myself financially successfull, and I'm jealous of people who seem to have it easy and still live a balanced life
-sometimes I feel ashamed, empty and rotten for focusing my efforts so narrowly.. I try to make money first, gain acceptable income, THEN focus on friends, environment, humane issues, beauty, etc.. but I'm afraid it will just leave me empty inside, and I'm empty to begin with for even considering such a thing
-I've worked to remove my need for intelligence, interesting stimulus and satisfaction to enable myself to continue in an unsatisfying job, and I'm afraid I'll stay this way. Other than that, I beat myself for not being able to summon intelligence and creativity out of myself outside workplace settings when I want.
-I work to improve my future by getting more money, then investing it wisely, but my dull work and much studying makes me use too much money on alcohol, and I blame myself for it
-I alternate between giving something little out of my money and panicing about the financial loss of it.
-I alienate some people, even my girlfriend, for not allowing them to "waste my time", or being "inefficient", tho I've got better with this. As a consequence I think I'm an ass, even though I feel for her, and I'm not unfeeling, I feel much more for my own efficiency. I think people should adapt to my standards of efficiency, as they are fair, and I'm not responsible for the stress it causes. The life causes stress, I'm just not avoiding it. Then I know I'm still being terrible human being and feel failed.
-All this bothers me, because I value all the other stuff more, other than money.. and I have to go against my values because of necessity, and I'm still improving my situation only slowly. Someone else would surely be more inventful and work smarter.