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Fi phobia...

The Ü™

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This is for any tertiary Fi type out there, probably more for INTJs, because of the nature of their dominant function.

First, I am 22 years old, and some theories suggest that around this age people start to develop their tertiary function, which, in my case, would be Fi. And Fi desires to form close bonds with others.

I will admit that I am deeply insecure and regretful about my past choices. I've always been the shy type, but only recently have I had concern for developing relationships. I repress these desires by lashing out and becoming angry at other people's happiness, I'm wondering if this is because of my Fi trying to develop and my fear of not knowing how to deal with it.

I've just never been that enthusiastic about forming relationships with others. My new desires for interaction with others often contradicts with Ni's desire to be what it perceives as idiosyncratic. I guess I'm just kind of scared in losing myself in other people, so to speak.

But have any other INTJs felt like this at my age?
 

heart

heart on fire
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My own tertiary function (Te) didn't come on strong until my 30's, especially my mid 30's. My own experience with Fi my primary function is nothing like you are describing here. My father was an INTJ and his Feeling side was nothing like you describe here. He was not angry about other people's happiness. He was one of the most empathetic people inside that I ever knew but few people knew how much except those closest to him.

To be perfectly frank with you, I think you are looking for answers within MBTI that are deeper than that and that you need more help than people on a message board can give you. For that reason I am trying not to respond to your more inflamatory posts.
 

Economica

Dhampyr
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I will admit that I am deeply insecure and regretful about my past choices. I've always been the shy type, but only recently have I had concern for developing relationships. I repress these desires by lashing out and becoming angry at other people's happiness, I'm wondering if this is because of my Fi trying to develop and my fear of not knowing how to deal with it.

See, this kind of post endears you to me. :hug:

Like heart writes, I don't think it is productive for you to think solely in type terms. Everyone needs relationships. It seems like you fear rejection to the point where you rationalize this need. You need to figure out why you are so insecure and work through it.

A good starting question: What's your relationship with your parents like?

(You might want to take this to your blog.)
 

JivinJeffJones

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Actually, I could be wrong, but I think Fi is only incidentally concerned with other people. It is primarily concerned with values. Where other people are concerned, Fi tends to manifest itself in a desire for authentic relationships and relating (ie not fake), in maintaining the integrity of one's values with other people. If so, then you are probably facing a fear that you will compromise your values (in your case, honesty, independence and intellectual consistency) in order to make connections. Thus your Fi is perhaps the cause of your "phobia" of Fi.
 

Recoleta

No me digas, che!
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I guess I'm just kind of scared in losing myself in other people, so to speak.

I don't know how much this would help, but I used to be very shy and withdrawn too, so I can relate to this statement a bit. Letting people get close to you and see you for all your good qualities AND faults (yes, we all have them) can be a very difficult and scary thing to do...especially in the beginning. However, I have found through much practice and awkward moments that it gets easier over time, and more, you might just discover that people can actually help you find yourself -- as in they give you another perspective where they can see parts of you that may be weak or need improvement and the parts of you where you really excel. Letting people get close to you is one of the most dangerous and yet most wonderful things that you can have happen. I guess all that to say, life is not about playing it safe and analyzing everything...sometimes you just have to try something new and learn from the experience.
 

heart

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uberfuhrer
I guess I'm just kind of scared in losing myself in other people, so to speak.


I fear being controlled by people. I can't stand insincerity in emotion. I am not sure if that is the same thing.
 

The Ü™

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uberfuhrer
I guess I'm just kind of scared in losing myself in other people, so to speak.


I fear being controlled by people. I can't stand insincerity in emotion. I am not sure if that is the same thing.

Well, I fear that, but also I fear losing my sense of self -- my individuality.
 

Athenian200

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I'm probably not the best person to help you here. I've had a lot of friends, but most of them weren't close to me. All I wanted out of them was occasionally empathy and support, and then I could return to my books. I never really cared about authenticity. The only changes I've noticed are that I increasingly appreciate honesty, criticism, intelligence, and consistency. (Could that be a result of Ti?)

So, why do people affect your sense of individuality? Just because you talk to someone doesn't mean they change who you are. You're Uberfuhrer, the dark, angry, violent, Loki-esque jester of counter-culture who likes Nazis, Wicca, and anything contrary to normal values. Your jokes make me want to laugh and shudder at the same time. You're the witty, urbane yet crude sociopath we've all come to know and... tolerate. Seriously, though, our lives would not be the same without you. Does this help?
 

heart

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Well, I fear that, but also I fear losing my sense of self -- my individuality.

If you pick friends who value their own individuality I think they would also be more respectful of keeping proper boundaries and not trying to infringe on yours.
 

Mempy

Mamma said knock you out
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I've had a lot of friends, but most of them weren't close to me.
Same here.

Well, I fear that, but also I fear losing my sense of self -- my individuality.

That's possible. It is easy to lose yourself in others. I think that my fear is that others may disapprove of me, and it's hard to conquer that fear. I've behaved in ways for no other reason than I wanted to be liked and loved.

But I've realized that I don't need others' approval. I know that I can't depend on outward circumstances, including people, to make me happy. And that frees me up to be whatever I am.

I know what it's like to conform to a self-image. It's imprisoning. On message boards I'm rather fond of the image of advice-giver, but that sort of boxes me into one mode of responding, as does identifying with, say, the assertive, independent person. The problem with self-images is that they're either one- or two-dimensional. They hide lots of aspects of your personality, perfectly endearing aspects that everyone has whether they show them or not. It's confusing and scary to depend on keeping up your self-image. It's so much more liberating to be who you are without limiting yourself to one mode of being. I know how impossible that goal seems sometimes, though.

However, when I'm not concerned with gaining others' approval, I can be myself. Once you have the confidence to not always get approval, it's not as scary, and for some reason that lifts the heavy curtain and allows you to show all of yourself, good, bad, everything.

I enjoy my friends in a completely selfish way. I enjoy them as people. They make me laugh, they tell me stories, they entertain me, support me, and help me have fun. But I don't see this as sucking their blood - if they're unhappy giving me their affection, jokes and support, I don't want them. But I think they actually really enjoy sharing their fun and joy with me because this is exactly how I feel toward our friendship, and they just seem happy to be around me.

Joy that is shared is multiplied. Thus it's like Jesus's supply of fish and bread: there was one basket or something but it multiplied to feeds thousands, therefore by sharing it, they weren't actually depleting it. Joy is something that can't be bought, borrowed or stolen. It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give. Joy, knowledge, support, insight - when they're shared, they're not lost.
 
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