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Functions and comforting others

B

beyondaurora

Guest
Last night I encountered an all too familiar situation in my family.

My sister, having just had a fight with her boyfriend over the telephone, momentarily broke down crying to my mom and me.

My mom looked at me, I looked at my mom, we both contorted our faces into "I don't know what to say" positions, after which my sister looked down at the floor.

A moment later, my mom said, "I'm really sorry you're going through this."

There was a pause, then I said, "you know, our family really sucks at this."

It's true. I never really know what to say to make someone feel better. In the moment of their pain, I can sense their discomfort, but it is difficult for me to open my arms for a hug. And oddly enough, this is most often the case with those in my family, whereas with strangers, I am more apt to embrace them. I am also not much help when it comes to verbal comfort either; stock responses like, "it'll be okay" (when I have I no idea that it will!) are usually the first things that come to mind.

I'm imagining how the different function combinations or temperaments would respond in the situation above. For example, I could see SF types being more physically comforting with NF's comforting with their words.

I'm also wondering if the similar approach (or lack thereof) that my mom, sister and I take to each other's pain points to sharing temperaments or functions.

I'd appreciate any thoughts!
 

Engler

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That's interesting, I had always assumed that INFPs were relatively good at comforting others.

I am terrible at comforting others when they are physically present. It seems as though they expect me to embrace them, and tell them things that may or may not be true, if only to bring them temporary comfort.

However, I am relatively good at "comforting" others over the internet, as this seems to give me more time to collect my thoughts, so that I might tactfully tell them something that is both within the boundaries of reason and comforting.
 

placebo

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I have to say I am better at comforting friends (I don't know about strangers) than my family. There is this really strange feeling I get about comforting my family, possibly because of certain dynamics. Everyone is my elder, and it feels strange to me that I should be in a position of the comforter. As well, when I want to be comforted, my family usually does not with me. But with friends it is a lot easier to be a shoulder to lean on, physically and emotionally.
 

LindseyLadybug

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I think (for me anyway) it goes along with how well I know the person and how comfortable I am with them. If it's someone I really love and am close to, it's easier for me to hug them and say something like, "I'm so sorry they said that to you. That person is so messed up! I still love you and that's all that matters.", etc. If it's someone I'm not familar with, I get kinda stuck but I try. I guess it bothers me that it feels forced. I do end up forcing it though because I like being comforted when I cry....I would feel even worse if someone just sat there and stared at me. Plus, when someone is upset, most of the time they don't care if you know them well, they just want to be comforted.
 

LindseyLadybug

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There is this really strange feeling I get about comforting my family, possibly because of certain dynamics. Everyone is my elder, and it feels strange to me that I should be in a position of the comforter.

Yeah, same here to a certain extent.
 

Orangey

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I'm horrendous at comforting people. When I'm in a situation that calls for it, I usually say something brief (like "I'm so sorry") and then I leave as gracefully as possible, making it seem like I think they need space. Rarely works, and I usually look like a major asshole.

It's the same with family as with friends.
 

Simplexity

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It depends on the situation. In terms of straight emotional breakdowns I'm usually at a loss, I'm terrible at impulsive emotive reactions. I need time to contemplate. When it's a much calmer situation in terms of the ebb and flow I feel a lot more reassured. I think I've had a lot of experience because people really treat me like some sort of consultant. Friends, family, teachers, and significant others. I think sometimes the best thing is lending your ear. I'm rather willing and accepting of considering others view points and have a knack for expressing something in a manner that is both descriptive and enlightening of the situation.

The emotional severity of a situation is rather important I stress, though, online and in written form I feel I can even handle those situations. I think the biggest factor in my ability to comfort others is their ability to be in contemplative mode. I need something to put me at ease and allow me to contribute. The fleeting, explosive, intensive, and somewhat arbitrary emotions that we all fall victim to are nowhere near my domain of "expertise." I have an annoying habit of absorbing the emotional state of a situation, especially when it's in a more aggressive format. I can't even watch some emotionally intense scenes in movies sometimes for that reason. I like being detached in some essence. There needs to be somewhat of an agreement, that in addition to listening there will be some perspectives explored, if your looking for a couple nods and tissue sharing look elsewhere. I'm not about that at all. I flee.
 

miss fortune

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I suck at being comforting- first off, seeing people cry gives me an immediate, almost uncontrollable urge to be elsewhere. Secondly, I have no clue what to do to get them to stop crying since I'm not all that squishy or anything. It usually boils down to me doing something like singing them "walkin' on sunshine" and dancing and then offering to take them out for a drink to cheer up :doh:

my ESFJ friends are much better at comforting people- it's downright ENVIABLE!
 

The Ü™

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ESFjs and ISFps are the best at comforting and seducing.
 

BlahBlahNounBlah

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I try to offer practical advice.

If that doesn't work, I try to distract them.

And if that doesn't work, I: :unsure:
 

Pancreas

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I’m terrible at comforting people in a raw emotional state. I can usually figure out when I should have comforted someone but it doesn’t happen. It’s to awkward for me physically or even verbally comfort someone. Physically, because that’s not my domain, verbally because in those situations I can’t make the required BS sound sincere. Or I could, but I’m not willing to say what they want me to say.

On the other hand, I often find myself as the person who is consulted after they’ve calmed down, and just want to chat, be distracted, seek advice, or have someone listen to them. And this situation suits me, because I’m generally good at those things. I can help out someone I care for without having to feel insincere or out of my depth.
 

sarah

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Last night I encountered an all too familiar situation in my family.

My sister, having just had a fight with her boyfriend over the telephone, momentarily broke down crying to my mom and me.

My mom looked at me, I looked at my mom, we both contorted our faces into "I don't know what to say" positions, after which my sister looked down at the floor.

A moment later, my mom said, "I'm really sorry you're going through this."

There was a pause, then I said, "you know, our family really sucks at this."

It's true. I never really know what to say to make someone feel better. In the moment of their pain, I can sense their discomfort, but it is difficult for me to open my arms for a hug. And oddly enough, this is most often the case with those in my family, whereas with strangers, I am more apt to embrace them. I am also not much help when it comes to verbal comfort either; stock responses like, "it'll be okay" (when I have I no idea that it will!) are usually the first things that come to mind.

I'm imagining how the different function combinations or temperaments would respond in the situation above. For example, I could see SF types being more physically comforting with NF's comforting with their words.

I'm also wondering if the similar approach (or lack thereof) that my mom, sister and I take to each other's pain points to sharing temperaments or functions.

I'd appreciate any thoughts!


This is so understandable to me, and I think it's related to Fi. I can sense people's pain quite keenly, but be unable to say the right things that would mean something to that person, because the right things either don't come to mind, or if they do, it sounds trivial to say them aloud.

My INFP friend can say the right thing, but not necessarily at the exact time it needs to be said -- sometimes she needs to think about it.

My ENFJ husband, on the other hand, knows exactly what to say in order to comfort someone, and when he does, he can be genuine, heartfelt and real about it. I think it's the dominant Fe.

(And as you say, I'm much better at giving hurting people physical comfort or physical expressions of love than verbal expressions. Often I just tell people I care about them and I'm willing to listen, but that I don't have anything profound to say.)
 

Kestrel

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My INFP friend can say the right thing, but not necessarily at the exact time it needs to be said -- sometimes she needs to think about it.

My ENFJ husband, on the other hand, knows exactly what to say in order to comfort someone, and when he does, he can be genuine, heartfelt and real about it. I think it's the dominant Fe.

(And as you say, I'm much better at giving hurting people physical comfort or physical expressions of love than verbal expressions. Often I just tell people I care about them and I'm willing to listen, but that I don't have anything profound to say.)

Hmm, I'm still not 100% clear on how Fi is experienced. But based on what you said, Fi appears to have a more "in-the-body" physicality to it. Speaking for myself, if someone is going through some kind of emotional problems, I seem to always find some way of comforting them through words and gestures.

However if someone needs physical comfort, I'm often at a loss as to how to approach them without appearing insincere or smothering. I'm just not sure physical comfort is what they need, even if it is what they need.

In simple terms, during these kind of situations, I see Fi as pure empathy and Fe as outward compassion.
 

INA

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I suck at verbal comfort that is not a solution to the problem, so the comfort is along the lines of a hug + a variation of this, if I can get over myself enough to hack it:

128633704309323523.jpg
 

amigone

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Well, lately I've been worse than usual at comforting. I used to really believe in me always knowing what to say. Lately, not so much. I feel as much as ever, but am more paralyzed nowadays. Speaking of most of my life however, I've actually seemed to shine my very brightest when I've been talking to someone in distress or hugging a crying person. I honestly want to be around when life's wrong. Because there is nothing that makes me happier than see someone rise from hardship. And if I could contribute a bit to it, talk someone through it, that would mean something to me.
 

Apollanaut

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Knowing the right thing to say or do to make a person feel better about a situation falls firmly within the territory of Fe. I'm not saying that FJ types are necessarily better at giving comfort than other types (that depends on a lot of other factors, including experience). It's just that we typically feel drawn and compelled to offer support to those who are in pain.

If I walk into a room and see someone crying, my immediate response will be to feel a rush of sympathy for the person, and then to offer whatever loving support seems appropriate. Listening to their story, offering gentle advice, giving them a big hug or just a simple touch - there is no one right way to suit everyone. Fe usually just "knows" what form of giving comfort is the most appropriate for an individual, especially if we know them at all well.

Other functions can play a part in providing comfort, of course, but they are only partially effective by their very nature. For example, Fi is wonderful for feeling other's pain and empathising (Fe itself relies on this - Fe without Fi is insincere), but it is often at a loss as to what to do to actually help someone. The Thinking functions are great for analysing a problem and suggesting a course of action, but are truly hopeless at giving a person loving space to process their emotions.
 

nozflubber

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I can easily comfort in the OP's situation by just applying "positve logic" or "genuine inquiry" to help the person feel like they can understand the situation and be in control. Words of wisdom CAN heal wounds, imo!


What I REALLY suck at is offering some loving support when really BAD things happen like losing a loved one. True story: one of my australian friend's grandfather died in a different city/province, and when told about this i actually said to her "wow, I'm so sorry..... have you ever been there?"
 

BerberElla

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Sep 25, 2008
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Last night I encountered an all too familiar situation in my family.

My sister, having just had a fight with her boyfriend over the telephone, momentarily broke down crying to my mom and me.

My mom looked at me, I looked at my mom, we both contorted our faces into "I don't know what to say" positions, after which my sister looked down at the floor.

A moment later, my mom said, "I'm really sorry you're going through this."

There was a pause, then I said, "you know, our family really sucks at this."

It's true. I never really know what to say to make someone feel better. In the moment of their pain, I can sense their discomfort, but it is difficult for me to open my arms for a hug. And oddly enough, this is most often the case with those in my family, whereas with strangers, I am more apt to embrace them. I am also not much help when it comes to verbal comfort either; stock responses like, "it'll be okay" (when I have I no idea that it will!) are usually the first things that come to mind.

I'm imagining how the different function combinations or temperaments would respond in the situation above. For example, I could see SF types being more physically comforting with NF's comforting with their words.

I'm also wondering if the similar approach (or lack thereof) that my mom, sister and I take to each other's pain points to sharing temperaments or functions.

I'd appreciate any thoughts!

Wow, So I am not a freaky INFP anymore because I have the exact same problem. :hug:

I can't reach out as easily as everyone else appears to be able to. I want to, I know that's what the person in distress needs, but I need to force myself to go past my discomfort before I can hug a person in need of comforting.

Good to know I'm not alone in this.
 
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