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ISTPs, INTPs and "Words of Affirmation"

Sunshine

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Do any of you Ti dominant types have words of affirmation as your love language?
 

Totenkindly

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No.

I don't even think I have one of those silly "love languages."

Every time I see that nutty list, it's "meh" all over again.
 

Sunshine

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No.

I don't even think I have one of those silly "love languages."

Every time I see that nutty list, it's "meh" all over again.

Have you ever seen more than the list? It doesn't really make much sense unless you've read a bit about each one.

Also, while the 5 languages theory may not always hold true in every instance the idea behind it is crucial for a healthy relationship; we need to know what communicates love to our loved ones or else they won't feel loved. So IMO it's not silly at all.

My ISTP brother's love language is physical touch.
 

Totenkindly

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Have you ever seen more than the list? It doesn't really make much sense unless you've read a bit about each one.

Yes, dear -- I read the books years ago.
The list is not comprehensive.

Coming up through Christian circles, I also got tired of everyone bringing it up like it was as profound as Kierkegaard.

Some people just don't fit the categories, and it was annoying to have people try to force me to be in one.
 

INA

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How do you escape having one language or the other (words, touch, being of service or or quality time or gifts)? What are some of the ways it leaves out?
 

ptgatsby

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They aren't comprehensive.

Indeed.

However, the languages can be learnt, which tells me that it is a good start for learning how to show love and mutual respect. I found it helpful for pulling away from myself and asking "If I was with myself, how would I feel? How can I show it better?".

In my eyes, it's a how-to self-help book. Nothing robust, but good enough if one desires to change and is willing to make the effort.


edit: For the OP - As a Ti dominant, it didn't come naturally, but I did do it a little already. I've learnt to do it a lot more since then.
 

Poser

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OMG. My wife just made me read this book. Was it wrong of me to lie and say mine was "physical touch"?
 

Sunshine

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Yes, dear -- I read the books years ago.
The list is not comprehensive.

Coming up through Christian circles, I also got tired of everyone bringing it up like it was as profound as Kierkegaard.

Some people just don't fit the categories, and it was annoying to have people try to force me to be in one.

I'm sure that must have been annoying. I'm sorry to hear that.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to force people into categories. I'm not. I'm just wondering because I see a pattern...none of the Ti dominants I know have or even like words of affirmation much.

And I dunno about profound but I've found this stuff very useful.
 

Poser

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I hope you don't think I'm trying to force people into categories. I'm not. I'm just wondering because I see a pattern...none of the Ti dominants I know have or even like words of affirmation much.

And I dunno about profound but I've found this stuff very usefull.

My real one was words of affirmation. But really, more so because none of the others fit.
 

Sunshine

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My real one was words of affirmation. But really, more so because none of the others fit.

Okay so much for that pattern.

Um are there other things that make you feel much more loved than words?
 

Kora

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That Words of Affirmation thing is what gets me on my nerves. I'd rather date a mute person than one which 'love language' is that. Why saying constantly something you know? Is better to show that you really care about the other person than go fullfilling your mouth with empty words...
I guess I'm more of a Quality Time person, if I should choose one.
 

Poser

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Okay so much for that pattern.

Um are there other things that make you feel much more loved than words?

Actions. But not acts of service. I mean, I would just feel patronized if they were just words of affirmation. Maybe it is a combination of everything? A kind word (but not put on too thick), a touch, wanting to spend time with me.
 

Jack Flak

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I don't know about this for myself. If I'm using someone else's tricks to fake something I don't really want to fake in the first place, I'd probably just rather be myself and screw it up like I usually do.
 

INA

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That Words of Affirmation thing is what gets me on my nerves. I'd rather date a mute person than one which 'love language' is that. Why saying constantly something you know? Is better to show that you really care about the other person than go fullfilling your mouth with empty words...

Amen.
 

Tallulah

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I think part of what Jennifer's saying (I might be wrong) is that it's not as simple as saying "this is what I value, so concentrate on that." I love words of affirmation, but not in a gooey way, like, "Gosh, you're so smart and special. Do you know how special you are?" ;) More like, if I'm stressed out and feeling like I'm not up for a certain challenge, someone reminds me how I'm prepared for it, and I've done a good job in the past, etc. I kind of like pet names if it's done in a non-patronizing way. Basically, you have to make sure the INTP/ISTP doesn't feel like you're doing it because you read it in a book, b/c that feels kind of weird and patronizing. We like to feel like we're unique, even when we're not. :smile:

I like touch, but not all the time. I love it when someone helps me out without my having to ask. I love it when someone spends time with me doing something I like to do, when I know it's not their favorite thing in the world. I think whatever you do, you should do it in the most low-key way possible. Making a big deal kind of negates the whole thing.
 

Totenkindly

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OMG. My wife just made me read this book. Was it wrong of me to lie and say mine was "physical touch"?

Oooooo..... you BRAT!!!! ;)

I'm gonna tell!

I'm sure that must have been annoying. I'm sorry to hear that.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to force people into categories. I'm not. I'm just wondering because I see a pattern...none of the Ti dominants I know have or even like words of affirmation much.

And I dunno about profound but I've found this stuff very useful.

No, you're not, I know.
And I'm being a spot cantankerous.

But then again, the thread was directed at IxTPs, so I figured I might as well be honest. (If it had been a general type thread, I wouldn't have said much.)

I just did not find it that useful at all.
I know for some people, esp if they line up with a particular giving/receiving style, it CAN be helpful.

And as PT says, the styles can still be "learned," and I think it does encourage positively the need to look at one's mate, see what THEY need as well as what THEY can give, and work with it.

I think part of what Jennifer's saying (I might be wrong) is that it's not as simple as saying "this is what I value, so concentrate on that." I love words of affirmation, but not in a gooey way, like, "Gosh, you're so smart and special. Do you know how special you are?" ;)

I wasn't really saying anything like that, but I agree with you -- I really hate the way sometimes people try too hard to do something authentic and make it inauthentic in the process. Uggh.

I can sense forced Words of Affirmation from two miles away, and I want to run and hide.


Basically, you have to make sure the INTP/ISTP doesn't feel like you're doing it because you read it in a book, b/c that feels kind of weird and patronizing. We like to feel like we're unique, even when we're not. :smile:

I think with IxTP, you have to remember there's a bullsh*t meter running all the time. If you're not doing something spontaneously, it's going to be pretty obvious... and inauthenticity is a major sin with the type.

The only way you get by with being inauthentic is if I sense you are actually trying to do it out of love, so I'll make an allowance for your intentions... but at the same time it doesn't make me FEEL good. :(

I like touch, but not all the time. I love it when someone helps me out without my having to ask. I love it when someone spends time with me doing something I like to do, when I know it's not their favorite thing in the world. I think whatever you do, you should do it in the most low-key way possible. Making a big deal kind of negates the whole thing.

Let me think about what matters to me... and maybe I have changed recently and fit a category better, I don't know. It's been some time since I read it, I just had a sour taste in my mouth from it in the past.

I feel loved when people notice me and think I'm worth noticing.

I feel loved when people do, say, or offer something that shows they understand (1) who I am and (2) what I really need and (3) care enough to engage.

I feel loved when I don't ask for help or protection or encouragement and someone notices I need it (because they are empathizing with me) and they go out of their way to step in without me even hinting I'd like it and just take the load off my back. (wow.)

I feel loved when I get letters out of the blue, where someone shares about their thoughts or meaningful experiences in their lives.

Where does that fit?
 

Sunshine

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I think part of what Jennifer's saying (I might be wrong) is that it's not as simple as saying "this is what I value, so concentrate on that." I love words of affirmation, but not in a gooey way, like, "Gosh, you're so smart and special. Do you know how special you are?" ;) More like, if I'm stressed out and feeling like I'm not up for a certain challenge, someone reminds me how I'm prepared for it, and I've done a good job in the past, etc. I kind of like pet names if it's done in a non-patronizing way. Basically, you have to make sure the INTP/ISTP doesn't feel like you're doing it because you read it in a book, b/c that feels kind of weird and patronizing. We like to feel like we're unique, even when we're not. :smile:

I like touch, but not all the time. I love it when someone helps me out without my having to ask. I love it when someone spends time with me doing something I like to do, when I know it's not their favorite thing in the world. I think whatever you do, you should do it in the most low-key way possible. Making a big deal kind of negates the whole thing.

I think you brought up some really good points. Thanks. :)
 

Randomnity

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Basically, you have to make sure the INTP/ISTP doesn't feel like you're doing it because you read it in a book, b/c that feels kind of weird and patronizing. ...

I think whatever you do, you should do it in the most low-key way possible. Making a big deal kind of negates the whole thing.
I agree.

I don't really have a clear-cut favourite, I think they're all nice, but words of affirmation is fairly unimportant, if I had to rank them.
 

Totenkindly

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I agree.

I don't really have a clear-cut favourite, I think they're all nice, but words of affirmation is fairly unimportant, if I had to rank them.

Do they come with an accent of our choosing?
Hmmm.... maybe if they were spoken in french...
 

Orangey

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I don't know about this for myself. If I'm using someone else's tricks to fake something I don't really want to fake in the first place, I'd probably just rather be myself and screw it up like I usually do.

I agree with this. *and this was kind of my point in the thread about that Dale Carnegie book, for anyone involved in that discussion as well*

I think part of what Jennifer's saying (I might be wrong) is that it's not as simple as saying "this is what I value, so concentrate on that." I love words of affirmation, but not in a gooey way, like, "Gosh, you're so smart and special. Do you know how special you are?" ;) More like, if I'm stressed out and feeling like I'm not up for a certain challenge, someone reminds me how I'm prepared for it, and I've done a good job in the past, etc. I kind of like pet names if it's done in a non-patronizing way. Basically, you have to make sure the INTP/ISTP doesn't feel like you're doing it because you read it in a book, b/c that feels kind of weird and patronizing. We like to feel like we're unique, even when we're not. :smile:

I like touch, but not all the time. I love it when someone helps me out without my having to ask. I love it when someone spends time with me doing something I like to do, when I know it's not their favorite thing in the world. I think whatever you do, you should do it in the most low-key way possible. Making a big deal kind of negates the whole thing.

These are good points. I agree entirely.
 
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