Help with my ENFJ friend

[Jen]

I have an ENFJ friend who I think the world of (which rarely happens with me) and I cannot figure her out. At first glance she was intimidating but when we got to talking she was warm and so much nicer than I would have thought.

She is extremely active (personal trainer) and says she has ADD so that could be why I think she appears not so genuine at times. She's is everybody's friend but yet no ones friend, if that makes any sense.

What's up? Are ENFJ's typically flighty people?

PS She really is an ENFJ, she took the test online.

[Mempy]

I have an ENFJ friend who is somewhat the same. Going through a mental breakdown lately, she's been. I don't know if I'd be friends with her if I didn't know her from grade school.

Yeah, I sense that about my ENFJ friend too: she's everybody's friend yet no one's close friend. She admitted to me once that she didn't have any close friends, and in her state, I think that's exactly what she needs: people who understand her and have been through what she has, and can forgive her her serious flaws ATM.

She's a sweetheart, truly, but her extroversion and her current state lead her to give people the shaft and stand them up sometimes, myself included. She told me she'd meet me somewhere on campus about three times and didn't show up for any of them. It's not like /I/ was going out of my way to meet her - she just suggested it out of the blue all three times! After the second time I started seriously doubting if she had any sense of commitment. I think it's just her mindset right now. If I told her it upset me she'd probably get flustered and apologize profusely. Hehe. (*begins consciously wrapping the ENFJ tighter around her finger*)

No, but I know what you mean. I like my friend's sweetness and warmth. She just needs a little lovin' and some genuine encouragement, and maybe a kick in the arse.

[Santtu]

Well, ENFJ's official explanation is that they are about doing stuff for people in a sincere, selfless way. Now don't get me wrong, ENFJ's. You will have to proclaim that you wish people's best, and only their best, to both feel personal integrity and to influence them. You're not ENTJ.

ENTJ are are known for their direct influential style. Te and Fe differ in the aspect, that Fe takes extra care of external "niceness". So, ENFJ can't be the blunt, direct person in their game of influence, like the ENTJ. Still, influence they will. ENFJ will appeal to the agreeable things about their ideas.

Both (as probably all types) do good to their environments. Most people also accept that it's natural to strive for mutually benefitial agreements. Ni combined with Fe, xNFJ idealize their internal sense of self-worth and extend it to their actions with others. So they'll have to act in harmony with their idea that all people have self-worth. In fact, they may think that they are only allowed to act motivated by improvements to everyone equally, perhaps themselves excluded.

ENFJ has more difficult time with that than INFJ, because for the former, an extraverted judging function dominates. They want to do something (and quite a lot), but it must be in accordance of their idealized motivation in order for them to accept themselves. So, they have hard time accepting reciprocal altruism; I'm being good to you, because I want you to be good to me, too.

An ENFJ would do well to accept themselves as beneficiaries of their deals, too. Others surely accept them to benefit from what they do.

An ENFJ who's sense of intrinsic value for every human being has diminished will be prone to treat people as means to an end.

[Athenian200]

Originally Posted by Jen

I have an ENFJ friend who I think the world of (which rarely happens with me) and I cannot figure her out. At first glance she was intimidating but when we got to talking she was warm and so much nicer than I would have thought.

She is extremely active (personal trainer) and says she has ADD so that could be why I think she appears not so genuine at times. She's is everybody's friend but yet no ones friend, if that makes any sense.

What's up? Are ENFJ's typically flighty people?

PS She really is an ENFJ, she took the test online.

Actually, that makes sense. I think I used to feel like most ENFJ's (when I first met them) were trying to make themselves look good at my expense (or were planning to ask for a difficult favor) because they were being so nice, but after getting to know them I knew they were really just that nice.

The "everyone's friend thing" kind of makes sense. I have a tendency to talk to people I go to school with for a few minutes each day, long enough to figure out a few basic things about them in between talking about school work, but never really make them a friend or try to contact them outside of school. So it's like I have dozens of acquaintances, but few or no friends. Except in my case, I just spend most of my time alone because of this, as I can really only trust friends.

[Domino]

Goodness only knows, Jen. I would throw in a thought or two on the subject, but the ADD part makes a HUGE difference in anyone's behavior. I know two INTJ guys -- one has ADD, one does not. The ADD INTJ can be an utter handful, while the non-ADD guy is pretty placid.

[Jen]

Originally Posted by PinkPiranha

Goodness only knows, Jen. I would throw in a thought or two on the subject, but the ADD part makes a HUGE difference in anyone's behavior. I know two INTJ guys -- one has ADD, one does not. The ADD INTJ can be an utter handful, while the non-ADD guy is pretty placid.

Are you like Chucky, (friends till then end), or a bit flaky? Do you try to please so many people at once that they find it impossible for you to keep up?

[Domino]

Originally Posted by Jen

Are you like Chucky, (friends till then end), or a bit flaky? Do you try to please so many people at once that they find it impossible for you to keep up?

Me and Chucky are homies, yo. Unfortunately, lupus plays such a vampire on my energy that my friends have to understand that I can't be around or be the next to call in phone tag all the time. I make jokes about digging my closest friends up if they die because they aren't getting rid of me EVER.

A personal trainer would have energy to burn. Maintaining relationships shouldn't be difficult, unless she's spread herself too thin and finds she's juggling too many people at once? It's easy to get pulled in many directions, and I still have to resist the urge to do it, even when I'm sick. That's more a "I don't want people to hate me or think I don't care" than a "I'm flaky and don't wanna deal with so-and-so today".

How bad is the ADD?

[Jen]

Originally Posted by PinkPiranha

A personal trainer would have energy to burn. Maintaining relationships shouldn't be difficult, unless she's spread herself too thin and finds she's juggling too many people at once? It's easy to get pulled in many directions, and I still have to resist the urge to do it, even when I'm sick. That's more a "I don't want people to hate me or think I don't care" than a "I'm flaky and don't wanna deal with so-and-so today".

I'd like to think it's more like you've just described it.

How bad is the ADD?

I'm not sure. A lot of people seem throw that term around. I was once told by a crack pot who was supposed to be diagnosing our son that I had it! I still waiting for the right therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist to tell me exactly what is going on with my son. We just spent $1200.00 to have him evaluated by professionals and I am not totally satisfied with their diagnosis. I am thinking that his behavior is possibly linked to low blood sugar or diabetes. I am taking him to the pediatrician next week to see what they can do to check this. Off topic I know, but is on my mind 24/7.

[Domino]

You're right -- the ADD diagnosis has been thrown around A LOT and has almost lost all meaning. It's like saying "I'm stressed out" nowadays. Nobody takes it seriously. People with true ADD can make me CRAZY in two minutes so that's the litmus test I use. And even if she truly had ADD, like I say to my friend who has it, it's not a "get out of jail free" card to act like a flake or a jerk or (fill in the blanks). If she's not available to you, I'd just blow it off and see other people who actually make you a priority. You can make an assessment of her inconstancy from an objective distance.