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How Considerate Are You?

INTerran

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2016
Messages
131
I have a question for everyone. When you are in a relationship or starting to fall for someone, how much different are you with being considerate and/or willing to change perspectives or go along with the other person? How is this different from just family and friends?
 

blob

New member
Joined
Aug 29, 2017
Messages
49
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
4w5
It depends. Personally speaking i am generally polite and go along with whatever the other person suggests
Maybe you shouldnt really think too much about that
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I think how people are with their family or friends is the real measurement of their consideration, as that is what they will eventually be like with someone they like romantically once the initial infatuation and impressing one another has worn off.
 

Norrsken

self murderer
Joined
Nov 27, 2015
Messages
3,633
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I'm pretty accommodating, but if they try to become overly controlling, I'll seethe silently for a while until I just blow up and tell them that I'm my own person and to respect that.
 

Lark

Active member
Joined
Jun 21, 2009
Messages
29,569
I think how people are with their family or friends is the real measurement of their consideration, as that is what they will eventually be like with someone they like romantically once the initial infatuation and impressing one another has worn off.

I also think that if you observe how they interact with stranger or people in service or menial positions is insightful, I knew someone once who turned out to be a bit of a psycho, anyway, they were a real jerk when I was with them once, I mean proper abuse, towards a starbucks employee who asked their name for the cup they were buying. That ought to have been a clue.

The same guy was great, albeit slightly argumentative, with his friends or family but that was a front, I've known a couple of different people who fit the exact same profile and deliberately employ family or friends almost like props to tell a tale about them which will result in others dropping their guard around them.

When I post like this it makes me think about this part of the world but I guess its not restricted to here.
 

BlackCat

Shaman
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
7,038
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
In the context of a relationship I am way more considerate of my partner in the initial stages. So as to feel them out, to get a sense of what they're about, what their boundaries are, etc. This only doesn't work when they aren't just as considerate to you as you are to them. If they do something inconsiderate to me, I'll point it out, and explain it. Communication is necessary IMO in a healthy relationship. If they continue that action, then they are not worth my time. Once we get a sense of how the other is, we can commence the comfortable union!

As far as how I am with my friends I am also considerate, but it's different when they aren't your intimate partner. I always give my friends the light of day to talk, and share; and ask how they're doing etc. With a partner it's a sense of their problems can end up being your problems (their larger, life issues), whereas with a friend if they don't feel like talking about something, then let them do that.
 

Forever

Permabanned
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Aug 30, 2013
Messages
8,551
MBTI Type
NiFi
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3w4
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sx/so
By establishing limits, it usually ends alright unless its work related.

But if its sheer conversation. I don’t see why not that I can be their local non-practicing therapist :D
 
Last edited:

Warrior

Permabanned
Joined
Sep 23, 2017
Messages
462
MBTI Type
INTP
I think how people are with their family or friends is the real measurement of their consideration, as that is what they will eventually be like with someone they like romantically once the initial infatuation and impressing one another has worn off.
I agree. But then again the only person I really interact with in my family is my mom. (im a guy, btw, so double standard away), because my brother and I haven't talked in years, my sister lives with her husband and doesn't have time for me and also considers me embarassing, and i hardly see my brother in law. also, my dad, im sorry to say, is divorced and neglects me and has done so for quite a while. (im 18)
 

Agent Washington

Softserve Ice Cream
Joined
Jan 24, 2017
Messages
2,053
I'm... polite and considerate with everyone i meet

But I'll go out of my way to help someone I date, for instance, only after being with them for some time.
 

phoenix31

New member
Joined
Dec 11, 2015
Messages
290
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
9
I'm generally a considerate person, I think.

I don't have much dating experience, but with the relationships or semi-relationships I have had, I tend to bend and bend and bend and be so considerate that I have no healthy sense of self anymore. So I'm not currently dating. And figuring that one out. :)
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,036
MBTI Type
ISFP
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496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I'm not certain how to interpret 'considerate' here, but I tend to be rather flexible with living habits in relationships. This is partly because I was the youngest child and always shared a room. It tends to be kinda easy for me to adapt to concrete world changes.

I try to be considerate to remember the details of others' preferences about living habits, but it is hard for me, and it sometimes stresses me out because it seems arbitrary. I do forget and have to re-ask quite a bit, but I go along with whatever when I know what to do.

My rigidity tends to be in the emotional realm where certain things hurt me very badly and I can't find a way to adapt. My emotions are always the straining point in the relationships in different ways because I feel them too deeply. It isn't that I say stuff or have a temper, but I get hurt and can't seem to change my perspective about it.

I have some motivation to make up for it by being flexible with living and money habits because it isn't hard for me there. The contrast is notable for me.
 

hjgbujhghg

I am
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Jun 6, 2013
Messages
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Not much tbh. I ussually expect my partner would be the one to adapt to me. I'm not very willing to change my opinions, or much about myself. I don't like people who do this either, I think it's fake. When you're in a relationship you should love your partner for who they are not for who they've become for you. It's so selfish.
 

phoenix31

New member
Joined
Dec 11, 2015
Messages
290
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INFP
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9
Not much tbh. I ussually expect my partner would be the one to adapt to me. I'm not very willing to change my opinions, or much about myself. I don't like people who do this either, I think it's fake. When you're in a relationship you should love your partner for who they are not for who they've become for you. It's so selfish.

I think one can change opinions based on his/her surroundings without being fake. For instance, I tend to see all the different sides of an issue and often can't make up my mind so sometimes I just go with the flow of the people around me to make fewer waves, even though I myself don't have a strong opinion. I don't see that as pretending or fake, I just think it's being agreeable.

Also, life is just a series of changes, and if change happens all the time it's not unreasonable to think that people who come into our lives can influence the way we think about things or behave.

And as far as other types of situations like which restaurant you choose or how tidy the car is, etc, I don't think it is "fake" to work towards pleasing another person. I know some people pretend to be something they aren't in order to impress someone else, but I think plenty of others can easily make a genuine gesture of caring about others' opinions and preferences.
 

hjgbujhghg

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I think one can change opinions based on his/her surroundings without being fake. For instance, I tend to see all the different sides of an issue and often can't make up my mind so sometimes I just go with the flow of the people around me to make fewer waves, even though I myself don't have a strong opinion. I don't see that as pretending or fake, I just think it's being agreeable. Also, life is just a series of changes, and if change happens all the time it's not unreasonable to think that people who come into our lives can influence the way we think about things or behave. And as far as other types of situations like which restaurant you choose or how tidy the car is, etc, I don't think it is "fake" to work towards pleasing another person. I know some people pretend to be something they aren't in order to impress someone else, but I think plenty of others can easily make a genuine gesture of caring about others' opinions and preferences.
Caring about someone else’s opinion is different than changing your opinion to fit yourself in. I do care about the opinion of others and I can be considered of it. I just think you can do both be considered and have firm opinions.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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Caring about someone else’s opinion is different than changing your opinion to fit yourself in. I do care about the opinion of others and I can be considered of it. I just think you can do both be considered and have firm opinions.
I've noticed that people do often equate thinking the same as intimate connection. If people's ideas are too far apart it does inhibit the ability to make a connection, but there is also a way to not feel too much pressure when someone else relationally close thinks differently.

I started to end up in political debates with my family a fear years ago, when my own ideas drifted away from them, but I found it helped to focus on the underlying principle that everyone wants a society that is peaceful, healthy, etc. People often agree in principle, but have a different information set they are exposed to and so have different conclusions.

My boyfriend thinks the moon is an artificial satellite (spaceship), but I don't feel pressure to believe it and can enjoy the fact he comes up with ideas I probably wouldn't myself. It helps he's not dogmatic. Also, after a few glasses of wine it does start to seem more plausible. :D
 

Peter Deadpan

phallus impudicus
Joined
Dec 14, 2016
Messages
8,883
My boyfriend thinks the moon is an artificial satellite (spaceship), but I don't feel pressure to believe it and can enjoy the fact he comes up with ideas I probably wouldn't myself. It helps he's not dogmatic. Also, after a few glasses of wine it does start to seem more plausible. :D

Hahahaha, I had a boyfriend who was completely convinced that he was abducted by aliens as a child. I mean... I can't disprove it and it's not that I don't think other life forms exist, but that's definitely "out there." I just let him tell me his stories - they were entertaining enough.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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Hahahaha, I had a boyfriend who was completely convinced that he was abducted by aliens as a child. I mean... I can't disprove it and it's not that I don't think other life forms exist, but that's definitely "out there." I just let him tell me his stories - they were entertaining enough.
I like to never fully believe or dismiss much, so that makes it easier. One thing about the moon, though is that the statistical probability of a planet having a sun and moon perceived as exactly the same diameter from the surface (enabling complete eclipses) is infinitesimally small. There are other weird things about the moon too that I never knew. (fwiw we're both kinda hippies)
 

Peter Deadpan

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Joined
Dec 14, 2016
Messages
8,883
I like to never fully believe or dismiss much, so that makes it easier. One thing about the moon, though is that the statistical probability of a planet having a sun and moon perceived as exactly the same diameter from the surface (enabling complete eclipses) is infinitesimally small. There are other weird things about the moon too that I never knew. (fwiw we're both kinda hippies)

*intrigued*
 
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