Getting to see another side to Mr. INTJ

[INTerran]

The INTJ guy I'm seeing has had some kind of switch thrown or something. I'm seeing a whole other side to him in recent weeks. He has started straight up teasing me like crazy, particularly about my height (I'm only 5'3") and a couple of my quirks. I suppose he's more comfortable knowing that I'm not easily offended and will laugh right along with him or give him something snarky or sarcastic right back. Is this a typical type of behavior as you progress farther into a relationship?

 

[Sacrophagus]

INTJs slowly get out of their shell as the relationship gets deeper and more intimate, and you get to see more bits of the Bummock adagio. There is always more than meets the eye.

 

[Agent Washington]

yes. they like witty sparring

 

[blob]

I think he might be trying to get a reaction out of you

 

[INTerran]

That's intriguing. What kind of reaction may he be going for? And what are the possible motivations?

 

[Starry]

That's intriguing. What kind of reaction may he be going for? And what are the possible motivations?

I hesitate to respond here merely because I'm not in the mood to be precise and yet feel this is an area where I probably should be. I'm not in the mood to exact all the proper disclaimers but will at least say here that this is by no means a behavior common to INTJs but...

I have noticed that some INTJs...moreso with males...can begin this kind of teasing behavior. I think what it is...is an uncomfortableness with intimacy. In other words...at a moment where they might feel a sense of deeper feelings...where it might be appropriate to take intimacy to a deeper level with loving, supportive words, etc. they will push back against that and throw out teasing instead. <-This is why it can be difficult to get them to see how this behavior may start to wear on a person because they don't feel negative or menacing when they do it...and if you try to express yourself in this regard you will probably be met with "you are being too sensitive."


*edit: whoops...based on what I quoted I should say I personally do not think he is trying to get a reaction out of you. That's just my opinion though.

 

[Coriolis]

I have noticed that some INTJs...moreso with males...can begin this kind of teasing behavior. I think what it is...is an uncomfortableness with intimacy. In other words...at a moment where they might feel a sense of deeper feelings...where it might be appropriate to take intimacy to a deeper level with loving, supportive words, etc. they will push back against that and throw out teasing instead. <-This is why it can be difficult to get them to see how this behavior may start to wear on a person because they don't feel negative or menacing when they do it...and if you try to express yourself in this regard you will probably be met with "you are being too sensitive."

I can attest to this, and see myself doing it as well, not just in romantic relationships but even when friendships or other relationships are getting too deep, too fast. It's a way of putting the brakes on things, keeping some distance, which means staying in control. It may be done for other reasons as well.

On the other hand, some relationships just naturally incorporate alot of teasing and playful banter, due to the nature of the participants. From what the OP has written, I suspect this is more the case here.

 

[Starry]

I can attest to this, and see myself doing it as well, not just in romantic relationships but even when friendships or other relationships are getting too deep, too fast. It's a way of putting the brakes on things, keeping some distance, which means staying in control. It may be done for other reasons as well.

On the other hand, some relationships just naturally incorporate alot of teasing and playful banter, due to the nature of the participants. From what the OP has written, I suspect this is more the case here.

Yes! thank you for coming in and adding to my explanation because I felt it was incomplete.

What you describe is actually the only form of this behavior I've experienced out of an INTJ. I am being too gushy...or touchy-feely...or just downright too endearing in a relationship that really should maintain some form of distance.

I don't get the sense that the OP is in danger of making the mistake that I have made but it is worth mentioning that she should keep an ongoing assessment of how this is actually making her feel...this teasing. Being afflicted with the Positive Outlook sickness...I have a tendency to take it and take it (I'm not necessarily a banterer) without understanding that it is taking its toll...and then to my own dismay...out comes the Te sledgehammer to make everything especially weird.

I understand that the OP isn't bothered by it...but she needs to assess how she might feel if it continues on indefinitely...and if she thinks she will not like this...she needs to explain that she would like it to stop in a very logical and straightforward way.

 

[Coriolis]

I don't get the sense that the OP is in danger of making the mistake that I have made but it is worth mentioning that she should keep an ongoing assessment of how this is actually making her feel...this teasing. Being afflicted with the Positive Outlook sickness...I have a tendency to take it and take it (I'm not necessarily a banterer) without understanding that it is taking its toll...and then to my own dismay...out comes the Te sledgehammer to make everything especially weird.

I understand that the OP isn't bothered by it...but she needs to assess how she might feel if it continues on indefinitely...and if she thinks she will not like this...she needs to explain that she would like it to stop in a very logical and straightforward way.

If someone really is bothered by this sort of teasing/needling, they should be up front about it and say so; explain what bothers them and why, and ask that it stop or be limited. If an INTJ really cares for someone, they will generally respond to such a request because they really don't want to hurt the other person. Absent an explicit request, however, they will probably have no idea it is in fact bothersome, and will just carry on.

 

[Tilt]

I hesitate to respond here merely because I'm not in the mood to be precise and yet feel this is an area where I probably should be. I'm not in the mood to exact all the proper disclaimers but will at least say here that this is by no means a behavior common to INTJs but...

I have noticed that some INTJs...moreso with males...can begin this kind of teasing behavior. I think what it is...is an uncomfortableness with intimacy. In other words...at a moment where they might feel a sense of deeper feelings...where it might be appropriate to take intimacy to a deeper level with loving, supportive words, etc. they will push back against that and throw out teasing instead. <-This is why it can be difficult to get them to see how this behavior may start to wear on a person because they don't feel negative or menacing when they do it...and if you try to express yourself in this regard you will probably be met with "you are being too sensitive."


*edit: whoops...based on what I quoted I should say I personally do not think he is trying to get a reaction out of you. That's just my opinion though.

I agree with everything. The guy just sounds likes he's having fun and feels relatively comfortable with the OP. However, if he's using humor as a way to deflect serious conversations, then that might pose an issue.

But some types would probably feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy moreso than others.

Ha my IXTJ friends will sometimes flat out ignore emotional expression, but then reference their reactions to it months later long after I had forgotten about it... Like literally remembering conversations verbatim without bias and exaggeration...it's quite uncanny. It's as if they just stored it as a data point without responding.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I do this.

 

[Tilt]

I do this.

The person in my life who does this the most is my INFP brother. He rarely means any ill-intent. It's more a sign of affection and comfort. Ha

 

[Starry]

I agree with everything. The guy just sounds likes he's having fun and feels relatively comfortable with the OP. However, if he's using humor as a way to deflect serious conversations, then that might pose an issue.

But some types would probably feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy moreso than others.

Ha my IXTJ friends will sometimes flat out ignore emotional expression, but then reference their reactions to it months later long after I had forgotten about it... Like literally remembering conversations verbatim without bias and exaggeration...it's quite uncanny. It's as if they just stored it as a data point without responding.

Yah...I know I'm strict when it comes to this teasing behavior but this is basically deal-breaker territory for me when it comes to an intimate. And I've been teased in this fun-loving type way my entire life...hello ENFP <-come on. I think it is so funny too with friends or in the earliest, earliest stages of attraction with a dude (earliest-earliest). But once declarations of love and intent are made and a romantic partnership is formed - fuck no. I've seen this behavior become a runaway train...perpetually blocking the deepening of a relationship under the guise of *funny* and it will often morph into disrespect...and so yah...I would shut down this behavior so fast if it were me...but again...not everyone is looking for what I am looking for in a relationship.

The way I see it is I've got approx 7 billion people all lined-up to take a "fun-loving" shot at me. I'm looking for one person that holds me up.

 

[Tilt]

Yah...I know I'm strict when it comes to this teasing behavior but this is basically deal-breaker territory for me when it comes to an intimate. And I've been teased in this fun-loving type way my entire life...hello ENFP <-come on. I think it is so funny too with friends or in the earliest, earliest stages of attraction with a dude (earliest-earliest). But once declarations of love and intent are made and a romantic partnership is formed - fuck no. I've seen this behavior become a runaway train...perpetually blocking the deepening of a relationship under the guise of *funny* and it will often morph into disrespect...and so yah...I would shut down this behavior so fast if it were me...but again...not everyone is looking for what I am looking for in a relationship.

The way I see it is I've got approx 7 billion people all lined-up to take a "fun-loving" shot at me. I'm looking for one person that holds me up.

Yes. Depending on the context, extent and frequency of it, it could just as easily be a sign of emotional immaturity.

 

[Starry]

Yes. Depending on the context, extent and frequency of it, it could just as easily be a sign of emotional immaturity.

How am I to get beyond my own emotional immaturity if I'm being teased about it?

 

[INTerran]

It was really interesting to go back and read this thread and think about how things have changed and how they have not. Mr. INTJ and I have developed a pattern to our teasing/use of sarcasm that we are both comfortable with. I can pretty much predict how he will respond to certain things. It’s quite humorous. He is getting better with sensing when he’s pushing something too far before I even say something. And I’m now able to tell when he has taken something I’ve said the wrong way. I like the familiarity between us that has developed. It’s taken quite a bit of patience and time, but it’s awesome to know someone, understand someone, and have them understand you.

 

[Amberiat]

It was really interesting to go back and read this thread and think about how things have changed and how they have not. Mr. INTJ and I have developed a pattern to our teasing/use of sarcasm that we are both comfortable with. I can pretty much predict how he will respond to certain things. It’s quite humorous. He is getting better with sensing when he’s pushing something too far before I even say something. And I’m now able to tell when he has taken something I’ve said the wrong way. I like the familiarity between us that has developed. It’s taken quite a bit of patience and time, but it’s awesome to know someone, understand someone, and have them understand you.

Seems like your relationship has matured very well. Congratulations on the healthy relationship, there aren't many people who get to enjoy them nowadays.