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  1. #1

    Default Supporting an INTJ during a period of grief

    The INTJ I'm seeing just lost his paternal grandmother. I don't think the typical ways of giving comfort and support to people during a time like this would be something an INTJ would be appropriate or appreciated for him. How would you want to be supported and comforted?

  2. #2
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTerran View Post
    The INTJ I'm seeing just lost his paternal grandmother. I don't think the typical ways of giving comfort and support to people during a time like this would be something an INTJ would be appropriate or appreciated for him. How would you want to be supported and comforted?
    How do you know the typical ways of giving comfort and support wouldn't be appropriate or appreciated by an INTJ. Did you ask the INTJ in question?
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    Listrn, be present, and quality time. Let them work through their emotions. how i work with ones i know. Interject when they do something complely stupid/retarded out of emotions. Make sure they know its not a burden
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  4. #4

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    Sorry for not being as specific as I should have. Knowing him I don't think the typical ways of comfort would work for him. But no ceecee I have not asked him.

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    From my experience, just be consistently there for him but don't coddle and make a huge deal of the situation. Don't force any deep, emotional talks but if he wants to talk, listen.
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    Mastermind Fieldmarshal Sacrophagus's Avatar
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    Just listen to his thoughts and be present. That's all. Your proximity and warmth is all that is needed. No words can be of true consolation but your being there for him.

    I was in a dreadful state when I lost my parents. When someone would come and say "Is there anything I can do to help at all?", I'd reply "Yeah. Unless you can bring back the dead or reverse the ticks of time, you can do nothing."
    Though I appreciated their intentions, their words were of no consolation at a time one is ravaged by a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. I was especially spiteful of people trying to force the "Everybody dies", and other axiomatic inanities.
    It has to do with how one feels and the relationship he has with the departed. Let him sort off his emotions, and if he wants space, give him space.
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  7. #7
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTerran View Post
    The INTJ I'm seeing just lost his paternal grandmother. I don't think the typical ways of giving comfort and support to people during a time like this would be something an INTJ would be appropriate or appreciated for him. How would you want to be supported and comforted?
    When I have been in a similar situation, what I wanted most from others is simply to let me live my life as normal. Of course the situation wasn't normal; I could feel like the bottom had dropped out of my world, or an entire dimension had collapsed in on itself. But life goes on, whether we are ready or not. Being able to go to work and participate in my other activities as usual was very comforting, as if to reassure me that not every part of life is in disarray, and yes, there are things I can still influence, even if not the passing of my loved one.

    The last thing I wanted was inquiries, and the sort of tepid or sappy sympathy typically offered at such times. This is why, when my father passed away a few years ago, I made absolutely no mention of it here. I didn't want to deal with the inevitable reactions, however well-meaning. In RL, I wanted (and tolerated) just the briefest recognition from most people: "I'm sorry your [friend/relation] died," then move on. The few closest to me might add: "let me know if there is anything I can do". As with many other things, I work through loss and grief best on my own, and I understand that is fairly common for INTJs.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...
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  8. #8

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    Buy him a nice bottle of top shelf Kentucky Whiskey or Blended Scotch. Drink some neat (or on the rocks) with him, and have a deep discussion about the universe. Middle shelf is okay if you're on a budget but none of that bottom shelf rotgut stuff--if you buy bottom shelf then you'd better get some mixers. If he chooses to open up and talk about his deceased kin, be supportive and listen, but don't push him to open up or spill his emotions.

    Do this with Hanson's Second Symphony on in the background.

    Sip, don't gulp.
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    Senior Member Cat Brainz's Avatar
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    Personally I would try to see him as a human being not a INTJ or any MBTI type. No two INTJs are the same and since you know him I would guess you know what he likes and dislikes in those kind of situations. A lot of INTJs confide in a trusted person from the ones I have known and if he feels he can confide in you he probably will.

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    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    When I have been in a similar situation, what I wanted most from others is simply to let me live my life as normal.
    This is exactly what I would want. My grandmother died in January and my husband was a little more broken up about it than me, outwardly but he was as close to her as I as. She was 93, she died in her sleep. The day of the funeral he was like - this whole time I've somewhat forgotten that it's your grandmother that died. But I didn't need him to do anything different. I would rather come to people when/if I need something than the other way around.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
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