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  1. #11
    Butterfly Amargith's Avatar
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    Mine didnt lose anyone, but it was close. His mom was in an artificial coma for a bit. I was with him when he got the news. First thing i said was: i would go home with you if i could ( i was a student and we were in another country)He bought us two tickets on the spot, so i know he wanted me tgere for it.The rest of the week i was there, i made no mention of things, helped with household chores and made myself available for lots of physical contact. A touch here, holding his hand, having him lean against me in the couch - he set the pace. I talked about her when he brought it up, and just asked questions about the things he volunteered, and stopped when he stopped talking.

    I find that checking in on how theyre doing is best done physically without words and talking about things that need doing and solving gets them out of that mind brooding they sometimes need a break from. When they do talk about it, just listening and providing a sounding board does the trick.

    I do find they eventually need to talk about it to resolve it, however brief, but it often occurs after some time has passed - sometimes even months.
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  2. #12

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    Thanks everyone for the responses. I know most people are well-meaning in their sympathies, but so much of what people say is useless for the person going through the process of loss and grief, and he more than anyone I know wouldn't put much stock in empty words and platitudes that can't fix anything. I texted him (only because he hates actually talking on the phone) letting him know that I was sorry for the loss and that he was in my thought and prayers. He said thanks. He was doing ok-ish. And then we moved on to other topics. The memorial is tomorrow night, so I will be present him and the rest of the family, because I'm quite close to all of them.

  3. #13
    failed poetry slam career chubber's Avatar
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    I'm GROOT.
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  4. #14
    SpaceCadetGoldStarBrigade Population: 1's Avatar
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    Everyone is different. I mean as in individuals dealing with grief. I know I didn't want to talk about it and although 'I'm so sorry' is the mantra everyone chants after the hundredth time it rings more hollow than an empty oil tanker. Men are also trained to stuff everything away so it can be even more difficult to broach the subject. Offer no advice unless asked and simply be the person you've already been. If he wants to he will talk about it. Your presence should be a great comfort in and of itself. I was alone as far a SO when it happened so that option of having someone really close to me didn't exist. Perhaps I would have opened up at least to them.
    To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity. Douglas Adams

    As per orders of the No likes experiment I am not liking posts for the duration.
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  5. #15
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by asynartetic View Post
    Buy him a nice bottle of top shelf Kentucky Whiskey or Blended Scotch. Drink some neat (or on the rocks) with him, and have a deep discussion about the universe. Middle shelf is okay if you're on a budget but none of that bottom shelf rotgut stuff--if you buy bottom shelf then you'd better get some mixers. If he chooses to open up and talk about his deceased kin, be supportive and listen, but don't push him to open up or spill his emotions.

    Do this with Hanson's Second Symphony on in the background.

    Sip, don't gulp.
    This is so specific it made me laugh but it is a non-generic suggestion! I like it
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  6. #16
    Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Population: 1 View Post
    Everyone is different. I mean as in individuals dealing with grief. I know I didn't want to talk about it and although 'I'm so sorry' is the mantra everyone chants after the hundredth time it rings more hollow than an empty oil tanker. Men are also trained to stuff everything away so it can be even more difficult to broach the subject. Offer no advice unless asked and simply be the person you've already been. If he wants to he will talk about it. Your presence should be a great comfort in and of itself. I was alone as far a SO when it happened so that option of having someone really close to me didn't exist. Perhaps I would have opened up at least to them.
    My general response to people instead of "I'm so sorry" is "man, that sucks".

  7. #17
    Sheriff of Fabletown... Gentleman Jack's Avatar
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    My best friend is an INTJ; during periods of "grief" I dont act any differently around him than normal. We don't talk about it, unless he brings it up, and that's usually over a project we're working on together, so the focus is more on what we're doing than what we're talking about, for me at least, I have no idea what he gets out of it, because I dont ask; I'm the one he calls when he's down, so I guess it works. But yeah neither of us do particularly well with overly cloying displays of sympathy...well intended though it may be...but everyone's different.
    With all Due Respect,
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    I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me...


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    On a gathering storm comes a tall handsome man; in a dusty black coat with a red right hand...
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  8. #18
    Dream without Hesitation Dreamer's Avatar
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    My general approach towards anyone really, is to provide a safe space for them to come if they wish, to let them know I'm there for them if they need, but I really don't approach them much at all. I like to check in on occasion with a simple "how are you doing?" but if they don't respond with much I leave it at that. But checking in like that, also serves to keep that metaphorical, and emotional door open, should they wish to step in at any time.

    I've gotten plenty of flak from more emotionally expressive types because of this, particularly when growing up, and certainly, when my dad died. That was a horrible experience as I not only had to put up with that, but contend with my own emotions of the situation at the time. I've had friends complain to me asking why I don't care more. But, all of this is a misunderstanding of course, as I DO care for others. Quite a bit actually. It's just that I respect their space to grieve, to feel pain, to endure. It's how I prefer to be treated most often, to be left alone, so I take that approach with others.

    If I sense a person is going downhill and no longer merely "feeling" but getting into more dangerous territory, that's when I more actively extend my hand to help them out. There's never a hard-defined rule or approach though, as each person responds differently and you just have to feel them out. Approach them in a way that feels right at the time.

    With this INTJ friend of yours, perhaps there are other ways you can be with them and to support them. Support doesn't always come in the way of emotions.
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  9. #19
    :)))))))))))))) No agentwashington's Avatar
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    Te appreciates practical ways of helping. An INTJ will surely appreciate it if you could re-birth his/her grandma.
    “[Capitalism] as it exists today is, in my opinion, the real source of evils. I am convinced there is only one way to eliminate these grave evils, namely through the establishment of a socialist economy, accompanied by an educational system which would be oriented toward social goals.”
    ― Albert Einstein, Why Socialism?

    “The evils of capitalism are as real as the evils of militarism and evils of racism.”
    ― Martin Luther King Jr.

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