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How does an ENFJ feel after rejecting someone?

Vavazhan

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i was in a complicated relationship (long distance) with an enfj for a year, and i thought he really really liked me, but two days ago, after he took me out on our first and probably last date (which went really well actually) I asked him over text if he still liked me and said that we needed to decide wether we were friends or more. His response was ; 'im very happy about your feelings for me but as expected i can't be with you. Sorry. But I want to remain friends with you always!' And then I said 'oh, right. I'm sorry' and then he said 'yeah, let's have a meetup with our friends when you come again' and I said 'sure' and he hasnt responded to that and in my experience he probably won't. At first I was very very angry and hurt, especially since he didnt even give me an explaination or tell me wether he still liked me but I dont want to ask for it if he doesnt want to tell me. He did update his status to 'please don't hate me.' yesterday which is probably directed at me. I thought that was kind of a selfish thing to say and I still dont understand why he pretended to like me so much for that long if he didnt even want to be with me. But then again, I still do love him even though sometimes when I'm not physically there I feel like he doesn't care about me at all. So, do you think he's feeling sad too? Maybe he's doing great but if he was feeling sorry for me I'd feel terrible. And how can I help him feel better? Or do you think he's fine?
 

Typh0n

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Maybe he's playing with you; enfjs are known to do that sometimes when they don't know what they want.
 

Tilt

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[MENTION=34468]Vavazhan[/MENTION]: He likes you as a person but he isn't romantically interested ENOUGH. And if I can tell someone is trying to push the boundary, I will do things to create a distance.

This is just my experience from leading several people on. :(
 

Vavazhan

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Thank you!! It's just... he bought me Ice cream and gave me a very special present, he asked me to go see him perform in a play and he repeatedly complimented me on my appearance and talent so it is extremely confusing since no one else treats me this way, and this was all just one week before he rejected me. I'm slowly accepting the situation but I'm still having a hard time understanding whether it is the distance, timing, cultural/language barrier or just me that is the problem. Why would he act interested if he is not and just break my heart!?!!!?
anyways, I don't want to lose him and he did say that he wants to be my friend forever. But he's not replying to my last text message ('yeah'), either because he cant be bothered to make an effort to change the topic or because he knows he hurt me and feels bad. What do you suggest I do now? Do I wait a bit longer or should I try to talk to him now? It's been 3 days and we used to talk everyday.
 

Tilt

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Thank you!! It's just... he bought me Ice cream and gave me a very special present, he asked me to go see him perform in a play and he repeatedly complimented me on my appearance and talent so it is extremely confusing since no one else treats me this way, and this was all just one week before he rejected me. I'm slowly accepting the situation but I'm still having a hard time understanding whether it is the distance, timing, cultural/language barrier or just me that is the problem. Why would he act interested if he is not and just break my heart!?!!!?
anyways, I don't want to lose him and he did say that he wants to be my friend forever. But he's not replying to my last text message ('yeah'), either because he cant be bothered to make an effort to change the topic or because he knows he hurt me and feels bad. What do you suggest I do now? Do I wait a bit longer or should I try to talk to him now? It's been 3 days and we used to talk everyday.

Like I said, he values you as a friend but nothing more. There are men who I love dearly as people but would never pursue romance with.

ENFJs are known for knowing how to make others feel "special".
 

Novella

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I would give him space. Let him do the work now to rebuild the friendship. People take generosity of spirit for granted, step back, take a breath and let him prove how much the friendship means to him. Don't be that person that does all the work in a friendship. It demeans your worth. All the best :)
 

á´…eparted

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Ask yourself if you can be friends with him without stress of negative feelings effecting how you feel about him. If you can't? Push him out and move on.
 
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It could also depend on your type. How your type interprets displays of affection vs how he as a ENFJ projects it.

I've heard for instance INFPs and ENFJs can make a good couple. However, the INFP can display affection for their partners that they see as exclusively for that person. It's not a part of themselves they share easily. Whereas an ENFJ may tend to be affectionate with many people (platonically) but the INFP will become jealous because they associate that display with a romantic partner only. So he may be being his friendly self which he is with everyone and not realize it is analyzed differently by you and taken as exhibiting something more serious. Perhaps it's a case of lost in translation between the two of you.
 

Tilt

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It could also depend on your type. How your type interprets displays of affection vs how he as a ENFJ projects it.

I've heard for instance INFPs and ENFJs can make a good couple. However, the INFP can display affection for their partners that they see as exclusively for that person. It's not a part of themselves they share easily. Whereas an ENFJ may tend to be affectionate with many people (platonically) but the INFP will become jealous because they associate that display with a romantic partner only. So he may be being his friendly self which he is with everyone and not realize it is analyzed differently by you and taken as exhibiting something more serious. Perhaps it's a case of lost in translation between the two of you.

My ENFJ guy friend: "X, you know I love you, right?"

Another time, "Out of all my friends, nothing compares to what we have here."

Although he thinks that I am pretty. he would never date me... but he loves me as friend. ENFJs will tend to go ALL OUT for those that they want to pursue... initiation and such.
 
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My ENFJ guy friend: "X, you know I love you, right?"

Another time, "Out of all my friends, nothing compares to what we have here."

Although he thinks that I am pretty. he would never date me... but he loves me as friend. ENFJs will tend to go ALL OUT for those that they want to pursue... initiation and such.

Thanks for weighing in on my comment as an ENFJ. :) I'm just going off what I've read as our two types are often paired up theoretically. Honestly, I'm still figuring out the major and subtle differences between types. Being on these forums is a good learning experience.
 

Tilt

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Thanks for weighing in on my comment as an ENFJ. :) I'm just going off what I've read as our two types are often paired up theoretically. Honestly, I'm still figuring out the major and subtle differences between types. Being on these forums is a good learning experience.

You're welcome. ENFJs usually like to show their interest and excitement for people... especially in the moment. That genuine but intense display of emotion catches people off-guard and sometimes gets misconstrued as romantic interest. And this quality, coming from a male, is like a drug to many women.

As a female ENFJ, I had a lot of males tell me how strong of a connection they felt with me... sometimes just after ONE conversation. I have been told that I actually seem curious to get know who the person really is.
 

SearchingforPeace

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When I had just started dating my wife (ISFP), she wasn't willing to let anyone know about us. One night, we were invited to a friend's apartment. We arrived separately and I arrived first.

I was very excited to see my GF. I chatted with our friend's roommate, until my GF arrived.

The next Monday, a classmate told me that I had a new "love". I was very confused, as the classmate had no idea about my GF.

The story soon came out. One of the friend's roommates took my friendliness as interest. She told everyone she knew that I was interested in her. She was so empathic that my classmates struggled to accept my protestations.

All too often, I have had others take my ENFJ-ness as interest.....
 

á´…eparted

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You're welcome. ENFJs usually like to show their interest and excitement for people... especially in the moment. That genuine but intense display of emotion catches people off-guard and sometimes gets misconstrued as romantic interest. And this quality, coming from a male, is like a drug to many women.

As a female ENFJ, I had a lot of males tell me how strong of a connection they felt with me... sometimes just after ONE conversation. I have been told that I actually seem curious to get know who the person really is.

I am male so I can't entirely comment, but I have some things I can share that are in this vein.

When I teach, I will always have some students that metaphorically fall in love with me. I actually had one persue me on OKCupid many years ago while he was my student (promptly informed my dept. and they dealt with it). Several of my good friends have had me as a teacher before we became friends and they all told me that when I teach I am so emotive passionate and genuine that it's hard not to get interested in the material or not like me. I think nothing of it. I am just doing something I enjoy doing and people really like me because of the emotion I give off.

I need to be in the right environment and be given the right reason, but I can make people fall in love with me very quick (ok, not literally, but you get the idea). All I do is show interest, be very expressive, and respond to my environment in a friendly manner (not just to the person I am speaking with). It's essentially schmoozing, which comes natural.

Since I was young, I have had a lot of people comment to me that they don't know why they opened up to me as much as they did, it just sort of happened. It comes with them saying they felt connected and like I somehow "got" them.

On the flip side though? I can easily turn all of this off at the drop of the hat if I want to or need to. If I am with someone I don't care for, don't like, or flat out want them to not connect to me at all, I'll flip the switch, none of the above will occur, and that will be that. With me, if I like someone, am neutral, or dislike someone, it's VERY clear. Reading between the lines for that sort of thing is really not needed. Sometimes I give off mixed signals; if I do then the linking of someone is not strong or isn't even there. I think that's a common mistake people make- mixed signals usually means marginal interest at best.
 

Tilt

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I am male so I can't entirely comment, but I have some things I can share that are in this vein.

When I teach, I will always have some students that metaphorically fall in love with me. I actually had one persue me on OKCupid many years ago while he was my student (promptly informed my dept. and they dealt with it). Several of my good friends have had me as a teacher before we became friends and they all told me that when I teach I am so emotive passionate and genuine that it's hard not to get interested in the material or not like me. I think nothing of it. I am just doing something I enjoy doing and people really like me because of the emotion I give off.

I need to be in the right environment and be given the right reason, but I can make people fall in love with me very quick (ok, not literally, but you get the idea). All I do is show interest, be very expressive, and respond to my environment in a friendly manner (not just to the person I am speaking with). It's essentially schmoozing, which comes natural.

Since I was young, I have had a lot of people comment to me that they don't know why they opened up to me as much as they did, it just sort of happened. It comes with them saying they felt connected and like I somehow "got" them.

On the flip side though? I can easily turn all of this off at the drop of the hat if I want to or need to. If I am with someone I don't care for, don't like, or flat out want them to not connect to me at all, I'll flip the switch, none of the above will occur, and that will be that. With me, if I like someone, am neutral, or dislike someone, it's VERY clear. Reading between the lines for that sort of thing is really not needed. Sometimes I give off mixed signals; if I do then the linking of someone is not strong or isn't even there. I think that's a common mistake people make- mixed signals usually means marginal interest at best.

Can relate... I become distant, aloof, and "introverted". I actually ghost on people or block them if I didn't really build a rapport with them. Once I had a guy online tell me within an hour of first contact that we would be best friends for life. I could tell that the guy meant no harm but I just didn't want to deal with it.

So how do you interpret the actions of the guy in the OP?

I perceive it as platonic with a tinge of guilt.
 

á´…eparted

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Can relate... I become distant, aloof, and "introverted". I actually ghost on people or block them if I didn't really build a rapport with them. Once I had a guy online within an hour of first contact that we would be best friends for life. I could tell that the guy meant no harm but I just didn't want to deal with it.

So how do you interpret the actions of the guy in the OP?

I perceive it as platonic with a tinge of guilt.

My guess is he initially was excited, and after a day had some time to think and realized it was just "new person excitement" and came down to earth. He was likely never all that invested to begin with, and I wouldn't be surprised if the "let's just be friends" bit is motivated by some guilt or trying to let them down easy. It would become apparent after some time of the OP went along with that. Personally, I think the OP should just move on to greener pastures, I don't seem them gaining anything at all from being friends. There might be something, but it's high risk low reward.

I used to ghost people in the past or block them, but I try and avoid that as much as I can. I usually aim for blunt and upfront now. It feels more fair, and in a lot of ways more natural; I just had to get over the fear factor. I am a lot more mindful of who I pull in now, so I don't have to deal with that sort of thing. It's fun for no one.
 

Vavazhan

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...He did give me a big heartshaped paper which said 'I love you' in my mothertounge after I did a 'goodbye' speech to my class before I moved away, but that was last year and now he seems to have forgotten. I guess he's just playing with me, since he doesnt really know me well. But it's really hard for me to let go since he was so important to me and I admire him so much as a person, he's really good at helping others and always doing his best and it's...rare. I just can't help it. I know it's probably not healthy for me, and it still really hurts, but I feel like he really needs someone to listen to him, (he seems to be really down since he rejected me) so I'm going to be there for him, and I hope we can become really good friends and actually get to know eachother well. But he's not saying anything, I always initiate our text conversations (although he always initiates our real life ones) . Which is why I'm still wondering if he even meant the 'i want us to be friends forever'...or he wants nothing to do with me, because I can't take anything he says too seriously anymore or I'll go crazy. I've never had a friend last for more than 4 years. I'm an 18 year old INFP in case anyone was wondering ^_^ thanks guys you ENFJs help a lot lol
 

Vavazhan

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Oh I forgot, how do i get close to ENFJs? What things do you like and what sorts of things do you find funny? How do i impress you and make you want to talk to me more?
 

Tilt

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Move on... You will come off desperate to the ENFJ.
 

SearchingforPeace

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Oh I forgot, how do i get close to ENFJs? What things do you like and what sorts of things do you find funny? How do i impress you and make you want to talk to me more?

1st, ENFJs are just not common, especially ENFJ males(1.6% of males). In any group of 100 males, there will likely be 3 NFJs, at best. Why limit yourself to just one type? There are a lot of great people of many types.

2nd, but, if you must know, here are things I appreciate about people: authenicity, intellect, fun, challenging, stimulating. I do not enjoy anyone trying to fake their way into my attention (huge failure, anyway, as I see right through it).

And, for me, Fi is the strongest thing that pulls me. It is an involuntary unconscious pull that immediately attracts my interest. It is a compulsion, almost. As a young man, I dated FPs almost exclusively. My wife is a ISFP. FPs are not an easy fit, given the Fe Fi difference, but I was never interested in Fe girls in my youth.
 
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Whatever you decide OP as a fellow INFP I wish you the best. Perhaps giving him and yourself time to sort this out will bring clarification of what has occurred. Take care.
 
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