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  1. #1
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    Default ISTP/ISTJ Breakup Confusion

    So about a month ago, a mutual friend who had been trying to set me up with ISTJ guy called me. He is 35, divorced (for 2 years) w/ 2 kids under the age of 10, who live here (as does his ex wife). His ex wife cheated on him w/ his best friend. We are in a small town and both grew up here, and I moved back two years ago, after years away, after my own divorce (I have one son who is 4 who lives with me, his dad lives far away). Our mutual friend has been telling me he is really interested for the past 2 years and I've always said no, b/c I was either in a different relationship, timing wasn't right or whatever. She said look he's very attracted to you but thinks you wouldn't give him the time of day (this ISTJ is smoking hot but doesn't see it). She said he literally asks about me nonstop and she thinks we would be perfect. I'm an ISTJ.

    Long story short, he called me, we talked the first time for 4 HOURS and hit it off instantly. Our friend was in disbelief, she said he never talks to anyone that long. He proceeded to call me the next 3 nights and would text or call intermittently throughout the day. On the day we were to get together, he said his grandmother had died that AM and I said oh I'm so sorry let's hold off and get together another time. He insisted though, and came over. Since that night, we have been inseperable, gone on multiple outdoor and indoor dates, etc. He has stayed at my house every night (again, he isn't a stranger, we have been acquainted all our lives and our families are friends). Ironically, w him being an ISTP and just knowing his personality, I know he needs personal space. He called me daily throughout the day every day and if I said anything about taking a night off he said "No, I want to see you and hang out with you." Once I mentioned cooking something specific for dinner that night and he said "Cook whatever you like, but I'll be here regardless and you know that." I was never clingy, if anything he was. He told his dad I gave him hope after 2 years and last weekend took me to "meet" his parents and have lunch at their house, after we took all our kids to the lake and had a great day. He dropped them off that night at his mom's (it had been his weekend), came over to my house afterwards. And then his ex texted saying she forgot to mention at dropoff she's moving w the kids an hour away at the end of the year. I never saw her as a threat bc our mutual friend and everyone says he's way over her and I am his dream girl. They swear he doesn't open up like this to anyone, and never has. He made it clear to me I was his girlfriend and wanted a future w me, without me asking. We were falling in love and he treated me like I was his world.

    After his ex texted him that, the next day he still called me from work etc. and was coming for dinner. Then he said she had called and asked him to take their eldest son somewhere for a school thing (she NEVER lets him see the kids typically if it's not his weekend, and certainly never during the week). I said absolutely, let's do it another night, enjoy the extra time with him. He said no, he wanted to come after. Then he called after and was over the top apologetic but said both kids wanted to stay w him that night. I said no problem, yall have a great time. He said he felt like an "asshole" and would call me in an hour when they went down. Never heard from him. I texted him once asking was he ok, and got nothing back. Woke up the next AM to a TEXT (this is a guy who always called, didn't enjoy texting) saying he had had a "crazy BS night" was "so sorry" felt like an "ass and please call me even if you want to kill me, I know you must have been worried." I tried calling him once, he didn't answer. Around noon (atypical as typically by noon he's called me 3 times every day for the past month from work) he called, we talked. He said he'd had to take the kids back home around 10 as his ex forgot about an early AM appt they had, and he said then they talked about the potential move (hers, with the kids) until midnight and by then he knew I'd be asleep so he waited until the next AM to text. I was suspicious but said "Ill get over it, I just don't see why you didn't at least text to say what you were doing etc. I never want to come before your kids, my son is first too, but you come before my ex-husband and I damn sure better come before your ex wife," I said this kind of jokingly, things never got heated. He understood fully, I said it would've been fine had he just communicated so I didn't wonder why he hadn't called and worried. That night, he said he'd be by after he dropped something off for his son at his ex-wive's, in about 20 mins. He showed up later than ever, saying he had to shower etc. At that point I was VERY suspicious, this guy has had a perfect track record until now. I said "Look, I trust you, I just have to ask if the reason for all of this has something to do w your ex. If you're not over her, just tell me now, or if you thought you were ready and now you aren't, just tell me. I have been strung along before and don't want to be again." He became really nervous and serious acting and said he just didn't like the awkwardness between us at that moment. I said I know, I just have been the stupid girl who should've known sooner before, and don't want to be her again. He said no, nothing was going on. We moved on, had a great romantic night in which he held me as we slept all night, as he always did. He left the next AM with a kiss as normal.

    That day, I barely heard from him. He called me at 5 to say he had thought all day and wasn't ready for this. I was astonished. He came over, we talked and he said I was too perfect and the thought of losing me after our disagreement was too much for him. I said "I never mentioned leaving, because I'm not going anywhere. I thought we felt the same way. What do you even mean?" He nearly cried, rubbed my hands while talking and when I started crying he scooped me up and rocked me back and forth and wouldn't let me go. He later said maybe he just needed time, maybe we could take it slower, that "I cant imagine going a week without seeing you, or a day without talking to you, you and everyone else know Ive never felt this way about anyone." He said he'd call that night. Then an hour later he texted saying he'd gotten the kids for the night (a week night, something again his ex typically NEVER allowed), would call the next day (also, on his weekends w his kids, he called me constantly, and suddenly now he cant talk bc he has them?). I just said "Oh good, glad you got them. Sounds good." Next day, nothing from him. That night later I texted saying if he had nothing left for me he needed to let me know. He texted back and said "I'm done, and I really am sorry. You can bring my stuff or I can come get it and vice versa." I texted back saying how could he rock me the night before, tell me all that so emotionally, and two days ago take me to meet his parents officially, tell all his guy friends how great his new gf is and talk about our future, not bear to be away from me for one night for a month straight and now this? I got no response for four days, nor did I try to contact him at all. I texted on the 4th day about getting him his stuff, he came straight over to my house (during work hours for him), and I asked him what happened. He again said he just wasn't ready. I told him I guess I'd just miss him always, he said you won't. I said I will. I briefly cried, he said I don't need the bullshit that comes w him and I deserve someone much better and he def doesn't deserve me. He said you've been wonderful. He then hugged me bye and didn't let go for 5 minutes, rubbing my back and stroking my hair. I asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind, he sadly said no. He then whispered through his own tears "For what it's worth, I'll miss you like hell too." He also repeatedly said this was something he was pretty sure he was going to regret.

    Question--what the hell happened? Is he getting back w his ex (who his family hates, and supposedly he hates too) for his kids' sake (he tried that right after their divorce and he said it lasted about a week, that they are horrible together)? What else explains an ISTP being THAT emotional and then just leaving suddenly one day with no real explanation? He also is not accepting calls from our mutual friend (a BFF of his for over 20 years), and won't respond to her or her husband (his very BEST BFF from at least 30 years--they don't live here anymore). No one had ever seen him express emotion like that, he told me more than anyone and I promise he was in love with me too. I asked before he left if we took it slower later if there was a chance. He looked conflicted before he said "I don't know--I just don't know and I don't want to string you along bc you don't deserve it, you don't deserve any of this, and I'm so so sorry." WTH is happening? I haven't contacted him, that's been 4 days ago. Will this ISTP come back on his own if I don't contact him? Or does this sound like a non-ISTP thing altogether, and think it involves his ex? Would LOVE to hear from ISTPs on this, on if I should wait and continue not contacting him, or if in a week or a month I should reach back out to him? No one goes from 100-0 in a DAY with no explanation right? Not even ISTPs?

  2. #2
    abcdenfp Abcdenfp's Avatar
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    I don't know if this is type issue but more of an ex -wife/ children issue. Their divorce was still recent and I find people tend to have a difficulty being sure that they made the right decision. They have history, kids etc.
    i don't doubt that he has/had very strong feelings for you but it sounds like he's got a lot going on with his family.
    I have found istps really don't handle strong emotions well and they need a lot of time to process what they are feeling and although his feelings may have been powerful , he has some rational behind his decision.
    I hope you get some resolve either way as I know it hurts.
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  3. #3
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    The times i hit 100-0 are times i broke/struggled with where i am and i had to disappear to figure things out. I have been pushed beyond what i can handle and need to back up and find my direction. Weigh possibilities, analyze whats going on. I dont really process my emotions...at this point the emotions just happen in the background and i pretty much just disappear. Doesnt happen alot and it is a STRONG ass emotional pull that fires off the whole thing. I am actually really good at processing my emotions...but i have to find a direction and that takes time and analysis.

    Reach out with me is fine, just dont be pushy. At those points i honestly cant give much of anything else any attention at all. I become fixated on finding my direction. I have to at times force myself into so much Se overload i force myself out of my head. Personally those are times that just jacking around, joking, having fun is a good break from things.

    My 2 cents on myself.
    Im out, its been fun
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  4. #4
    Wei 18 - Sie 39 agentwashington's Avatar
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    ... That sounds like something I'd do if I was overwhelmed, I guess.

    Hot/cold sounds very much like an IXTX thing, especially with Ti dom.

    It also sounds possible that he's grappling with his own fears, and probably has retreated way more in his head than he should, as well as reading into the situation too much. That happens. I think with Fe users, it's necessary to be a little less blunt and cushion things a lot, as Te users are more bottom-line in our communication style. It sounds like he's got a lot of other things going on, too:

    1. Him not thinking you'd ever be interested in him from the beginning due to low self-esteem issues
    2. Getting back with his ex doesn't seem likely, but reading your account, I inferred that his ex was likely using his kids as bargaining chips to exert some kind of control over him, which happens with guys too.
    3. He's afraid, like you are, I guess, of being hurt. If you look at his past relationship, it doesn't sound great. And if you look at his personality profile, it sounds like he needs a bit of... healing? Either way, I wouldn't worry that he's using you to get over someone or anything. It's likely fear-based paralysis.
    “Don’t use your strength to oppress, (but also) don’t let your weakness make you feel helpless.”
    - Rurouni Kenshin

    “This world is beautiful. People can love each other and live life respecting each other. Someday everyone will come to realize that and this will become a beautiful world full of only such people.”
    - Kino no Tabi
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  5. #5
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by W122 View Post
    So about a month ago, a mutual friend who had been trying to set me up with ISTJ guy called me. He is 35, divorced (for 2 years) w/ 2 kids under the age of 10, who live here (as does his ex wife). His ex wife cheated on him w/ his best friend. We are in a small town and both grew up here, and I moved back two years ago, after years away, after my own divorce (I have one son who is 4 who lives with me, his dad lives far away). Our mutual friend has been telling me he is really interested for the past 2 years and I've always said no, b/c I was either in a different relationship, timing wasn't right or whatever. She said look he's very attracted to you but thinks you wouldn't give him the time of day (this ISTJ is smoking hot but doesn't see it). She said he literally asks about me nonstop and she thinks we would be perfect. I'm an ISTJ.

    Long story short, he called me, we talked the first time for 4 HOURS and hit it off instantly. Our friend was in disbelief, she said he never talks to anyone that long. He proceeded to call me the next 3 nights and would text or call intermittently throughout the day. On the day we were to get together, he said his grandmother had died that AM and I said oh I'm so sorry let's hold off and get together another time. He insisted though, and came over. Since that night, we have been inseperable, gone on multiple outdoor and indoor dates, etc. He has stayed at my house every night (again, he isn't a stranger, we have been acquainted all our lives and our families are friends). Ironically, w him being an ISTP and just knowing his personality, I know he needs personal space. He called me daily throughout the day every day and if I said anything about taking a night off he said "No, I want to see you and hang out with you." Once I mentioned cooking something specific for dinner that night and he said "Cook whatever you like, but I'll be here regardless and you know that." I was never clingy, if anything he was. He told his dad I gave him hope after 2 years and last weekend took me to "meet" his parents and have lunch at their house, after we took all our kids to the lake and had a great day. He dropped them off that night at his mom's (it had been his weekend), came over to my house afterwards. And then his ex texted saying she forgot to mention at dropoff she's moving w the kids an hour away at the end of the year. I never saw her as a threat bc our mutual friend and everyone says he's way over her and I am his dream girl. They swear he doesn't open up like this to anyone, and never has. He made it clear to me I was his girlfriend and wanted a future w me, without me asking. We were falling in love and he treated me like I was his world.

    After his ex texted him that, the next day he still called me from work etc. and was coming for dinner. Then he said she had called and asked him to take their eldest son somewhere for a school thing (she NEVER lets him see the kids typically if it's not his weekend, and certainly never during the week). I said absolutely, let's do it another night, enjoy the extra time with him. He said no, he wanted to come after. Then he called after and was over the top apologetic but said both kids wanted to stay w him that night. I said no problem, yall have a great time. He said he felt like an "asshole" and would call me in an hour when they went down. Never heard from him. I texted him once asking was he ok, and got nothing back. Woke up the next AM to a TEXT (this is a guy who always called, didn't enjoy texting) saying he had had a "crazy BS night" was "so sorry" felt like an "ass and please call me even if you want to kill me, I know you must have been worried." I tried calling him once, he didn't answer. Around noon (atypical as typically by noon he's called me 3 times every day for the past month from work) he called, we talked. He said he'd had to take the kids back home around 10 as his ex forgot about an early AM appt they had, and he said then they talked about the potential move (hers, with the kids) until midnight and by then he knew I'd be asleep so he waited until the next AM to text. I was suspicious but said "Ill get over it, I just don't see why you didn't at least text to say what you were doing etc. I never want to come before your kids, my son is first too, but you come before my ex-husband and I damn sure better come before your ex wife," I said this kind of jokingly, things never got heated. He understood fully, I said it would've been fine had he just communicated so I didn't wonder why he hadn't called and worried. That night, he said he'd be by after he dropped something off for his son at his ex-wive's, in about 20 mins. He showed up later than ever, saying he had to shower etc. At that point I was VERY suspicious, this guy has had a perfect track record until now. I said "Look, I trust you, I just have to ask if the reason for all of this has something to do w your ex. If you're not over her, just tell me now, or if you thought you were ready and now you aren't, just tell me. I have been strung along before and don't want to be again." He became really nervous and serious acting and said he just didn't like the awkwardness between us at that moment. I said I know, I just have been the stupid girl who should've known sooner before, and don't want to be her again. He said no, nothing was going on. We moved on, had a great romantic night in which he held me as we slept all night, as he always did. He left the next AM with a kiss as normal.

    That day, I barely heard from him. He called me at 5 to say he had thought all day and wasn't ready for this. I was astonished. He came over, we talked and he said I was too perfect and the thought of losing me after our disagreement was too much for him. I said "I never mentioned leaving, because I'm not going anywhere. I thought we felt the same way. What do you even mean?" He nearly cried, rubbed my hands while talking and when I started crying he scooped me up and rocked me back and forth and wouldn't let me go. He later said maybe he just needed time, maybe we could take it slower, that "I cant imagine going a week without seeing you, or a day without talking to you, you and everyone else know Ive never felt this way about anyone." He said he'd call that night. Then an hour later he texted saying he'd gotten the kids for the night (a week night, something again his ex typically NEVER allowed), would call the next day (also, on his weekends w his kids, he called me constantly, and suddenly now he cant talk bc he has them?). I just said "Oh good, glad you got them. Sounds good." Next day, nothing from him. That night later I texted saying if he had nothing left for me he needed to let me know. He texted back and said "I'm done, and I really am sorry. You can bring my stuff or I can come get it and vice versa." I texted back saying how could he rock me the night before, tell me all that so emotionally, and two days ago take me to meet his parents officially, tell all his guy friends how great his new gf is and talk about our future, not bear to be away from me for one night for a month straight and now this? I got no response for four days, nor did I try to contact him at all. I texted on the 4th day about getting him his stuff, he came straight over to my house (during work hours for him), and I asked him what happened. He again said he just wasn't ready. I told him I guess I'd just miss him always, he said you won't. I said I will. I briefly cried, he said I don't need the bullshit that comes w him and I deserve someone much better and he def doesn't deserve me. He said you've been wonderful. He then hugged me bye and didn't let go for 5 minutes, rubbing my back and stroking my hair. I asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind, he sadly said no. He then whispered through his own tears "For what it's worth, I'll miss you like hell too." He also repeatedly said this was something he was pretty sure he was going to regret.

    Question--what the hell happened? Is he getting back w his ex (who his family hates, and supposedly he hates too) for his kids' sake (he tried that right after their divorce and he said it lasted about a week, that they are horrible together)? What else explains an ISTP being THAT emotional and then just leaving suddenly one day with no real explanation? He also is not accepting calls from our mutual friend (a BFF of his for over 20 years), and won't respond to her or her husband (his very BEST BFF from at least 30 years--they don't live here anymore). No one had ever seen him express emotion like that, he told me more than anyone and I promise he was in love with me too. I asked before he left if we took it slower later if there was a chance. He looked conflicted before he said "I don't know--I just don't know and I don't want to string you along bc you don't deserve it, you don't deserve any of this, and I'm so so sorry." WTH is happening? I haven't contacted him, that's been 4 days ago. Will this ISTP come back on his own if I don't contact him? Or does this sound like a non-ISTP thing altogether, and think it involves his ex? Would LOVE to hear from ISTPs on this, on if I should wait and continue not contacting him, or if in a week or a month I should reach back out to him? No one goes from 100-0 in a DAY with no explanation right? Not even ISTPs?
    It sounds like he is trying to see and prioritize his children. Since you say the ex seems to have held those cards, he may have to dance to her tune to keep seeing them and by doing so, keep pissing you off or dealing with her more than he should have to.


    This is assuming his words and actions are genuine and the ex is crazy but he is dealing with it for his kids. I know I would sacrifice my happiness with an SO or chance at it for my family/those I love.

    It could also be he did something he regrets and has to regrettably back out because he blew it. (Which means he respects you but isn't prepared to be open). In other words, it may be easier to wipe the slate clean for a while than fix the mistake. It's hard to tell because the whole situation is heavy.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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