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  1. #1
    Junior Member Mikosan77's Avatar
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    Question Did I hurt my ex boyfriend's [ISTJ] feelings?

    Hello World (lol).

    So I'm an ENFP and was in a 6 month relationship with an ISTJ which ended amiably, I guess. Getting close to the 6 month mark in the relationship I was feeling unappreciated, like he loved the idea of having a girlfriend and not necessarily interested in me as a person or accepting my uniqueness. I would assume alot of the issues we had were with the way we met (Match.com) and we probably should have taken time to get to know each other as friends before becoming romantic, but you know what they say, opposites attract. In addition, at 26 yrs old I was his very first girlfriend. Over the course of our relationship we had several situations where I wanted to give up and he begged me to stay, so I did because I truly believe he cared, but we just didn't know how to fix what was wrong. Well he reached a breaking point and stated that although he cared alot for me, he felt we were just too different. I freaked out and realized that I actually wasn't ready to end things, so I begged him to consider just taking a break to clear our heads and figure out what we want/need in the relationship. He agreed and just before the break was scheduled to end he called me out the blue to say that while he missed me and wanted to be with me he felt our differences were too much for him and that we'd eventually be back in the same situation months later. He then asked if we could be friends because his "life would definitely be worse having known me, to then have me completely gone." I said, "I can't," that it would be too hard for me. Then I gave in to his request because I was simply afraid of letting go of him. I may have jumped the gun with trying to be friends, we hung out four times and talked on the phone once a week over the past two months.When we're out together it's bitter sweet, because as we enjoy each other's company, I get nostalgic about the times we shared and miss being able to mean more to him yet feeling convinced that he'll never look at me that way again. I asked him if he wanted to hang out for my birthday at this science center and he agreed and afterwards he said he wanted to do something nice for me by taking me to lunch even though 3 hours later he was going to a restaurant with his friends. I really appreciated the gesture and although it made me feel really special, it made me feel really sad. So two days later I called him to tell him my feelings and he didn't answer (likely sleep) so I left him a voicemail saying I couldn't handle being his friend and I needed time away from him (not sure how much, but I'm thinking a year). I'm not sure how he received the message and I'm worried that it hurt him, but at the same time to continue this way is not healthy for me. I hope I didn't hurt him. Should I call him again and actually speak to him to make sure that he gets closure?

    P.S. Sorry for this being so long, I just had a lot on my mind through this whole thing and needed to release it.

  2. #2
    Wei 18 - Sie 39 agentwashington's Avatar
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    "You’re on Earth. There’s no cure for that."
    — Samuel Beckett, Endgame

    “This world is beautiful. People can love each other and live life respecting each other. Someday everyone will come to realize that and this will become a beautiful world full of only such people.”
    — Kino no Tabi
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  3. #3
    failed poetry slam career chubber's Avatar
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    So this is about you and you want to have your cake, but then worry if he is also having cake right?

    You did what you had to do, so it is finall. uhm, He said he wanted to end it. But you have been clear to him in saying that you can't just be friends. So either he wants to get back into the relationship or he doesn't. Maybe the two of your are both leaving the door open, just in case something were to happen instead of a door slam, right?

    He'll probably contact you or try to, who knows, if you place these silly rules like "a year" in place then he might just end up not calling you, at all. So for now, you said what had to be said and now simply look forward, move on with life. Did you hurt his feelings? Well, I think you already hurt it with "taking a break" so anything you do now is just compounding the issue. I would say move on with life.

  4. #4
    empress Nørrsken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mikosan77 View Post
    I asked him if he wanted to hang out for my birthday at this science center and he agreed and afterwards he said he wanted to do something nice for me by taking me to lunch even though 3 hours later he was going to a restaurant with his friends. I really appreciated the gesture and although it made me feel really special, it made me feel really sad. So two days later I called him to tell him my feelings and he didn't answer (likely sleep) so I left him a voicemail saying I couldn't handle being his friend and I needed time away from him (not sure how much, but I'm thinking a year). I'm not sure how he received the message and I'm worried that it hurt him, but at the same time to continue this way is not healthy for me. I hope I didn't hurt him. Should I call him again and actually speak to him to make sure that he gets closure?
    I'll be honest. If I were a man and I received a voicemail like that, I would just think that the woman is just doing this just so I can do as she says even though my heart and head knows that things cannot be repaired ever again. You told him the facts, and he, the ISTJ, acknowledges this and is respecting your choice to not speak with him for a year. If this is just some way to get him to love you again or to try another relationship with you, just know that this isn't the way to do it. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, as it is not my intention to come across like that, I'm just telling you that he may have felt some hurt because you are willing to throw the friendship away like that. You said you felt unappreciated, like he likes the idea of you being his girlfriend rather than him liking you truly for who you are. I see two things: One, you two really aren't as compatible as you think you are and he realizes this way earlier than you do.. and two, you have some unfounded insecurities on your part that you think that he didn't liked you much at all during the relationship, which could be very wrong, seeing as how he tried so hard to fight for you to stay the first few times.

    I think the year apart is a sound plan, or at least, half a year of silence while you work on yourself and gain some clarity over this. Hope you find what you're looking for in due time.
    I'll follow her into the depths
    I'll find warmth in the steel of her glare
    I'll hear music in the darkness of her silence
    Don't leave me there.
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  5. #5
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    I'm in a similar situation with being just friends...except I don't hang out with mine alone anymore. We only hang out in a group or with other people there so we can actually be friends who still hang out. If you still hang out alone with him like that it's never going to work as friends, but it's probably better you stop being his friend now than later...because I don't know what will happen if one or both of us start dating someone else.
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  6. #6
    Junior Member Mikosan77's Avatar
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    Thanks for the response! The following day I did get a lengthy text from him stating that he was not upset with me. He was simply respecting my space. He said that he realized what he was asking of me was unfair and that he did not want to obligate me to doing something that would make me uncomfortable or is hurtful to me. He let me know that he is willing to give me some space (hoping it would only be for a little while) but even if I decided to not come back to the friendship, then he can only respect my decision. Lastly, he mentioned that his life wouldn't be the same without me and that my presence will definitely be missed. As far as trying another relationship again, I don't know about that, I will admit I the thought of friendship being a way back to that crossed my mind. However, to even get comfortable with being able to have a somewhat platonic relationship with him I need to repress my romantic feelings towards him. I need space to get back to being healthy and whole.
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  7. #7
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    It's legitimate to ask for that. I am in a somewhat similar situation where I just gradually backed off the contact and I am slowly trying to heal back up. Sometimes, I wish I went full no contact on him because it would have been easier but I valued the friendship more than my feelings. I am never doing that again though... It's too much emotional stress at times.

  8. #8
    Senior Member SurrealisticSlumbers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mikosan77 View Post
    I need space to get back to being healthy and whole.
    I do hope you take the time to get back to the "real you" and realize that it wasn't your fault that things didn't work out! It sounds like you two still definitely have feelings for each other, and you really never know how these things will work out in the future. It could've just been bad timing. Sounds like you two are both figuring it out, and wow, for him to be 26 and you were his first girlfriend? Yeah, he must have been really confused at how relationships "worked" and probably freaked or got perfectionistic. If he meets and dates other chicks, he'll learn that no relationship's "perfect" and might come to appreciate how stable your relationship really was after all. I guess we xNFPs have a certain reputation of being weird or quirky, and a lot of more "traditional" guys think we're a little too out there! But if you're anything like me, you just want to have a good, healthy relationship, and unless you did something you aren't telling us, the relationship's end was not "your issue." I know you are worried you hurt him, but you are pretty hurt right now and need to just concentrate on you for a while! He just sounds kind of confused and like he wasn't aware of the natural ups/downs of a relationship... His inexperience, not your problem. Hope you get to feeling your old self again.. give him time, he'll wise up...
    Shot at close range; left for dead by an unidentified killer, for reasons unknown. After 40 years, no names, few clues...

    Who are the elusive "Mystery Couple"?

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