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  1. #1
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    Default INTJ woman + ENFJ man

    Anyone have experienced or witnessed this type of pairing?

    Never would have considered dating an Fe-dom because they could theoretically clash with my Fi as I've seen with my own mother (ISFJ), despite my overall healthy relationship with her. But the more I think about it, the more I see some potential with this pairing. I think an ENFJ if they truly cared about the INTJ would tend to support all of INTJ's ambitions and dreams. They would even sacrifice some of their own time and resources helping the INTJ achieve their long-term goals because ultimately they want to see them happy and functioning well.

    Sometimes a person with high Fe can appear overbearing and therefore intrusive when it comes to my needs. And I can be a little unappreciative with how Fe chooses to show their support. Again bringing up an example from my ISFJ mother, she can often badger me with irrelevant questions about whether or not I've eaten yet, what I've ate, etc. to show concern if she feels that I have been neglecting my biological needs in favor of completing projects I've become obsessive over. I can become irritable over this and assume that Fe is being nosy and not respecting my privacy.

    Love languages I would assume to be another potential problem down the road, but seeing as I am a fairly affectionate INTJ once I've gotten comfortable being intimate with a partner, it wouldn't kill me to show affection regularly.

  2. #2
    Theta Male Julius_Van_Der_Beak's Avatar
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    Wei 18 - Sie 39 agentwashington's Avatar
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    That's just how mothers are. Tell her you learnt to make your own pancakes and periodically send her pics of food. She'll live.

    Alternatively, actually take good care of your own body, because it's the only one you've got and you'll probably feel it when you get older. (Am I a nosy enough SJ yet?)

    If you're actually looking at a real person and not a hypothetical one, then it'd depend on the person, won't it? Of course, gotta specify it's a man and a woman.
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  4. #4
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    It really comes down to similar value sets, respect, and understanding needs. Although I am female, my best guy friend is ISTJ and I am dating an INTJ. There are notable differences in how tertiary Fi + dom Fe interact but there is rarely much friction.

    1) I tend to verbalize my thoughts and feelings a lot more... basically say what's on my (compliments, observations) and the IXTJs are much more reserved.

    2) My focus tends to prioritize the quality of relationships and they are more more task-oriented.

    3) I tend to prefer consistent communication but they won't contact unless there is a specific reason.

    However, I get along great with both because I allow them some space and autonomy and they are willing and consistent in helping me with reasonable requests.

    If the particular ENFJ values "Words of Affirmation", then they might feel unwanted by the average IXTJ.

    NOTE: You shouldn't put too much focus on the type though because when I started to do things based on what I thought a type would be like, it caused unnecessary drama. It's better to ask and talk than assume.
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  5. #5
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by peter pettishrooms View Post
    Anyone have experienced or witnessed this type of pairing?

    Never would have considered dating an Fe-dom because they could theoretically clash with my Fi as I've seen with my own mother (ISFJ), despite my overall healthy relationship with her. But the more I think about it, the more I see some potential with this pairing. I think an ENFJ if they truly cared about the INTJ would tend to support all of INTJ's ambitions and dreams. They would even sacrifice some of their own time and resources helping the INTJ achieve their long-term goals because ultimately they want to see them happy and functioning well.
    I think generally ENFJ's care about their partners' dreams and ambitions. Sometimes they'll go to the point of their own detriment. It greatly depends on the ENFJ as to how much they'll let resentment build until it's out of control and how much the partner is taking advantage of them.

    Sometimes a person with high Fe can appear overbearing and therefore intrusive when it comes to my needs. And I can be a little unappreciative with how Fe chooses to show their support. Again bringing up an example from my ISFJ mother, she can often badger me with irrelevant questions about whether or not I've eaten yet, what I've ate, etc. to show concern if she feels that I have been neglecting my biological needs in favor of completing projects I've become obsessive over. I can become irritable over this and assume that Fe is being nosy and not respecting my privacy.
    A person with high Fe can be suffocating for an INTJ. That is true. I don't think this ^^ is type related as much as it's mother related although with an ISFJ, there could be other things going on. It also took me a little time to get familiar with Fe support and showing appreciation. You can't only vocalize it, they need to see action.

    Love languages I would assume to be another potential problem down the road, but seeing as I am a fairly affectionate INTJ once I've gotten comfortable being intimate with a partner, it wouldn't kill me to show affection regularly.
    My LL's are quality time/words of affirmation. My ENFJ's are physical touch/acts of service. But I like showing affection to the people I'm close to, maybe that's why we don't clash on it, I've always been this way. I've heard many people wonder about this pairing but I think it's really dependent on the INTJ and ENFJ, how mature they are, how healthy they are and how willing they are to work at a relationship. I can see it being nightmarish as easily as I can see it being amazing.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  6. #6
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by peter pettishrooms View Post
    Anyone have experienced or witnessed this type of pairing?
    Oh, do I!

    This is the type combination I was raised by (my parents) and having started to second-guess whether or not the above question even applied to me with how mildly it registers with my system when considering the reality of my experience... I hesitated for some time wondering how to proceed and became distracted by a thought to respond entirely in 1930's black & white movie style phrasing... Oh, do I. And how!

    Okay, I won't do that but in an effort to make the one and only point I came here to make let me ask... Of my two parents which one...the INTJ or the ENFJ...do you imagine has always been referred to as "The Commander and Chief"?


    Never would have considered dating an Fe-dom because they could theoretically clash with my Fi as I've seen with my own mother (ISFJ), despite my overall healthy relationship with her. But the more I think about it, the more I see some potential with this pairing. I think an ENFJ if they truly cared about the INTJ would tend to support all of INTJ's ambitions and dreams. They would even sacrifice some of their own time and resources helping the INTJ achieve their long-term goals because ultimately they want to see them happy and functioning well.

    The bolded almost makes me lol. While we are all considering how much affection might be needed... and the everlasting honey moon of love language alignment...

    I would like to briefly turn to a little thing called Interaction Styles and how contrary to what appears to be popular belief...the ENFJ doesn't belong to the "Support Staff" group...or the "Sacrifice 4lyfe" group...but rather a group called "In Charge".

    There are three ENFJs in my immediate and extended family and I will tell you none of them sound anything like ceecee's husband. My Mom...the Commander and Chief of our family...she sacrifices for no one...and neither do the other two it is just that my Mom is also capable of making it look like she's sacrificing when what she's actually doing is moving everyone around like chess pieces on a chess board.

    Whoops...I should add though that my parents do belong together and are still married after years...and my Dad is happy...but my Dad looks past a lot and is constantly encouraging us kids to do the same.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Oh, do I!

    This is the type combination I was raised by (my parents) and having started to second-guess whether or not the above question even applied to me with how mildly it registers with my system when considering the reality of my experience... I hesitated for some time wondering how to proceed and became distracted by a thought to respond entirely in 1930's black & white movie style phrasing... Oh, do I. And how!

    Okay, I won't do that but in an effort to make the one and only point I came here to make let me ask... Of my two parents which one...the INTJ or the ENFJ...do you imagine has always been referred to as "The Commander and Chief"?





    The bolded almost makes me lol. While we are all considering how much affection might be needed... and the everlasting honey moon of love language alignment...

    I would like to briefly turn to a little thing called Interaction Styles and how contrary to what appears to be popular belief...the ENFJ doesn't belong to the "Support Staff" group...or the "Sacrifice 4lyfe" group...but rather a group called "In Charge".

    There are three ENFJs in my immediate and extended family and I will tell you none of them sound anything like ceecee's husband. My Mom...the Commander and Chief of our family...she sacrifices for no one...and neither do the other two it is just that my Mom is also capable of making it look like she's sacrificing when what she's actually doing is moving everyone around like chess pieces on a chess board.

    Whoops...I should add though that my parents do belong together and are still married after years...and my Dad is happy...but my Dad looks past a lot and is constantly encouraging us kids to do the same.
    Now I finally understand why you see me as ENFJ. hahaha. I try really hard to be chill but I often feel like I am bulldozing the poor INTJ. I sometimes think he might be better off dating an EXXP type.

  8. #8
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FutureInProgress View Post
    Now I finally understand why you see me as ENFJ. hahaha. I try really hard to be chill but I often feel like I am bulldozing the poor INTJ. I sometimes think he might be better off dating an EXXP type.

    haha No...no, no,no. Lots of ENFJs use their superpowers for good


    Bulldozing... my Dad isn't going anywhere he doesn't want to go. He will bulldoze right back. The only area that I see causing a problem with my parents...which I know would not be an issue with you because you wouldn't do this or if you did it would be so very, very rare...

    What my Mom can't take by force she'll take by manipulation (and vice versa)...and she's damn good. Here's where my father will lose his cool...

    Z Buck McFate always explained dominant Ni's response to "being skillfully manipulated"... Like being a blind person and someone moves the furniture around on you. And this is what it at least looks like when I see it occurring with my parents... my Dad totally knows something's fucked-up but he can't pin point what...and so he'll react.

    In no way do I worry about my Dad.


    *****

    I just remembered a funny story though...


    A member of my family had some kind of drama/scandal going on with them that my Mom was doing some serious damage control on.

    Well, I went over to the house and find my Dad and I'm like "Dad, omg, what's going on with X family member?"

    And my Dad stands silently for a while and then says "I have so many lies in my head right now and I don't know which one I'm supposed to tell you." haha
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  9. #9
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FutureInProgress View Post
    Now I finally understand why you see me as ENFJ. hahaha. I try really hard to be chill but I often feel like I am bulldozing the poor INTJ. I sometimes think he might be better off dating an EXXP type.
    Keep in mind, we are a whole lot older. My ENFJ is very persuasive and very charming and he did try bulldozing me when we first met. No. Hell no. He still tries (obvious) persuasion, sometimes I don't mind but if he gets pushy..we're done. He's not a regular ENFJ. Not in his job (physics) not in his extroversion (low), not in his overall vibe and he's far more of a disciplinarian as a parent than I am.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  10. #10
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    @FutureInProgress

    I didn't get back here fast enough. I was trying to figure out how to say something that I still don't really know how to say but...

    While I do think my Mom is Kool Aid unhealthy in some-to-many ways...it is difficult for me to proclaim this/the ENFJ interaction style as fundamentally unhealthy in and of itself. I am acquainted with an ENFJ that I see doing all of the same things my Mom does and while I'm not very close with this person and do not see them in a private setting... I only see good coming out of that same force and manipulation if that makes sense. So yah...idk.
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