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Thread: This INFP girl

  1. #1
    Senior Member PalebloodHunter's Avatar
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    Default This INFP girl

    Hey, guys. I hope this post doesn't come across as cheesy but I really think I'm at my wits end here. I'm a 24 year old ENTP and quit my corporate job few months ago to turn to writing for videogames. I had also just cut off from a relationship with a sociopath. One day, I took an UberPOOL and ended up sharing it with this gorgeous woman. Now, I was nervous for a while and wanted to strike a conversation. However, she seemed unsure about her destination. I figured she was new to town and asked her that, she said she was. Then I also noticed the familiarity of her accent and soon enough, discovered we were from the same home town. Thanks to the horrible traffic conditions of my city, We were stuck with what ended up in a deep conversation. She is a fashion designer with her own brand who came to the city to study the retail aspect of it all. Soon, she got off and I hit myself in the head because I forgot to take her number down.

    However, I had friends in her college and so sent my ninja squad on an assignment to gather info about her. With luck, I finally found her profile on FB and sent her a request. To my surprise, she accepted! (within the span of a few days, however). Further to my surprise, she actually replied when i texted her in a really friendly manner that translated straight from the discussion we had in the cab. I found out she was an INFP and it did fit, since she always seemed shy and reserved when we talked. Also, she had this annoying habbit of just dying off midway through a conversation. After a while, I just thought she wasn't interested. So, as a 21st century gentleman, I decided to give the lady some space and resort to simple online stalking. It appeared that we had a lot of shared interests, since she herself messaged after a while and we had a nice healthy chat... which lasted few weeks before she died again. I asked what was up, and she replied that "she needed some time alone since she was going through a divorce." Surely, nothing unusual. I made it a point to give her some space.

    We soon resumed talking again. I found out she liked painting and wanted to see her work, so she herself asked for my number so she could show them. We then started getting a lot closer and she'd often jump from small talk to deep philosophical topics with little connection between the two. She apparently loves "words" and really liked the way I'd put things into perspective (I guess I am a good writer lol). We seemed totally comfortable with each other, I even told her I heard her talk to herself back in the cab to which she embarrassingly admitted that she does that a lot. She also said that she felt a special connection with me, though she was awfully surprised when I told her I was 24 since I seemed older to her (she herself is approaching 30). She also admitted that she had been stalking me for a good while now. At this point we decided to meet. We had breakfast at this really quiet place with a lot of books and jazz music. She loved it. We then spent the whole day together and for drinks I took her to this place where I could mix my own cocktails since I knew the guys there well, I mixed her a smoked drink since she had a sore throat due to cold. She said she appreciated all of that and ended up talking for hours. At this point things took a tragic turn, I found out that she had lost her mother at an early age and her dad had remarried. She had issues with her stepmother and her dad too passed away few years ago. She had married in her early twenties and has a daughter. But, her husband would always abuse her and apparently had an extra-marital affair too. Her daughter stays with him.

    I tried my best to comfort her. We switched topics and soon she back to her laughing self. She eventually cozied up to me, held hands and just leaned over me when we took a cab back. We decided to take a little walk where she'd keep asking what was on my mind. Eventually, it all just boiled up and I ended up telling her how I felt. She was surprised in that she didn't expect me to say that after all she told about herself. I told her I didn't care. She still persisted and that was when I pulled her close and gave her a kiss. She was flabbergasted and said that she's more used to chasing people and this was a first for her. We decided to walk a little more. When all of a sudden she just said she will meet me tomorrow. We called it a day.

    And then she died... again :|. For 4 straight days I texted her and she wouldn't reply. It drove me mad. I called her and she wouldn't pick up. So, I sent her a voice text and asked her to tell me if she didn't want to talk, because I needed to know. Finally, I got a reply which said that she thinks she shouldn't engage because she doesn't think it will go anywhere so best end it right here. I just asked her that I wanted to talk and did not like this silent treatment. She then said that she was sorry for that but she just does not want to do this. She didn't come to the city for a relationship and has to get her stuff sorted.

    I mean... I kinda got it :\... I jumped the gun a bit too early. Maybe she thinks I'll eventually flake. So, I told her that I really liked talking to her and enjoyed her company and more of it... even if it meant as a friend for now. We could take things slowly. But, I got no further reply.

    This post is all jumbled and is a lot to take in I guess. But, I really am at the edge. This girl is the nicest person I've met and actually seemed interested in even the most mundane things about me. (especially coming off a relationship with a sociopath) I can't give up on her but I'm completely blank right now. It's the first time I'm resorting to the web for help. So, wise ones... please tell me how do I get rid of my anxiety?

  2. #2
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    I read your post and hear you:

    Quote Originally Posted by PalebloodHunter View Post
    please tell me how do I get rid of my anxiety?
    What do you think you are feeling anxious about?
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  3. #3
    Senior Member PalebloodHunter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    I read your post and hear you:



    What do you think you are feeling anxious about?
    There are so many questions in my head. Why did things go south when she clearly had a good time? What does she really think of me now? I've texted her quite a lot saying I just want her to talk to me but barely got any replies, am I bothering her all of a sudden? If she didn't want to get into this, why did she make the moves on me? Was I being played? What am I to do from here on out? I'm way too deep into her and this is deeply upsetting me.

  4. #4
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PalebloodHunter View Post
    There are so many questions in my head. Why did things go south when she clearly had a good time? What does she really think of me now? I've texted her quite a lot saying I just want her to talk to me but barely got any replies, am I bothering her all of a sudden? If she didn't want to get into this, why did she make the moves on me? Was I being played? What am I to do from here on out? I'm way too deep into her and this is deeply upsetting me.
    *nods* I hear you, thanks for your reply. What outcome are you hoping for?
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
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  5. #5
    Senior Member PalebloodHunter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    *nods* I hear you, thanks for your reply. What outcome are you hoping for?
    Anything other than what's happening right now. Right now, I just want to start talking again like we used to. We could take things slowly. But, even that's not happening.

  6. #6
    Member Novella's Avatar
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    She may just need time to process, divorce and losing primary access to one's child would have an enormous impact on her life, particularly as it was by her accounts, abusive. In addition to him cheating on her. Sounds like it was a traumatic experience for her.
    She has told you that she needs space. Give her that space. It sounds like she is interested but needs time to mull things over. She has reached out before so being proactive is not anathema to her. I am not saying not to contact her again but keep it low keel, you are there for her as support.
    Think you may be over analysing your part in her withdrawal and this clearly is playing a part in your anxiety. Don't have the impression this is about anything you did or said but that this is about her and the healing she needs to do. Everyone has baggage but you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who's emotional sores are still weeping.

  7. #7
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PalebloodHunter View Post
    Anything other than what's happening right now. Right now, I just want to start talking again like we used to. We could take things slowly. But, even that's not happening.
    It would be helpful for you to really think about what you want and why you want that. What do you want? I feel it would be very helpful for you to define this in an out-loud way.

    As an ENTP, you're bound to come up with dozens of Ti - Fe reasonings about what's up with her and why she would be treating you this way, thoughts both charitable and uncharitable. Rather than look to providing some rationale overtop of her behaviour, if you can manage to put yourself in her shoes you might find that what should happen next comes more naturally. You've explained things quite beautifully up there so it's not too hard. Imagine you just ended an abusive relationship and somehow not come out of that with custody of your daughter, what might you be processing and how might that impact your ability or interest to interface in another relationship? What behaviour might you like to see from a prospective partner? Then, do that. She asks you to maintain a bit of space, you do that too. Show her that you hear her by respecting her words. You can certainly ask something like, "Can we be in touch once a week?" And if she agrees to that, but then you don't hear back from her, you might be wise to move on from this idea in your head of being together since she's not demonstrating an ability to be in a partnership at the present time.

    Ya, you like her. And by your account, she likely found you interesting and fun. But the post above mine here too is sound. You may wish to think carefully about entering relationship with someone who's got a lot of processing to do. She's indicated to you clearly that she needs time. If she is INFP, a lot of that will be emotional heavy lifting to try to make sense of the feelings she's carrying. If you push, you'll add more feeling-load to the pile and that's not likely to help.

    Best wishes to you!
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
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  8. #8
    Don't touch me. Peter Deadpan's Avatar
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    Your story wasn't cheesy and I found it to be very sweet. You seem like a lovely guy and it sounds like she was quite surprised to find that you are interested in her. Given her history (I have a very similar history), I would say that she is probably terrified inside. The effects of abuse can linger for years or even forever and tend to take a serious toll on self-esteem and ability to trust again. I do think she really likes you and I think she would probably really like to get close to you, but when she felt attraction and feelings of affection, she probably bolted because she doesn't know what's going to happen. It sounds like you guys have something special, and if you think she is worth some work (trust me, it's gonna take some work and you'll probably be confused or frustrated at times), then what I recommend is that you let her know that you appreciate her companionship and you would like to be friends and give her whatever space makes her feel comfortable. Honestly, her ability to resist the temptation of diving into your arms so to speak is a testament of her strength and commitment to growth. She recognizes that she has wounds and she wants to heal them first before bringing a man into her world.

    If I could give you one more piece of advice: In a lot of the material out there geared towards women who have been in abusive relationships, it is said to be a red flag if a man accuses his exes of being abusive. I FULLY realize that this is a farfetched fallacy, but it has been said time and time again. The reason this is said is because a lot of abusive men do badmouth their exes when in fact it was them who was the abuser. If she is hypervigilant, she may be looking for red flags to assess how safe you are. I'm not saying you cannot talk about your ex at all, but be very mindful of how you speak of the situation so she doesn't get the impression that you may be a wolf in sheep's clothing who is manipulating the story of your past to make you look better.

    I wish you the best of luck and hope this grows into a loving relationship you can both settle into.
    dead·pan
    /ˈded,pan/
    adjective: deliberately impassive or expressionless.

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  9. #9
    Senior Member PalebloodHunter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Novella View Post
    She may just need time to process, divorce and losing primary access to one's child would have an enormous impact on her life, particularly as it was by her accounts, abusive. In addition to him cheating on her. Sounds like it was a traumatic experience for her.
    She has told you that she needs space. Give her that space. It sounds like she is interested but needs time to mull things over. She has reached out before so being proactive is not anathema to her. I am not saying not to contact her again but keep it low keel, you are there for her as support.
    Think you may be over analysing your part in her withdrawal and this clearly is playing a part in your anxiety. Don't have the impression this is about anything you did or said but that this is about her and the healing she needs to do. Everyone has baggage but you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who's emotional sores are still weeping.
    Thanks, yeah. I do tend to over analyse a lot. I mean, what to do when a girl says she feels a special connection and goes cold. But, yeah these were things I had been thinking about and it was nice that other people think the same way. It does help ease my mind a lot. All I can do is wait for now, and I'm down with that.
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  10. #10
    Senior Member PalebloodHunter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    It would be helpful for you to really think about what you want and why you want that. What do you want? I feel it would be very helpful for you to define this in an out-loud way.

    As an ENTP, you're bound to come up with dozens of Ti - Fe reasonings about what's up with her and why she would be treating you this way, thoughts both charitable and uncharitable. Rather than look to providing some rationale overtop of her behaviour, if you can manage to put yourself in her shoes you might find that what should happen next comes more naturally. You've explained things quite beautifully up there so it's not too hard. Imagine you just ended an abusive relationship and somehow not come out of that with custody of your daughter, what might you be processing and how might that impact your ability or interest to interface in another relationship? What behaviour might you like to see from a prospective partner? Then, do that. She asks you to maintain a bit of space, you do that too. Show her that you hear her by respecting her words. You can certainly ask something like, "Can we be in touch once a week?" And if she agrees to that, but then you don't hear back from her, you might be wise to move on from this idea in your head of being together since she's not demonstrating an ability to be in a partnership at the present time.

    Ya, you like her. And by your account, she likely found you interesting and fun. But the post above mine here too is sound. You may wish to think carefully about entering relationship with someone who's got a lot of processing to do. She's indicated to you clearly that she needs time. If she is INFP, a lot of that will be emotional heavy lifting to try to make sense of the feelings she's carrying. If you push, you'll add more feeling-load to the pile and that's not likely to help.

    Best wishes to you!
    I've been thinking a lot. I also do think that in her position, the fact that she is much older might be playing another factor. See, I'm currently writing for videogames and would really want to go out and explore all the possibilities. I do assume she thinks that I might be taking this as a temporary thing and that's probably not what she's looking for at this point. But, yeah... your approach really does give a good perspective. I don't suppose things are gonna be looking up anytime soon.

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