The Duty Fulfiller and the Idealist
An Introverted Relationship
Introverted relationships tend to be quiet, with far more going on under the surface than would be apparent to an outside observer. Sometimes this surface breaks and these relationships can explode into furious times of creative activity or passion, when the true thoughts, feelings and needs of partners can express in powerful ways. At rare times this can open a schism which can break a relationship apart, but normally it results in a cathartic re-establishment of balance and a return to quietness, achieved through a mutual work of creative adjustment to each partner’s previously private ideas, emotions or personal directions. On the whole, introverted relationships tend to be secure and mutually beneficial where the partners have deep feeling for one another or a shared interest in outcomes. Because of their natural tendency to keep to themselves those things which might create friction in their outer life, introverts of the most diverse character and interests can work well together and easily form harmonious relationships where a common goal or life direction exists.
ISTJ/INFP Relationship Dynamics
For every INFP male there are seven more who are ISTJ. For females the balance is about equal with strong numbers of both types. The most natural chance relationship between these types is therefore ISTJ male to INFP female, but while there may only be few male INFP types, they will encounter plenty of ISTJ females, so the reverse is also not unlikely. With almost equal female numbers of both types, single gender female relationships will also be common enough, leaving only male to male relationships as the least likely to occur by chance.
Because the sensing/thinking person is the most common psychological type, the collective acceptance of ST behavioral norms in our culture tends to place a buffer between the ISTJ and the recognition that their strengths and weaknesses result from a distinct psychological attitude. The result is that, while other types have to make allowances for them, they rarely feel the need to change their ideas to suit others. What they do and what they think are so obviously “common sense†that they discount the notion that they might only have half the picture, or, if pressed, will assert that their half is the important bit.
This logic, however, falls in a hole the second an ISTJ male meets a responsive NF type female. Suddenly they are confronted by “other†in a way they cannot bluster past, for the very walls which contain their feeling of being a “normal†male provide no security in the female direction.
Having met, however, is an INFP really going to get it on with an ISTJ? Is an ISTJ going to hang with an INFP long enough to understand them? Strangely, the answer is just as likely to be yes than no, because the odd twists of personality type create a potentially positive space between these two. Whether this space will be actually used by both parties, or actively avoided, will depend on many factors. These, we will explore further.
The INFP does not usually concern themselves with making overt judgments about people or situations, preferring to ride with the moment and discover everything of value it might hold for them. Often, the values they seek and amplify will hook into many of the very things the ISTJ commonly judges as pointless, irritating or absurd. The INFP is not a process oriented person. In this regard alone they are the very opposite of the ISTJ, for whom process is one of the most natural, and hence unsurprising and ordinary, areas of interaction with the daily world. Because of their lack of adaptation to basic process, the INFP who is involved workplace processes tends to make them their own. In their hands a process is no longer just a simple, functional part of the larger process of the workplace. For them it contains novel aspects, both human and logistical, which lead beyond its simple function. These aspects make at least their part of the process important to the INFJ, whose intuitive notions about it, and the values they find within it, can easily rub their ISTJ workmates the wrong way.
Generally, where an INFP male interacts with an ISTJ male in workplace processes, the creative space between them will often be avoided rather than used. Avoidance allows the ISTJ to steer clear of the need to engage the feeling side of the INFP, while it allows the INFP to steer clear of what they see as the rigidly defined and unfeeling sensory world of the ISTJ. When these worlds do collide, the result is often light sabers at ten paces. Between males of these types there is a volatile emotional space, across which each can easily see the other as an embodiment of the dark side of the force. The fact that a female INFP is allowed far greater access to the “dark side†of a male ISTJ associate stems from the most fundamental of all human relationship dynamics: sex.
As the embodiment of the most natural and conventional male personality, the ISTJ has no problem with the idea that a female should have a different take on the world. For them, the female INFP personality is pretty much what they expect to find. While ISTJ and INFP are not perfect introverted opposites, there is sufficient difference to promote interest without the “shadow to shadow†attraction/repulsion that perfect opposition produces. (Something which can deliver more problems than solutions in cross gender relationships.) This is not to say that the ISTJ will easily succumb to the intuitive/feeling side of a female associate, any more than an INFP female will allow themselves to be tethered by the sensory logic of the ISTJ. Nevertheless, sexual difference neutralizes the otherwise volatile emotional ground between them and the prospects for relationship are open for engagement.
An extraverted secondary thinker, the ISTJ has an introverted and somewhat undervalued feeling side which they mostly keep to themselves. Secondary thinking produces a need to maintain an adaptation to the primary thinking of associates and the logistics of an external and rational world. For the ISTJ, displays of feeling are usually via an emotional outlet of some kind. Such emotionally driven feeling is often aggressively reactive and rarely concerns itself with fine discriminations of value. That such activity does not fully satisfy the feeling side of the ISTJ is only to be expected, as its tendency to only express via emotional energy leaves the ISTJ vulnerable to the real feelings of others, particularly in situations where they know that a more balanced response is required.
For the INFP, their secondary world of external intuitive appreciations leaves sensation to hide within, where it fuses naturally with the somewhat ego deflating and emotional energy of unconscious thought. Physical and technical vulnerability are typical negative symptoms of INFP interaction with the external world. On the one hand they can be fascinated by the most basic functional arrangements and attractions, yet if drawn into a technical relationship with such things they can find themselves completely out of their depth.
These emotional vulnerabilities of both the ISTJ and the INFP are perfectly condign to one another. They seek fulfillment, yet not at the cost of the primary ego, as would be the case where need is driven from the inferior or unconscious side. In this way, the ISTJ and the INFP can be perfect buffers for each others’ less adapted and more vulnerable side. In the INFP, the ISTJ can find a feeling world which is neither “in your face†nor which demands they be anything other than themselves; a world they can explore safely – just as long as they don’t break anything! For the INFP, the ISTJ can provide a safely grounded space where they can explore the realities of another person without feeling any pressure to make them their own or alter their own take upon the things they find.
Making it Work
As with most relationships, how easily this one comes – and stays – together will depend very much upon the partners’ self knowledge and awareness. Just as prospective relationships between young people can have different outcomes from those with people of greater life experience, those blessed with quick intelligence and an understanding of themselves, regardless of age, will usually fare better in the relationship stakes than those with little or no interest in self development.
Where strong expression of the primary function is evident, awareness of the whole self and its effects upon others is often lacking. Overdeveloped introverted sensation produces a personality totally involved with how things in the person’s immediate world ought to be sorted, organized and maintained, with an almost complete disregard for those conditioning factors which might demand different forms of organization. The strongly expressed ISTJ rarely adjusts things to suit feeling needs or unproven possibilities, and in the worst case, neither knows nor cares that others might see things differently.
Overdevelopment of introverted feeling in the INFP can produce a personality so sensitive to the impingements of the world that they live like martyrs to their own cause, unable to engage with anything outside their own private safety fence. Inside this fence, everything is so strongly invested with personal feeling and inexplicable associations that, to others, it can feel like being in a private gallery where they must pick their way through a maze of objects made from the finest glass, the most delicate of which are perched just on the edge of balance.
One can see that without a compensating degree of self knowledge and a commitment to personal development, this strongly expressing pair would have little hope of forming any kind of real relationship. At best it would be one of those “partnerships of difference†where “his†and “hers†rule the day; where two people are seen to live together, yet in complete psychic isolation from one another. It is true that many relationships end this way, and some even see this as the inevitable “norm†after the flush of biological need and attraction has cooled. But it need not be so.
Without a drive to develop one’s own self understanding, at least sufficiently to recognize that one’s own partner represents a separate universe of self, distinct from our own but equally deserving of our complete recognition and support, we leave the unconscious to steer the ship. When this happens – as it so often does – our relationships can become more like never ending battles for self validation rather than partnerships in which both parties are fulfilled.
For the ISTJ, recognition of the unconscious and it’s area of influence can be hard. As the most common representative of our most conventional and “everyday†ideas about the world and how it works, the average ISTJ has little time for the less than obvious, let alone the mysteries of “what lies beneathâ€, as such things might be represented in the behavior of others. They tend to see the behavior of intuitive/feeling types not only as different, but also “difficultâ€; scarcely recognizing that they have a similarly “difficultâ€, yet hidden, side to themselves which counters much of their own sensing/thinking reality with its own inner antagonisms and compensations.
The INFP has a somewhat more interactive relationship with the unconscious. The end product of extraverted intuition is often images of “what lies beneathâ€, especially in others: they can more easily visualize the unconscious dynamics in those they meet. This, however, is a secondary process and if not sufficiently separated from primary introverted feeling, its imagery will be subject to the specific and personally biased evaluation process which strong introverted feeling creates. All too easily, the INFP can place feeling biased roadblocks in the way of a relationship by marking “here be dragons†on the maps they draw from other people, when in truth the dragons are really myths of their own making. The opposite is also true, for the INFP can easily over-compensate a character flaw in another simply because, to their intuition, it symbolizes something more valued to them. The INFP can be a sucker sometimes, particularly if they have had an easy road to adulthood.
With some introspection and commitment to understanding, however, these two can easily create a clear path to real relationship. A committed INFP can and will engage and draw out the feelings of an ISTJ, while an ISTJ who has any ability to think for themselves will be able to bring a new world of connection and down to earth enjoyment into the life of their INFP partner.
Interestingly, it is not so much what these two need to learn about each other which will create this path, but what they will need to learn – and admit to – about themselves. In recognizing and understanding their own limitations and particular strengths, they will come to see each other very clearly. Creating a real relationship is never about simply adjusting or modifying our behavior in some careful, “mustn’t step on the eggs†way. It is about finding within ourselves the humbling truth of our own limitations and allowing this recognition to play its part in our lives, as naturally as we previously allowed only our strengths to control our behavior and tried to minimize or blame our failings upon others.
Recognizing our limits and failings, and allowing others to see this recognition, is a far more effective way of letting them see the reality which is ourselves than blustering over our faults and thereby blocking any natural empathy others might find with our inner process. Real relationship with others is rarely founded upon our strengths. When it is, most often the relationship is merely one of convenience which leaves the real person untouched. Certainly, everyone wants to be recognized and valued for their strengths, but most of us also want to feel understood and valued as a person; as the person that we are. This natural desire doesn’t flow from the easy, well mastered side of our personality, but from its deeper layers, where emotional stress and unfulfilled desire seeps from our weaker and more vulnerable assets.
Expecting that others will see the world as they do is a natural tendency for the ISTJ, just as the INFP expects others to feel the way they do about the things which are important in their lives. These unwitting expectations, which flow from our natural strengths, automatically place a burden upon the other person: that they “live up†to our way of seeing things. Recognizing that we all make this demand without thinking is a clear first step to its removal. Both the ISTJ and the INFP need to become aware of their natural strengths in a way which allows them to see that they are indeed characteristics of a particular way of adapting to the world and not necessarily the way.
The next recognition that follows is that of seeing how our particular strengths leave a shadow behind them. What we leave behind when we measure everything by logical thinking is the respect for its human value. When we see the world as a structure and an obvious reality in which cause and effect rule supreme, we leave behind our ability to sense the wonder of the infinitely possible. When we value everything in our lives for its connection to our self and its worth to others, we leave behind the ability to see and measure things for what they really are. And lastly, when we live in world full of possibilities, wonders and mysteries, we leave behind any sense of the our true biological and social subjectivity to the laws and demands of the sensory world.
In our natural easy state, we stand at the top of our own personal tower. On the two floors below us live our lesser strengths and adaptations, and in the basement, hidden away with the rest of our unknown self, hide our most inferior capabilities. For both the INFP and the ISTJ the need is simply to come downstairs to the next level for a while. Getting to know one another is a matter of dealing with what we can discover about each other, and the ISTJ will discover nothing by trying to slot the INFP into their take on reality, nor will the INFP discover anything about the ISTJ by trying to enclose them in private world of personal values.
For the ISTJ, a bit of careful thinking about the differences they find between themselves and their partner can lead to a recognition that their partner’s needs are different to theirs, and that if there is going to be a relationship, it is these needs which must be addressed. For the INFP, setting aside personal feeling is all important, for it can get in the way of seeing the possibilities inherent in their partner. Not everything they see will work for them in the moment, but there will be much that speaks to the differences between them and how these differences display as their ISTJ partner’s real needs.
Fortunately, between these two introverts there need not be any great display or vocal interaction for them to work upon these things. Differences need not interfere while each tries to discover the values in the other. Indeed, this quiet, open ground between them allows both to be able to set forth a positive move toward engagement without needing to display any of the difficulty they might find at first sight with each other. If there was a simple sentence for each of these two it would be: for the ISTJ, just look and think about the other person for a moment before you speak or act; and for the INFP, stop worrying about whether the situation is perfect, just look at the possibilities and try reaching out to the best ones.
One of the most difficult, barrier building mistakes people make when they are just starting to get to know one another is that “self reinforcement†we all do when in company. We bluster on about ourselves and what we have done and those situations in which we made the moves or won the day, without realizing that these stories of self project our strengths and our apparent mastery of our own personal world in a way that offers no human vulnerability; no open door through which another person might feel our true needs. Yet the admission, perhaps through a story or anecdote, that we are not so good at valuing others feelings, creates a wide open door for the feeling type, just as the same kind of reflective admission that we are somewhat inept when it comes to the basic realities of the world, does the same for a sensing type.
Opening these doors as soon as possible can lead both these types to the recognition that each is trying to show the other where they stand; allowing them to see the way inside. If these pathways are deliberately made, rather than the things they lead to being glossed over for fear of self, then real relationship becomes an open and positive possibility.
The Key
Many keys have been offered above, but the there is no doubt that the strongest lock to be opened in this relationship is the one created by fear: both fear for self and fear of self. Its not easy for the ISTJ to admit that the world might be a different place than the one they normally interact with, and its not easy for the INFP to admit that things don’t need to be ideal to be fundamentally good. While these are both reflections of the way type strengths define our sense of self, they are also reflections of our fear for what we know lies within us, waiting to be discovered. Together, these two types can help each other discover these things in a personal environment which nurtures the possible within themselves rather than demanding things which might always be beyond their capacity.
