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  1. #1
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    Default How to handle ENFP volatility/unpredictability

    Hi everyone,

    a few weeks ago, I met a cute ENFP girl I really like and until yesterday everything went fine.
    Since I am an INTP and I have trouble understanding other people (and in particular women), I have some questions to you ENFPs (and everyone who has some experience with ENFPs) and hope you can help me.

    My situation is the following:
    She is the sister of a female coworker/friend and I first met her at our study prom.
    At the same weekend I helped them with the move into a new appartment because I promised it to my coworker (they both now live together with a common friend).
    Thereafter she texted me to thank me for my help and eventually we met to watch a movie.
    It was great and it didn't bother me that she didn't follow my move to kiss her, as she said because she "doesn't do this on the first meeting".
    After that we had another meeting where we kissed, and a few days later we had a cinema date after which we kissed, too.

    So when she invited me to "bake apple pie", I thought she would mean some other activity, too.
    Instead, she totally rejected my moves (after cuddling pretty long and a little flirting) and it ended with a pretty weird conversation.
    When she suddenly asked me about my intentions I foolishly started pussyfooting; I still don't know why I wasn't prepared for this.
    After that, there were statements from her like: "I am volatile", "I don't want to hurt you", "Sometimes I think I don't have feelings at all",
    "I don't want to be too nice, so I don't send the wrong signals" (my personal favourite, WTF?), "I don't want to ruin it",
    "I don't want to do something and regret it later", "I want to take things slowly" and all the like, but she also mentioned that she likes me a lot, too.

    I mean, right know I'm pretty pissed, since I would do everything for her... I always picked her up, helped her with stuff and paid everything.
    The only time I requested her to do me a favor (to pick me up from the station after a weekend trip) she didn't do it, because she "had to console a friend" who got dumped.
    In general she spends time with a lot of guys. She said this is due to her being more comfortable around guys and I really don't want to make a problem of it.
    But she also mentioned that she had the reputation of exploiting guys and slowly I begin to understand why.
    Somehow I get the impression that I get nothing back. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy spending time with her, but... I don't know. It just reminds me of the "hooked" episode of HIMYM.

    Now I really don't know what to do. It has never been easy for me with women because of my INTP nature (overanalyzing) and she is the first one I am comfortable with
    for quite a long time.
    I really have a crush on her and could imagine a relationship with her (something that seemed far far away before I met her), but I also wonder whether both of us are ready for it.

    Should I have gone all-in? How do you ENFPs like to be "asked out"? Are you straightforward or do you like to make a game out of it?
    What's the matter with these contradictory signals?
    Did I screw it up with my answer instead of being more direct?
    How do you express romantic/sexual interest?

    Thanks in advance,
    EG
    Likes five sounds liked this post

  2. #2
    Awake Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EG_j View Post
    Hi everyone,

    a few weeks ago, I met a cute ENFP girl I really like...


    I mean, right know I'm pretty pissed, since I would do everything for her... I always picked her up, helped her with stuff and paid everything.
    The only time I requested her to do me a favor (to pick me up from the station after a weekend trip) she didn't do it, because she "had to console a friend" who got dumped.

    Hey EG, welcome!

    I think all relationships are unique and should be allowed to develop and evolve organically as determined by the experience of the individuals involved...and not subject to socially constructed measures for health/worth/etc. such as time. In other words, I'm not someone that ever really thinks in terms of "too soon" and "too late".

    Here though I feel somewhat differently... It concerns me that you have only known this ENFP for a few weeks... and yet already appear to be experiencing feelings of relationship resentment... like, "I give and give and give and get nothing (sex) in return" and are seeking ways to deal with her volatility. This doesn't sound good.

    ENFPs have earned their reputations for being volatile and unpredictable this is certain...but in the example you provided I think what is going on is you are not taking her hints and outright statements...that while she likes you...she would like to take things slow. Telling you about her reputation for being volatile and maybe hurting some dudes...she's basically issuing you a warning. She doesn't want you to be under any false impressions and wishes to underscore the importance of taking baby steps. I get the sense that she wants to do things right in her next relationship...and in order to do this it needs to move slowly so she can remain mindful.

    I'm thinking ^^if you can not accommodate this slower pace without feeling pissed and pressed upon...I would turn and run away as fast as you can.
    Walk first through the fire.


    *Currently participating in the "No Likes" experiment.
    Likes MDP2525, Gentleman Jack liked this post

  3. #3
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    with a stick. a long stick.
    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Beargryllz's Avatar
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    Always go all-in with every girl, every time unless you're determined to die alone. They love it, but they'll often pretend they don't so as not to appear slutty and therefore unappealing to you.

    Better to ask forgiveness than ask permission. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Other motivational quotes work here too.

    You're probably in the friendzone by now, but if you get another chance, eat her out ASAP before she slips away entirely.
    Likes S16M4, SpankyMcFly, EG_j liked this post

  5. #5
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EG_j View Post
    Hi everyone,

    a few weeks ago, I met a cute ENFP girl I really like and until yesterday everything went fine.
    Since I am an INTP and I have trouble understanding other people (and in particular women), I have some questions to you ENFPs (and everyone who has some experience with ENFPs) and hope you can help me.

    My situation is the following:
    She is the sister of a female coworker/friend and I first met her at our study prom.
    At the same weekend I helped them with the move into a new appartment because I promised it to my coworker (they both now live together with a common friend).
    Thereafter she texted me to thank me for my help and eventually we met to watch a movie.
    It was great and it didn't bother me that she didn't follow my move to kiss her, as she said because she "doesn't do this on the first meeting".
    After that we had another meeting where we kissed, and a few days later we had a cinema date after which we kissed, too.

    So when she invited me to "bake apple pie", I thought she would mean some other activity, too.
    Instead, she totally rejected my moves (after cuddling pretty long and a little flirting) and it ended with a pretty weird conversation.
    When she suddenly asked me about my intentions I foolishly started pussyfooting; I still don't know why I wasn't prepared for this.
    After that, there were statements from her like: "I am volatile", "I don't want to hurt you", "Sometimes I think I don't have feelings at all",
    "I don't want to be too nice, so I don't send the wrong signals" (my personal favourite, WTF?), "I don't want to ruin it",
    "I don't want to do something and regret it later", "I want to take things slowly" and all the like, but she also mentioned that she likes me a lot, too.

    I mean, right know I'm pretty pissed, since I would do everything for her... I always picked her up, helped her with stuff and paid everything.
    The only time I requested her to do me a favor (to pick me up from the station after a weekend trip) she didn't do it, because she "had to console a friend" who got dumped.
    In general she spends time with a lot of guys. She said this is due to her being more comfortable around guys and I really don't want to make a problem of it.
    But she also mentioned that she had the reputation of exploiting guys and slowly I begin to understand why.
    Somehow I get the impression that I get nothing back. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy spending time with her, but... I don't know. It just reminds me of the "hooked" episode of HIMYM.

    Now I really don't know what to do. It has never been easy for me with women because of my INTP nature (overanalyzing) and she is the first one I am comfortable with
    for quite a long time.
    I really have a crush on her and could imagine a relationship with her (something that seemed far far away before I met her), but I also wonder whether both of us are ready for it.

    Should I have gone all-in? How do you ENFPs like to be "asked out"? Are you straightforward or do you like to make a game out of it?
    What's the matter with these contradictory signals?
    Did I screw it up with my answer instead of being more direct?
    How do you express romantic/sexual interest?

    Thanks in advance,
    EG
    Oh man. You are in over your head.

    First question to you: What do you want?

    Relationship? Sex? Sex that leads to a relationship?

    First answer that. Or at least, figure out where your line is. Would you be hurt if she didn't want more than a physical relationship?

    You know, answer those questions. Then once you have them, you have a lot more control over YOUR boundaries and you know when she is stepping on them too hard or not.

    That being said: It doesn't sound like she is that into you as more than a friend or a fling while remaining friends (provided you don't push for more) then she will cut ties. Then come back once things are settled if she thinks you're over her.
    ~luck favors the ready~


    Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance

  6. #6
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beargryllz View Post
    Always go all-in with every girl, every time unless you're determined to die alone. They love it, but they'll often pretend they don't so as not to appear slutty and therefore unappealing to you.

    Better to ask forgiveness than ask permission. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Other motivational quotes work here too.

    You're probably in the friendzone by now, but if you get another chance, eat her out ASAP before she slips away entirely.
    This is good advice if OP just wants physical. Nothing wrong with seizing a moment.
    ~luck favors the ready~


    Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance

  7. #7

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    It sounds like she is seeking for you to take control.
    Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.

    Meet Richard P. Feynman
    Likes Betty Blue liked this post

  8. #8
    Awake Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Listening View Post
    It sounds like she is seeking for you to take control.
    What does this look like? Or what does this entail?

    I ask because I often see this provided as a solution to your common ENFP relationship issues...and yet just the *thought* of someone even considering attempting to control a moment of my time causes me to feel suffocated.

    Rarely do you find an ENFP description that doesn't include some statement like:

    Strongly dislikes controlling others or being controlled... Not to mention our issues with authority and so I always wonder what is going on?
    Walk first through the fire.


    *Currently participating in the "No Likes" experiment.
    Likes MDP2525, Chanaynay, Gentleman Jack liked this post

  9. #9
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    Sad times when one cannot buy a way into everything
    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.

  10. #10

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    Often when the emotions are uncertain then certainty from an outside source can lead to a sense of reassurance. In other words, make her melt
    Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.

    Meet Richard P. Feynman

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