• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

Which Type Fares Better In Relationships

Betty Blue

Let me count the ways
Joined
Jan 19, 2010
Messages
5,063
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7W6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
What I mean by this is probably... which type has the most meaningful, long lasting relationships. Which type does not suffer through relationships. I know we all (individually ofc as well as all types) have our strengths and weaknesses in different area's but you know... if you have to say one type which seems to have it sussed... what type would that be? Reading through other threads in the relationship section got me to wondering about this. I doubt it is ENFP's... though I do think they have an ability to bounce back after failed relationships pretty well (whilst hanging onto some of that pain a long while-but mostly letting go/accepting) but ENFP's do have that classic grass in greener syndrome for a long old time... most dangerously when they are young and super explorative.

IDK maybe ISFP's have it pretty good, they seem so chill but also so adept at being comfortable with the one person... they seem so trustworthy... am i wrong about this. People who I think of are people like Eddie Vedder, Paulo Nuitini (clearly not quite ready to settle down), Zooey Deschanel... ofc they are celeb types and media usually dictates which dishes we are served. IRL I can only really think of two people who I believe to be ISFP and they are both really chilled and seem to take relationships in their stride. They seem not to bear axes...
 

SearchingforPeace

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 9, 2015
Messages
5,711
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I suspect Ne and Se doms struggle the most with this, but I could be blowing smoke.

The ENTPs and ENFPs I know especially struggle with long term relationships, anything more than a few years, or less. Some might settle down, even very long term, but they don't have it that easy....

The ESFPs and ESTPs I know also struggle with this.

Which has does it best? I don't know.
 

Betty Blue

Let me count the ways
Joined
Jan 19, 2010
Messages
5,063
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7W6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I suspect Ne and Se doms struggle the most with this, but I could be blowing smoke.

The ENTPs and ENFPs I know especially struggle with long term relationships, anything more than a few years, or less. Some might settle down, even very long term, but they don't have it that easy....

The ESFPs and ESTPs I know also struggle with this.

Which has does it best? I don't know.


Hey thinking about it some more I wonder if ESTJ's have it all sewn up. They seem very capable at compartmentalising... this box for the husband/wife... this box for work...that box for friendships etc. Maybe there is something to that... the ability to keep things where they belong?!?
 

Chrysanthe

New member
Joined
Jun 7, 2015
Messages
742
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
INTP. You can't spend time and emotional effort managing what you never have.

Okay sorry but honestly it's true for some!
 

SearchingforPeace

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 9, 2015
Messages
5,711
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Hey thinking about it some more I wonder if ESTJ's have it all sewn up. They seem very capable at compartmentalising... this box for the husband/wife... this box for work...that box for friendships etc. Maybe there is something to that... the ability to keep things where they belong?!?

Si in Dom or Aux might really help with all that.... My ISTJ dad stayed in a bad marriage until my mom left. A ESTJ friend stayed with his wife until she left him.

I suspect ISFJs and ESFJs might be similarly inclined.

Looking at the pattern, it appears that Pe in Dom or Aux might interfere with long term success, Si helps in the opposite way.

As for Ni, it is so funky.....it is likely more neutral.... or not.... might need more input.....I am personally too messed up to give a good assessment....
 

Yama

Permabanned
Joined
Dec 1, 2014
Messages
7,684
MBTI Type
ESFJ
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Si in Dom or Aux might really help with all that.... My ISTJ dad stayed in a bad marriage until my mom left. A ESTJ friend stayed with his wife until she left him.

I suspect ISFJs and ESFJs might be similarly inclined.

Not sure about others of my type or similar, but I actually have stayed in a bad relationship (friendship, not romantic) before despite wanting to leave because I didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. The other person expected me to always be there for them emotionally (which I was), but whenever I reached out to them, they were never there for me, and this is why it didn't work. Eventually I cut it off though and am now much happier.

I'm not sure what types would have it worst/best with long-term relationship success, but I think I would do pretty good. Possibly because of Si?? I dunno, but when I decide I like someone (regardless of romantic or platonic), I pretty much sell them my soul. When I decide I care about someone, I care a lot. It's almost impossible for me to let go of people who I let myself grow emotionally attached to. I once had a very close and dear friend in junior high, and she decided to go to a different high school than me. We started growing apart despite my efforts to keep in regular contact, and I was in so much pain and felt so helpless that I have vivid recollections of just laying in the middle of the floor crying my eyes out for hours. We don't talk anymore because it's been so many years and we've grown so far apart, but I still get very nostalgic and sad when I think of her.
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I disagree with people, those who stay in bad relationships fare horribly at relationshisps.

I don't see much problems with any type in particular. Some types will put up with crap more then others, but to me that doesn't mean they fare well. It's just as bad as the grass is greener, but opposite. Kinda like acid and base.

Stable and mature fare the best, could be an ENFP or and ESTP or any other type. Those who have issues with grass is greener suck at finding the right person just as much as those who get stuck in abusive. I am with an ENFP and I don't have the grass is greener syndrome with her. Honestly ENFPS suck at finding the right person, in my eyes grass is greener is a byproduct of the ability to find the right person. I don't get ESTP being the type to disappear, most of them I know personally will get stuck in a relationship due to feeling like they are trapped in it because they don't want to hurt or cause to much pain. They are usually VERY caring individuals. Both male and female.
 

SearchingforPeace

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 9, 2015
Messages
5,711
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Not sure about others of my type or similar, but I actually have stayed in a bad relationship (friendship, not romantic) before despite wanting to leave because I didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. The other person expected me to always be there for them emotionally (which I was), but whenever I reached out to them, they were never there for me, and this is why it didn't work. Eventually I cut it off though and am now much happier.

I'm not sure what types would have it worst/best with long-term relationship success, but I think I would do pretty good. Possibly because of Si?? I dunno, but when I decide I like someone (regardless of romantic or platonic), I pretty much sell them my soul. When I decide I care about someone, I care a lot. It's almost impossible for me to let go of people who I let myself grow emotionally attached to. I once had a very close and dear friend in junior high, and she decided to go to a different high school than me. We started growing apart despite my efforts to keep in regular contact, and I was in so much pain and felt so helpless that I have vivid recollections of just laying in the middle of the floor crying my eyes out for hours. We don't talk anymore because it's been so many years and we've grown so far apart, but I still get very nostalgic and sad when I think of her.

Oh, I relate to that so much. I suspect being a ISFJ makes you to tend to be even more devoted and loyal to others than INFJ, though taking care of the feelings of others is always important to me.

I have noticed a tendency in me not to stay in regular contact with friends I no longer see on a regular basis. They just drift away....... I see it as a personal deficit. Reflecting back, I stopped keeping in touch with friends, after my parents divorce.....which took place while I was in college. It shouldn't be related, but I suddenly feel it is. Hmmmmm, new topic to ponder....
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Oh, I relate to that so much. I suspect being a ISFJ makes you to tend to be even more devoted and loyal to others than INFJ, though taking care of the feelings of others is always important to me.

I have noticed a tendency in me not to stay in regular contact with friends I no longer see on a regular basis. They just drift away....... I see it as a personal deficit. Reflecting back, I stopped keeping in touch with friends, after my parents divorce.....which took place while I was in college. It shouldn't be related, but I suddenly feel it is. Hmmmmm, new topic to ponder....

I have major issues with keeping in touch. It's almost out of sight out of mind. This place has changed that though with people on here. There are a handful that I guess because they were never in sight just mind they tend to stick better in my mind when not present. Even my parents have to touch base with me because I pretty much fall off the face of the earth. I usually only ever have a small handful of people I interact with though.
 

SearchingforPeace

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 9, 2015
Messages
5,711
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I have major issues with keeping in touch. It's almost out of sight out of mind. This place has changed that though with people on here. There are a handful that I guess because they were never in sight just mind they tend to stick better in my mind when not present. Even my parents have to touch base with me because I pretty much fall off the face of the earth. I usually only ever have a small handful of people I interact with though.

Well, sir, since I retreated into my ISTP shadow during those years, glad to see I adopted a true ISTP trait....
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Well, sir, since I retreated into my ISTP shadow during those years, glad to see I adopted a true ISTP trait....

I hurt alot of people because of it, I hate it. I am very controlling of who is in my life. Life is to short to deal with the drama from having the wrong people in it. With all the fish in the sea I will find those I can be around 24/7 with no issues, no drama, etc. I guess I don't settle for half ass friendship, relationships, etc.
 

SearchingforPeace

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 9, 2015
Messages
5,711
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I hurt alot of people because of it, I hate it. I am very controlling of who is in my life. Life is to short to deal with the drama from having the wrong people in it. With all the fish in the sea I will find those I can be around 24/7 with no issues, no drama, etc. I guess I don't settle for half ass friendship, relationships, etc.

I don't like the trait myself. It makes me wonder a lot about myself.

Goal for today: reach out to two old friends.....
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
I don't see much problems with any type in particular. Some types will put up with crap more then others, but to me that doesn't mean they fare well. It's just as bad as the grass is greener, but opposite. Kinda like acid and base.

Stable and mature fare the best, could be an ENFP or and ESTP or any other type.

I agree with this. I don't put much stock in type when it comes to these things. I put more into maturity. On the flip side, being mature and being stable should give a better heads up on when to leave a bad relationship but it doesn't for everyone.

One thing that has always puzzled me is the way that society extols long marriages/relationships. Even when they are horrible and destroy the men, women and children involved in them. It seems that the length of time trumps quality and pretty much anything else. I think that societal expectation plays a huge role for some people and unfortunately, that idea can perpetuate through generations.

Combine that with a less mature person who's never felt a lot of stability in their life, in addition to some kind of misplaced reluctance to "hurt" anyone (feelings or otherwise) and you have a recipe for big problems.
 

SearchingforPeace

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 9, 2015
Messages
5,711
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I agree with this. I don't put much stock in type when it comes to these things. I put more into maturity. On the flip side, being mature and being stable should give a better heads up on when to leave a bad relationship but it doesn't for everyone.

One thing that has always puzzled me is the way that society extols long marriages/relationships. Even when they are horrible and destroy the men, women and children involved in them. It seems that the length of time trumps quality and pretty much anything else. I think that societal expectation plays a huge role for some people and unfortunately, that idea can perpetuate through generations.

Society extols the long term relationship because it benefits society the most. It decreases chaos and unrest. There is less crime. More civility.

Children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce and engage in various juvenile mishaps.

In Malcolm Gladwell's excellent book, Outliers, he highlights among other things, I small town in Pennsylvania that has little crime, low rates of heart attacks, low divorce rate,mental health issues, etc., even though nobody eats healthy. The town is very much an outlier.

What is the secret? They have common heritage, strong community, multi-generational families, small business, life long friendship, etc. In short, the people are very connected to each other....

Ultimately, perhaps we just marry too young. Historically, in many societies, men could not marry until they were 30. That might have some huge benefits today.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
What is the secret? They have common heritage, strong community, multi-generational families, small business, life long friendship, etc. In short, the people are very connected to each other....

You can't have these community benefits without long term, possibly destructive marriages? I said nothing about good long term marriages. My parents have been married for almost 50 years but they have a good marriage. If they had a bad marriage, I would have urged them to divorce years ago and I hope others would not have given them bullshit societal expectation flack about staying together. Having a long, terribly destructive marriage isn't something to hold up as a moral gold standard but people do it all the time because they focus on the length of time. Not the quality.

I will also say this from seeing it first hand - Children raised in bad marriages don't learn healthy ways of being married to someone. Sure divorce statistics are real but I would rather see a child being raised by a single mother/father than being exposed to marriages so unhealthy that it appears normal.
 

SearchingforPeace

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 9, 2015
Messages
5,711
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
You can't have these community benefits without long term, possibly destructive marriages? I said nothing about good long term marriages. My parents have been married for almost 50 years but they have a good marriage. If they had a bad marriage, I would have urged them to divorce years ago and I hope others would not have given them bullshit societal expectation flack about staying together. Having a long, terribly destructive marriage isn't something to hold up as a moral gold standard but people do it all the time because they focus on the length of time. Not the quality.

I will also say this from seeing it first hand - Children raised in bad marriages don't learn healthy ways of being married to someone. Sure divorce statistics are real but I would rather see a child being raised by a single mother/father than being exposed to marriages so unhealthy that it appears normal.

My sister and I talk that what we got all the wrong lessons from our parents because we thought we saw a healthy relationship and didn't realize how rough it was. We took the wrong lessons, even though we thought we could see.

However, the statistics are clear about single parent homes..... the societal impacts are horrible.

But I suspect that, even though I haven't seen it broken out like this, children of bad marriages have a mixed outcome, somewhere between the good marriages and the single parent households.

I have heard stats over the years that even a bad marriage is better than no marriage or divorce for children.

I stuck around in a bad marriage in a reaction to my parent's divorce. I would no longer call it a bad marriage, just a troubled one. I suspect many bad marriages could become average ones or better if the parties actually work on it a lot.

My MIL was in a bad marriage for 45 years. She treasures the last 5 years as really, really good. But no one needs to wait like that and suffer for years.

I suspect my parent's marriage could have been saved and become good if both had really worked on it. But they didn't work on it. My mother has been chasing love and getting hurt repeatedly, in the 25 years since she left my dad. My dad was a very different person with his second wife, more loving and giving and romantic, what he never was with my mom.
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
My sister and I talk that what we got all the wrong lessons from our parents because we thought we saw a healthy relationship and didn't realize how rough it was. We took the wrong lessons, even though we thought we could see.

However, the statistics are clear about single parent homes..... the societal impacts are horrible.

But I suspect that, even though I haven't seen it broken out like this, children of bad marriages have a mixed outcome, somewhere between the good marriages and the single parent households.

I have heard stats over the years that even a bad marriage is better than no marriage or divorce for children.

I stuck around in a bad marriage in a reaction to my parent's divorce. I would no longer call it a bad marriage, just a troubled one. I suspect many bad marriages could become average ones or better if the parties actually work on it a lot.

My MIL was in a bad marriage for 45 years. She treasures the last 5 years as really, really good. But no one needs to wait like that and suffer for years.

I suspect my parent's marriage could have been saved and become good if both had really worked on it. But they didn't work on it. My mother has been chasing love and getting hurt repeatedly, in the 25 years since she left my dad. My dad was a very different person with his second wife, more loving and giving and romantic, what he never was with my mom.

Statistics though are based on the societal push to be together. If you force a marriage beyond what's healthy the kids learn from the marriage. My son picks up alot of what is in his life based on what's said, not so much from what is. He scale home saying he was happier prior to divorce because he was told that, yet myself, my parents, my exes family members all say otherwise. He gets fed standard divorce crap from other people that do not apply. Especially since I don't follow the typical dad and his mom is not the typical mom. In our case statistics don't even apply at all. I am very active in his life, he respects my GF very much because I respect her, I don't allow him to disrespect her, I allow her to demand and earn respect from him, and I take his interactions into account when choosing someone since he is a huge part of my life. While statistics is real, they are nothing more then a statement of where we are today. You have to understand the underlying issues and change the problem and then the statistics change.

An environment where 2 couples understand that divorce is fine, that hapiness and healthy are more important will be more likely to break things off before friendship ends and before things spiral so far down hill that both are broken. You do have to try and not jump ship easily, but you also have to know when not jumping ship causes more problems. Life is a balancing act, not let's sit in one extreme until the other extreme is unavoidable. They will actually be able to explain things to thier kid instead of hiding everything and raise a kid who can handle life in a stable manner instead of swinging to the extremes like the parents taught and showed.

My current household is a very loving environment where we don't yell or scream at each other. My son gets to see 2 people's interactions that get along, can work out our problems in a civil manner, and can find that balance between 2 peoples wants. He gets to observe reasonable people in a good environment. So he knows what's available. He doesn't have to stick with crap and can better choose a relationship instead of accepting how he thinks should be based on his upbringing.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Statistics though are based on the societal push to be together. If you force a marriage beyond what's healthy the kids learn from the marriage. My son picks up alot of what is in his life based on what's said, not so much from what is. He scale home saying he was happier prior to divorce because he was told that, yet myself, my parents, my exes family members all say otherwise. He gets fed standard divorce crap from other people that do not apply. Especially since I don't follow the typical dad and his mom is not the typical mom. In our case statistics don't even apply at all. I am very active in his life, he respects my GF very much because I respect her, I don't allow him to disrespect her, I allow her to demand and earn respect from him, and I take his interactions into account when choosing someone since he is a huge part of my life. While statistics is real, they are nothing more then a statement of where we are today. You have to understand the underlying issues and change the problem and then the statistics change.

An environment where 2 couples understand that divorce is fine, that hapiness and healthy are more important will be more likely to break things off before friendship ends and before things spiral so far down hill that both are broken. You do have to try and not jump ship easily, but you also have to know when not jumping ship causes more problems. Life is a balancing act, not let's sit in one extreme until the other extreme is unavoidable. They will actually be able to explain things to thier kid instead of hiding everything and raise a kid who can handle life in a stable manner instead of swinging to the extremes like the parents taught and showed.

My current household is a very loving environment where we don't yell or scream at each other. My son gets to see 2 people's interactions that get along, can work out our problems in a civil manner, and can find that balance between 2 peoples wants. He gets to observe reasonable people in a good environment. So he knows what's available. He doesn't have to stick with crap and can better choose a relationship instead of accepting how he thinks should be based on his upbringing.

Yep. I strongly agree with this. I'm not a product of divorce but our children (including our step-children, a term I hate and never use) all are and I can tell you the difference between now and 10 years ago is like night and day. We have a good marriage and all of our kids know this. They see what is healthy and they also see what wasn't. You learn from what you see, and they are proof.

Any statistic that says a unhealthy bad marriage is better than no marriage for children is full of shit. I don't care what statistics say and I know no child of divorce that would agree with that.
 
Top