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  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ and ENFP Relationships

    What do you think about relationships between ENFPs and ENFJs? I can’t think of a particular pairing that I’ve seen mentioned more. The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an ENFP, what advice do you have for the ENFJs?
    - If you are an ENFJ, what advice would you have for the ENFPs?

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  2. #2
    Senior Member aanule's Avatar
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    Ironically, I came here specifically to discuss this pairing. I'm a (female) ENFP and I've just entered into (rather, we both leapt into) a relationship with a (male) ENFJ.

    We're still very new, so my insights are limited to that... But at the start, he came on very strong... So strong that I wasn't sure if he was genuine. I'm not used to my partner having deep feelings faster than I do in a relationship, I figured there must be something wrong with him! He is very verbally affectionate and used many pet names early on, which read as insincere to me.

    Outside of that, we can talk for absolutely hours on end. He very much feels like a kindred spirit. An old friend that I'm just getting around to meeting. Our communication is fantastic. We've both been used to high conflict relationships with other types and our lack of conflict and ability to just talk things out and be understanding is a revelation.

    It often feels like we're just reading each others minds. Life goals are on track... We're both artists by trade, but he's beginning a second career in the public sector. Our desire to help people is matched, as is the desire for adventure. Our morals are very in tune, but he is definitely demanding of more transparency than I am used to.

    I can see that he is taking a bit of an indulgent attitude towards me, which I don't actually mind, but I'm not certain what will happen when that indulgence runs out. I am unsure if his desire to "fix" everything is going to cause conflict. I need someone to lend structure, but I know that my habits can become annoying. He basically has said he wants to come organize my house for me... Which, I appreciate, but I do wonder if he'll be able to accept that it'll be an ongoing thing. I am not organized at all. We've discussed it thoroughly and he assures me it won't be a problem.

    When it's working, it's working really well. I've yet to see it not work, so no insight there. I think we'd be best friends if not for the romantic attraction.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member Kensei's Avatar
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    I think ENFJ's and ENFP's would do great inna relationship. Their shared value of imagination and theory is a plus, as is their shared value of Feelings, and I think the middle two letters are the most important letters not only based on relatiomship theories, but on what kind of person I imagine myself being with. The judger would make a great housekeeper while the P can do odd jobs around the house that the ENFJ assigns. The only problems I see in that relationship is that the two are extraverts, so if they are both blabber mouths, the communication can be complete crap. From my experience, hardcore extraverts communicate best with hardcore introverts, because one will talk non stop, and the other will barely talk at all, just listening. Also if the person is an introverted extravert, that person won't do well at all with a hardcore introvert because they will be short of words abd make the situation awkward. An introverted extravert belongs with an extraverted imtrovert. The other problem I see is the Judger being controlling and imposing too much on the perceiver and not giving him space to breath. In conclusion, the best relationship in my opinion would be a relationship between two types that are all similar letters except for E/I, but different enneagrams, which make the intriguing kind of differences instead of the ones that cause fights.
    "Don't let a damned soul stomp on you for your age, but instead show them that you can be just as good as them in both morals and judgment"- 1 Timothy 4:12 in my own words that I can relate to.

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  4. #4
    Senior Member aanule's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kensei View Post
    I think ENFJ's and ENFP's would do great inna relationship. Their shared value of imagination and theory is a plus, as is their shared value of Feelings, and I think the middle two letters are the most important letters not only based on relatiomship theories, but on what kind of person I imagine myself being with. The judger would make a great housekeeper while the P can do odd jobs around the house that the ENFJ assigns. The only problems I see in that relationship is that the two are extraverts, so if they are both blabber mouths, the communication can be complete crap. From my experience, hardcore extraverts communicate best with hardcore introverts, because one will talk non stop, and the other will barely talk at all, just listening. Also if the person is an introverted extravert, that person won't do well at all with a hardcore introvert because they will be short of words abd make the situation awkward. An introverted extravert belongs with an extraverted imtrovert. The other problem I see is the Judger being controlling and imposing too much on the perceiver and not giving him space to breath. In conclusion, the best relationship in my opinion would be a relationship between two types that are all similar letters except for E/I, but different enneagrams, which make the intriguing kind of differences instead of the ones that cause fights.
    As an E, I've never been in a relationship with an I. I don't quite understand I's... And I need someone who can keep up with me socially. That said, enfp's are the most introverted extroverts, so maybe that's why?

    I also wanted to say about this combo is that I think the enfp's capacity to love and care for their partner will work well. I know I'm very giving in my relationships and I think (hope!) That will be valuable to my enfj. He can care about everyone else and put himself last, and I'll care about him and put him first.
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  5. #5
    Senior Membrane spirilis's Avatar
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    I think @BluRoses was looking for this thread a while back.
    intp | type 9w1 sp/sx/so

  6. #6
    Senior Member BluRoses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spirilis View Post
    I think @BluRoses was looking for this thread a while back.
    You are correct! ENFJ here, married to a ENFP and had 2 kids with him. Need to prepare my thoughts... To post soon!
    "ENFJ- The Diplomat Champion (will take on crusades and WILL kill every last mfr in the room!)" ~Xander

    Enneagram: You are a Type 2 with a 3 wing: "The Helper Advocate"

    Your trifix is 2w3, 6w5, 1w9.

  7. #7
    Senior Member BluRoses's Avatar
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    What do you think about relationships between ENFPs and ENFJs?

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    Lots of positives! A very warm and passionate couple.

    -How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    Quite compatible in many ways. Due to sharing 3 of the 4 functions, these 2 people can have a very deep connection and at times understand each other completely intuitively and almost effortlessly.

    -Why are they attracted to each other?
    Both the ENFJ and the ENFP are full of dreams and creativity. They both have a desire to change the world for the better and they both tend to be looking for a "soul mate" for their romantic partner. They get on like a house on fire, especially in the early stages of the relationship.

    -How to they compliment each other?
    For the most part they compliment each other well. The ENFJ makes sure the bills are paid and that they eat 3 meals a day, while the ENFP is always ready with an exciting idea or adventure to pursue. The ENFJ usually ends up in a slightly more supportive role than the ENFP in the relationship, which can be a good thing. Overall ENFJ's enjoy this role. They are both talkers and love people. When they are at their best, these two are very affectionate with each other and have a deep connection.

    -How well do they understand each other and why?
    I think the 3 out of 4 functions comes into play again here. They understand each other well for the most part. With these two, you will never hear that one doesn't understand why the other is so emotional. They both "get" emotions and they both want to have a close connection. This is a good and bad thing... The ENFJ will likely be puzzled by the ENFP's need to "dazzle"others at times, and why they are not more organized. The ENFP may not understand why the ENFJ is worried about boring stuff like the dirty dishes in the sink and why the ENFJ doesn't want people at their house all of the time, having fun. The shared N is a wonderful asset for this pair. They both like to talk (and think) in metaphors and about abstract ideas. They often "know" what the other means (almost as if by magic or telepathy) even when other people are clueless.

    -What are they like together raising children?
    They are warm and loving parents.
    The ENFJ will likely find themselves in the disciplinary role more than the ENFP.
    This is largely because the ENFJ has a much lower threshold for chaos in the environment than the ENFP. Both are great with playing with the kids and nurturing them. The ENFP is often a big kid themselves, so they can easily loose themselves in their child's imaginary world's and bring them to life through acting out stories, building pillow forts, etc. The ENFJ also loves to do these fun things with the kids, but if the basics (food, shelter, homework done) are not covered, than they often go into "parental mode" to get these things done and are only able to relax and play afterwards.


    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    The ENFJ finds order much more important in their environment, than does the ENFP (J vs P). This can give rise to misunderstandings, frustration, and hurt feelings for both individuals. The ENFJ can be put in a parent-child dynamic with the ENFP when the relationship is poorly functioning and this is draining and upsetting to both. Due to both being F's, there are times when arguments are likely to get heated. Two people fighting with their hearts on their sleeves are likely to result in some broken hearts. Both need to be sure they are respectful of each other, no matter how emotional things get. Also, stonewalling is something that can deeply hurt both of these types. The E and F together mean that they really need to talk things out when upset and if unable to do so, their emotions can bubble up out of control (especially if not mentally mature).

    -What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    Both share N. The communication challenges are mainly that they may be puzzled by the other's motivations. ENFP's may want to just "do stuff" while ENFJ's want to have at least a rough plan in place before taking action. An amusing and probably isolated issue to an extent with this couple is that if they are together for a long time communication may break down because each person thinks they know what the other thinks and feels on things. They stop asking the other for opinions and input, and assume they know because they do know each other quite well. However, people do grow and change over time and it is important for both of these individuals to keep that in mind about the other. This may be an issue with all long-time couples...not sure.

    -What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    I have already to a large degree gone over this above, but I will try to expound a bit. The classic issue of messy house vs clean house. The ENFP doesn't care and the ENFJ does. Also, late vs on time, and irresponsible vs dependable. The ENFP is forgetful and unorganized at times and means well, but does not always come through on things in a timely or organized manner. This can be annoying to the ENFJ, but for the most part, I think ENFJ's still love the ENFP for their quirkiness and dynamic nature. (This was never a huge issue for me, anyway.)

    Not sure if this next part was just me and my ENFP, or all, so take with a grain of salt:

    The ENFP is naturally full of charisma and people are drawn to them. They love to be surrounded by people. Sometimes the ENFP does not have the firmest and most healthy personal boundaries. The ENFJ may see all of this and be worried about the relationship's security. It is important that the ENFP provides the ENFJ with reassurance during these times and takes them seriously. Breaking trust for an ENFJ can mean the end of a relationship.

    -How can they take each other for granted?

    The ENFJ can come to think the fun and gregarious nature of the ENFP is unlimited. It is important to support and give openings to the ENFP to express their darker side at times. Also, ENFP's need to express their creativity in some way. If it is bottled up for too long then they can become despondent.
    The ENFP can take advantage of the ENFJ's giving nature (usually without meaning to). The ENFJ has a difficult time asking for things for themself and (depending on maturity) even realizing that they need help or are at their limit of giving. Taking time to pamper the ENFJ a bit from time to time is very important. Life's responsibilities are not fun for the ENFJ, but they will take them on if no one else does to the point of burnout.

    -What happens when things “go wrong” between these two types?*

    One or both can get overly emotional and hurt the other. Another possible result is that one becomes very depressed because their needs are not being met and this will continue either to their breaking point, or until the two are able to work on and fix the issue.

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    I have already written a book (sorry, peeps!)....The main thing is to respect each other and make sure that you continue to communicate and are receptive to communication. These two can TALK.

    -What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    See above and let me know if you want more detail.

    -What advice do you have for each of the two types?*
    ENFJ - lighten up and make your needs clear to the ENFP. Then, hold then accountable. Also, give lots of hugs and kisses to the ENFP!

    ENFP - get your crap together and spoil that ENFJ! Also, you do an awesome job of initiating things. Keep doing that.

    -If you are an ENFJ, what advice would you have for the ENFPs?
    Already said. :-)
    "ENFJ- The Diplomat Champion (will take on crusades and WILL kill every last mfr in the room!)" ~Xander

    Enneagram: You are a Type 2 with a 3 wing: "The Helper Advocate"

    Your trifix is 2w3, 6w5, 1w9.
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  8. #8
    Senior Member Forever_Jung's Avatar
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    This is how it could go wrong, and I post this as an ENFP:

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  9. #9
    Senior Member BluRoses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kensei View Post
    I think ENFJ's and ENFP's would do great inna relationship. Their shared value of imagination and theory is a plus, as is their shared value of Feelings, and I think the middle two letters are the most important letters not only based on relatiomship theories, but on what kind of person I imagine myself being with. The judger would make a great housekeeper while the P can do odd jobs around the house that the ENFJ assigns. The only problems I see in that relationship is that the two are extraverts, so if they are both blabber mouths, the communication can be complete crap. From my experience, hardcore extraverts communicate best with hardcore introverts, because one will talk non stop, and the other will barely talk at all, just listening. Also if the person is an introverted extravert, that person won't do well at all with a hardcore introvert because they will be short of words abd make the situation awkward. An introverted extravert belongs with an extraverted imtrovert. The other problem I see is the Judger being controlling and imposing too much on the perceiver and not giving him space to breath. In conclusion, the best relationship in my opinion would be a relationship between two types that are all similar letters except for E/I, but different enneagrams, which make the intriguing kind of differences instead of the ones that cause fights.
    Having been married, had 2 kids with, and divorced to an ENFP and now dating an INTP...I can't help but wonder what an introverted extrovert is? I guess that is what I am...

    Can you explain what you mean a bit more? I think it is inevitable to an extent that every couple takes on certain roles. I can see that if you had two people of the same type (ENFP & ENFP for example) there will still eventually be someone who tends to discipline the kids more, or to plan parties, etc...
    "ENFJ- The Diplomat Champion (will take on crusades and WILL kill every last mfr in the room!)" ~Xander

    Enneagram: You are a Type 2 with a 3 wing: "The Helper Advocate"

    Your trifix is 2w3, 6w5, 1w9.

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