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  1. #1
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    Default Curious about ISFJ and ISTP relationship

    Hello everyone. Im new to this forum and just recently discovered my myers briggs personality type. I tried to search for threads or articles about ISFJ and ISTP relationship. I am in a relationship where communication is almost impossible with my bf, we have constant fights and i find it so hard to understand him. I have gone as far as reading books on relationships just to help me understand him and men in general. To a point its just so exhausting that I feel its just not fair that I exhaust all these efforts just to make the relationship work. Im in love with his man and really do wish to spend my life with him. We have been dating for almost 2 years now. I took two tests online and showed im an ISFJ in both tests, this type describes me fairly accurately. I then asked my Bf to take the same test and he's an ISTP. I read that one characteristic of this type is their "lack of long term commitment".

    I still am not that familiar with the different personality types, but would like to gain some insights on this combination. Will an ISTP and ISFJ relationship work out?

    Please help.

  2. #2
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThinkerBelle View Post
    Hello everyone. Im new to this forum and just recently discovered my myers briggs personality type. I tried to search for threads or articles about ISFJ and ISTP relationship. I am in a relationship where communication is almost impossible with my bf, we have constant fights and i find it so hard to understand him. I have gone as far as reading books on relationships just to help me understand him and men in general. To a point its just so exhausting that I feel its just not fair that I exhaust all these efforts just to make the relationship work. Im in love with his man and really do wish to spend my life with him. We have been dating for almost 2 years now. I took two tests online and showed im an ISFJ in both tests, this type describes me fairly accurately. I then asked my Bf to take the same test and he's an ISTP. I read that one characteristic of this type is their "lack of long term commitment".

    I still am not that familiar with the different personality types, but would like to gain some insights on this combination. Will an ISTP and ISFJ relationship work out?

    Please help.
    Generally speaking, as an ISFJ, I think ISTP's and ISFJs could work very well. I think our functions compliment each other well.

    As for your situation though, I think it has less to go with typology and more to do with issues between the two of you individually. Reading your post, I'm seeing communications issues, concerns of commitment, and possible resentment that sounds like it's been brewing for a while. Ultimately, you need to be talking to him about your issues as you and he are the only ones who can solve this.
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson

  3. #3
    Senior Member great_bay's Avatar
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    My parents are ISFJ's and ISTP's couple and been together for twenty-four years. I even read a graphic novel about these two pairing which lasted for decades. What do you need help on? I must imagine that ISTP's doesn't listen to anything ISFJ's tell him to do.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinker683 View Post
    Generally speaking, as an ISFJ, I think ISTP's and ISFJs could work very well. I think our functions compliment each other well.

    As for your situation though, I think it has less to go with typology and more to do with issues between the two of you individually. Reading your post, I'm seeing communications issues, concerns of commitment, and possible resentment that sounds like it's been brewing for a while. Ultimately, you need to be talking to him about your issues as you and he are the only ones who can solve this.
    You're right, because of lack of communication from his side and simply refusing to sit down with me and talk and lay down our issues, I feel we have not resolved all of them completely. I find it really hard to make him listen.

    I read about his personality type and wonder if this really has something to do with our lack of communication?

  5. #5
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    He doesn't listen. Do you mind giving an idea about the dynamics of this combination as a long term couple?

  6. #6
    Senior Member great_bay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThinkerBelle View Post
    He doesn't listen. Do you mind giving an idea about the dynamics of this combination as a long term couple?
    This is common in benefit relations. ISFJ's listens to everything ISTP's tell them to do. However, ISTP doesn't do the same.

    These relations are asymmetrical. One partner, called the Benefactor, is always in a more favourable position in respect to the other partner who is known as Beneficiary.

    The Beneficiary thinks of the Benefactor as an interesting and meaningful person, usually over-evaluating them in the beginning. The Beneficiary can be impressed and delighted by their partner's behaviour, manners, thoughts and their ability to easily deal with things that the Beneficiary conceives as complicated. When partners are together, the Beneficiary involuntarily starts to ingratiate themselves with the Benefactor, trying to please them without any obvious reason. In the worst cases this starts from little things and then becomes bigger until the Beneficiary realises the foolishness of their situation.

    The Beneficiary can see the weakness of the Benefactor, wishing to help their partner to strengthen themselves. Because the strongest point of the Beneficiary is the weak and unconscious point of the Benefactor, the Beneficiary is convinced that they are able to help. However, when the Beneficiary tries to help, the Benefactor usually refuses the help without any good explanation. The Beneficiary usually listens to every word the Benefactor says but there is no feedback, the Benefactor can not hear the Beneficiary. This may be sometimes unpleasant and even irritating for the Beneficiary.

    The Benefactor accepts the Beneficiary as somebody who is lower in rank or social position and often undervalues them in the beginning. The reason for this is that the Benefactor feels that the Beneficiary needs something from them, that special something that only the Benefactor can provide. Therefore the Benefactor naturally finds themselves in an advanced position in respect to the Beneficiary, but are at the same time willing to encourage and take care of the Beneficiary.

    Relations of Benefit may appear even and conflict free. Usually it is the Benefactor who initiates the contact. Partners can even feel some kind of spiritual connection between them. However, relations last only as long as the Benefactor has something to give and the Beneficiary has need of it. If this major condition is no longer fulfilled, relations enter quite an unpleasant stage of their development. The Beneficiary may begin ignoring the Benefactor completely or they may start to accentuate too many of the Benefactors inability, provoking arguments and quarrels. Finally, when the Benefactor is in a superior position to the Beneficiary, it can work quite well, but not when it is the other way round!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinker683 View Post
    Generally speaking, as an ISFJ, I think ISTP's and ISFJs could work very well. I think our functions compliment each other well.

    As for your situation though, I think it has less to go with typology and more to do with issues between the two of you individually. Reading your post, I'm seeing communications issues, concerns of commitment, and possible resentment that sounds like it's been brewing for a while. Ultimately, you need to be talking to him about your issues as you and he are the only ones who can solve this.
    Communication alone is difficult. I don't know how to approach him anymore. He shuts down, when I ask him to please talk to me he refuses. When i lay my issues he walks away, even his mom told me this is what he usually does.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by great_bay View Post
    This is common in benefit relations. ISFJ's listens to everything ISTP's tell them to do. However, ISTP doesn't do the same.

    These relations are asymmetrical. One partner, called the Benefactor, is always in a more favourable position in respect to the other partner who is known as Beneficiary.

    The Beneficiary thinks of the Benefactor as an interesting and meaningful person, usually over-evaluating them in the beginning. The Beneficiary can be impressed and delighted by their partner's behaviour, manners, thoughts and their ability to easily deal with things that the Beneficiary conceives as complicated. When partners are together, the Beneficiary involuntarily starts to ingratiate themselves with the Benefactor, trying to please them without any obvious reason. In the worst cases this starts from little things and then becomes bigger until the Beneficiary realises the foolishness of their situation.

    The Beneficiary can see the weakness of the Benefactor, wishing to help their partner to strengthen themselves. Because the strongest point of the Beneficiary is the weak and unconscious point of the Benefactor, the Beneficiary is convinced that they are able to help. However, when the Beneficiary tries to help, the Benefactor usually refuses the help without any good explanation. The Beneficiary usually listens to every word the Benefactor says but there is no feedback, the Benefactor can not hear the Beneficiary. This may be sometimes unpleasant and even irritating for the Beneficiary.

    The Benefactor accepts the Beneficiary as somebody who is lower in rank or social position and often undervalues them in the beginning. The reason for this is that the Benefactor feels that the Beneficiary needs something from them, that special something that only the Benefactor can provide. Therefore the Benefactor naturally finds themselves in an advanced position in respect to the Beneficiary, but are at the same time willing to encourage and take care of the Beneficiary.

    Relations of Benefit may appear even and conflict free. Usually it is the Benefactor who initiates the contact. Partners can even feel some kind of spiritual connection between them. However, relations last only as long as the Benefactor has something to give and the Beneficiary has need of it. If this major condition is no longer fulfilled, relations enter quite an unpleasant stage of their development. The Beneficiary may begin ignoring the Benefactor completely or they may start to accentuate too many of the Benefactors inability, provoking arguments and quarrels. Finally, when the Benefactor is in a superior position to the Beneficiary, it can work quite well, but not when it is the other way round!
    Is there any way to change it? How can a benefactor be in a superior position?

  9. #9
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    Hi ThinkerBelle

    My husband and one of my daughters are ISTPs and yes they are sometimes difficult to get close to. Mine are deeply sensitive and super loyal people but they don't like to be pressured to express themselves or their feelings, but will do so eventually if given enough time and space. I thought it was the ESTP that found it hard to commit? I have an ISFJ daughter as well and of all my children she gets on the best with her father. I am an ISTJ and find I am very similar to my ISTP partner. Over the years we have come to get along very well although we are both confrontational, but we do enjoy our arguments. I think the feeling side of the ISFJ is a good balance for the thinking ISTP. I have an ISFJ friend who has an ISTP husband and they get on very well and have been married for decades.

    Love conquers all.

  10. #10
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThinkerBelle View Post
    You're right, because of lack of communication from his side and simply refusing to sit down with me and talk and lay down our issues, I feel we have not resolved all of them completely. I find it really hard to make him listen.

    I read about his personality type and wonder if this really has something to do with our lack of communication?
    Quote Originally Posted by ThinkerBelle View Post
    Communication alone is difficult. I don't know how to approach him anymore. He shuts down, when I ask him to please talk to me he refuses. When i lay my issues he walks away, even his mom told me this is what he usually does.
    I can't speak for ISTPs and whatever their opinion on the above may be, but for me, communication is a must-have and if my partner isn't willing to sit down and communicate with me, then we don't have a relationship.

    Period.

    The fact that he's unwilling to communicate, to talk, to put in SOME kind of effort, is entirely his fault and his issue, not yours, and it isn't your responsibility to take ANY kind of ownership of that.

    My advice is to wish him well and move on. I'm sure he's a great guy in a great many respects, but if he's not willing to work on this then neither should you and you're just pissing in the wind at this point.
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson

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