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  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Default ISTJ and INTJ Relationships

    What do you think about relationships between INTJs and ISTJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an ISTJ, what advice do you have for the INTJs?
    - If you are an INTJ, what advice do you have for the ISTJs?

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  2. #2
    The Typing Tabby grey_beard's Avatar
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    Sorry, never dated any ISTJs so I have zero insight, at best.
    "Love never needs time. But friendship always needs time. More and more and more time, up to long past midnight." -- The Crime of Captain Gahagan

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  3. #3
    Suave y Fuerte BadOctopus's Avatar
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    I've never dated an ISTJ either, but my eldest brother and my roommate are both ISTJs, and they are two of my favorite people. I think an INTJ-ISTJ relationship could potentially be great.

    In my experience, one of the reasons why we get along well is because both types are introverts, so we understand the need for solitude, and are unlikely to be offended if one asks for some alone time. And both are independent, so neediness/clinginess usually isn't a problem. We also both enjoy quiet activities, like reading together or talking one-on-one. We're not exciting, but we always have a good time together. (At least, the introvert's idea of a good time.)

    The Ni-Si dynamic can sometimes be a source of frustration, but most of the time, the two can actually learn a lot from each other. The ISTJ can learn to be more open to new ideas and less tied to convention, and the INTJ can learn to be more grounded and practical, and less of a space-case. (Which I can be at times.)

    Both being Thinking types, emotional outbursts are definitely rare. We both speak in a frank, straight-forward manner, and we don't really need to choose our words carefully to avoid stepping on the other's feelings. Even when we have disagreements, we know that we're both going to try our best to be logical and objective. And we both take criticism pretty well.

    And sharing J, we're both fairly responsible and reliable. In fact, I can say with confidence that the ISTJs in my life are the most dependable people I know. I, for one, appreciate their drive and dedication.

    The difficulties I have with ISTJs, I guess, lie with the fact that they can be too practical. They don't really have much interest in things that are not of immediate use to them. I love learning about all kinds of things, like poetry and literature and the camouflage defenses of sea creatures -- things that are ultimately totally useless, unless I was a contestant on Jeopardy. I can't really talk to them about Shakespeare or Tennyson, because they don't see any practical value in that stuff.

    I suppose other difficulties could arise from both types being auxiliary Te, and not being emotionally expressive. Less developed IxTJs may have a hard time expressing their affection, and that could definitely cause problems.

    And both being introverts, I could see how they could just isolate themselves, and never hang out or do anything fun with anyone else. But my roommate and I do this frequently, and we have a great time anyway.
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  4. #4
    climb on Showbread's Avatar
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    My ex (ISTJ) dated an INTJ before me. Obviously things didn't work out so well. I think it worked for awhile because they had a LOT in common. Very similar giftings, nerdy interests, etc. However, they also have a very similar communication style, but not in the best way. Both are highly intelligent individuals and really know they're stuff, so when they did argue it got a bit ugly. Neither are particularly tactful.

    Ultimately they ended up breaking up because he wanted someone warmer, more affectionate. I think he also craved a lot of communication, despite being an introvert. She was much more solitary and independent. Basically it all kind of imploded because she wasn't picking up his signals, so he resorted to passive aggression and eventually lost interest. She ended up really hurt.

    They're really both lovely people, just really not good together.
    Friends, waffles, work

    "The problem is, when you depend on a substitute for love, you can never get enough" - Louis Cozolino

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  5. #5
    failed poetry slam career chubber's Avatar
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    My younger brother is an ISTJ, and I often find my self wanting to kick his butt, especially in arguments. Especially when he came to me asking for advice on his school work. Poor little bugger, such a reliable little guy. Even with our huge age gap, often find myself asking him now for advice.

    Our mother wanted him to become an artist.

    I admit he was quite good at it. However he didn't know what he was missing out when it came to science, once I introduced him to the possibility of being an engineer and a designer, his world opened up. Best of both worlds I thought. He decided to follow that route and it is working out for him. He seems happy when it comes to his work, but his love life is currently stuck in neutral. He is very jealous of me for some reason, but I suspect that to be normal siblings nonsense, the both of us have to get over with.

  6. #6
    Junior Member wsb3499's Avatar
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    I've been married to a ISTJ for 58 years. Conflicts can be worked out if the desire is there. The Guardian aspects of the ISTJ can really complement the INTJ Strategist in many ways. The almost compulsive need of the ISTJ to resolve a problem fraught with myriads of detailed information is astounding. As a couple we are truly a (big picture/in the weeds) problem solvers. This allowed us to have a more complete picture of all aspects of defining a problem.

    As introverts, we don't require a lot of attention from each other. That allows a lot of free time for us individually, as opposed to a partner who needs more continual interaction.

    In regards to raising children (we have four, now eight grandchildren) we worked out strategies as to not be strictly "knee jerk" responders to parenting issues. Communication, even as introverts, as been essential in dealing with all family and personal matters. Family meetings to allow input from our children with their personal issues and the concomitant relationship to family issues was a normal strategy.

    I could go on, but I shall not unless there are questions.
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  7. #7
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    I find it extremely inconsistent. I can not give me very well with ISTJs as are other rules to my head and pragmatism. excess of objectivity can sometimes be annoying

  8. #8
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    I don't think I have ever been friends with an ISTJ. We occupy different spheres, and their interests, thinking style, and conversation don't interest or stimulate me at all.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Rambling's Avatar
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    Married to ISTJ for 22 years; ideal pairing for me and I'm a female INTJ.

    The strongest positive is the Te-Fi which we both have: we analyse practical problems in similar language and we emote in similar ways when we express our feelings. This makes communication easy and I've never felt misunderstood...which matters to me; I've felt on occasion very misunderstood by F types.

    He's strong on methods and rules and the stereotypical masculine role of planning and methods, and I'm usually femininely accepting of this dominance in the S world, possibly because I'm more into the N world; but I think my big ideas and plans and chatterboxing bring ideas into his world which he wouldn't have otherwise considered, so we make a good team.

    Bringing up kids we have tended to agree on our values, we have had workable systems, we have discussed methods and boundaries, and having family discussion meetings now the kids are teenagers.

    In original romance terms, I watched him in a large mixed group of friends and saw him being consistently kind and enjoying his guy friends. He was extremely shy with the ladies and I hung around him a *lot*. But once he decided 'we' might be a possibility, it was always going to be marriage in his mind, he proposed immediately; we *never* dated...his thought-through Fi values came to the fore immediately. I like that mental strength.

    He makes me feel safe, good sense of humour and very intelligent; I bring spice into his routine I guess. We are both introverts and spend time happily on our own pursuits but then we talk about what we have been up to.

    Downsides are that we have both struggled to learn emotional intelligence, with both of us having Fi tertiary, we have always intuitively understood each other's level of feelings, but sometimes this hasn't been so well understood by the wider world feeler / Fe types around us.

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