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  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Default INTP and ENFJ Relationshps

    What do you think about relationships between INTPs and ENFJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an INTP, what advice do you have for the ENFJs?
    - If you are an ENFJ, what advice do you have for the INTPs?

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  2. #2
    I could do things Hard's Avatar
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    I don't mix with this type well. The ones I did come to know, after a certain level we hit a wall and communication breaks apart. Of the ones I have met that got to this point found my lines of reasoning illogical and unreasonable, and I saw them as missing the big picture, and missing the point entirely. Along with being petty and selfish. I actually talked about INTP's in a recent blog post:

    Quote Originally Posted by Hard
    The number one type I have the most issues with? INTP. In reflection, I have never been more than a semi-friend to this type before, and I have come across many over the years. It's not for lack of trying though, I actually have tried to make friends with people of this type before, and it's either never formed, dissolved very quickly, or resulted in bad tension. On forums I seem to be ok with them, but I'm speaking of in person interaction. I just can't communicate with them right. They don't allow me to use my normal methods of conversing (assuming I can get them talking in the first place, which is rare and frustrating, I often have to rely on others). Things will quickly get routed away from getting to know each others, and instead just talking about ideas and opinions. Which is fine, I can enjoy that depending on the topic, but I often tire of that quickly, and they'll very quickly turn it into some kind of debate. Which I will either not enjoy, or they'll keep pressing me on the logic and nuances of it. Which I largely don't appreciate, much more so if it's semantical.

    That's more of an annoyance though. The biggest problem, is when I hit an impass with them, and (from what I observe) lack of maturity with it. I started thinking about this when I had an interaction with an INTP friend in my social circle this weekend. He's a good guy, but I have no desire to be around him 1 on 1, and when I am it's very uncomfortable for me. There is just this weight in the air that won't go away and I can't stand it. In a group it's pretty good though. Either way, we're in the car about to go home, and I ask if we could stop at McDonalds for food (no wendys in Newport, sadly, and I am sick of BK). He says "No. I refuse to buy anything there, and I will not enable anyone else to do so". That seemed very strange to me, and in a way unfair. I asked him why and he said "I'm not going to explain, it's my car my rules". I politely say to him that fine I will honor that, but I said to him I am not going to just accept his stance on this because he's offered absolutely no insight or reason into why he holds this, and I further explained even if I don't agree with his reasoning just hearing it will get me to understand it and fully honor it (I strongly suspect that his opinion would strike me as silly, but honorable/respectable). And he flatly said "Nope." I got internally pissed. WTF? You say an opinion, which seems to be coming from some sort of moral/emotional stance, but you won't explain it even a little? I raised my voice a little and said "Ok if you won't explain then I am not going to respect your stance on this at all because you have given me absolutely no reason to do so". And he flatly said "I don't care". Cue internal hair-taring-out! I said to him if we could go to BK instead and he hapily said "sure!". Luckily I managed to keep things in but this really bothered the crap out of me.

    This is an isolated incident, but over the years since high school I have had similar issues with INTP's like this. Something will come up, they'll say a stance coldly and flatly and when asked they give absolutely NO other information, and pressing them makes them dig their heels in. It's like, if they don't talk, how can things get resolved or understood? I normally will take things stand alone if they make a little bit of sense, but these things end up being irrational, unfair, or bias without clarification. Even if I point that out they still won't talk, budge, or anything. It also strikes me as really hypocritical because a lot of the time these individuals tend to pride themselves on being logical, fair, and wanting to understand things. This ends up putting a very big rift in the relationship I have with the person and it renders it not quite the same ever again. If it happens more than once, them pretty much all bets are off. It seems like I can't discuss things with them over time without them either annoying the crap out of me, me rendering them frusterated because I won't engage in debate-styles as they want, there literally just nothing to talk about, or I somehow trigger then to get set off.
    There's currently one INTP in my social circle. Him and I get along fairly well. He seems to like me. However, we would have never become "friends" had it not been for mutual friends giving us a reason to talk or be around each other. Trying to have a conversation with one one on one is very challenging, feels forced, and when it does start to flow it ends up becoming a debate, argument, or something similar that I don't see the point to or do not want to participate in. I think a large part of the problem is their Ne; I don't "get" that function and it irks me. Combined with Ti-dom which I just don't know how to communicate with (and largely lack the desire to), it just doesn't work. What's kind of ironic is I can have very similar morals and moral outlooks as them, and there will still be issues on those very morals. It results in so much head-desking on my end.

    Of course, as with any type I will never write someone off for their type or think good or ill of them right off the bat. I take people case by case. In experience though, I'd have to say I have the weakest connection, and most trouble with INTP's.
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  3. #3
    Senior Membrane spirilis's Avatar
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    I have a lot to say here, after being married to one for almost 5 years (known her for 6) ... Fwiw, I think I read somewhere (possibly PerC, not here) that ENFJ's can be thought of as the most "introverted" of the extroverts, or something to that effect. I think that's about right, as I mis-typed my wife ISFJ for the longest time (after a few years something about the ISFJ description just wasn't ... "adding up" for me, so I had her take the humanmetrics test and was quite surprised by the result!)

    It's apropos that this thread just came up - INTP and ENFJ Relationship Question

    Anyway, an INTP-sized dissertation will be forthcoming.
    intp | type 9w1 sp/sx/so
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  4. #4
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
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    one of my best friends is ENFJ and her boyfriend of forever is INTP. they're getting married thsi summer. they seem to be a great couple, but since i'm so close with her, i've definitely heard about the trials and bumps they've come across. most of it has to do with his depression which is obviously not related to his type, but i do think it has a lot to do with how they deal with those feelings.

    she's like non-stop, and he needs a lot more time and quiet and space between things, especially when he feels depressed. i think it's been good for her to have him and another close introverted friend who struggles with anxiety and depression to realize that some people need more down time than her, and that not hanging out with her isn't a personal dig against her, but more of a personal need. she's become much more sensitive to that, which helps me because while i'm still an extrovert, she goes much harder than i do, and i require more breaks and down time than she does.
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  5. #5
    Senior Membrane spirilis's Avatar
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    First off, I need to caveat and stress that this is a snapshot of an INTP's perspective from a Male INTP - Female ENFJ marriage. There are gender roles that play into this, and I have suspicion that some of this advice will be way off if the genders are reversed, but there will be some aspects that are applicable to any gender-pairs.


    When it’s working - What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?

    How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    As almost-opposite types, these two have the potential to be either really terrible, or really great. Maturity has the lion's share to do with this, but individual life experience, age differences, and gender roles all play into this as they do with any other type-pairings. I am happy that I met her in my mid-late 20's, and I feel like I was ready for it. She's older than me FYI.


    Why are they attracted to each other?
    I can speak from the INTP's side - She's very nice, has a stable perspective on people and social situations, has a wide breadth of information to draw from based on her copious past experiences with other people, large family she grew up with, and general life experience. ENFJ's tend to befriend a lot of people over their lifetime and this endows them with a mass of anecdotes and information ... not all of which will be "logically clean", i.e. some of it may be hear-say or logically inconsistent, but they get a wide perspective from it all and can advise an INTP on different subjects at times when they may feel lost. Ni and perspective in general is one of their strengths.

    Also, they tend to take care of themselves and their bodies in particular, so they're beautiful. But not in a flashy manner - they dress in a "tasteful" and "appropriate" manner. Probably draw a lot of parallels with other FJ types here. Lots of good primal reasons why I wanted to snag her for life.

    From my wife's perspective, she has a thing for nerds ... Not sure why, an ENFJ would have to chime in here and explain that, but when she made a "list" of qualities she wanted in a mate, a lot of them seemed to line up with the idea of a general "nerd" with an outdoorsman bend to the whole thing. I definitely matched that.


    How to they compliment each other?
    I think I explained some of that up above - ENFJs have a wide breadth of knowledge they acquire from all their dealings with other people, particularly as they get older. That's an awesome asset for an INTP. Their warm and loving demeanor is pretty much impossible to understate. An INTP with enough experience dealing with his own feelings should have come to terms with a "loneliness" that comes about here and there if they haven't had much luck or experience in relationships, and ENFJs have a wonderful nature that can smother those feelings into submission. It's like a gravitational pull - you can feel their presence in your life even when they are thousands of miles away.

    For the ENFJ, an INTP offers them an alternate perspective on matters, but also a lot of help in some of the more technical and tedious stuff - I have noticed my wife can generally handle most things on a computer, but she just hates trudging through some of it when I can show her (or help her) do these things in like 2 minutes. She also hates driving, it generally stresses her out, whereas I can go for hours and hours without tiring...

    One thing ENFJ's can get wrung up about is personal matters - when friendships get rocky, or issues arise with caregivers or whatnot, they tend to get a bit flustered by the drama and stressed out - It helps for an INTP's personal-detached nature to help anchor the discussions so they don't get hung up on emotionally-charged threads of thought, but instead look at it somewhat matter-of-fact like. Helps them strategize what to do next with an air of confidence, like having a coach.

    On that last point, they live and breathe Fe in the same way that we INTP's live and breathe Ti, so to speak. So when feeling-related matters go bad, it cuts them pretty deep, sinks their ship. They live much better with an anchor and an island to make it through. Younger ENFJs probably seek that island in other people & friends, and drama can ensue when those other people also let them down or betray them. I think we INTP's tend to be simple folks when it comes to relationship matters and feel "safe" to them, less likely to hurt them out of overt malice or intent. But long-term friends of theirs generally stay close to their inner circle, so they usually have plenty of support.


    How well do they understand each other and why?
    I doubt these types truly understand each other as well as they think, but NT-NF communication with mature individuals can really sort that out in a useful way. She naturally "gets" people, and to a certain extent can remember and read my own needs based on past behavior and experience (Se-Ni axis continuously developing a composite image of who I "am"), but might not always predict my own needs based on that - so I have to speak up and talk to her about it rather than mope about it privately for matters that I need from her.

    She's still a mystery to me. I hear ENFJs tend to keep their inner selves very private, and while I feel like I've seen plenty of her, I always feel like there's plenty about her past she doesn't open up about at all. That does make the "journey" an exciting one in some ways. Past relationships still have slight relevance to her, even if the partners are far, far away and out of contact. It's a little weird reconciling with that but you have to understand it in the overall perspective of who she is. Her life experience is part of who she is, and a lot of that has revolved around the people she's met along the way.


    What are they like together raising children?
    She's definitely the warm "attachment-parenting" one. She holds them to a schedule for bedtime et al, and has no trouble maintaining their schedules for various stuff (speech therapy/etc). Also is not shy AT ALL about getting as much "help" for the kids' development as any of us can stomach.

    I am more stand-offish, but enjoy playing and roughhousing with the kids. She gets stressed out very quickly when the kids are misbehaving in hurtful ways, which one of ours is wont to do. Her stress level is steadily relieved when I get home and start putting them back in line.





    When it’s not working - What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?

    What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    I tend to leave a lot of things unsaid that probably should be said - it all seems so obvious to me, so why not to her? But speaking up is important; she will go and do things her own way and I will go and do things my own way if we don't talk about it, and it doesn't take much for those approaches to clash hard. Being an ExxJ, IMO, lends her a propensity to just assert her perspective and do what she wants. That can get frustrating and I'll definitely admit to having "yielded" to her plans a lot. An INTP's challenge is to get his own needs identified in such a way that he can explain them to her in finite terms. She's always accommodating when I do that.

    An INTP can sometimes (especially when pressed on time or stressed) resort to quick "Yes/No" type of responses, as in "No, we can't do this, and I can't tell you why" (read: No, there's a shitton of reasons why I don't want to do this but I have not the time nor desire to go into the 25-minute tirade which would be minimally adequate to explain my rather extensive reasoning.) I try not to do that, sometimes it happens though.

    I have noticed sometimes ExFJ's tend to adopt theories that others have told them as truths to follow - this is most often notable when it's based in pseudoscience. I suspect there's a failure of inferior-Ti to protect them from these, instead dominant-Fe thinking makes such theories "plausible" because it's someone else they know & trust who is espousing it, and an INTP can and should use their strong logical skills to evaluate and refute these theories, explaining exactly how they fall apart and offering alternative ideas to fill the void these "theories" typically occupy. Strategies for healthy living, eating and diet, etc. are typical examples of what I'm talking about. After all, how could dominant-Fe argue against another well-loved and trusted person in their life giving them solid reasons why the other guy's theory is bullshit? Satisfies both functions in the end, less cognitive dissonance = Happy Psyche.


    What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    How can they take each other for granted?
    What happens with things "go wrong" between these two types?
    (I started writing all of this under the first heading, but realized I was answering all 3 in the same narrative.)

    For me, I desire a LOT of alone time to go off and play with my hobbies or whatever. Children complicate this something fierce. She needs her alone time too, a break from the kids, and that means I'm watching them when I really just want to go write code or solder some boards or clean up my horrendous mess of a workspace downstairs or take a walk or whatever.

    But if we spend too much time apart, or if we disappoint one or the other over something big, or don't accommodate each other's needs for alone time, I blindly tend to forget to offer affection and reassurances to her, or it just comes through so infrequently... I notice she gets less "happy" ... my attempts at showing affection seem to fall on slightly-dull responses, things gradually get less "passionate" and just more "formal" or "ordinary" between us. We'll still go on dates once a month or so (when we can get a babysitter) but the conversation will be ordinary, not as much "magic" in the air, just going through the motions. I won't go into detail how this affects the sex life; you can imagine it tanks in response. This is an inferior-function grip and the two of us feed back onto each other automatically.

    To me, this is particularly frustrating because I feel I'm not a party to this behavior - like I'm being intentionally "pushed out", and it can be a feeling that is both lonely and frightening, not to mention angering. That in turn fuels my own negative moods and if I'm not prone to depression already, I'll get a taste of it then. It feels like you're being used, just hung onto for support but no dignified reciprocation in return. Life continues but it gets dull, it gets boring, and tempers start to flare from time to time.

    This is the couple's darkest hour. I would be willing to bet this is the turn of events that precede most INTP-ENFJ breakups or divorces. This degenerative process happens slowly, as the ENFJ's Ni tends to operate over a long time period, watching the patterns as they unfold over the time-domain, giving her the advancing perspective that the love is fading, or that he just doesn't care about her anymore. Likewise, fixing this isn't an instantaneous event. It takes a few high-profile breakthroughs followed by continuous effort to improve the communication - and most importantly for the ENFJ, IMO - affection that was neglected for so long.

    Talking about it is something that needs to happen. One or the other needs to acknowledge that they're not going down this path, and that things need to improve. I'm not sure how much of this is gender roles and how much is type, but it seemed like most of the effort was on my side, like I was the one who needed to "make it happen" the most. Affection for her takes many forms, and I have to keep remembering them all and to e.g. buy her flowers out of the blue once in a while, since it's shockingly easy for me to forget that kind of stuff. This will all look a little different for everyone.

    But when it's effective, moods start to improve and the "spark" comes back. Affections are reciprocated. Happy nights out recur. She's not shy when you're watching her try on new sexy clothes with a grin on your face. Confidence comes back. Sex revs up.






    Advice for couples - What recommendations do you have?

    What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    Among the many things you do during your day, your weeks, your years ... Time "alone" with your spouse is of utmost importance, particularly with children in the house. Shared time with the children isn't really time alone. It's a time when you can sneak in affections - I rub her skin or brush up against her pretty much every time I pass by her in the house - but the distraction of the kids prevents really "meaningful" communication from happening.

    So when they're in bed, you need to find time to connect (physically and/or mentally or emotionally) before you go off and do your hobbies or play around on the Internet or do your gaming or whatever. Top kudos to you if some of those activities are shared; they generally aren't in my case.

    ENFJs seem to love being spoiled, but that will probably take different forms depending on the person. However it's the *serious effort* of giving that they notice most, it can take many different forms and still seem to "count" to make them feel good. When both spouses are happy, communication just seems to figure itself out.

    I also highly recommend the 5 Love Languages book - Home | The 5 Love Languages® - Once you cut through all the Christian-inspired rhetoric in there (sorry if pointing that out offends anyone, I am not a religious person at all) you get the basic gist of what he's saying. This will help you optimize how you approach your expressions to one another. (I think knowing you read that book probably scores you a level-up in the eyes of an ENFJ)


    What advice do you have for each of the two types?

    INTP guys - Make a schedule or something for when you buy her flowers, or do some other XYZ she really loves. Randomize the timeframes a bit. Don't tell her about it. And for goodness sakes, touch her every day, when appropriate (not inappropriately in front of other people where her embarrassment will close her up like a shell of ice and get you cold-shouldered treatment for days). A neck massage, a stroke of the back, the shoulders, the face, everywhere else... Just do it, damnit! They eat that stuff up like candy. It's easy insurance against the degenerative process described above. It's easy to do, and it might not be obvious to you at the time, but to her it's probably like "Well, if he can't bother to stroke my neck or my back or do some sort of basic physical indication that he loves me when he's clearly had 1234324321321321 opportunities over the past month, what the hell?! Does he not love me!??" But it's not the only thing she needs, of course. Spoil her when you can, like she's your prize in life.

    Also- We love to analyze things, but my experience has been some people just don't like having themselves picked apart and analyzed, my wife being a striking example. Analyze other things, analyze other people, but don't tell her your own analysis of her, or at least you should come up with a VERY tactful way of conveying it if it's that important.

    Share your sexuality with her (I hate using that term generically, sounds like something you'd read in a women's magazine). What I mean is, totally CATCALL her in private (meaning NOBODY AROUND!) and tell her how freaking HOT she is. Do it in the nerdiest way possible, that'll get her laughing. It's not creepy to her when she's sexually attracted to you - it's another piece of "candy Fe" from the one she loves the most. It's better that you tell her this before someone else starts to, right?

    It's been my general impression that ENFJs love art, music and all aspects of creativity. That's often the basis for their hobbies. You might not partake in that, or you might like it; either way let her have her outlets and make sure you have your creative outlets too.

    I have heard and read before, and believe it to be true, that most relationships have a "2-3 year honeymoon" period after which things change. The "easy passion" starts to die off. That's where the degenerative process described above may begin, and it's important to know this so you're ready for it. If you make it through the next 3 years after that with a renewed passion in your relationship, you're probably in good shape for the long-haul.


    If you are an INTP, what advice do you have for the ENFJs?

    ENFJs - Be patient with us, we are as child-like as we seem sometimes. We don't naturally "get" the scope of your innate need for love and affection, it's hard for us to grasp but not totally alien either. We need it too. Many of us have just spent too much time without it and have hardened our shells. It's frustrating, yes, but the rewards are worth the wait. That's a big part of your "work" in the relationship, waiting and watching us open up to you.

    Also, you have a lot of perspective on things, but you need to respect that in anything regarding logical consistency and analysis, we possibly have the ability to run circles around you and then some. It's not a bad thing, and we love to use those skills to help you, but you have to make sure we have all the information for the topic, and you need to acknowledge where our analysis fits into the whole puzzle. Logic and technicals and all that crap is our strong suit. We can get into some awfully heated discussions when our logical analysis thought processes are revved up.




    So after all this, I want to underscore the role of maturity - and for the INTP especially, the role of feelings - have in this pairing. It's a pairing that can be particularly stressful if the two aren't ready for it, maturation-wise. And the quirks between the two may be too difficult to bear, so some folks who just can't hang with the requirements of their spouse's needs shouldn't pursue such a relationship if they feel they're just not suited for it. But when it works, it's amazing.
    intp | type 9w1 sp/sx/so

  6. #6
    Senior Member Littlelostnf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    What do you think about relationships between INTPs and ENFJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?

    The joys are spending my days (and nights) with someone who loves what's going on in my head and I love what's going on in his. He works to find out what I think..and I want him to. I may be an E but I live in my head and when he comes knocking and then searches the house...well Oh boy what a turn on!

    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    I use to have my doubts. It took a long time for the two of us to be together. We've been married for four years now but we've known each other for 10+ years.

    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    I hate to be simplistic but I think the "teacher" in the ENFJ wants to facilitate the "Wonderer" in the INTP

    - How to they compliment each other?

    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    I don't know that they always do understand each other...but they want too.

    - What are they like together raising children?
    We don't have any. Both like them but not trying to have them.

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    My INTP retreats into his thoughts and I feel shut out. His need for time with his own thoughts I understand, I have those same needs. Just I come out of my solitude a lot more quickly than he does.

    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    Not talking enough. Talking to much.

    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    Not talking enough. Talking to much

    - How can they take each other for granted?
    Assuming the other knows what is needed because they we do have an unusual compatibility

    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
    Not talking enough on the part of the ENFJ or trying to not "overwhelm" my INTP with feelings and Not talking enough on the part of the INTP

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    Not assuming you don't have to say. Better to have the other state "well obviously" then.."I wish you would have said that"

    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    Listen. Talk.

    - If you are an INTP, what advice do you have for the ENFJs?
    - If you are an ENFJ, what advice do you have for the INTPs?

    He/She does need to know you love them (out loud) just because you're there doesn't mean they know. They don't want to be habit. They want to be necessary to you. They need to know they are.
    for my life is slowed up by thought and the need to understand what I am living.
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  7. #7
    Senior Member BluRoses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spirilis View Post
    First off, I need to caveat and stress that this is a snapshot of an INTP's perspective from a Male INTP - Female ENFJ marriage. There are gender roles that play into this, and I have suspicion that some of this advice will be way off if the genders are reversed, but there will be some aspects that are applicable to any gender-pairs.....
    I found this SUPER helpful, thanks! I definitely agree about the maturity level being important as well. I was in a LONG relationship with an ENFP before my current INTP boyfriend. It took me a lot of time to realize that what I personally need in a potential mate is someone who calms me down and is a steadying influence in difficult times. INTP's are intelligent, calm, and loving. I didn't know until I was older that this combo was what I needed. Maybe not every ENFJ and INTP would work (I can also totally see that), but it works for us!
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  8. #8
    Junior Member WhyINTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spirilis View Post
    That in turn fuels my own negative moods and if I'm not prone to depression already, I'll get a taste of it then. It feels like you're being used, just hung onto for support but no dignified reciprocation in return. Life continues but it gets dull, it gets boring, and tempers start to flare from time to time.
    I feel as if someone's lived through my experience as well. Great post. My experience exactly but only lasted for a few weeks with a six month drag.

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    Junior Member Taratango's Avatar
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    I’m an INTP female in a relationship with an ENFJ male.
    I’m going to answer these questions from my own personal experience and perspective, because I don’t know much about other INTP/ENFJ relationships in general.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - Why are they attracted to each other? How to they complement each other? How compatible do you think these two types are in general?


    I think once they get over the initial misunderstandings and mishaps, the two personalities can complement each other quite nicely and both parties can appreciate that the other balances them out.

    There are many reasons as to why I'm attracted to him, and I could probably write a whole other essay on it xD But I'll try and keep it brief.
    He is really nice, and genuinely seems to care about everyone's well being which makes me love him even more. I'm usually pretty blunt and not emotional at all, so I like the fact than he can sort of fill that void and teach me how not to be such a heartless creature sometimes. His extroversion is also probably a good thing for me in the long run. He being the social butterfly that he is forces me to go out of my comfort zone and meet other people... instead of just continuing to be a hermit at home playing games and what not.

    We both never seem to run out of things to talk about, and we both enjoy discussing big ideas and endless possibilities about almost anything.
    And probably one of the most convenient thing is that I am the queen of indecisiveness and procrastination (I like keeping options open to the very last minute), and he likes to make decisions and getting things done. I kind of need someone with those qualities, or nothing gets done. He likes schedules and being organised, and I'm just happy that at least one of us is.

    I still really don’t understand what he sees in me, apart from the fact that I am pretty low maintenance and can always remain objective to criticism, so I don’t really get emotional over little things. I’m a blunt, no bullshit kind of person… so maybe he appreciates honesty?
    Maybe an ENFJ can answer that?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have? What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?


    In my experience, my ENFJ partner doesn't seem to care at all what the world thinks of him at all... I swear, that dude has no shame >.<
    BUT when it comes to me specifically, I've noticed he needs validation from me (both verbal and physical).

    I, as an INTP, am not romantic at all and I tend to show little emotion.
    At the beginning of our relationship, I had to learn to be careful about what I say bluntly or be aware that I'm not rejecting his affection, because if I didn't match his level of affection (which was a lot for me to handle at the time), he would think that something was wrong and equate that to me not liking him as much. He would start to feel unloved, neglected and get depressed because of that.

    From my perspective back then, I didn't really understand why he was so upset all of the time so easily. I often felt smothered and annoyed with all the emotion and how intrusive to my personal bubble it felt at the beginning of the relationship, I also used to feel that his "protectiveness" was a little bit controlling. I constantly felt emotionally exhausted and stressed out because I felt like he was coming on to me too strong and too fast.

    It’s very different now though, because now we both understand how each of us expresses affection and takes affection. I don’t get annoyed at the constant affection anymore, instead I find it quite endearing. And he doesn’t get upset as much anymore now as he knows I’m not trying to be cold, I’m just being myself and he knows that I love him just as much. It still really, really makes him happy (like, eyes sparkle happy...) to receive words and touches of affection from me though, so I do try to fulfil that as much as I can.

    - How can they take each other for granted?

    This is something I seriously have to work on. I sometimes feel guilty because he always puts me first (often forgetting his own needs), while I just tend to do my own thing obliviously.
    He thinks it’s funny, laughs at me about this and tells me not to change. But I think it’s important that I do in this case, my needs aren’t any more important than his.

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?

    INTPs, make sure you take some time to do something special once in awhile. It goes a really long way for ENFJs to show your appreciation of them. If you don’t, you may end up making the other person feel used and taken for granted because all they do is give, but nothing gets reciprocated.
    I’m pretty sure most people would feel shitty from getting that kind of treatment.

    ENFJs, we like our personal space and can get anxious if you come onto us too strongly and too quickly. We are generally not used to so much attention, so it may be overwhelming at the beginning. Maybe take things slower?
    And also, we might be a little bit weird and awkward with showing our affection… please bear with us xD

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