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  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Default INTP and ISFJ Relationships

    What do you think about relationships between INTPs and ISFJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an INTP, what advice do you have for the ISFJs?
    - If you are an ISFJ, what advice would you have for the INTPs?

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  2. #2
    Senior Member great_bay's Avatar
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    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    I don't think they're compatible romance partners. INTP's want a mindmate and ISFJ's want a playmate. INTP's want to discuss the abstracts and ISFJ's want somebody to help them.

    - Why are they attracted to each other?

    They're attractive to each other because they activate each other's inferior functions.

    - How to they compliment each other?

    We compliment each other because our weakest function is their strongest points.

    - How well do they understand each other and why?

    I never had a hard time understanding my ISFJ mom. I can write a book about an ISFJ main character while tap dancing. They're straightforward. I don't get why other people have a hard time understanding them. We share the same functions.
    - What are they like together raising children?

    Typical J plays the administration role while P is laid back.

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    There is no commutation errors I ever had.
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    They ignore my logical analysis and I ignore how people feel.
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    INTP may not appeciate ISFJ's introverted sensing abilities doing chores and paintwork. ISFJ's may think Ne is absurd.
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
    I had trouble doing housework around my ISFJ mom. She always gets mad at me for not getting the details done right when I don't really care if the laundry are folded well. Conflicts erupts when they do errands close to each other.

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    Communication isn't really a problem
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    Appreciate each other's strengths.
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  3. #3
    Lex Parsimoniae Xander's Avatar
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    A communication challenge I've had in the past is around the INTP habit of challenging ideas and the ISFJ conformism. I tended to find that whilst I was investigating an idea or trying to understand the framework of something I'd get into trouble for appearing to be critical of the current setup which would then draw indignation from the ISFJ that I was criticising something which formed one of their "should do" ideals. Apparently intellectual inquiry has to be done on a formal basis regarding such pillars of the mind.

    one does not simply walk up and ask questions.
    Isn't it time for a colourful metaphor?
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  4. #4
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    When you actually live with an INTP, life tends to require that you be an ISFJ in action and life-tasks, regardless of whether or not you were one to start with, so I can see it as a natural pairing. The positive is that there are similarities in thinking and assumptions, and a complement of strengths and weaknesses. The negative side is that the INTP can be so lost in their own world of thought that the ISFJ becomes caretaker with little reciprocation, but because of their loyal and helpful nature will tend to live out an unfulfilled life, internalizing their own sense of isolation. None of this will occur to the INTP who just notices that life goes along smoothly, there is always food on the table, the bed is made, laundry done, and bills paid.
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    When you actually live with an INTP, life tends to require that you be an ISFJ in action and life-tasks, regardless of whether or not you were one to start with, so I can see it as a natural pairing. The positive is that there are similarities in thinking and assumptions, and a complement of strengths and weaknesses. The negative side is that the INTP can be so lost in their own world of thought that the ISFJ becomes caretaker with little reciprocation, but because of their loyal and helpful nature will tend to live out an unfulfilled life, internalizing their own sense of isolation. None of this will occur to the INTP who just notices that life goes along smoothly, there is always food on the table, the bed is made, laundry done, and bills paid.
    your quote about ISFJs living out an unfulfilled life nails it i think....my (ex?) wife spent 20 years loyally accomadating my naive Nish ideas (which always failed AND made our marriage even one step worse). so she separated last year. i then learned mbti (too late). and mbti has just become another one of my N things to her. seems over to me. .
    Man does not live, he just survives - Steve Camp
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  6. #6

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    I have little to zero interest in focusing on day-to-day chores and tasks which will keep my family from falling apart and into ruin; when I try to fill the role of responsible husband and father, it often goes comically wrong. I admit my IFP wife bears the majority of that burden. I do help out, but it has come with years of practice. I have learned to make a conscious effort to be mindful of her contributions and to thank her duly, whether it be via words or actions.

    Yes, it is a good match assuming the ISFJ wants to fill that role, the INTP doesn't take the support for granted, and the INTP is willing to take some responsibility as well.
    Masculine presenting transgender lesbian

  7. #7
    Senior Member riva's Avatar
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    ISFJ women are god's gift to man. She's the ideal type for any type. Just don't let that 'I' grow into an 'E' which would eventually happen .

    It would be better though if the ISFJ is an SX last. She would suffer quite a bit otherwise.
    .

  8. #8
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    When you actually live with an INTP, life tends to require that you be an ISFJ in action and life-tasks, regardless of whether or not you were one to start with, so I can see it as a natural pairing. The positive is that there are similarities in thinking and assumptions, and a complement of strengths and weaknesses. The negative side is that the INTP can be so lost in their own world of thought that the ISFJ becomes caretaker with little reciprocation, but because of their loyal and helpful nature will tend to live out an unfulfilled life, internalizing their own sense of isolation. None of this will occur to the INTP who just notices that life goes along smoothly, there is always food on the table, the bed is made, laundry done, and bills paid.


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  9. #9
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xander View Post
    A communication challenge I've had in the past is around the INTP habit of challenging ideas and the ISFJ conformism. I tended to find that whilst I was investigating an idea or trying to understand the framework of something I'd get into trouble for appearing to be critical of the current setup which would then draw indignation from the ISFJ that I was criticising something which formed one of their "should do" ideals. Apparently intellectual inquiry has to be done on a formal basis regarding such pillars of the mind.
    That can be an issue.

    - INTP's analysis can be viewed as needlessly personal and critical, especially if the ISFJ is doing the work and the INTP is just commenting on the work.

    - ISFJ's devotion to ideals can seem conformist / blindly devoted and sometimes misplaced to INTP.

    So impersonal critique in absence of praise can seem mean-spirited, while inability to detach can seem over-sensitive.

    INTP does well to learn to share thoughts and signs of appreciation rather than just efficiently focusing on the "breakdown" points (i.e., the things that don't seem to make sense), as well as learning to take more initiative rather than just flexing to ISFJ (who seems to feel more personal responsibility to make things happen and will typically end up doing more of the practical work).

    Meanwhile, ISFJ does well to detach a bit and also realize that a lack of initiative/involvements doesn't necessarily mean INTP doesn't care... sometimes the INTP might be open but needs help to learn when to engage and take initiative.

    ISFJ seems very receptive to handling the more practical items if help or appreciation is offered. INTP (if not self-absorbed) seems receptive to helping if they are aware of the need or desire for help.

    Quote Originally Posted by riva View Post
    ISFJ women are god's gift to man. She's the ideal type for any type. Just don't let that 'I' grow into an 'E' which would eventually happen .

    It would be better though if the ISFJ is an SX last. She would suffer quite a bit otherwise.
    ...Riva, you're positively primeval.
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  10. #10
    Theta Male Julius_Van_Der_Beak's Avatar
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    I think my sister might be an ISFJ type. She strikes me as somebody that would probably be happier in a stay-at-home role, much to my mother's chagrin.

    I also feel like dating an ISFJ would be like dating my sister, and that would be gross.
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