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Thread: INTJ and INFP Relationships

  1. #71
    Senior Member Array Patrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I disagree with this explanation of Fi and memory, and frankly, I find the constant characterizing of Fi as "emotional" categorizing downright lazy (by many posters).
    I'm not surprised you disagree. I meant that reply as a half-joking response to what I took to be someone's tongue-in-cheek comment. I'm sure your analysis is much better.

    When dealing with my INTJ wife, however, I'm usually the emotional one. I've been dealing with Te-vs-Fi friction daily for nearly thirty years (and the Ni-Ne tension doesn't help much either). So I've gotten to where I usually kid about it and laugh it off.
    "Some would say that extended meaningful conversation is a thing of the past. But they'd say it more quickly." (Tom Morris)

  2. #72
    failed poetry slam career Array chubber's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    @chubber All of your posts amount to you whining about your girlfriend and describing the most mundane, generic problems that have ever occured between a man and woman in a romantic relationship. This has nothing to do with type dynamics. Also - I am not your girlfriend, nor have I ever been any INTJ's girlfriend, so take the vitrol somewhere else. You're following my posts now like you desperately want my attention, and altering my screen name with something not clever enough to even register as an insult is especially passive-aggressive. That stops now, understand?
    Hello ESTJ

    So you don't like my ingenuity? But I must appreciate yours...

    As a relationship takes hold, people with the INFP personality type will show themselves to be passionate, hopeless romantics, while still respecting their partners' independence. INFPs take the time to understand those they care about, while at the same time helping them to learn, grow and change. While INFPs are well-meaning, not everyone appreciates what can come across as constantly being told that they need to improve – or, put another way, that they're not good enough. INFPs would be aghast to find that their intents were interpreted this way, but it's a real risk, and if their partner is as averse to conflict as INFPs themselves, it can boil under the surface for some time before surfacing, too late to fix.

    Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late

    This aversion to conflict, while contributing greatly to stability in the relationship when done right, is probably the most urgent quality for INFPs to work on. Between their sensitivity and imagination, INFPs are prone to internalizing even objective statements and facts, reading into them themes and exaggerated consequences, sometimes responding as though these comments are metaphors designed to threaten the very foundations of their principles. Naturally this is almost certainly an overreaction, and INFPs should practice what they preach, and focus on improving their ability to respond to criticism with calm objectivity, rather than irrational accusations and weaponized guilt.

    source: INFP Relationships | 16Personalities

    So when @OrangeAppled, finally can let go of my INFP past in my life who she thinks is what I am talking about, the quicker she can pull her head out of the sand. To averting conflict is not what the INTJ needs.

  3. #73
    reborn Array PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chubber View Post
    Hello ESTJ
    Naw, in response to a poke like that, an ESTJ would just call you annoying and stupid and move on. Or "you suck, get better".

    To averting conflict is not what the INTJ needs.
    What does averting conflict look like? I thought OA telling you to take a hike was pretty direct actually, not seeing conflict aversion there. She doesn't want to talk to you anymore when you're dictating the terms of interaction without 'give and take'. If you don't think you're emanating a whole lot of emotions about your past, here, you'd be incorrect. Your inner core contains a lot of inconsistency in this area and a great deal of prejudice and irrationality. It permeates your posts discussing the subject matter, and it's a very heavy taint to try to overlook. That's partly why OA doesn't want to engage you in discussion, because your bias leaks out and is often projected onto her posts. It's annoying. And we only have words here to deal with that, and striking up a common ground with you would take a lot of time and energy on her part. You are worth it, ultimately as a fellow human being, but in this venue, it's harder to address.


    Naturally this is almost certainly an overreaction, and INFPs should practice what they preach, and focus on improving their ability to respond to criticism with calm objectivity, rather than irrational accusations and weaponized guilt.
    You know what's interesting about this? The only profile to contain the word "overreaction" (at least in the relationship section) is the INFP one. Does this mean that INFPs are the only types to overreact? Of course not, as all types have an area of sensitivity and thus the word is equally applicable to all, depending on the situation. Interesting though how INFPs are the ones who must become "calm" and "more objective". Can anyone here say "projection"? INFPs sure get a lot of garbage projected onto the type.

    And idk, I think if I got any calmer irl I'd slip into a coma.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
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  4. #74
    Active Member Array Poki's Avatar
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    I personally don't think and intj and an infp relationship would work simply on fact that INTJS are to detached in a way INFPs s enjoy to really make an INFP happy in a relationship. I realize it's a persons responsibility to be happy, but a part of that responsibility is finding the right people who they can attach to. In regard to this attachment, INTJs would have a better chance with attachment of ENFP, but that causes other issues. I believe this attachment that I NFPS crave is a huge part of them being happy in a relationship.
    Take what I say with a grain of salt, because that's all it is compared to the ocean of complexity when it comes to actions and real life.

  5. #75
    Active Member Array Poki's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chubber View Post
    Hello ESTJ

    So you don't like my ingenuity? But I must appreciate yours...




    So when @OrangeAppled, finally can let go of my INFP past in my life who she thinks is what I am talking about, the quicker she can pull her head out of the sand. To averting conflict is not what the INTJ needs.
    What an INTJ needs is someone who can pull them out of there path and redirect them when it becomes fear based. They need someone who can take control and they trust. That's when you will see the weakness of an INTJ as if they just dropped all the armor in an "oops, we'll I thought". I have seen this alot with many INTJs. They need redirection, not aversion and to the path they go down, not conflict.

    Aversion to conflict doesn't mean you back down, it just means you find a method that does not cause conflict. INTJs don't handle conflict worth crap in general, so you really do have to avoid conflict, but not avoid topic.
    Take what I say with a grain of salt, because that's all it is compared to the ocean of complexity when it comes to actions and real life.

  6. #76
    reborn Array PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Poki View Post
    I personally don't think and intj and an infp relationship would work simply on fact that INTJS are to detached in a way INFPs s enjoy to really make an INFP happy in a relationship. I realize it's a persons responsibility to be happy, but a part of that responsibility is finding the right people who they can attach to. In regard to this attachment, INTJs would have a better chance with attachment of ENFP, but that causes other issues. I believe this attachment that I NFPS crave is a huge part of them being happy in a relationship.
    I think that's a fair assessment. In my interactions with INTJs, I feel the promise of connection and the sharp intimacy of that, and it's wonderful, but then the detachedness ..... INTJs seem so very far away. In the past, I've likened it to a string on a balloon that seems just out of reach, but if I stretch on tippie-toes, I can find the string and bring the connection back to me. It's like I don't realize that I can do this though. It can feel like the connection is more important to me than them, and that's likely not the reality, but over time, being the one doing the 'stretch up' would feel one-sided. I would feel somewhat forgotten and could see myself presenting as needy for attention.

    I do feel a strong connection though, it's the promise of something that could be fulfilling but doesn't seem to materialize (at least the way I am hoping it will).
    Last edited by PeaceBaby; 07-03-2015 at 08:08 AM. Reason: clarity of the last sentence
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  7. #77
    Senior Member Array Patrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Poki View Post
    I personally don't think and intj and an infp relationship would work. . . .
    Except that in my case it has worked, for twenty-eight years of marriage, and counting.

    I'm of the opinion that love is a whole lot more important in a relationship than compatibility. Compatibility makes things smoother and easier, but not necessarily better. People with more differences have more opportunities to learn from each other and grow in consciousness.

    A perfectly compatible relationship (the "dual relation" in Socionics) is probably very pleasant, but it results in the two people taking each other for granted and holding back each other's personal growth. Each can rely on the other's strengths to compensate for any weaknesses, and that makes life easier--maybe too much easier.
    "Some would say that extended meaningful conversation is a thing of the past. But they'd say it more quickly." (Tom Morris)

  8. #78
    Active Member Array Poki's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Patrick View Post
    Except that in my case it has worked, for twenty-eight years of marriage, and counting.

    I'm of the opinion that love is a whole lot more important in a relationship than compatibility. Compatibility makes things smoother and easier, but not necessarily better. People with more differences have more opportunities to learn from each other and grow in consciousness.

    A perfectly compatible relationship (the "dual relation" in Socionics) is probably very pleasant, but it results in the two people taking each other for granted and holding back each other's personal growth. Each can rely on the other's strengths to compensate for any weaknesses, and that makes life easier--maybe too much easier.
    I want more then works...actually what compatibility does is allow the couple to not focus effort on getting along, but focus effort in growth. Instead of figuring out how not to argue and fight, you can spend time growing in other areas. It's a personal preference, but I don't want to spend my time figuring out how to get along with my partner, but spend it growing and learning how to live. I am with someone I love and get along with really good, best of both worlds. We still have relationship issues, but they are small and short lived. We help each other grow, support each other, and have fun together. To me that's the goal of relationships, to many people now days push staying out of love because they got stuck with someone they were not compatible with and have to learn how to deal with it. Why not teach, find the right person?

    Time means nothing other then your are either smart or stubborn. There are people who sit in a relationship until they die out of stubbornness. My parents have been married for over 35 years and I don't want their relationship happiness, I want more. I don't judge by what my parents do, I look at their happyness and judge on how happy vs unhappy they are.
    Take what I say with a grain of salt, because that's all it is compared to the ocean of complexity when it comes to actions and real life.
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  9. #79
    Senior Member Array Patrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Poki View Post
    What compatibility does is allow the couple to not focus effort on getting along, but focus effort in growth.
    Theoretically. But in practice, compatibility makes life so cozy that the couple typically becomes complacent. Why "focus effort in growth" when you're deliriously happy half the time and contented the rest of the time?

    Instead of figuring out how not to argue and fight, you can spend time growing in other areas.
    My INTJ wife and I don't argue and fight--not much, anyway. We love each other and give each other a lot of space. The "growing" happens as a result of learning to understand each other, seeing another point of view. For example, I've learned that she's easily overwhelmed by multiplicity, so I rein in my auxiliary Ne; otherwise I'll start rattling off a string of options until she says, "Stop!" But when that happens, we both smile and enjoy the moment; we realize we're different but have learned something about each other. And love makes everything OK--wonderful even.

    It's a personal preference, but I don't want to spend my time figuring out how to get along with my partner, but spend it growing and learning how to live. I am with someone I love and get along with really good, best of both worlds. We still have relationship issues, but they are small and short lived. We help each other grow, support each other, and have fun together.
    That sounds great! Glad to hear it has worked out well for you.

    I guess we're probably both right. Some people make too big a deal out of compatibility, but other people ignore it to their detriment. It is what it is; it has its place and can be important.
    "Some would say that extended meaningful conversation is a thing of the past. But they'd say it more quickly." (Tom Morris)
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  10. #80
    Active Member Array Poki's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Patrick View Post
    Theoretically. But in practice, compatibility makes life so cozy that the couple typically becomes complacent. Why "focus effort in growth" when you're deliriously happy half the time and contented the rest of the time?


    My INTJ wife and I don't argue and fight--not much, anyway. We love each other and give each other a lot of space. The "growing" happens as a result of learning to understand each other, seeing another point of view. For example, I've learned that she's easily overwhelmed by multiplicity, so I rein in my auxiliary Ne; otherwise I'll start rattling off a string of options until she says, "Stop!" But when that happens, we both smile and enjoy the moment; we realize we're different but have learned something about each other. And love makes everything OK--wonderful even.


    That sounds great! Glad to hear it has worked out well for you.

    I guess we're probably both right. Some people make too big a deal out of compatibility, but other people ignore it to their detriment. It is what it is; it has its place and can be important.
    I have an idealist pull when it comes to relationships. Of course, individual ideal, not some general consensus ideal.
    Take what I say with a grain of salt, because that's all it is compared to the ocean of complexity when it comes to actions and real life.

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