When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
When we discuss certain topics it could be fun to talk and it goes on and on and on... but the INFP is the one who starts it. I however was the one who initially started talking to the INFP before we got involved.
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
50% + depending on tolerating insanity
- Why are they attracted to each other?
They are pretty, they aren't afraid to challenge me.
- How do they compliment each other?
They have a thing for beauty/vanity, I feed off it. I would say discussing topics is usually the thing that brought us together, they usually have this scepticism about them that I find funny and intrigued by it. I would stay on the subject and expand on it. They would ask questions and I would counter their argument. But I think they play devil's advocate sometimes, which is good and bad, depending on the state that I am in. When I had enough, playing devil's advocate with me is the worst thing they could do.
- How well do they understand each other and why?
Sometimes they do get me, but that Fi of theirs, I don't think they understand me at all. Once they have an idea of who I am, or who they think I am in general, they can't undo or see past it. How well do I understand them? I sometimes easily forget that they are people that want good for others, although they rarely portray it in front of me. Maybe over time it just disappeared.
- What are they like together raising children?
N/A I'm afraid of what they will do with children, it almost always felt like they would use the child as a weapon/collateral against me.
When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
Oh boy where do we start.
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
They have this version of who they think I am, so they just keep going with it and don't bother to ask what I want or think of certain situations. They just stop bothering to ask, for them, that's it, they start making decisions for me and then I am completely pissed off by it. And neither of us talks about our expectations. They use their Fi like a weapon to tell me who I should be, when there is nothing wrong with the way I am. They also complain about how cold, or unaffected I am about situations or whatever is happening in their lives, but I do care I just don't think there is anything I can do about it or give them what they need. I just don't have Fe in me to give them.
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
Assuming things about me, me telling her my expectations and she outright ignores me and knows what I can and cannot give and just keeps wanting more. Sometimes feels like a blood sucking vampire, except it's all emotions.
- How can they take each other for granted?
This is a difficult one to answer, I sometimes forget that they are kind and very good hosts, especially when I get introduced to new people, they are very good at bridging that gap. They also have a way to research things, very good at social settings, everything is researched to death and then they of course provoke me with what they found to see what I was thinking (playing devil's advocate).
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
me, door slam, had enough, don't feel they are worthy of my time any more. I'm more unhappy when I'm with her than without her. She orders me around.
Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
Well, I guess this would be the same for most couples
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
Talk about your expectations and knowing what the other person can and cannot give.
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
I'll let the experts do the talking, since I couldn't master it.
- Your partner does not so much express feeling as allow it to direct what they express and how they assess things. Sometimes discovering just what your partner is feeling will require you to be somewhat more attentive and less dismissive of the natural intuitive understanding you have in this regard. You usually “know” how others feel, but you tend to dismiss such immediate understandings for a reasoned approach which tries to pass the feeling or emotional side by. You need to practice acting directly upon your intuitions in this regard instead of passing them to your naturally pragmatic thinking for processing. By being more spontaneous in this regard you can approach the inner life of others in a way which needs less time and none of the endless roundabout of conversation or argument which often ensues when you try to reason your way past another persons feeling valuations.
- Extraverted thinking provides your access to the world at large, and mediates your communications with others. While it also shields both them and yourself from the raw effects of your inner perceptions and images, it also tends to modify the way in which you accept information from others, quite often getting in the way of direct communication by demanding real world, hard edged data on or about things which have no such direct relationship to the state of the outside world. Dealing with your INFP partner will not be a problem if you realize this process is unnecessary and that you can action directly through intuitive understandings which you might normally hide from other types.
- Your partner needs to feel they are important in your life. Unlike other types, where this need can present as a demand for gratification or constant companionship, with your partner it arises as a feeling need which requires acknowledgement of their ideas and emotions. Simply by taking the time to acknowledge these things through your actions and expression will make a great difference to your relationship. Remember, you too need this acknowledgement of your importance to others; many of your actions are performed in the hope that they strike chords in others, so it is worth remembering that the kind of input that empowers you is not a one way street. The golden rule very much applies here. If you can learn to just speak the things you feel, then you will be surprised at the resulting effect it has upon your relationship.
- Sensation for both you and your partner is fairly simple stuff. It can also be the place where a lot of petty or simplistic argument can come from. The sort of stuff you would have been better off just keeping to yourself. Things here pretty much boil down to the “what I like” and “what I don’t like” department, with a fairly narrow margin of awareness for other’s tastes and differences of opinion. It is a basic area where things need to be sorted early into “yours, mine and ours”. Both of you need to agree to disagree about your dislikes and likes and not interfere or remark upon such things, whilst the shared area needs to be cleared of all disagreement on tastes, looks, personal affects etc. One thing you are both going to have to be clear about is the need for tolerance of each other’s personal ways, habits of dress and any lack of concern for the merely material, as neither of you are likely to be particular in this area.
- Your strength is more inside you than without, and you are always strongly attuned to the emotions of others, which you often take on board almost as if they were your own, quite often in the belief that you are either the rock which grounds them, or the soaring bird that can lift them into the sky. In many ways this is true, but you must realize that the differences you make in your partner’s life are not always outwardly visible and are rarely mentioned by them. That is their way. Your INTJ partner is commonly matter of fact, even hard and unemotional on the outside and in their dealings with the world, but something of a love sponge underneath, and who can only work at their best when they feel they are both cared about and understood by others. Don’t let their demeanour or apparent lack of concern put you off, as they are “always on” inside, and your input into their life will be appreciated, perhaps not through words, but through an ongoing practical regard which, if measurable, would speak volumes about who is the most important person in their life.
- Thinking in a purely logical linear way is not your strongest ability, with intuitive ideas figuring more within your dealings with abstract facts and the realities of the outside world. This kind of thinking works for you as it leads you toward those areas of value where certainties of the moment lie. Your partner can miss this entirely, and you will need to recognize that what they see in the moment may not contain those values; that the present moment for them might have no feeling value whatsoever, and that they might regard your enthusiasms with a somewhat jaundiced eye unless they can “think’ their way to understanding them. Make sure you always provide the steps along the path: let your partner know what is working within you and “where you are” in the moment. This is particularly important in another way too, as your INTJ partner seeks resolution and understanding of others at all times. Without input they find themselves overburdened with images arising from their own uncertainties and this can strongly affect their quality of life, work and mood.
- You have a tendency to align yourself with an image of how things ought to be between yourself and others, sometimes skipping over the realities for the sake of holding onto this ideal. Things don’t often work out this way in day to day life and other people’s ideal images of life will not be necessarily similar to your own. You will need to come to terms with the realization that your INTJ partner’s ideals of life do not normally place other people’s interests or feelings high on the list of importance. Not because they do not care about or value such things, but because the impact of their intuitive/thinking approach to life is extreme, and tends to turn their ideals away from others and towards and inner vision in which all things are either mysteries which need to be understood, problems which need to be solved or strange new paths which need to be followed. To this inner vision, other people often exist only as things which need to be dealt with, sorted into their proper places and allowed to simply be; expected in the main to be responsible for their own needs and to live their own lives. This need is so strong at times that your INTJ partner will be unable to function if they feel you are not able to flow with your own needs. Many INTJs simply cannot be happy in an environment where others are disturbed, unhappy or in constant need of reassurance or care. So more than anything else, be yourself, do your thing and do not expect your partner to live their life through you or your focused interests. They cannot, but they will be happiest when you are doing so.
- Criticism of the negative or emotional ad-hominem kind is a danger in all relationships with INTJs, who take such remarks as destructive killers of feeling. Fortunately you are a person whose comments will rarely be regarded in this way, but it is worth recognizing when your partner seems down or seems to have become very cold towards the world, that they could either be feeling a strong sense of rejection from another person or group, or worse, rejection within their own mind through a process of self criticism which is extremely destructive in this type. When your partner is down, it will nearly always be due to a feeling of loss through rejection or lack of worth to either themselves or others. The key to unlock this is often simple activity or the input of strongly focused creative ideas which stir them back to reliance upon their own skills. To be given a task by a friend or to be needed by them is worth more than any words of comfort to an INTJ in this situation.
- If you are an INFP, what advice do you have for the INTJs?
- If you are an INTJ, what advice would you have for the INFPs?
When you're stressed, don't order me around. Don't think for me, include me. Ask me questions who and what I am, never stop doing it, don't assume because I'm "cold" that I have no feelings. Again, ask me. If you're guilty of something then just say it. Take responsibility for your actions! I don't think you're stupid, allow me to explain in my own way, maybe there might be something you haven't heard before, unfortunately you need to listen to the other 99% that you already know. Why get so impatient? Value yourself too and vanity isn't always the answer to your problems. You can pretend all you like but you know I see right through you. So lets just be honest.