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Thread: INTJ and INFP Relationships

  1. #141
    The Typing Tabby Array grey_beard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    I think that's a fair assessment. In my interactions with INTJs, I feel the promise of connection and the sharp intimacy of that, and it's wonderful, but then the detachedness ..... INTJs seem so very far away. In the past, I've likened it to a string on a balloon that seems just out of reach, but if I stretch on tippie-toes, I can find the string and bring the connection back to me. It's like I don't realize that I can do this though. It can feel like the connection is more important to me than them, and that's likely not the reality, but over time, being the one doing the 'stretch up' would feel one-sided. I would feel somewhat forgotten and could see myself presenting as needy for attention.

    I do feel a strong connection though, it's the promise of something that could be fulfilling but doesn't seem to materialize (at least the way I am hoping it will).
    You need to actually communicate the Fi-internal-values mithril girders, and not do the ordinary INFP "waft everything away from them, except for those INFP internal-values landmines". INTJs love them some authenticity, and depth. In fact, much like the INFP, they feed off of it.

    But if you discuss values...it gets tricky. Both the INTJ and INFP are prepared to fight, to kill, to die, for their values: but the INTJ does it in the dispassionate impersonal quest for truth and accuracy, the INFP does it out of personal loyalty: and while both the INFP and INTJ will salute the other's internal consistency, the implacability of each means that if there is significant difference on values...I don't think either one would let it rest "for the sake of the relationship". The INFP might knuckle under for the sake of preserving peace, but would tend to build deep resentment over time: and I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of an outraged INFP's claws unsheathed.
    Last edited by grey_beard; 08-15-2015 at 01:21 PM. Reason: 'landmines' not 'landlines'. I'm beginning to *hate* autocorrect.
    "Love never needs time. But friendship always needs time. More and more and more time, up to long past midnight." -- The Crime of Captain Gahagan

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  2. #142

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    Quote Originally Posted by SpankyMcFly View Post
    Agreed!

    Goal > Plan People get overly attached to their well laid plans which just adds unnecessary stress when LIFE happens and your plans go to shit. The ability to adapt and change direction as/when needed is a very useful life skill.

    And it never occured to you that for some people living without a plan is far more stressful option ?

  3. #143
    The Typing Tabby Array grey_beard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    Remember when you were renovating and you talked about smashing a wall down with your INTJ Dad (I think, sorry if I remember the details incorrectly)? You didn't care how you smashed it down, you just wanted it out of the way, and you picked up the handiest tool to do the job and wham, mission accomplished. A J-type, generally however, will focus on how to get the wall down, will consider all of the details first of that. The consider what process they will use to get there.

    In the meantime, you've picked up the sledgehammer and the point is moot. Wall - gone.

    That's how I see the difference - you and I don't care about how it gets done, but if we get it done expediently or cleverly, more points for us. You enjoy the process far more than I do, I think, but that doesn't change where your energy comes from. J-types are more about "we have to do this, HOW will we do it". Both styles consider the goal and the process, but one reigns more dominant from the focus perspective So, you did indeed care that the wall was taken down, it was in your loosely laid plans. And if that demolition process had gone badly, you may have just adapted your plan to suit the circumstance and make a new goal. J-s (generally) take more care to ensure the process leads to the desired outcome.

    That's kind of how I see it, anyway - what do you think?
    Sorry for the thread necro, but egads, that was insightful.

    Bonus points, too, for phrasing the question in Te language "what do you *think*" .

    Full disclosure: Your new avatar seems mildly contradictory to your username. Wazzup wif dat?
    "Love never needs time. But friendship always needs time. More and more and more time, up to long past midnight." -- The Crime of Captain Gahagan

    Please comment on my johari / nohari pages.

  4. #144
    Alchemist of life Array Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grey_beard View Post
    Full disclosure: Your new avatar seems mildly contradictory to your username. Wazzup wif dat?
    I have been wondering that since it first appeared, but didn't want to be the one to point it out. I knew if I waited long enough, someone else would.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  5. #145

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    Quote Originally Posted by grey_beard View Post
    Full disclosure: Your new avatar seems mildly contradictory to your username. Wazzup wif dat?


    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    I have been wondering that since it first appeared, but didn't want to be the one to point it out. I knew if I waited long enough, someone else would.

    You are free to add the third INTJ into that club.



    It seems that the ESTJ shadow is starting to showing up.

  6. #146
    Happy Dancer Array uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grey_beard View Post
    Full disclosure: Your new avatar seems mildly contradictory to your username. Wazzup wif dat?
    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    I have been wondering that since it first appeared, but didn't want to be the one to point it out. I knew if I waited long enough, someone else would.
    Quote Originally Posted by Virtual ghost View Post
    You are free to add the third INTJ into that club.



    It seems that the ESTJ shadow is starting to showing up.
    <singsong>I know something you don't</singsong>

    A clue: look at my avatar.
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    A discussion is two people sharing their understanding, even when they disagree.

  7. #147
    Alchemist of life Array Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by uumlau View Post
    <singsong>I know something you don't</singsong>

    A clue: look at my avatar.
    PB has taken up shooting as a hobby?

    I have no clue what your avatar is supposed to be.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...
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  8. #148
    Senior Member Array tkae.'s Avatar
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    I had my INTJ boyfriend fill out some of these questions, and these are both of our answers to them. We've been dating for two years, we're in a long distance relationship while we finish up school. I can answer any questions you guys have about us.

    INTJ

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?

    Emotional support and unconditional love; the first person I feel like I can truly be myself around.

    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?

    Very.

    - Why are they attracted to each other?

    He's understanding, loving, finds me sexually attractive, and we have similar interests.

    - How to they compliment each other?

    He's more empathic and emotionally minded and I'm his reasoning robot.

    - How well do they understand each other and why?

    We understand each other, but I can't explain it.

    - What will they be like together raising children?

    Don't want to let them be spoiled brats? I'd rather not think about kids.

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?

    I'm easily frustrated and am needy. He can sometimes be derpy and not realize that things he's doing or not doing are bothering me.

    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?

    We can misunderstand each other and it compounds the problem. He has to step around my landmines of anger, but he's more open than I am and it's easier to talk to him.

    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?

    We both have things we're fairly immobile on, so we won't agree on them.

    - How can they take each other for granted?

    I would miss having someone so close of a friend to me, and how he supports me no matter how I feel.

    INFP

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?

    He's smart and funny and adorable. I can listen to him talk about things he loves for hours, and learn new things each and every day. I love that he trusts me enough that he opens up his vulnerable side for me, and love how much he appreciates me being the person who will help him take care of that sensitive part of himself.

    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?

    I think passing or workplace contact is probably the least healthy kind of contact for these two types. I think personal and friendly environments let these two types really get along, so long as the INTJ relaxes enough to be himself and the INFP is supportive enough to foster that and listens to what the INTJ feels.

    - Why are they attracted to each other?

    He's everything I want in a partner: he's stubborn in the face of adversity, but is still sensitive enough to be a real person despite whatever happens; he's brilliant and I can have intelligent, deep conversations with him; we're different enough that it feels like we approach a topic from all sides, but we approach in mutually compatible ways and complete each others' understanding of the issue.

    - How to they compliment each other?

    The two big ways are emotionally and intellectually.

    Intellectually, he approaches things from a more logical and rational perspective. The key to that is that he's intuitive and wants to have an actual discussion about it. He wants to understand the implications of the logic. I approach things from a philosophical perspective and want to play with connections. When I play with connections, it tests his understanding of the logical implications, which lets me test the viability of certain philosophical aspects of an issue. We flip a bit on social issues: he approaches things from a more rational than humanistic position, where I approach social issues by trying to understand things from the person's point of view. I can get him to see things from the emotional side that he couldn't see from his logical perspective.

    Emotionally, he has a sensitive and vulnerable side that I help foster, but he's a strong and independent person. He enjoys being sensitive around me and I enjoy him being sensitive and trusting with me. At the same time, unlike past relationships I've had, his neediness (his word, not mine) isn't parasitic. I do the patch-up work that results from him going head-first into life adversities and suppressing his emotions. On the flip side, his independence and grounded, realistic sensibility offsets my idealism that can get out of control and end up backfiring on me (like when I feel horribly guilty for not doing something a way I feel like I should have, and he points out that I did the rational thing rather than the ideal thing).

    - How well do they understand each other and why?

    I feel like we've talked enough that we know the areas of common ground we have. There's places in every issue that we'll have differences, but we can discuss them intelligently and respectfully by starting at the areas we agree on.

    We've opened up to each other enough that we know the fleshy, emotional parts of each other. I know his sensitivity to things that bother him, and know what in his past makes him susceptible to those.

    - What will they be like together raising children?

    Probably a good balance of love and rationality. I agree with him that there should be limits to behavior, and that we should teach our children appropriate behaviors based on logical outcomes rather than external enforcement; children should that rules aren't just rules for the sake of being rules, but are appropriate behaviors to avoid consequences that WILL occur and WILL be unwanted.

    He agrees with me that children should be supported and encouraged and that it should be a loving and encouraging environment. We're young and gay though, so other than when I just get in a sappy mood we tend to not plan for children much.

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?

    There's a lot of give and take in our relationship, and we're very complementary in a lot of areas. So when we get a bit out of sync, such as both of us being stressed and not being able to help the other through their own moment of stress, we can get a bit strained and have to spend energy sorting it out.

    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?

    Sometimes he can get very stressed when things don't work like he expects them to or thinks that they should, and getting through to him and helping bring him down from those moments can be tough.

    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?

    Sometimes he gets so focused on accomplishing something that he doesn't realize how miserable it's making him. Watching himself drive himself into a cycle that takes him to his breaking point can be a little frustrating to watch, but he's been doing extremely well about catching himself doing it and stopping it.

    - How can they take each other for granted?

    Sometimes I take for granted how dependable he is and how often he's there for me. I get very stressed and anxious when I don't get to talk to him for reasons that I don't expect, and it makes me painfully aware of how much he means to me when we're together. It's not that I don't appreciate it, just that it's not until we're apart that I realize just how much I appreciate him.
    "Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away." -Ekaku Hakuin
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  9. #149
    Member Array Lsjnzy13's Avatar
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    I have a pretty good friendship with two INTJs. One is a 'healthy' INTJ and the other 'unhealthy' and suicidal, but our friendships are pretty similar.

    When it's working: Usual everyday interactions and group activities. Being IN we make great progress working on projects as we are usually able to come up with the most absurd yet somehow still acceptable ideas.

    When it's not working: We can disagree on many habits. For example when we have a project to do together his first step would be to go over the broad idea and decide on a schedule ensuring that the project will be done at least a week before due date. However that makes everything rather inflexible and sometimes he wouldn't change the schedule even when it's obvious that changes need to be made. My approach would be to not decide on a schedule as you never what could change, rather just seize different opportunities as we go. Of course that would also have problems as things can get a bit crazy just before the deadline. So far we haven't been able to balance everything out.

  10. #150
    Senior(ita) Member Array Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    My longest friendship is with an INTJ and I am an INFP.

    We are very similar in value systems and enjoy many of the same interests and pursuits. She enjoys my creativity, artistic expressions, free spirit and ability to communicate. I value her logic, organizational skills, eye for design and beauty, overall competence, quirky sense of humor and intelligence.

    We recently had a very large conflict and moved through it well by communicating. Our conflicts usually arise from differences and are handled in opposing manners as well:

    She find me messy and emotional. I feel that I am tidy but do not care as much about everything always being in exact places. I find her rigid in controlling emotion and think we both could be more balanced which is why our friendship is helpful in that way.

    In a frank discussion I found her judgmental and harsh. She later explained that she was being honest and that when my feelings scare her the reaction she has is fear displayed as anger, which is why she came across as cold. I also realized that I was not forthcoming and keep things to myself and this led to her making conclusions as I had not provided all the facts.

    A huge complaint in our relationship is that she feels I withdraw and she would like more day-to-day contact. I don't know about all INFP's but I frequently hear this from friend's (but am more constant in a long-term romantic relationship). However, I have a friend who is an INTJ and in that friendship it is me who initiates contact and seeks more interaction so perhaps this is due to dynamics and not type...

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