I am going to try and speak to this, but please keep in mind that I am basing this more on a friendship then on a romantic relationship. What I mean by that is that my best friend of more than 15 years is a male INTJ. I am (obviously) a female ENFJ. I think over all of those years we have matured and changed a good deal (we first met in HS English Lit.) and amazingly we have maintained our friendship. I would say that I have had brief crushes on him from time to time and I suspect the same from him of me, but we have never kissed (but I've hugged him like a million times). Anyways, I am already writing a book, but I just wanted to be clear that this is based on one girl's relationship with 1 INTJ. I am going to guesstimate what a slightly more "romantic" relationship with him would be like.
When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
I think that in some ways they are very compatible: Specifically the INTJ can be brought out of his shell by the ENFJ and the ENFJ can be a big support to the INTJ with his projects and just in showing him that his cynicism about the world is not always founded. The ways in which I think they are incompatible are (as has already been discussed) that the INTJ needs a lot of alone time and while in a friendship that can work for the ENFJ, but while in a romantic relationship ENFJ's can panic if the relationship "connection" get's stretched out too much. Basically, ENFJ's need to "check in" with their SO if they don't physically see and interact with them every day, or they feel adrift emotionally from that person. I have found that the INTJ tends to find this annoying and needy if the "checking in" is more than weekly.
- Why are they attracted to each other?
I think it is a case of opposites attract and each filling a need that the other has (but the second part is kind of all romantic relationships...). The ENFJ is attracted to the intelligence and individuality of the INTJ and I would say (certainly in my case) just seeing the INTJ interacting with others is kid of like a challenge to care about them. Oddly enough, because of that, we often do. I'm not sure if I can explain that better...anyways, as for the INTJ they seem to like ENFJ's because we are warm and good with people.
- How do they compliment each other?
When this works they complement each other very well. ENFJ's soften the INTJ's rough edges and the INTJ provides a mental sparring partner for the ENFJ and can be an incredibly strong rock in hard times.
- How well do they understand each other and why?
If these 2 can get past the initial stages of knowing each other it can work. However, I think it takes a lot of maturity and possibly a lot of time (which is likely where it would often break down). The ENFJ would likely have a hard time not being offended or overly lonely in this relationship, and the INTJ might at times be totally disgusted with the ENFJ's lack of logical decision making. I also think the INTJ may feel smothered at times by the ENFJ and "the relationship."
- What are they like together raising children?
I honestly have no idea. I will say that I think I am a warm and loving mom and my INTJ friend does not have children, but he is very good with kids (this surprised me, I hate to admit). Probably the ENFJ would do more of the nurturing and the INTJ would deal more with discipline and making sure kids did their homework. I could see that they could be great parents together if they respect the other's strengths and let the other one take the lead in those areas. I can see that they both have a strong sense of love and duty towards their kids.
When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
ENFJ's like a LOT of communication. INTJ's not so much about them or the relationship (usually).
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
ENFJ's talk too much and INTJ's talk too little.
INTJ's need a lot of alone time and ENFJ's need a lot of together time. They can both be incredibly stubborn when they think they are right.
- How can they take each other for granted?
Each can over generalize the other's "faults" (see above) instead of appreciating their differences and how it can help each grow.
- What happens when things “go wrong†between these two types?
The ENFJ may feel used and unappreciated by the INTJ at times of stress, while the INTJ feels that they are "just being themselves" and they isolate themselves from the ENFJ (which makes it worse). There is an unhealthy cycle here that can occur, which is not pretty.
Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
ENFJ - give the INTJ space and try to limit your bossiness (make sure you are always being respectful). Keep in mind that the INTJ loves you (or they would not be in a relationship with you and have said that they love you), but they need to spend time on their own pursuits alone at times. ENFJ's try not to take tactless things that INTJ's say to heart, and when they do say something that hurts the ENFJ - the ENFJ needs to tell them bluntly and succinctly what is wrong and that it hurt them. I know that when an INTJ's cares about you and you are part of their inner circle, they REALLY care about you, because relationships can be really hard for them. Opening up (showing their squishy insides - which they really do have) to others can often be hard for them.
INTJ's - try to be nice and appreciate that ENFJ. I know it will be difficult at times, but do not completely close off emotionally to the ENFJ if at all possible. If you need to completely detach for a time to recharge or heal then tell them you are doing that and why. They love with great intensity and passion! Try and do little things for ENFJ's like buying them flowers once a month randomly, or give them a back masssage when they have a hard day at work. If you give then they will give to you!
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
I have already said this for the most part...basically appreciate each other for who they are. Changing someone is never going to work (and both these types are stubborn as mules when they dig their heels in).
- If you are an ENFJ, what advice do you have for the INTJs?
See above. Also, I am pretty sure INTJ's secretly love snuggles and I know that ENFJ's do! Snuggle that SO!
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